Tag: coronavirus

July 29, 2020, Journal

Unending ribbons of rain prevented me from taking my regular morning excursion, which ostensibly involves a benign mixture of yoga, tourism, and tramping through the West Coast’s forests. It’s far too damp to pretend that being outside is synonymous with ‘vacation’.

Today, the Regent’s company will have to serve as my daily distraction from the pain of being unlovable and barren. He’s so alive; so eager to talk about anything. Was it just the four months of Covid-19 isolation that we’d all endured, or was it a longer loneliness that had been begging for dissolution? His expressiveness reminds me of the few times in my childhood when I’d taken a precious school friend up to my room, my sacred space, and shown her all the treasures that I’d collected in my handful of years: shells and dolls, plastic horses and dream castles, books and bones and a long, shimmering snakeskin. Those rare friends slithered out of my life consistently, but I do remember how joyous that initial intimacy was.

Show-and-tell to a loving and genuinely interested audience is a childhood fantasy come true. The Regent deserves that. Why not? He loves to talk, like all men do, but our relationship is something special. He’s read my blog, and he knows who I am… at least to some extent, at least between March 23 and April 22 of this year.¹

This blog is written in my honest voice. I really like it, and I want to share it, but I reckon everyone feels the same way about their voice. My voice is usually drowned out by the voices of other, more important people, and I always end up hating those relationships. Sharing my words with the Regent so early on might not have been the wisest idea, given the content herein, but it’s put me in a unique position of power. I’ve been heard on my terms. Is this the first time that a person has voluntarily taken the time to listen to me?

Of course, you talk to men on dates, but they don’t listen. They just stare at your flesh and think of their next brilliant quip. If you do manage to capture their interest with words, they’ll twist that connection into a competition and tell you how they’ve done it better or more dramatically. I always end up wasting my night, staring at them in forced adoration as they orate ad infinitum. Every time, I pray that we can stop this dick parade and maybe discuss something like two human beings. They never notice my kindness and respect in letting them drone on, and they absolutely never allow me to drone on. If I go on for more than five or six consecutive sentences, they stopper my lips with a kiss and move right on to sex.

Funny. If you replace the sex and kisses with yelling and whippings, they’d be exactly like my parents. Funny, funny patterns.

This is different, though. The Regent already knows me. My parents have never read my words. None of my exes have, either, except the Quaker, back in 2018. The thing is, I’m not sure that I want them to see my strength. They love me for my softness.

My words are my weapon. Divorce taught me that. I destroyed my ex-husband with my words, as much as one can destroy a vampire. He conquered me physically so many times, but I used my exquisite, sharp words to claw away at his deformed heart until it finally bled tears in recompense for the pain that he’d caused me. They were all so surprised that I’d hurt him. They thought I was prey, too.

It would be lovely and marketable if the sword of truth that my writing wields was a handy kitchen tool that I could use to slice off a piece of New Zealand to share with the world. But it is a weapon. Slicing away the Veil, sentence after sentence; a sword destroys boundaries. Humans love to peer within the hidden architecture of our character to find the juicy flow of life, a reminder of their own vitality. It’s the same old story: following the Universe’s injunction to look, perceive, know… to penetrate darkness with light. Then we can fulfill the only desire of the Universe: to lovingly see Itself in all Its naked glory.

Finally, that primal hunger to be truly seen and known is being sated. In my fantasies, that is love. I’m often wrong about such things.

The Regent hasn’t mentioned my writing, but it seems to have created a shortcut to our friendship. He sees me as a person without him ever having to listen to me speak. I feel heard, and he feels secure. I also feel exposed, as I cannot forget that these words expose my vulnerable vital organs to the world. He seems enchanted by my boldness. Is it a fox’s fixation on a mouse?

These rainy days have been ideal for working on my blog. Like everything I do, it takes forever because I like things just so. The tricky part is presentation. It’s always got to be fresh… new words to say the same things, covering up the obvious: that it’s all just a pile of zeros and ones; shaken, stirred, and served fresh daily!

This sort of mental and emotional challenge requires all of my attention. Sitting on the Regent’s guest couch, I fall into the memory of those lockdown days at the Lodge as though I’m falling into a hypnotic state and diligently tap my story into my cell phone. Sometimes I’ll sit there for two or more hours, and I often feel the Regent considering me from a distance. I’m spending as much time typing as I am hitting that tiny delete button with my fat, almost-40-year-old fingers. I need a proper keyboard.

It occurred to me that I might be able to buy a used laptop online if I could use the Regent’s address as a destination, so I asked him for permission yesterday. I love watching him be generous. Pride sits well on a Maori. That lifted barrel chest displays his culture just as obviously as the Regent’s full lips and well-creased eyes.

This morning, the Regent was eager to show me his Virtual Reality toys. In his casual Kiwi way, he waved at the small stack of VR units still in their boxes under his TV.

“I got a great deal on these,” he explained, “I want to set up a gaming room in downtown Westport.”

“Really?” This was the first time he’d mentioned any sort of career or community involvement. “What a cool idea! We need more social spaces, and I bet you’d get tons of business.”

“Nah, yeah, I’ve got a connection, and I can get a good space for cheap. It’ll just be a bunch of VR stations where you can rent these by the hour, and just play and chill.”

The way he said ‘chill’ made me giggle.

“Chell.” I mimicked his accent as well as I could, trying to curl the outer edges of my lower lip down and in so I could achieve the same delicate conch-shell shape. “Where’s the ‘i’? I think you mixed it up with your ‘iggs’ for breakfast.”

