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April 30 – Day 36, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

At 10:14am, the Mormon wrote:

Wish you were here….in my bed when I awake.

10:14am – Mmmm… Me, too.
It would be so nice to roll over and cuddle with you

11:22am – One can dream hey. Will you be free in a bit?

11:43am – Yeah, just finished chore-time.
Will you be heading down here
or do you want me to come up?

1:03pm – Hows chore time going?
Come up if you don’t mind.
Your turn haha. 😉

Emails

On April 25, at 6:26pm, Mother wrote:

Shabbat Shalom, Dear X! I am sorry. I came up so forcefully. Don’t be panicked like me. Don’t lose your mind over it.

If you decided to come at the end of May, so be it. I saw you in my dreams, what else?! In the first one, you had had terrible stomach cramps. In the second, there everyone was doing yoga and you standing on the back row so sad. My heart just broke up for you, see you so miserable!

Please, don’t feel so lonely! I love so much! I want the best for you like for no one else on the Earth! You know, you are my princess you always were and always will be. Don’t feel like you are not welcome here or something. You know, you are welcome at any time of day or night.

Today, unlike yesterday, they talked all day long about opening the state. Maybe, at the end of May, maybe, at the end of June. I think, maybe, until then they would stop protests of stupids in Texas and all of those southern states, and stop running around with weapons like loose wild beasts.

I just thought you are physically will be safer there, in NZ than here in the USA now. But as we know, I can’t keep you in the closed jewelry box forever. You are an adult lady now. You have your own mind and life. It will be what will be. I taught you all that I knew about safety, you now can choose to use it or not. What can I do? I feel so helpless with you.

If your sister doesn’t like what I say she would protest, say it back what she thinks. You are never talking to me – it is one-way communication… with a betone wall. It is hard and, actually, stupid. It must be changed. 

I was looking for a convertible chair for you, so we can use it in a salon as a divan after you leave, but something good enough for your back while you are here. I still do not have a sofa or recline chair, now I have the incentive to buy one. But you must communicate with me and tell me ahead of your plans so I will buy it on time before you come.

I hope you are alright as much as it is possible to be on foreign land. But, at least, it is good, kind land.

I hope your week will be better than the last one. I hope you will be able to find your inner strength, an axis. So you can understand what is happening around you. Also, I hope you will meet the people or just one person with strength, willingness, and wisdom to understand your situation and kindly help you with it.

Your plants are all right, some of them happy, some of them too happy and grow to the ceiling. I just hope, you will do the right decisions for your life and will be happy forever after. Besides, remember, you are always welcome here no matter what. Shabbat Shalom! Love my baby. A lot, and some more, Mother

On April 30, at 10:46am, X wrote:

Hi Mama, I glad that you aren’t angry now. It took me a little while to figure out why, since i did nothing wrong or hurtful. Some might say that your letters were verbally abusive, but now i know from this letter that i should just push that away because it’s not my energy. I am sorry that you were feeling negative, but it seems like you have calmed down.

Please don’t buy any furniture for me. You know i cannot live with you. I have explained before that i soak up other people’s energy, and i can’t spend more than a few hours with you before i am shaking with anger and fear and despair. I am very sorry that you feel this way, but i cannot feel this way.

It takes me 2 or 3 days to recover my peace after i visit you. If i lived with you, it would destroy me quickly. Just like when i was a child. Of course you will be defensive and upset about this email. You could: 1) send me several emails about how ungrateful i am and how sad and terrifying your life was and that i should feel sorry for you and hate myself. 2) just accept my honesty, which comes from years of experience and soul-searching, and move on from this terrible idea of me moving in with you. 3) start seeing a therapist to help you out of your paralyzing fear, bitterness, hatred, and victim mentality. 4) consider me crazy and rude and refuse to communicate with me for several months or years or forever. Or 5) send emails to everyone behind my back to convince them that i’m terrible and you are being abused.

Well, i can’t imagine any other responses. Maybe you will surprise me again! But, now that i’ve written out the worst things that could happen, it’s actually not so bad, right? It seems like i need to stop communicating with you since it’s a negative experience for both of us. I am sorry, but you should be more calm, and my news upsets you. And i am quite happy. I do not appreciate you forcing your fear and anger into my life, when i am doing so well.

There is no need to bring me down. I’ve been down already. It’s my turn to be up. I cannot allow you to hurt me like this.

