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April 30 – Day 36, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

At 10:14am, the Mormon wrote:

Wish you were here….in my bed when I awake.

10:14am – Mmmm… Me, too.
It would be so nice to roll over and cuddle with you

11:22am – One can dream hey. Will you be free in a bit?

11:43am – Yeah, just finished chore-time.
Will you be heading down here
or do you want me to come up?

1:03pm – Hows chore time going?
Come up if you don’t mind.
Your turn haha. 😉

Emails

On April 25, at 6:26pm, Mother wrote:

Shabbat Shalom, Dear X! I am sorry. I came up so forcefully. Don’t be panicked like me. Don’t lose your mind over it.

If you decided to come at the end of May, so be it. I saw you in my dreams, what else?! In the first one, you had had terrible stomach cramps. In the second, there everyone was doing yoga and you standing on the back row so sad. My heart just broke up for you, see you so miserable!

Please, don’t feel so lonely! I love so much! I want the best for you like for no one else on the Earth! You know, you are my princess you always were and always will be. Don’t feel like you are not welcome here or something. You know, you are welcome at any time of day or night.

Today, unlike yesterday, they talked all day long about opening the state. Maybe, at the end of May, maybe, at the end of June. I think, maybe, until then they would stop protests of stupids in Texas and all of those southern states, and stop running around with weapons like loose wild beasts.

I just thought you are physically will be safer there, in NZ than here in the USA now. But as we know, I can’t keep you in the closed jewelry box forever. You are an adult lady now. You have your own mind and life. It will be what will be. I taught you all that I knew about safety, you now can choose to use it or not. What can I do? I feel so helpless with you.

If your sister doesn’t like what I say she would protest, say it back what she thinks. You are never talking to me – it is one-way communication… with a betone wall. It is hard and, actually, stupid. It must be changed. 

I was looking for a convertible chair for you, so we can use it in a salon as a divan after you leave, but something good enough for your back while you are here. I still do not have a sofa or recline chair, now I have the incentive to buy one. But you must communicate with me and tell me ahead of your plans so I will buy it on time before you come.

I hope you are alright as much as it is possible to be on foreign land. But, at least, it is good, kind land.

I hope your week will be better than the last one. I hope you will be able to find your inner strength, an axis. So you can understand what is happening around you. Also, I hope you will meet the people or just one person with strength, willingness, and wisdom to understand your situation and kindly help you with it.

Your plants are all right, some of them happy, some of them too happy and grow to the ceiling. I just hope, you will do the right decisions for your life and will be happy forever after. Besides, remember, you are always welcome here no matter what. Shabbat Shalom! Love my baby. A lot, and some more, Mother

On April 30, at 10:46am, X wrote:

Hi Mama, I glad that you aren’t angry now. It took me a little while to figure out why, since i did nothing wrong or hurtful. Some might say that your letters were verbally abusive, but now i know from this letter that i should just push that away because it’s not my energy. I am sorry that you were feeling negative, but it seems like you have calmed down.

Please don’t buy any furniture for me. You know i cannot live with you. I have explained before that i soak up other people’s energy, and i can’t spend more than a few hours with you before i am shaking with anger and fear and despair. I am very sorry that you feel this way, but i cannot feel this way.

It takes me 2 or 3 days to recover my peace after i visit you. If i lived with you, it would destroy me quickly. Just like when i was a child. Of course you will be defensive and upset about this email. You could: 1) send me several emails about how ungrateful i am and how sad and terrifying your life was and that i should feel sorry for you and hate myself. 2) just accept my honesty, which comes from years of experience and soul-searching, and move on from this terrible idea of me moving in with you. 3) start seeing a therapist to help you out of your paralyzing fear, bitterness, hatred, and victim mentality. 4) consider me crazy and rude and refuse to communicate with me for several months or years or forever. Or 5) send emails to everyone behind my back to convince them that i’m terrible and you are being abused.

Well, i can’t imagine any other responses. Maybe you will surprise me again! But, now that i’ve written out the worst things that could happen, it’s actually not so bad, right? It seems like i need to stop communicating with you since it’s a negative experience for both of us. I am sorry, but you should be more calm, and my news upsets you. And i am quite happy. I do not appreciate you forcing your fear and anger into my life, when i am doing so well.

There is no need to bring me down. I’ve been down already. It’s my turn to be up. I cannot allow you to hurt me like this.

Thanks for being kind sometimes. I will figure out my problems when i get back. I don’t need help – i have a little of my ex-husband’s money left over, and that will solve any problems. It doesn’t bother me that i have no place to stay. The universe knows how to take care of me. I love you! X

On April 30, at 9:21pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! X! I knew you will draw the wrong observations:

1)- as I am going behind your back and talking about you! I knew it! I am not talking about you behind the back. But I am not you: you are hurting me so much by not communicating with me. I am not you, I can’t store all these build-ups inside of me. I just share pieces of what is frustrating to me. Whatever you see on the internet – that is all I do not talk to her behind your back. It is not that I am sitting like an enemy and washing your bones 24 hours a day so everyone would know how ungrateful you are! – it is not a nice assumption of your Mother, you maybe should know me better than this! 

2) – Yes! From where is this notion that I assume that you are ungrateful?! Did I ever say it? or it is your negative train of thoughts against me convinced you of it?

3) – the most important notion that you must stop the communication with me – it is so wrong. I assume you found the tool that hurt me the most and successfully using it for years now! I even can’t blame you for it, after I heard the lecture of one scholastic dude, who explained that women, who have the luna in their home, I think 8th house in the horoscope with Venus -are people always hate their Mothers because they assume Mother – is an enemy; she didn’t loved them enough in the childhood, she wasn’t there for them when they needed her. What I can do? I can’t change your mind – only you can do it, but you are rolling in a different direction, unfortunately for both of us. 