“Eegs!” the Regent insisted with mock outrage. “They’re eegs. Always been eegs. How do you say it?”

“Eggs… it’s almost an ‘a’ sound, actually.” I laughed at my American assumptions. “I guess it makes more sense your way. You say the ‘e’ sound and then a ‘g’… what else does a person need from two letters? It’s perfect.”

“Yeah, sweet as.”

“Another one!” I pointed to a Kiwiana poster at the far end of the living room that was simply a collection of Kiwi sayings and slang² in a variety of jazzy fonts. “There, on the left: sweet as! You really do say all of the stereotypical words! I love it. And I especially love that it’s completely unironic. You’re a perfect tour guide.”

“I’m Kiwi as.” the Regent’s puffy chest rose as he laughed. “Here’s one that’s not on that poster: jafa. Have you ever heard that one?”

“Jaffa? A city in Israel? No… Sounds like something I’ve eaten before, though… Isn’t it a sort of chocolate-orange cookie?”

“No,” the Regent smiled wide and enlightened me. “Jafa, with one ‘f’. It stands for ‘Just Another Fucking Aucklander.’”

“Ahh! Awesome! Is there some sort of rivalry between the big-town snobs and the rural salt of the earth? Are Aucklanders really terrible or something?” It felt like getting the goss from the girls at work after a few days off – my ears were tingling to know about the juicy local social alliances.

“Auckland is just full of these assholes who think they’re king shit, with their huge cars and their fancy clothes. If they could, they’d buy up all the land and make wineries. The rest of New Zealand can’t be bothered with them.” The Regent shrugged. “You’ll see, if you ever get there.”

“Pff.” My disdain was obvious. “Doubt it. Sounds like Americans. Sounds like exactly the type of person that would destroy a continent for financial gain. Sounds like what I’m running from. It makes me so happy that there is a derogatory word specifically for city folk like that.”

“They’re basically wanna-be Australians. And Australians are wanna-be Americans. Out here on the South Island is where you get the real New Zealand.”

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be a citizen here?” I was serious for a moment. “This country is so real, and pure, and people are actually reasonable! I mean, they actually have common sense and they use it! You have no idea how rare this is in the States. I hate it there, and I don’t want to go back.” I heard my petulance, and I rushed to justify my discontent. “Americans are scared, stupid, and angry. I mean, you know. You’ve watched TV.”

“Yeah. The whole world knows what Americans are like.” the Regent’s chin wobbled in unambiguous assent. “Why don’t you stay here?”

“Can I?” I shrugged away his answer. “Everything’s still so strange with Covid. Do I belong here? Can I afford it? Maybe once we get to Level 2, I can look for a job.”

“Well, while we’re still stuck at home, do you want to try the VR?” The Regent really is good company. I must remember to compliment his excellent hosting skills when I write my review for AirBnB.

“A hundred percent.”

“Here, start with this.” He flipped through the options that popped up on his TV and rested on an Aquarium Immersion. “It’s just a small interactive world where you can try out the controls and see what it’s all about.”

A heavy set of goggles was strapped to my head, and the Regent pressed little control sticks into each of my hands. Darkness cleared, and the goggles showed me that I was underwater, facing a digital reef that swayed to a digital current. The sticks allowed me to navigate, as though I was propelling a little metal cage that defined the inside edges of this virtual aquarium. Fish swam past, traversing the field of my goggles with long, elegant strokes while anemones pulsed beneath me.

Visually, it truly seemed immersive; in a false, cartoonish way. VR could feasibly be quite entertaining. During my ten-minute session, I was extremely aware of two simultaneous realities: moving the hand controls and goggles to accurately interact with a world which only I can see, and how insane I looked as I did so. The cognitive dissonance was too much for me to bear, so I gently removed the lie from my head. It felt like quitting a job. I returned the VR set to the Regent with much gratitude for this new technological experience.

“It really feels like you’re surrounded by water! Amazing!” I used the moment to add some encouragement around his idea of opening a gaming room. He’s clearly lonely here in Westport.

“I’ve got stacks of these in the garage,” the Regent boasted. “I knew VR was going to hit big, so I wanted to get ahead of the game. Once Covid dies down, I can get the business into gear.”

“Once Covid dies down… How many times are we going to say that over the next few months?”

“It just won’t go away. And people are acting like eegs, making it worse. Did you hear about the idiots that escaped from quarantine last week?”

“What?! No, what happened?”

“They just had to get out of isolation,” he shrugged, “I guess they flew in from Australia and were under quarantine. It was a handful of people that just fucking jumped the fence and made a break for it. It was up north. They’ve been at Level 4 lockdown basically since this whole thing started: shelter in place, that sort of thing. We’re lucky to be at Level 3 and to be able to travel between towns. They’re going nuts with all the restrictions up there.”

“I got the impression that Kiwis were happy to follow the rules, or at least the Covid rules that impact public health.”

“Down here, yeah. We kind of go along to get along on the South Island.”

“There aren’t many people here. I guess that helps you respect and appreciate boundaries?”

The Regent pursed his curvy lips. “Yeah, and a lot of the farmers are used to being isolated and chained to their farms. They’re very conservative here in the South, especially when you get down towards Invercargill. Strangers bring change, and they don’t like either of those things. Lockdown was just fine by them.”

“And that’s not the case in Auckland?”