Thanks for being kind sometimes. I will figure out my problems when i get back. I don’t need help – i have a little of my ex-husband’s money left over, and that will solve any problems. It doesn’t bother me that i have no place to stay. The universe knows how to take care of me. I love you! X

On April 30, at 9:21pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! X! I knew you will draw the wrong observations:

1)- as I am going behind your back and talking about you! I knew it! I am not talking about you behind the back. But I am not you: you are hurting me so much by not communicating with me. I am not you, I can’t store all these build-ups inside of me. I just share pieces of what is frustrating to me. Whatever you see on the internet – that is all I do not talk to her behind your back. It is not that I am sitting like an enemy and washing your bones 24 hours a day so everyone would know how ungrateful you are! – it is not a nice assumption of your Mother, you maybe should know me better than this! 

2) – Yes! From where is this notion that I assume that you are ungrateful?! Did I ever say it? or it is your negative train of thoughts against me convinced you of it?

3) – the most important notion that you must stop the communication with me – it is so wrong. I assume you found the tool that hurt me the most and successfully using it for years now! I even can’t blame you for it, after I heard the lecture of one scholastic dude, who explained that women, who have the luna in their home, I think 8th house in the horoscope with Venus -are people always hate their Mothers because they assume Mother – is an enemy; she didn’t loved them enough in the childhood, she wasn’t there for them when they needed her. What I can do? I can’t change your mind – only you can do it, but you are rolling in a different direction, unfortunately for both of us. 

4) – the psychologist -you need, need a lot: to explain to you – Mother – is not your enemy # one in the world. Just the fact that you feel you must hide something from me by depriving the communication with me – it is telling a lot. Even, if it is there nothing to hide but you are manipulating it as if it is – it is wrong. 

Listen. A) -You are always welcome at my place and you know it. Do it the right way. B) – do not do it the wrong way – as if Mother is a real enemy and try to hurt you, so that why you are looking for help in all wrong places?  3) – stop humiliating yourself by associating yourself with marginally insane people like your roommate Jessica.

Stop it! Associate yourself with normal people. Find a job -as all normal people do. Start working, build up your OWN future: find a decent place to live in the respectable safe area;  build your pension plan, have your good medical insurance, start some savings, and it is possible, while you do not have any responsibilities to no one just to yourself. Then go and live anywhere you want, but not in the basements of the creeps.

You do not have any dogs now, you do not need to walk it in the wild nature every day, so you can choose your nature and go anywhere you want. It is actually the best time of your life – to come back to yourself.

AND! NOT to cut your roots! It is so amazing to me! You cut me from outside from you, and you know that I am in your DNA, inside of every molecule, every cell of your being. Anyways, you are, too, would come into my dreams and give reports, as you doing now. Good when it is dreams and not the nightmares, though! All this business of cutting the communication with me it is childish and evil, don’t do it to yourself. Be wise.

I think – the time of grieving the dogs, all three of them, a couple of them more human, though, than the other. It ended. Turn the page. Lock it. Throw the key. Start to live – YOUR OWN LIFE FOR YOURSELF, the most talented in the room, the brightest, the most adorable, with the potential to be a president, person.  Expecting and accepting kindness. The world has changed.  Whatever bitterness you are holding for me, it is not important anymore, as well, not relevant.

Just think. Life is short. It is shorter than we thought it would be. I can die at any time. Imagine yourself for the rest of your life: 20-30-50 years from now still feel guilty because you are on purpose did not talk to me. How many things would come up you would like to share with me, and you will not be able to do it physically? Just think about your soul, future, and not about hurting sensitive ego. 

Grow up, X, the time has come. 

Also! I got this thought! When I came here a lot of years ago, they show me the building, and they said that I could rent the apartment for the if I want for a month with a discount! A lot of people died in this pandemic, a lot moved to their countries: like my next-door neighbors to Japan. It feels like half of the building standing empty. I can rent it for you with such a big discount like never before! What do you say?

Instead of preparing ourselves for the magnificent battle of our egos in my little apartment, you can rest in your own apartment, relax a bit and start the new page of your life, fresh, on the right foot. It could be furnished or not, or partially, it is up to you. You can stay there until you find a job so you can rent on your own wherever you want.

On this note, I better stop this volume. Have a beautiful day! Take care of yourself. Love, Mother

On May 1, at 11:57pm, Father wrote:

Hi X,
My old friend from congregation sent me a picture of you, her and her husband (our old pastor) a couple days ago. She said there was an Israel Independence Day celebration there. Fill me in on how it went. Did you get a copy of the picture she took? I can send it to you if you like.
We are both fine here at home.
Love,
Papa