4) – the psychologist -you need, need a lot: to explain to you – Mother – is not your enemy # one in the world. Just the fact that you feel you must hide something from me by depriving the communication with me – it is telling a lot. Even, if it is there nothing to hide but you are manipulating it as if it is – it is wrong. 

Listen. A) -You are always welcome at my place and you know it. Do it the right way. B) – do not do it the wrong way – as if Mother is a real enemy and try to hurt you, so that why you are looking for help in all wrong places?  3) – stop humiliating yourself by associating yourself with marginally insane people like your roommate Jessica.

Stop it! Associate yourself with normal people. Find a job -as all normal people do. Start working, build up your OWN future: find a decent place to live in the respectable safe area;  build your pension plan, have your good medical insurance, start some savings, and it is possible, while you do not have any responsibilities to no one just to yourself. Then go and live anywhere you want, but not in the basements of the creeps.

You do not have any dogs now, you do not need to walk it in the wild nature every day, so you can choose your nature and go anywhere you want. It is actually the best time of your life – to come back to yourself.

AND! NOT to cut your roots! It is so amazing to me! You cut me from outside from you, and you know that I am in your DNA, inside of every molecule, every cell of your being. Anyways, you are, too, would come into my dreams and give reports, as you doing now. Good when it is dreams and not the nightmares, though! All this business of cutting the communication with me it is childish and evil, don’t do it to yourself. Be wise.

I think – the time of grieving the dogs, all three of them, a couple of them more human, though, than the other. It ended. Turn the page. Lock it. Throw the key. Start to live – YOUR OWN LIFE FOR YOURSELF, the most talented in the room, the brightest, the most adorable, with the potential to be a president, person.  Expecting and accepting kindness. The world has changed.  Whatever bitterness you are holding for me, it is not important anymore, as well, not relevant.

Just think. Life is short. It is shorter than we thought it would be. I can die at any time. Imagine yourself for the rest of your life: 20-30-50 years from now still feel guilty because you are on purpose did not talk to me. How many things would come up you would like to share with me, and you will not be able to do it physically? Just think about your soul, future, and not about hurting sensitive ego. 

Grow up, X, the time has come. 

Also! I got this thought! When I came here a lot of years ago, they show me the building, and they said that I could rent the apartment for the if I want for a month with a discount! A lot of people died in this pandemic, a lot moved to their countries: like my next-door neighbors to Japan. It feels like half of the building standing empty. I can rent it for you with such a big discount like never before! What do you say?

Instead of preparing ourselves for the magnificent battle of our egos in my little apartment, you can rest in your own apartment, relax a bit and start the new page of your life, fresh, on the right foot. It could be furnished or not, or partially, it is up to you. You can stay there until you find a job so you can rent on your own wherever you want.

On this note, I better stop this volume. Have a beautiful day! Take care of yourself. Love, Mother

On May 1, at 11:57pm, Father wrote:

Hi X,
My old friend from congregation sent me a picture of you, her and her husband (our old pastor) a couple days ago. She said there was an Israel Independence Day celebration there. Fill me in on how it went. Did you get a copy of the picture she took? I can send it to you if you like.
We are both fine here at home.
Love,
Papa

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April 29 – Day 35, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

On April 28, at 11:22am, I wrote:

Good morning!

1:11pm – Hey goodday
I may pop to town in a bit.

1:59pm – Cool! I just finished a lovely yoga practice,
so I am free anytime

2:55pm – On the way in. Just make a tea
I’ll head round the back not to Riverside as last time yes?

2:58pm – Actually, can we meet at the Riverside again?
Gotta avoid a group from the lodge walking in that other area out back.

3:00pm – Well as of today it’s level 3. people will be ‘allowed to visit one another’ apparently we are allowed some liberty!

3:41pm – Just arrived here

On April 29, at 10:14am, I wrote:

Hi! Good morning!
Ugh. I think I left my mints tin with the greens in it under the seat
– I lost it somewhere. I was a little hazy yesterday ;).

11:31am – Looks like we’re having a celebration for
Israeli Independence day here around 1 or 2
– I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see you today

11:38am – Hi sweetheart yes I found it under the seat !

12:11pm – Trust you to leave the most important item XD

12:48pm – I know! Ridiculous.
Thanks so much for finding it!
Whew. I just finished an intense lego session

12:50pm – Lego hey. can’t go wrong with building blocks!
Yes it fell down by the door. Lucky it didn’t drop out !

12:51pm – I remember seeing it slip down.
I’m trying to send a pic of my lego creation, but I think it’s too big.

1:11pm – So we’re eating at 3
…Probably not enough time to see you
– can I get it from you tomorrow?
How’s your day going so far?

1:13pm – Hey it’s all good thanks.
Pretty chill as usual up this way.
thinking of you as always by the way 😉

1:17pm – Sweet! Same 😉

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April 24 – Day 30, Journal

Every once in a while, I catch Christine hard-core staring at me. Am I a threat, an inspiration, or a conundrum to her? Why do I stub my toe or burn myself in the kitchen, and then I always look up and see those enormous blue eyes drilling into me as though her thick round eyeglasses could magnify their penetrating power?

Christine stopped trying to convert me a couple of weeks ago. This situation is more stressful on the Christians than they’d like to admit. There are only four of them: Alma’s bedridden with her concussion, Jessica is absorbed in her own fears, Peter is frustrated with his obsolete role of patriarch, and Christine is overwhelmed. She’s spending more time alone, playing hymns on the lodge guitar. She’s good. It sounds like a prayer.

The last time I spoke to her, I was trying to convince Christine to dance with us one night when the wine was flowing freely and DJ Joseph wanted to give us a good time. That might have been Itai’s birthday. I wasn’t drinking, but I was tipsy with the freedom of moving my body to the music. It felt tribal. The Israeli kids were all on the dance floor. I saw Jessica moving her shoulders to the beat, but she and Christine remained glued to their chairs, as heavy as pillars of salt.