“Mostly, yeah, Kiwis will follow the restrictions. We’re all about family, whanau³, and we want to protect each other. Whanau isn’t just your immediate family, it’s your cousins and their cousins and anyone that we want to include in our circle. But we definitely have our share of radicals. That’s where Greenpeace was created, and those hippies are serious.” The Regent was flipping through his phone to find evidence for his assertions. A rather dry timeline of New Zealand’s Covid events appeared.

“See, here,” he scrolled, then paused. “24 July… five people abscond from a managed isolation facility, making a total of eight who have done so.”⁴

“Abscond!” I laughed heartily. “I love it here! They make it sound like Scooby-Doo and his gang are in trouble! Do they seriously need to keep Auckland under quarantine for so long? I know we’ve had new cases, but there’s been basically almost no deaths, and absolutely none since May 28th.”

“We’ve had 22 die.” The Regent’s pride was also a remembrance. “The first one was right here in Westport.”

“I’m so sorry. I forgot about that.”

“No, compared to the death toll in America, it is almost nothing.”

“America could use a culling.”

“America could use whanau.”

¹ thousandpetalsproject.com/april-22-day-28-journal/

² https://www.shopnz.com/blogs/nz-travel-and-culture/nz-slang-words-and-what-they-mean-to-us

³https://www.janeshearer.com/a-meaning-of-whanau

⁴ https://www.nzdoctor.co.nz/timeline-coronavirus

Tags abuse, accent, America, aquarium, Auckland, coronavirus, Covid-19, family, friendship, gaming room, immersion, Jafa, kiwi, Kiwiana, lie, lockdown, love, men, new zealand, power, rain, rules, slang, sword of truth, united states, virtual reality, weapon, west coast, Westport, whanau, writing

Uncategorized

June 15, Correspondence

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date October 14, 2020

Emails between Sister and I

On June 1, 7:43pm, Sister wrote:

Hello! I forgot to wish you a happy Shavouot! It is already passed, but today; June 1 2020, is Pentecost Monday in France, nothing is open, so it reminded me. These holidays always have beautiful weather over here. God bless you, Sister!

https://youtu.be/NrsCej6SVxM

On June 5, 2:12pm, I wrote:

Dearest Sister,

Hello! Mama wrote and said you were sick with a virus – I hope you are ok?! Of course I worry about you and the family in such a populated area. Have you been to the doctor? Does the honey help? I’m so sorry, I wish I could help. Actually, maybe I can – let me know if there’s anything I can do. Maybe I can even fly to you if you would like that?

I just heard that my ex-husband’s grandfather had a stroke. It’s hard. I love him – he’s such a loving, strong male influence in my life (better than Papa, by a long shot). He’s helped me, especially with my dog, Rogue, and he really listens to me (unlike most men). Should I run back, as my ex-mother-in-law hopes, to be by his death-bed?

He’s the only one of that family that I care for, and I know I should just let them go. But I am so loyal to my stupid heart. I want to help – I know I can help – but why? Stupid love. It always overwhelms me and distracts me from doing anything productive for myself.

And what am I doing here? Drifting around aimlessly with an English bloke and wasting money. I might as well do that in the States, right?

Sister, fight this virus! Rest well! I hope you have good nourishing soups and stuff. I will pray for you. And this English bloke is a Mormon, and he says he can get other Mormons to pray for you, too. He’s a little weird, but adorable. And I’ll have to break up with him because I’m paying for everything and he talks too much.

I have to make all the decisions for 2 people – he has no input and a lot to say. A man-child, I guess. And I guess that’s why I’ll run from New Zealand; maybe soon.

I tried living with him in his caravan for a week, but it was very cold, and the owners of the property said I couldn’t stay, so here we are, drifters. Ridiculous.

I don’t think there’s anything here for me. You’re so lucky to have a stable base. Please feel better soon! Sorry i haven’t written much lately. Stupid Mormon. I love you!

On Jun 6, 9:48am, Sister wrote:

Dear Sister, I do not know exactly what the headache and fever were from. I did not say it was coronavirus, but maybe? Today, my partner, out of the kindness of his heart, made a very delicious beef stew. Plus, we had some cherries. My headache diminished after that (almost completely gone), I felt more energy, and the fever disappeared.

Who knows? Maybe it was just a lack of iron. I did take a spoonful of honey, it was very delicious, it helped too. I stopped coughing. We took a walk despite rainy weather, and went home to light Shabbat candles as a family. As usual I have to keep the two eldest children from being pyromaniacs.

Gosh the owners of the property are lame. What kind of help is that- they just kicked you out in the middle of winter? It doesn’t seem too pleasant to be in a cold caravan either. You are certainly roughing it.

I did not realize there are British Mormons. I though they didn’t drink caffeine. Tea is lighter than coffee though, and a British Mormon probably couldn’t drop that. I loved JD Fitzgerald’s Great Brain books, so after I found all in the series, I also got his books “Papa married a Mormon” and “Mamma’s boarding house”. They are a tad more violent/ adult content books, but the same writer, so I enjoyed them.

My eldest devoured all the Great Brain books- I guess those books spoiled her – she was less interested in Roald Dahl and had almost zero interest in French books. I feel bad about it because I have no direction to give her in French literature, except boring college texts… I liked Phèdre.. but it’d be too much for her age.

What is happening in America is interesting to the whole world. They had some manifestations in England, in France too, against police brutality. Even in my city, I think my partner said, in front of the American consulate, they walked on their knees to protest.

Are you sure you would come to coronavirus capital in France? I know Frenchies are not yet allowed to go out of France. I think to come into France it is still complicated (quarantine). Maybe since you are from NZ they’d be nice about it though.

I don’t know what to suggest about your ex-grandfather-in-law. I tell my third child: stop getting distracted… just find your goal… and do it. (it is like pulling teeth to get her to finish whatever she starts – even that delicious stew or the cherries). That’s the advice I’ve been recently cranking out, so I’ll try to sell it to you, too.

That is nice your dude is cute and all, but honestly! He needs to man up and pay his part! It is hard enough being a woman, even without social inequality – just having a woman’s body is simply quite painful – a little gratitude on his end would be nice.

I will pray for you to have direction and make the right decision where to go. I know my partner used to pray for you when you were in conflict with your ex-husband; he was scared your ex-husband could kill you with some of those guns. Take good care of yourself,

Shabbat Shalom
Love, Sister

Emails between Mother and I

On June 7, 9:50am, I wrote:

Hi Mama!

Wow – that’s very cool of the DC mayor to paint ‘Black Lives Matter’ on the city streets! So, what do you think? Is the US safe now?

I haven’t made any solid plans for a flight home, but I’m spending so much money here. I have to do something differently. I’m up in the north part of the South Island again, because it’s warmer here! I wanted to visit the North Island, but the ferry is booked until September.

Also, I found a nice Englishman for company, but he’s not a keeper. It’s been hard finding a cheap place to stay. The kiwi harvests are in, though, and there’s cheap fruit everywhere. We’ve been eating tons of golden kiwis. I love you!

On June 7, 12:40pm, Mother wrote:

I love my daughter!

He-he! About the Englishman I knew, it is in your horoscope. Also, it said that you will figure out some ‘secret’ about him, as if he is a ‘married’ man or some other lie and will decide to shovel him out of life if even you had plans to marry. It is alright if it is in the stars.

The next will be a better catch! It will be always better. According to my life experience! But I like the fact, that you are together today, you need support in the foreign country. Also, I think it is lucky and a beautiful country! It is hard to get a real working visa in order to lead a dignifying life there?

I assume you didn’t apply for a visa until now, huh? Do not be afraid, go ahead, try! It just feels strange and frightening, but you never know it until you try it – it doesn’t cost money, but may bring some income so you will feel better about yourself, though.

People are people there – they would understand you and your situation if even your own [divorced!] parents tell you to hold on horses and do not come now! About the money. I talk to your father last month he said, proudly, that he is supporting you financially in the NZ. Is this true? Then why money is a problem? Say: Thank you, Papa! And use his generosity while it lasts!

It shouldn’t be a problem. I think, with the horrifying experience of divorce you lost the perspective of the world and the sense of self-security. Do not worry about money. Never. I know, it sounds crazy, but this what my mother taught me, I think from her experience.

All the time you are alive there would be money for you to survive. It is not a teaching of the “rich dad” who would teach you to save, collect money, become rich, and some more… It is the words of a person who stayed alive in the circumstances when other people lost the hope and gone under the water. What I try to say: now – this is a crisis and not just in your life: you are the lucky one.

It sounds surprising but so true! You are in NZ! Your life is safe from the strange and evil disease, from the cops, from the horrific unrests, as if GOD took you into His hands and carefully placed you there for the time being. Your goal is to solve the puzzle of survival in NZ side of the world. That how I see it.

About the question: if it is safe to come back and when. It is a serious question and deserves a serious answer. Let us do some research. Now, my partner is in the car on his way to NY [what is new?]. He said to me there is some four stages plan to re-open the country. Now we are on the stage One, although, people are opening the businesses, which is maybe not very wise, but are people are tired of self-isolation.

He will see how it works in the government’s many papers and graphs tomorrow and tell me. He thought maybe in Autumn, but then it would be a second wave of it. But he is the one who must see from every possible angle before he says something.

He is a nudnik but at least, trustworthy. One just has to learn some patience lessons with him and then everything falls in the right place. It is good you didn’t do something definite about it so you would have some flexibility. I know, it sucks, defeats the whole purpose of following the Sun as it was planned, but it is a small price to pay, believe me.

When it will be all over you would look back and say: Praise the God! It was a very good experience for me, though! I am glad you are in the warmer place now. If you can go to an even warmer place – I will be just glad for you: at least there would be a little baby step towards the Sun in this journey for you!

I love the fact that you eat kiwi a lot, and the fruits are cheap now! It is good for your constipation problems, sorry, I cannot find a prettier word for it. But I thought about it a lot, that you may be suffering from it because of your irregular schedule of life.

I love you so much. If you ever knew how much. I have never worried about your sister to this extent. Please, be safe, be smart, wise, protected. Think about your personal safety first. The rest would fall into the place itself. God bless you, save you, guide you, give you His wisdom, and ease of understanding of the situation. I love you so much, and some more.

Maybe, it is a time for you to write this book that you hold in your mind, heart, huh? You have a lot of time now, do the best with it!
Be in touch, Love,
Mother

https://news.yahoo.com/university-washington-forecasts-145-000-020151153.html

On Jun 13, 2020, 5:55pm, Mother wrote:

How do you do, babe? Is it clearer your journey today?

One day I saw you in my dream: you were looking for your horoscope, or teaching it over the internet, and telling me abruptly: “Be quiet! Don’t you see, I am busy?!”