I wanted them to experience the hedonism in their hips, so I sat next to them to dispense some wisdom or encouragement. Jessica fended off my invitation to the dance floor with a wave of depression disguised as superiority. I turned to Christine, and asked her if she danced.

“Well, yes, kind of,” she said in her tight German accent. She’d prefer it if I said that her accent was Swiss, because of the Israelis, you know. “I dance, but not like that! That is so not me!” Her laugh sounds like wooden window shutters left unlatched in a storm to bang sharply against a corrugated tin house.

“You know,” I suggested, “It’s OK to experiment. You’re in a safe place. We love you here. Try something that’s not ‘you’. That’s how you get to know yourself better. You don’t have to be yourself all the time.”

Well, that was the wrong thing to say.

“I like who I am,” Christine snapped. She immediately pretended to soften the chastity belt that slammed up around her virgin mind by smiling sweetly. The wooden shutters of her laugh clanged again. Since then, she’s been staring at me with her wary bovine eyes.

I’m used to being watched, so it’s OK. Well, it’s not, it makes me radically uncomfortable, but if I yell at someone for staring at me, they’ll just stare harder. I’ve made it OK in my mind by telling myself that people look at the things that they find attractive. Unfortunately, I don’t want people to find me attractive. I just want to be left alone; to move without judgement.

It’s massively unfair. The observed is forced into a contract with the observer. They find me attractive, they feel desire or jealousy or some stupid fiery emotion, and now I’m obligated to validate their emotions by being either more or less than who I am? Why? What do I get out of it? Well, there’s only one thing to do: take back the power. Observe the observer.

I’ve caught Avi staring at me intensely several times, too. He is definitely one of my favorites, but he always does the right thing, and he has a wonderful girlfriend. So, he’s not supposed to stare at me, which makes it that much more delightful. I love the way men look when they’re trying to pretend that you didn’t catch them staring. Such discomfort in preserving the ego!

But I’ve played that game of unrequited lust far too much in my life, and it’s boring. It’s just not fair to see the naked blackness of desire in someone’s eyes and to not be able throw a match into that powderkeg. Mindfucking someone is fun if that’s all you’re allowed to do, but (to quote the Six-Fingered Man), I’m a girl of action now. I can’t waste my time. I want my interactions to be more than just the mind or the heart. Maybe I’ll take the soul… that’s interesting enough to replace the physical. Maybe I’ll ask Avi for his advice on which of the four single guys I should go after. That’ll send his logical brain spinning into dark places.

I think I know the answer. Itai has a girlfriend at home, Moshe broke his back, and Ariel is too distracted with his own machinations. Judah is left. I bet that round ass makes a nice handful. But Judah is often in the company of Shira, who is Joseph’s girlfriend. Those three eat together, walk together, and sing together. I dearly hope that they sleep together, too, but I’d guess that the chances are low, considering Judah’s carefulness around Shira. More unrequited love? What’s that about? I need to get one alone.

Weekly Shishi dinner at the lodge

Peter, the head Christian, called them a flock. Last Friday, over our communal Shishi dinner, we agreed that we were both lone wolf types, and that to be a sheep would be intolerable. His precise South African accent clipped the roundness of his vowels tightly. His fiercely honest eyes were almost always set on God. That night, his wife, Alma, was missing from the long banquet table, pouting in bed with a broken face.

With Alma gone, Peter indulged in twice as much wine as usual that night. Somehow, I always end up sitting near the Christians at the head of the table (probably because we speak in English while the others speak in Hebrew), so I had the pleasure of sitting next to Peter. After the meal, we enjoyed an excellent conversation about walking our own paths, and his kind face began to loosen with gentle intoxication.

He’s quite an attractive man; he has a tall, hearty physique and a shining smile. I caught him in the Kiwi uniform of well-fitted little shorts and big black galoshes the other day, and I can only hope that my lascivious stare conveyed my appreciation of what I observed. What a shame that’s wasted on Iron Alma.

Sometime during our conversation, our knees touched under the table. I slid my warmth and attention into that leg without moving a muscle, concentrating on the inviting orange quality of the space between us. It only took a minute for Peter to relax his entire thigh against mine, and we remained pressed together under the table for a solid half hour.

I enjoyed every second of feeling his hard thigh pouring warmth into me, but I don’t dare jeopardize my home here. I’ll take anything I can get from Peter’s frustrated masculinity, as long as he comes to me. And he won’t, poor fellow; he’s far too good. I’d offer him a blowjob if he didn’t scare so easily.

It is extraordinarily wonderful to me that I feel love towards everyone all the time now. It is entirely inappropriate that I would happily have sex with any adult in our little lodge, just to hold their dear little hearts close and kiss them all over. Even Alma. They’re all fucking adorable.

Is this agape love? Or nymphomania? Did the Mormon open the floodgates of my heart so that it flows indiscriminately outwards forever? Some might choose a middle road… I am either living an enlightened life of love or I’m a menace to society.

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April 23 – Day 29, Correspondence

On Apr 21, 2020, 11:41 PM, Papa wrote:

Hi X, I sent a thousand last night. Let me know if you got it. Love, Papa

On April 23, 2020, 9:51 AM, X wrote:

I did get it, thank you so so much!

It’s been a little uncertain around here for the past 2 days, since the NZ government decided how the lockdown would proceed here. 

We’re moving from level 4 to level 3 on 4/27, which isn’t much of a change. We’ll be allowed to travel a bit locally, but travel between major cities is still discouraged. Most of the shops will still be closed, and we are advised to stay in our “bubble” through the level 3 lockdown. Right now, level 3 is scheduled to end on May 11.