Then, I got an idea, what is new? I listened to several ladies and gentlemen for your horoscope, and they are do not know each other, but essentially telling the same: you have some love, but after you realized the lie he is feeding you, don’t be sorry about it: kick his ass out of your life so you can make a space for real love with fulfillment, love, understanding, the real thing in September -Oct.-Dec. [there were three cards, but of course! I forgot them, but they are all good and kind to you.]

Second, they mentioned about the plans to travel to faraway lands. [What a surprise!] You would see, the plans are scrambled, but don’t worry, it is good to not travel because there is some corridor of eclipses from June 5, to June 22, and July 5. It is not a good time for travel, especially by air. [several of them said.]

And try to not be on a road a lot these days, and be aware of the sharp objects. It is time to relax, reflect on what you learned in the past 12-18 months, make the conclusions, and go ahead [as: not backward]. Those lessons were spiritual, not for physical life. They called it: karmic lessons. If you graduated, got some more self-esteem, self-awareness, that you will not have to go back, but come to nirvana, according to one of the lecturers.

However, another said that if you have something to change in your outer look that you wanted to do for a while, but was afraid, wasn’t sure; do it in June. It would be successful and you will be so beautiful and love yourself. It would be reflected in your image and will draw to you the right, kind, good people that you need in your life. It could be a haircut, some cosmetic stuff, spa, or whatever is connected with your look.

Yes, another, the previous lecturer, not with the connection to Leos, but about something else he talked: We sat in isolation so long and we need the haircut. Go cut it as short as you can for your face because in the length of our hair we are accumulating the sadness of the past – cut it away and feel free of its load!

I am, too, gonna cut my hair. Do not worry, and be safe, I love you, my Darling. You are always in my heart and in my prayers.

Do, and do not be sorry about your decision: it is done because I decided such! You will be so pleased with yourself and your decisions! But do not do them on the empty place: listen to the news, understand them, draw the conclusions. Make plans and maps of your actions. If you have to stay in NZ until September, so be it! Father is not leaving you in limbo.

Oh! It reminds me, one of them said: be vigilant in June: someone looking for your money, to steal, do not give anyone the opportunity to do such a crime! Save his karma from this sin! Kick his ass before he would have an opportunity! Good luck! Those things I wanted to share with you for your goodness.

Also, you probably already saw some emails from your ex-mother-in-law. She asked me yesterday to call you and ask you to call her. I think, her Dad is in bad shape and she thought you are in the country, so she can ask you the favor to stay with him. [as if she doesn’t have a very big family, children, and their families as well!] Or, she just wanted to cry on your shoulder, as if she doesn’t have anyone else[?]

But I sound clinical, and it is maybe not good. She wasn’t nice before and now I do not know how to react when she is in such trouble! I wish I could be helpful. From another side, I feel like in the situation with my relatives: the moment they would finish using me they would do something so backstabbing so I will remember never to show up and remind them with my presence of the worst, miserable, and most shameful moments of their lives.

So, I said kindly that I am sorry about the situation with her dad. Also, that you have had respect for Grandma and Grandfather since you were in college! It is not corona. He had the last stage of lung cancer and now, ten days ago, he got a stroke. But you maybe know it better than I did. Also, I said yes, I will tell you all of this, but you never call me either, just once or lesser a month! When you will call I will tell you it all.

Please, be safe, be beautiful, be wise. God bless you in every moment of your life, in any direction you go or think. Enjoy this country while you can. Each moment counts. I hope you went to the north of the country and not the south, where it is cold for you, huh?

Love you. Yes, she said [another one of the horoscopes]: it is such a bad year for everyone – with 5 eclipses in it – to marry or to get pregnant. Do not marry or get a child this year so the memory of 2020 will not be imprinted on its DNA and karma. I don’t know! I maybe shouldn’t listen to them.

But if you remember, once, the one Russian said: it will be a revolution in the USA. I thought: how much one should have a brainwashed hatred towards the USA to tell such stupidity from the blue! Look at us today! I do not believe my eyes!

But I am glad – it is long overdue: the Time has come. Also, I am glad that you are not here, you are young, you would be mingled in between all of them and everyone is so righteous! Oh! Maybe, God just stuck you there in order to save you?! Maybe, He has better plans for you that we even can imagine?! Maybe, God loves you more than we ever imagined?! Who knows?! Just God does.

Also, another one said: it is a year of the global changes and new, higher spiritual vibrations. We will feel it after the middle of June. Trust your intuition but be vigilant about nosy people who are too much into your business. Maybe, it is for me, too? I am also a too trustful person, it is embarrassing to admit!

In June it is starting a new cycle of 60 years – on a new vibrational level, whatever this means. Whatever was important before will be not anymore, it would be a shift into different priorities and perspectives. But you maybe know it better, because you did all of this labor of the cleansing.

OK, this is it. Be in touch, tell me where are you now? How do you do, feel, what is on your mind? Yes, they all said that June is not a good time for traveling, but a time for relaxing, observing, and thinking. A lot. OK, Please, be safe, be happy, maybe, you can find some synagogue there, huh? Just a thought. Love, love a lot, and some more, Mother

On June 15, 2020, 2:53pm, I wrote:

Hi Mama!

I’ve taken a break from the Englishman (he was annoying me) so I could have some time to think. I’m in a nice room with a kitchen in the southwest corner of NZ, but it is too cold and rainy to explore the area. I’m getting used to the cold, and I found some great wool clothes in their secondhand stores for $2!