I feel like things are still a crazy in the U.S., and i think i’ll reschedule my ticket home for late May. The earliest flight home after May 11 is May 23! There aren’t many options right now. From the number of cases in the U.S., i think it’s safer here in NZ. Thanks for the help with lodging – that will be so useful over the next month. From what i see online, L.A. will reopen around 5/15, so if i wait until late May to return, i’ll be able to stay in hotels and travel easily as i drive home.

I sure hope things will be calmer by then. I was so happy to hear about your birthday celebration!! Sounds like you found some great ways to enjoy the day despite our current restrictions. Much love, X

On April 23, 2020, 10:46 AM, Papa wrote:

Dear X, I miss you, but I advise you to stay until late May also. The reason I sent more money is that your hand will not be forced to leave prematurely. Your email confirms what I feel, that you should stay a bit more in NZ.

I’ll help you out. Don’t worry. If you are running low don’t be shy to ask. Love, Papa

On April 23, 2020, at 10:49am, X wrote:

Hi Mama! So, i’ve decided to extend my stay until your birthday! They only have one or two flights a week in May, and nothing at all from may 9 to may 23, so your birthday seemed like the luckiest day. What do you think?

I still don’t know what to do about my P.O. box, but that’s my only major problem in the US. Air New Zealand was kind enough to change my ticket without charging extra! I will continue to float around here, and hopefully, things will be better in the US in a month. Here, we are on level 4 lockdown until the 27th, and then level 3 until May 11. I think it’s very interesting that our lockdown started exactly on the new moon. Love, X

On April 23, 2020, 4:23pm, Mama wrote:

Darling X, I think it is a good idea to fly with Air New Zealand. It is definitely would be cleaner air inside of the plane for so many hours, unlike it could be with American fakers! 

Just get as many as you are able of masks and gloves which you will need in the USA on your trip driving back home. Please, be safe! The rest would fall into its place! 

I wish you good luck and a good horoscope for your traveling and the time that you have left in NZ! Enjoy each moment of it! Love, a lot, and some more, Mother

On April 24, 4:28pm, Mama wrote:

Hello, X!  I just do not know from what to start! I am so upset and worry for you I can’t sleep and I can’t function as a human because of the lack of sleep and headache!

The other thing bothers me: why you are always put me in a place of stupid with the facts and never consult first, take advice, and then act? It is disrespect grafted in you by Father. But I always hope [like an idiot would] it will air out of you!

No! You are always do something outrageous and put it in front of my face. And then look for my reaction. 

What reaction you want to see?! You are an adult person and doing stupid after stupid decisions – what can I do or say?

DON’T DO IT?! It is already done! Oh! WHY?

WHY you are always doing it to me? Why you trust Father more than me?

I did only one stupidity: marrying him. But I changed it when the time has come. HE does stupidity after stupidity in the row every goddamn day and you are still thinking it is right

On Friday, April 24, 8:03PM, Mama wrote:

OK! It was a draft I thought to put on the screen and hoped never to send it to you. But really, are you enjoying shocking me?! Anyways, I think in this catastrophe they are allowed to change the ticket at least twice. Just go ahead, call them and say that your state is still closed up and you would want to prolong the visa and the ticket. and maybe, [I know, it is not fun and it is hard!] but find a job to support yourself there. I do not understand why you are in such a hurry to come here: you do not have here any loving husband, no children depending on you, you do not have even home! And work?! It is a disaster here worse than at the great depression was. as of yesterday it is 66 million people claimed unemployment! last week was only 22 million and we thought it is a lot! 

Your car is in a relatively safe place. Your storage – you are paying every month- it is safe, too. Your Post office box! OK! Ask Father to do something about it! Remind him that you were a good daughter to him [better than to me, though!] for the last 39 years! If he will be sleazeball about it tell me and tell me the address where it is! we will go there but after May 15, when my partner will be allowed to travel and out of his quarantine thing. I hope we will figure it out and pay for it! Oh! Why you never did forward it to me from the beginning?!

Why you hate me so much that you can’t trust me, me, your bloody Mother? Why you must make your life so complicated each time you turn around?! It is hard to be this way! Really! Clean your heart from the hate for me and free yourself for a new life without the hatred for Mother: you will see how much space there will be emptied for you for breathing and moving freely!

Here are two people in the world, can you imagine?!- who truly love you: me, and your sister! Surprise, surprise! And you trying your best to hurt us by doing everything opposite of what we telling you to do! Why?! The syndrome of the superior older sister in action? The discrimination towards Mother who doesn’t know English, so, it is not worthy to listen to her?! Stop your arrogance toward us it brings you to all kinds of stupid, aren’t you tired of it?!

You are looking for the harmony in all kind of wrong places -get the harmony with your REAL tribe, Mother and sister who do love you genuinely, not fake, not pretend because we need from you something! Father, I don’t sure, he has more money to prove there something, but I am sure if he does anything it is because he hopes that there will be someone to “bring him a cup of water” when he will be a frail f****er. It is always some strings attached there.

I listen to two different witches about the horoscopes and they said a lot of the changing your way of thinking, changing your life perspective, lifestyle but nothing about traveling for you in May! But both of them said: it is a danger there for you after May 13? 22, or 21-Beware of sharp objects, and beware of stupid drivers on a road. All the month would be tensed, so calm down yourself with yoga and meditations. Maybe, some honest prayers to GOD will be helpful.

No one can kick you out of the place there – it is against the LAW of THEIR LAND. But, I would stop behaving like a loser and stay in the same room with Jessica, a butt stinker and not leveled bitch. You must find a safer place, room for yourself. It puts you down, it is against the GOD’s will. It is against all the laws of cleanliness, kashrut, against everything that God said it supposed to be. Dirt, stink – is a sin, stop living in it! It suppresses your spirit, your soul – hurts your self-esteem so hard, it makes you do inadequate decisions, don’t you see it?!

Why you are always letting people walk over you and after that running to me to flush me with your rage? Did I ever do it to you?  NO. Then, why do you think it is pleasant to me to be a subject to your rage? Stop it, X, grow up! It is enough to behave like a teenager! You are 39-year-old Lady – think and behave accordingly!

All that I am telling you because I really want you to stay in the NEW ZEALAND. Just, as all wealthy people do. They are paying so many millions to get there and not everyone can even get there. GOD put you there and you are running into the Hell on the Earth. WHY? To crash into my one-bedroom apartment? Or, again, clean someone’s stupid house in order to stay under the strange and creepy peoples’ roofs? It is not ending to this!  You do not have money and not a job to support yourself here.

GOD gives you an opportunity to start life from a clean page and you are running away from HIS MERCY! It is hard to start living in the new country, I know it from my own experience, you do not need to explain it to me on fingers! But, if you tried – you actually can make a better life for yourself there than here- you can find a job, a respectable job for yourself as a teacher of yoga, as you wanted and be respected as a human.

Here, your chances to do the same are -0.000% now. It was hard for you when everything was alright and now what you think?  you will not even get Section 8 housing because of the homelessness now is 10 000 000 times higher than when you left several months ago! People lose their job = lose the house- where they all go? to the section 8. And priorities are for families with children! 

I do not see the bright future for you here for about two years, at least! You just sitting there on the island, refusing to read or listen to the news, like an ostrich, putting head in the sand, just because I said to not do so! It does not matter – you read it or not – it EXISTS!  

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2020-election/it-s-irresponsible-it-s-dangerous-experts-rip-trump-s-n1191246?cid=sm_npd_nn_fb_ma&fbclid=IwAR2p5lZRGlybNrAdhrD1jwscmiFAOJZsO-uC3RLlwjyNPZwUcHxnqgGvaY4

DO you want to live in this kind of country? If you can, please, stay there you will be safe and be saved there, with intelligent people and the government around you. What is really REALLY I afraid of is the fact, that you have to drive here from CA. Everywhere are tornados, floods, natural fires, and disasters on your way and I do not know how you may avoid them! 

But the most – the most of all which put me into the frenzy, into the shock, paralyzing fear – are protesters against the closeup, roaming around with the guns, semi-automatic rifles like unleashed satans looking for the innocent victims! It is all on your way home: it doesn’t matter what route you take: to the south or north, or east, or center from CA you would meet them.

It makes my skin crawl.  I do not know what else I can tell to stop you from it now. I can’t trust God to save you there: it is just against God’s Will to go to Hell and demand God to save you from the fire.

In the Bible, it says: “DO not tempt God.” -it is a situation. No other. I just do not understand: why everything with you must be so difficult for me? You are always were so smart. It is so simple. So obvious to me: God gave you unprecedented opportunity to be in New Zealand at the right time to the second to save your soul, your body, your mind, and you are instead running into the Hell.

Why such an urgency?! Who is calling you here? Father? Your ex-husband? Your ex-husband’s stupid bitch mother? Her dad? I think he is dead, I think I saw her post, but I’m not sure I didn’t read it. 

It doesn’t matter to me who does it – you must know – they have their agenda to humiliate you here now. I do not see anything good for you here now. We are fucked up – let you come and sit in our doo-doo together! What fun will be! Ha-ha-ha! What happiness… for satans! All the clever and kind people want you out of here in NZ, and all the evil people want you here, in the USA, the leading country for the death from COVID-19! Don’t you see it?!

I think you have no clue where you are running to! Do you think you are tired to be closed up there? Here we are all will be under the lock until June or worst and then it will be the second, worst wave of the virus in September, we’ll sit in isolation for another winter. There in NZ, at least some nature to look at. Here is a curfew hour at 8 pm, and the fine of $ 500-$ 2000 and one-year jail for disobeying the new rules. but you do not see the news, so, you do not care.

If you came back, you would sit with me for 24 hours a day and hate me with all of your might but nothing you will be able to do with it! And go out they not allowed. Rent? you will not be able – it is a new price here. You will desperado stick yourself again to some basement with creep as a landlord over your soul just to show me: you can do it! WHY?!!! 

It is NOT the USA as you left. It is a new dictatorship here. It is more Rushka than the land of free as you remember it! I hope you will hear my soul. I hope God will give you wisdom and show you the way to save yourself. I hope you will reject the arrogance and allow Him to show the WAY, and not block HIM as you do it to me.

I hope I can sleep, maybe, not really. God bless you, all of your thoughts and actions. He shall protect you from all evil-minded people and ill devised influences. He will give you His guidance, and His wisdom. His Angels shall protect you every moment of your life from everything wrong.

Love, Mother  https://finance.yahoo.com/news/needed-rich-americans-activate-pandemic-113902645.html I better close this book now. 

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April 23 – Day 29, Journal

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April 22 – Day 28, Journal

The Devil. Lust and addiction.

Ace of Wands. Lust and inspiration.

And the Moon. Today is the new moon; the fresh turning of a page.

The next full moon will be in Scorpio! Secrets will surface, and submerged passions will bare themselves in the light of that moon. Hopefully, right? That’s what makes this lockdown so fun!

But that’s 2 weeks away! I can’t wait that long. I’ll have to immerse myself in the darkness of the new moon, to practice surrendering to the empty page.

It’s cooling off as autumn progresses, and it seems that most of the Israeli kids don’t go out for a daily walk, especially not alone. I wish they all would spend some time alone with nature, because i enjoy it so much, and i want them to experience God like that, too.

Today, I shared one of my secret spots with a bunch of the Israeli kids. It was nearby and easily accessible to Moshe, who is only now trying to walk after being on bed rest. It’s been maybe 2 weeks since he hurt his back. He’s been in considerable pain, but he’s managing to self-medicate fairly well.