Papa did send me money, but it isn’t enough. I don’t want to deal with him, so I just shut up and said thank you. He sent me a total of $2500, which seems like a lot of money! That was 2 months ago, and I gave the lodge $500 for keeping me through lockdown, and spent $750 on the rental car. I’m struggling to find rooms cheaper than $50 per night – it only takes 20 nights to waste $1000. And food is expensive, too.

I can’t solve the puzzle. It’s the exact same puzzle in the United States, though. I guess I have to come home? I got an email from my ex-mother-in-law about her father and his stroke. I feel so bad for him. I should go back and be by his bedside or something.

I do find it strange that my ex-mother-in-law needs so much emotional support from me, especially since I’ve been trying to distance myself. I’m sorry that you had to talk to her on the phone. Thank you. I know you are so good at being there for people when they need help, and I hope it wasn’t too negative for you.

I will look for a ticket home sometime after July 5 – I might as well wait for a day when the stars are aligned in a good way! On July 12, mercury goes out of retrograde, so maybe I should wait until then! Oh! But my taxes! I should get home earlier to do them.

Well. I haven’t really made much progress in the 4 days that I’ve been alone, but you will be happy to hear that I am writing. Feel free to prune any plants that you need to – I am just happy if anything survives! Thank you!

I hope you are doing well? We are down to level 1 lockdown, with no new cases in NZ! I’m so proud of us! I love you!

Emails between my ex-mother-in-law and I

On June 5, 2020, 11:15am, Ex-mother-in-law wrote:

Hey girl, just a note to give you an update on Dad. Today is Thursday. On Monday, Dad had a stroke. It was very scary and I’ve been quite upset about it. Obviously we had to take him to the emergency room and he was admitted. He is hopefully leaving on Friday to go to a nursing home for a short stay to get some physical therapy and speech therapy.

The stroke was the type that only affected his expression. This means he cannot speak well at all nor can he write to tell us what he wants or can he gesture to tell us what he needs. Some therapy may improve this a little but probably not a whole lot. It is going to be very frustrating to care for him if he gets to come home.

We really did not want to send him to a nursing home, but both his doctors highly recommended it for a short stay to help improve his physical ability to make it safer for him to come home. Once we do bring him home it will probably be under hospice care so that I have some help in taking care of him. Even before the stroke he was going downhill very rapidly.

I’m so sorry to be the one to give you this bad news, but I knew you would want to know. The part that is really hard is that we can’t even see him in the hospital, and once he transfers to the nursing home, we still can’t see him or be with him because of the virus. We may be able to do window visits at the nursing home.

Please let me know as soon as you are back in the area. I’m sure you might want to try and visit. His time is running out. Love you.

On June 13, 2020, 1:59am, I wrote:

Oh my God!

Sorry, I just saw this – I hope Grandpa is recovering well. I’m so sorry to hear about his stroke – that must have been so frightening. How is he? Is he back at home yet? How are you doing?

I am so worried for Grandpa. Thanks so much for letting me know. I will be back in July – not sure if I’ll have to do 2 weeks of quarantine or not, but I’ll let you know as soon as I can see you and Grandpa. I just can’t believe it – Grandpa is supposed to be strong forever.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Much love to you both, X.

On June 13, 2020, 2:39am, Ex-mother-in-law wrote:

No he is in nursing home for now. Could be a few weeks. I hate that I can’t go see him. We can do phone calls and visit at his window. You stay safe and let me know the minute you are home.

On June 12, 2020, at 9:59am, I wrote:

Will do! It really sucks that you can’t visit him properly. Hope he’s starting to get better. Take care of yourself, too.

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May 27, Journal

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date September 7, 2020

Tags alcohol, coronavirus, fish and chips, kaikoura, kiwi, new zealand, sex, stan and oliver, tarot, the devil, whisky dick

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May 14 – Day 50, Journal

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date August 25, 2020

People are pressing outwards from the lodge, like cheese through a grater.

We’re saying our goodbyes, each one tender and dear. Tears shone in our eyes when Miriam and I hugged one last time. She’s been my colleague and confidante, and I wish I’d been a better friend. Same with Davina. My dalliances with the Mormon prevented me from putting energy into being a true friend. I’ve been unavailable, detached, and secretly happy to keep some distance between us.

The Christians are trying hard to conceal the joy of their deliverance. They’ve been airing the place out preemptively, keeping their angelic smiles fixed in place as they sweep and hurry us to the door.

Ariel, Judah, and the family conspired to lighten the mood yesterday by playing a little prank on the Christians. They hid Noam, the littlest, in a laundry basket and covered him with a large pile of sheets. When Peter came to pick up the basket, Noam shot out at him like a vicious blond Velociraptor. Sheets flew, Peter shouted, and Noam roared triumphantly over his prey. That did such a good job job of scaring Peter that he hid the the garden for the rest of the day, taking his aggression out by over-pruning some under-prepared Rhododendrons.

This morning, Moshe and I hugged goodbye in the gravel driveway along with everyone else, so our hug wasn’t as delicious as I would have liked. Naturally, I try to inject sex into every hug that I share with every guy who isn’t related to me. Oh, how I love making a public hug secretly sensual! It’s just a little risk-free mind-fuck, just enough to titillate both of us.

It’s a delightful exercise in transferring energy without moving a muscle. The second chakra will spin slowly in a controlled weave: in and out of center in a flower pattern, but the thread is not pulled tight. The weave is very loose and also precisely placed, to keep the energy flowing cleanly within the confines of propriety. Let the feeling of sex rise in your spine, and then release it like a warm flood into the areas of your body where you’re physically connected to your partner. A heave of the breasts on a deep inhale cements the message, but it’s not really necessary. The rush of blood to the lips makes your voice thick and low, so sigh or say a sweet little something.