I visited him once or twice while he was immobile, since Room 5 is just across the hall from Jessica and I. He was weak and vulnerable and alone – a predator’s dream! I hoped at least to set some foundations for a friendship that might have benefits. Maternal sympathy for his poor back always won out over lust, of course, and I couldn’t figure out what to do with him, so I slunk away and let it go.

It turned out that the crowd that would be following me to my secret spot was rather large. We’d been told to stay in groups smaller than 4 when we left the compound so that our bubble of 22 would be less intrusive to the locals.

The locals had been horrified when a large group of the Israeli kids – about 10 of them – had made an exhilarating game of jumping off the Albert Town bridge into the cool aquamarine river 10 meters below. This happened only a few days into lockdown, when it was still warm and fear was still poisoning peoples’ hearts. Numbers were called, videos were taken, fingers flew, bubbles shuddered, and Peter had to give the kids a stern talking-to on behalf of the police sergeant.

So, we left for my hidden cove without warning. It was a wink and a word from Ariel, and i grabbed the bong and whisked the kids away with confidence.

I wanted to take them into the little bower that the Mormon had found. There would be plenty of space in the dappled shade of the willow for us all to spread out along the river and watch its current flow.

They didn’t want to go all the way into the bush where we’d be truly hidden under the tree, in our own world. I didn’t press them too far, because they are so young, and must be forgiven for being timid. Cautious. Wise to an old predator’s tricks.

How do i separate one from the group?

It was enough that they were in the sun and off the compound, so we huddled in a somewhat secluded area on the grassy riverbank. Secluded enough to break out the bong and a baggie and a case of beer, anyway.

Finally! We were out in nature, laughing together, softening together. Now, if only i could engineer inner joy and outer silence for these cute kids, they’d be well on their way to bliss. But that’s not my journey, not my business.

Silence is a challenge for most people. When silence blessed our mellow group, it rested for less than a minute before sweet, bright Joseph murmured:

“How many different birds can you hear right now?”

They eagerly rose to the challenge: 3, 6, maybe 5; the numbers popped up to replace the avian symphony with the human ego. They joked lightly, and I heard Shira’s razor-sharp wit for the first time.

Shira looks suspiciously like Venus posing on the half-shell; her rich golden-brown hair waving long and loose almost to the waist. She’s Joseph’s girlfriend. Shira’s smile is wide and sexy, so it was easy to think that she got along with the guys so well because she was the most relaxed of all the Israeli girls. She drank and smoked and jumped off the Albert Town bridge in a bikini like a gangster.

My inability to understand Hebrew kept me from hearing her clever tongue. Today, they all spoke in English for me (God, i love these kids) and I finally got to hear a perfectly-timed retort from her sword-sharp mind. This is why she’s so beautiful!

She came up with a fun little game: we’d just go around and disclose our favorite animal and the color of our underwear. They all had such sweet animal totems: Shira was giraffe, Ariel was a sea turtle, Moshe was a whale, Joseph was a penguin. I chose a wolf. We laughed at the color of our undergarments, and then we had to go around and make the noise of the animal we’d chosen. What does a sea turtle or penguin even say? Giggles and guesses sufficed. I was the last to go, and I’m proud that i only hesitated for a moment.

I’ve practiced my howl, in the dark emptiness after my dogs’ deaths. I know the timbre of that foreign tongue, even if i’m not fluent in the language. It’s wildness and pride and grief and surrender. It’s the heart of the Earth singing both sides of the story: both love and sorrow.

I kept it light and short, but i didn’t deny myself the truth of the wolf’s voice. I threw my head back so that my throat was in line with heaven and earth and the despair of everlasting love poured into the clear sky like a column of smoke.

We laughed at ourselves and gently stumbled home before it got too dark.

On the way, Itai told me that the door to Room E in the vacant lodge across the street was open. Just unlocked – anyone could walk right in and have their own private space.

In return, i told him that i’d found the key to Room 8 in our lodge. Room 8 has been locked since the beginning, since we fill the other 7 rooms evenly, if not comfortably. That room was kept unoccupied, presumably for use as a quarantine chamber. I snuck in and found a nice double bed and a bunk in Room 8. Seems like a good shag pad to me, but i didn’t tell Itai that.

Our bubble is expanding.

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April 21 – Day 27, Journal

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April 25 – Day 31, Journal

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April 20, Day 26 – Journal

It was imperative that I leave my secret riverside glen at that moment. It always feels that way: like a strong suggestion to move my physical body immediately for My greater good. Wondering about it only disrupts the perfect timing.

He was probably from South America or South Europe. He had a man bun. I was a radiant vessel.

I saw him before he saw me. I saw the fire in his firm stride. There would be fire in his eyes. He was walking downriver, and I was going up, towards the lodge. I know the dance moves.

I warmly meet his gaze; a soft, quick smile, then my eyes quickly flutter down. His gaze follows mine down my body. My hips swing easily. It’s been no longer than 2 seconds since our eyes first met. We both move at a healthy pace, drawn towards each other because we’re going different directions.

Three seconds before our paths cross, I lift my gaze to meet His again. This time, my eyes are a warm invitation: bold, steady, and playful. These microexpressions tell him a story, and idle fuckery turns into consuming lust almost immediately.

I let his penetrating gaze sink into mine, opening to receive its fire. We are bound in this moment, in carnal togetherness, exactly 6 feet apart.

Three perfect seconds. A moment on the knife’s edge, and then we passed each other. We each saw it for what it was and continued on towards our homes without a flicker of hesitation. My last impression of him was joy and triumph.

This has happened often in the past: these brief, potent, and fantastical relationships of the eyes, but it’s more special during lockdown. We crave communion now.