To draw him into you, the hug’s squeeze comes from the center of the body (i.e.: the energy highway of the sushumna*, which carries the sex-energy generated by the second chakra), not the periphery. So, rather than squeezing in with hands and arms to get closer, press the heart up. The arms linger just a quarter of a second too long… let a voluptuous heaviness add languor to your upper body; peeling away almost reluctantly while the fingers drag across skin.

It does take some finesse to make that action look innocent from an outside perspective: it’s a slow drag and a quick release, like tape unsticking; like you don’t want to get caught. And then the reward: a quick look up through the lashes, and he’s dropping into your gravitational pull; thirsty pupils open wide.

Given a little privacy… well. A hug can be orgasmic for me.

I gave Moshe that public treatment, same as all the other men, but I let my gaze hold his for an extra moment. I thanked him for our time together, and he gave me the same look that he’d been throwing my way since that naked afternoon: fiery and probably significant, but hidden and incomprehensible behind his round glasses. Silly boy. Was there something that he wanted to say to me? Did he ever realize how much sex he could’ve had if he’d just asked? Was once too much?

They all eventually left, shedding into the deepening autumn.

The countdown calendar has been removed from the large notice board in the foyer, along with all of the other adorable reminders of who we were as a group: the ‘mila tova’ box, the list of movies that one really should see, the chore chart, the Shishi night potluck sign-up sheet… All that pattern of black on white; lines of connection, gone. Gone, leaving the neutral brown corkboard behind like freshly-dug earth.

I’ve made my farewells to that secret spot of mine along the impossibly blue river. It is such an idyllic spot to smoke and meditate and masturbate. That small patch of coarse green grass between the rocky riverbed and the wayward willows was my refuge when I just need to be alone. I did a fair amount of disappearing in order to get those refreshing hours that I spent in nobody’s company but my own.

I saw a heavily bearded young man come down to the river for a bath from the campsite yesterday. He wore yellow swimming trunks, and went into the chilly water with no hesitation. When he got about waist deep, he paused and relaxed his hips to face down-stream. I couldn’t see his face where I was, in plain view on the opposite bank of the river, but I could feel his deep pleasure at pouring warm piss into the bubbling current.

The lockdown has flowed past us and through us, rinsing us clean of our old selves. I never thought I’d find such happiness in sharing a home with 21 people. The Coronavirus is so much bigger than those it infects physically. It’s purged us of our certainty, which was always a falsehood. Without that false structure, we’ve been exposed to our quiet insides, and those that care to listen to that vast silence are learning a wild, loving way of interacting with the world.

I knew this time would come: when I stride through the empty and silent hall to the family’s room (Room 4 – I have arrived!), where I’ll smoke by the open window with the heater blasting and sleep like a king on that decadent down pillow. One last night to savor perfect solitude.

* https://www.tripurashakti.com/sushumna-awakening

Tags coronavirus, exodus, goodbye, How to hug a man, lockdown, new zealand, Otago, The Lodge

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April 23 – Day 29, Journal

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date August 7, 2020

Tags Christchurch, coronavirus, David, fear, lockdown, new zealand, suspicion, the Crown Range, tourist, travel, weed, Weed Angel

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April 18 – Day 24, Correspondence

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date July 12, 2020

On April 18, 2020, at 2:48PM, X wrote:

Hi Sister! That last letter was brewing for a while, but i wanted to quickly thank you for the news and the adorable photos of the kids!

It is so cool that you put treasures inside real eggs for them!! They must have had so much fun breaking them open. You’re such a good mama!

I’m in a good spot here, i think – the population is small, and we’re all doing a good job of isolating ourselves, but of course i will take extra precautions. Thanks 💛

I will finish the other letter soon – sorry for being slow. I love you!

On April 15, 2020, at 6:44AM, Sister wrote:

Dear X, I know how humiliating and hurtful it is when Papa does that. He did the same to me around February. I had asked him for some money because we never had a vacation since… well… as long as I can remember.

The children do not know what a beach is. They have seen beaches in pictures and ask if it really exists. They never rode in a plane, train, or even car, or been in a hotel. Well, the car was trashed when the oldest was a baby, so technically, she was in the car but it was so, so long ago that she does not remember it at all. It was by no means a vacation though- it was a doctor’s visit for eczema.

Year after year we are stuck in the same city, because we haven’t the means to do better. So when I explained all this, Papa actually offered $3000 also- which was more than I thought he would give, too. I started getting all excited, making plans… but in the end, he decided not to. His excuse was he always has to ask his wife’s permission for money transfers.

I was totally humiliated too . I asked the same questions you are asking: why offer the money in the first place? does he need attention? No one seemed to understand. But now he is playing the same tricks on you, without even leaning on his wife for an excuse.

I guess it was so long ago for Mama, so when I complained to her, her response was a tad numb. My partner maybe thought it was funny. but I felt and still feel deeply hurt by Papa’s technique.

When a person promises something to you – and backs out, even though he is more than able to help – it is no different than stealing. I felt quite the same as when the random dude stole my camera with my children’s irreplaceable photos.

So from my experience, don’t take any guarantees from Papa. Don’t even expect an inheritance… just protect your heart from getting trampled on.
I’ll answer the rest of your letter when I have time. I had to send this message urgently so you’d have something to brace yourself against. You are not alone! I better run

On April 18, 2020, at 6:19AM, Sister wrote:

Hi X! I finally had a moment to sit down and read more thoroughly your litterature – it is so very true about the parents!