It’s just a matter of finding the right dance partner at the right time. The Divine wants only to couple with Itself all the time, in all ways. This is a joyous, harmless way of appeasing my God. Isn’t it?

Geez. If I wasn’t so pretty and soulful, I’d be a pervert.

You can communicate volumes through your eyes: everybody knows that. These are the volumes that i want to read, over and over. They’re the soul’s dirty secrets, written in a language that i’m determined to decipher.

If the soul is the layer of us which has eyes to see, the perspective of this particular soul is that we are all contributing to God’s omniscience. We’re gathering information about humanity (and therefore God) through our eyes and experiences, and then we get to take that information inwards and let our disturbed little minds play with it. And those dark twistings are God, too.

I love men because it’s usually about sex. That’s the story i want to read. That eternal balancing act of male and female.

I love seeing a person as naked as they can possibly be, with nothing impeding the brilliant Truth within. The fewer the barriers, the more completely the feminine and masculine can merge into One. When i look into a person’s dark pupils, I’m looking into the inner chambers of their brain; where Shiva awaits Shakti.

Past the boundaries of clothing and skin and bodies, past the labels and society’s conditioning; and even deeper, I see past time and pain to the eternal bliss that burbles inevitably to the surface when encapsulated in unspoken desire. When I see it, the Divine in me calls Itself out, bliss to bliss.

Good eye contact is crucial. It completes the circuit of energy and then God can flow through our third eyes, too. Carnal knowledge.

I told the Mormon about my obsession with what I call the Dark Look. I wonder if he thinks I’m crazy. The Darkness is just a description of the quality of the pupils of a person’s eyes when they’re thinking about you in a sexual way. It’s as dark and open as space itself, but shimmering thickly with entanglement. Like a black latex forest.

The quality improves and becomes much more intoxicating over time, as desire simmers in the low, concealed parts of the brain. The blackness gets richer somehow, as if grooves of repeated need create a plush texture in the neurons that hold the fantasy of our togetherness. I want to sink into those soft grooves.

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April 18 – Day 24, Correspondence

On April 18, 2020, at 2:48PM, X wrote:

Hi Sister! That last letter was brewing for a while, but i wanted to quickly thank you for the news and the adorable photos of the kids!

It is so cool that you put treasures inside real eggs for them!! They must have had so much fun breaking them open. You’re such a good mama!

I’m in a good spot here, i think – the population is small, and we’re all doing a good job of isolating ourselves, but of course i will take extra precautions. Thanks 💛

I will finish the other letter soon – sorry for being slow. I love you!

On April 15, 2020, at 6:44AM, Sister wrote:

Dear X, I know how humiliating and hurtful it is when Papa does that. He did the same to me around February. I had asked him for some money because we never had a vacation since… well… as long as I can remember.

The children do not know what a beach is. They have seen beaches in pictures and ask if it really exists. They never rode in a plane, train, or even car, or been in a hotel. Well, the car was trashed when the oldest was a baby, so technically, she was in the car but it was so, so long ago that she does not remember it at all. It was by no means a vacation though- it was a doctor’s visit for eczema.

Year after year we are stuck in the same city, because we haven’t the means to do better. So when I explained all this, Papa actually offered $3000 also- which was more than I thought he would give, too. I started getting all excited, making plans…  but in the end, he decided not to. His excuse was he always has to ask his wife’s permission for money transfers. 

I was totally humiliated too . I asked the same questions you are asking: why offer the money in the first place? does he need attention? No one seemed to understand. But now he is playing the same tricks on you, without even leaning on his wife for an excuse.

I guess it was so long ago for Mama, so when I complained to her, her response was a tad numb. My partner maybe thought it was funny. but I felt and still feel deeply hurt by Papa’s technique.

When a person promises something to you – and backs out, even though he is more than able to help – it is no different than stealing. I felt quite the same as when the random dude stole my camera with my children’s irreplaceable photos.

So from my experience, don’t take any guarantees from Papa. Don’t even expect an inheritance… just protect your heart from getting trampled on. 
I’ll answer the rest of your letter when I have time. I had to send this message urgently so you’d have something to brace yourself against. You are not alone! I better run

On April 18, 2020, at 6:19AM, Sister wrote:

Hi X! I finally had a moment to sit down and read more thoroughly your litterature – it is so very true about the parents!

About your roommate: you think the stink might come partially from sugar? I made an amazing discovery: when I cut out sugar ( and white flour and white rice, etc…) my stinky stink mysteriously vanished.. I did not need deodorant or even baking soda.. but if ever I have the urge or obligation for something with sugar or refined carbs, I have to use deodorant.

Well, good luck with that one. maybe you can powder her clothes with baking soda when she’s not looking.. not sure if it will help though.😒

Actually about a month ago I told Papa that I felt he saw me as a child, without responsibilities, like I don’t have a family to take care of. He said it is “not true”. But whatever. You felt it too… so maybe it is not all in my head..

I can’t stand people like Trump who are so sure of their lies that nothing is clear to me at all. They have so much in common. Trump and Papa both married some Asian looking woman. Then Trump’s own face looks like Papa’s wife’s ( how could she and Papa NOT love Trump?) both are narcissistic.

Papa uses money ( whatever power he has) to humiliate people. Trump withdraws funding from the WHO to humiliate them – though what he accused them of doing, was his own crime. Trump writes his own name on the next check to Americans, as if it is from his own pocket, and not the taxpayer’s. And Papa – well, you know. they both crave praise. They are both spiritual on purpose in front of an audience.

I just want to see the end of the matter. I want to know if their lies are a figment of my imagination, or if God saw their acts and words in the depths of my humiliation.

It must be a drag to have winter all over again. I am impressed by the NZ prime minister.. she’s the opposite of Trump. I wish you could enjoy spring there. I bet you would be happy to live there, more than in America, if you could find a foothold away from those overly religious folk.

About the boys… sure, you don’t have to care what people think, and everyone will probably just go away eventually. But still. You do care about what God thinks of you, right?. It might not feel like God is always watching you, but in the end, all of these details will come up.

Did you respect your own body? if you did not like it when people preyed on you just for fun, not sincere love, why would you do it to someone else?  Especially in this time.

The apocalypse is nearing. it is not only Covid-19, it is the locust plague in Africa, the severe earthquakes, the tornadoes that are strangely worse than usual – all grouped together in this time. Is it not evidence of God’s wrath on the people? it is time to be so serious now , not a time to play. The angel of death is stalking the streets as I say this.

Even if I got it all wrong and the End is still hundreds of thousands of years away, everything we do and say is being recorded- but enough of my blabbering. I am just concerned for you. I know you are sincere.

Ok ok maybe it is coming through… I have to be strict because my main job is making sure my own children are on the right path.🤓

They might be back to school as early as May 11, but I doubt it. I think they will only open up the less affected areas first. We might not get back til … well… September.

This one of the worst regions for Coronavirus, just right after Paris. Plus, I deeply suspect we already got it … I feel like I’ve had weird symptoms twice already. But nothing too bad, just the same dry cough, diarrhea, which came and went. Scientists are confused too, they think people can get it more than once. I guess I’ll never know.

I am not only a tad scared to see a doctor, but it is so complicated to see a doctor in the first place. You need a special document or a video conference ( too technologically advanced for the likes of me!) .. our symptoms were not too interesting anyway. Maybe it was just too much Matzah. But … matzah and diarrhea?? whatever. maybe my gluten intolerance to matzah.

Have a beautiful weekend, if possible! I hope you are allowed to keep your shabbat freely (?) 😚Love, Sister

On Apr 18, 2020, 9:00 PM, Mama wrote:

My Darling!
I don’t know what to do with your post office problems. It is a problem, I do not have a car, and my partner is going to NY periodically, then he has to stay in quarantine for the next 14 days and then, again! [So, if you want me to go I can do it on May 3 and on]

He just must control his Mother, and she needs it, she is so helpless, her cognitive qualities are going down, she forgets to eat, to take bath…She just never forgets to talk to him every day for hours on a time!

I am afraid for him: he is not the superhero as he thinks he is he is in the “risk” category person, and he is going to the epicenter of disaster in this country.

And what about me? Something is not really right. Nu, ladno, he puts himself on quarantine for 14 days and not visiting me. OK, but I rather have him here sometimes! Also, I would like to have him alive for as long as it is possible!

Also, I know how much you are tired to be a traveler and live with the stink pile in the room! I think, maybe it is an opportunity to ask to move you to another room so she will not jump on you when her craziness will workout again, maybe, it not worth waiting for this episode to happen, huh? it is dangerous to live with some mentally coo-coo head. It is scaring me.

Also, your sister wrote me a letter and said: maybe it is for good that you are there in the safe spot on the Earth, maybe, you should think about somehow settle there for a while, huh? At least to the begging of June? When restrictions here will be lifted a bit?

Also, you are maybe relaxed there, but we are going to the store for groceries [pharmacy] only once in two weeks with masks and gloves on – it is the law now in Maryland, if not – there is a fine. I forgot it is $ 300 or $ 600 now. six feet social distancing, too. 

Lapochka Sheli! It is not flu – it is some more dangerous than we thought it is. You are just in the place where the government consists of normal people who took it seriously on time to prevent the disaster.

Here is the situation not like that, really. Some money thirsty fool is on the throne in here! His every next decision for the country is more foolish than the previous, and the one after this is one… you already think – worth can’t be it is impossible – noop! He will top it!

Also, when you come all fresh here be so careful, so diligent about your safety!

Wear your mask, your gloves all the way home! Wash your gloves and ruchki each time you come home and then, face, too. leave the shoes near the door, leave your clothes, too, near the door or wash as I do. I do a shower each time I coming from outside.

Remember 6 feet distance from every enemy on your way! It is plague and dangerous, it does not make anti-bodies! So people got sick and do not know it, ok! Lucky! Then they got sick the second time, it is harder, and than third time – it is even worse!

Do not take chances! No one is invincible!  Ð‘ережённого – Бог бережёт! God saves the one who saves himself!

Do not “try” God’s patience, it looks to me – this thing has come to the limit with the introduction of COVID-19. Just let us be wise for a while – all our life is in front of us. I do not scare you, I want you to be safe as much as is humanely possible. Turn off the panic, turn on the logic, coolness, and wisdom. That is all.

Whatever you are socializing there now – enjoy it! Here – it is a different reality! We must adjust ourselves to it and prepare ourselves for the alternated life – it will not what you left here in October. Whatever you remember – it is your past.

Just remember: our family went through so many crises – it is not fun to count them. but it gave us the strength to know – we will overcome this one, too. God made his mission – to safe us and He always saves us, doesn’t matter what happens.

He never forgets His promises to our family, to chosen people. [“chosen” people -is such an old saw, and now all those Christians love using it: “Let them sneeze on me! Nothing would happen to me! Jesus blood on me!” TV news] I hate to use it, too. But it is what it is.

I do not think, God had have smeared his blood on me, but I think He gave me the wits to think about how to protect myself from all evilness and evil people’s sneezes! So, I will use His wisdom.

DO not worry, be happy. You would come here and start the new page of your life. Didn’t you wanted to do so from the beginning, huh?! We did it so many times, we will do it again. Enjoy every day you have there, every moment, even, when it looks like someone puts brakes to your wheels – you will see it why when you turn the next corner!

God is always kind, loving, thoughtful, compassionate. Have a wonderful day! And, if those stupids do not see the handsome boy, go ahead and enjoy his company yourself!

Love, love a lot, and some more, Mother