About your roommate: you think the stink might come partially from sugar? I made an amazing discovery: when I cut out sugar ( and white flour and white rice, etc…) my stinky stink mysteriously vanished.. I did not need deodorant or even baking soda.. but if ever I have the urge or obligation for something with sugar or refined carbs, I have to use deodorant.

Well, good luck with that one. maybe you can powder her clothes with baking soda when she’s not looking.. not sure if it will help though.😒

Actually about a month ago I told Papa that I felt he saw me as a child, without responsibilities, like I don’t have a family to take care of. He said it is “not true”. But whatever. You felt it too… so maybe it is not all in my head..

I can’t stand people like Trump who are so sure of their lies that nothing is clear to me at all. They have so much in common. Trump and Papa both married some Asian looking woman. Then Trump’s own face looks like Papa’s wife’s ( how could she and Papa NOT love Trump?) both are narcissistic.

Papa uses money ( whatever power he has) to humiliate people. Trump withdraws funding from the WHO to humiliate them – though what he accused them of doing, was his own crime. Trump writes his own name on the next check to Americans, as if it is from his own pocket, and not the taxpayer’s. And Papa – well, you know. they both crave praise. They are both spiritual on purpose in front of an audience.

I just want to see the end of the matter. I want to know if their lies are a figment of my imagination, or if God saw their acts and words in the depths of my humiliation.

It must be a drag to have winter all over again. I am impressed by the NZ prime minister.. she’s the opposite of Trump. I wish you could enjoy spring there. I bet you would be happy to live there, more than in America, if you could find a foothold away from those overly religious folk.

About the boys… sure, you don’t have to care what people think, and everyone will probably just go away eventually. But still. You do care about what God thinks of you, right?. It might not feel like God is always watching you, but in the end, all of these details will come up.

Did you respect your own body? if you did not like it when people preyed on you just for fun, not sincere love, why would you do it to someone else? Especially in this time.

The apocalypse is nearing. it is not only Covid-19, it is the locust plague in Africa, the severe earthquakes, the tornadoes that are strangely worse than usual – all grouped together in this time. Is it not evidence of God’s wrath on the people? it is time to be so serious now , not a time to play. The angel of death is stalking the streets as I say this.

Even if I got it all wrong and the End is still hundreds of thousands of years away, everything we do and say is being recorded- but enough of my blabbering. I am just concerned for you. I know you are sincere.

Ok ok maybe it is coming through… I have to be strict because my main job is making sure my own children are on the right path.🤓

They might be back to school as early as May 11, but I doubt it. I think they will only open up the less affected areas first. We might not get back til … well… September.

This one of the worst regions for Coronavirus, just right after Paris. Plus, I deeply suspect we already got it … I feel like I’ve had weird symptoms twice already. But nothing too bad, just the same dry cough, diarrhea, which came and went. Scientists are confused too, they think people can get it more than once. I guess I’ll never know.

I am not only a tad scared to see a doctor, but it is so complicated to see a doctor in the first place. You need a special document or a video conference ( too technologically advanced for the likes of me!) .. our symptoms were not too interesting anyway. Maybe it was just too much Matzah. But … matzah and diarrhea?? whatever. maybe my gluten intolerance to matzah.

Have a beautiful weekend, if possible! I hope you are allowed to keep your shabbat freely (?) 😚Love, Sister

On Apr 18, 2020, 9:00 PM, Mama wrote:

My Darling!
I don’t know what to do with your post office problems. It is a problem, I do not have a car, and my partner is going to NY periodically, then he has to stay in quarantine for the next 14 days and then, again! [So, if you want me to go I can do it on May 3 and on]

He just must control his Mother, and she needs it, she is so helpless, her cognitive qualities are going down, she forgets to eat, to take bath…She just never forgets to talk to him every day for hours on a time!

I am afraid for him: he is not the superhero as he thinks he is he is in the “risk” category person, and he is going to the epicenter of disaster in this country.

And what about me? Something is not really right. Nu, ladno, he puts himself on quarantine for 14 days and not visiting me. OK, but I rather have him here sometimes! Also, I would like to have him alive for as long as it is possible!

Also, I know how much you are tired to be a traveler and live with the stink pile in the room! I think, maybe it is an opportunity to ask to move you to another room so she will not jump on you when her craziness will workout again, maybe, it not worth waiting for this episode to happen, huh? it is dangerous to live with some mentally coo-coo head. It is scaring me.

Also, your sister wrote me a letter and said: maybe it is for good that you are there in the safe spot on the Earth, maybe, you should think about somehow settle there for a while, huh? At least to the begging of June? When restrictions here will be lifted a bit?

Also, you are maybe relaxed there, but we are going to the store for groceries [pharmacy] only once in two weeks with masks and gloves on – it is the law now in Maryland, if not – there is a fine. I forgot it is $ 300 or $ 600 now. six feet social distancing, too.

Lapochka Sheli! It is not flu – it is some more dangerous than we thought it is. You are just in the place where the government consists of normal people who took it seriously on time to prevent the disaster.

Here is the situation not like that, really. Some money thirsty fool is on the throne in here! His every next decision for the country is more foolish than the previous, and the one after this is one… you already think – worth can’t be it is impossible – noop! He will top it!

Also, when you come all fresh here be so careful, so diligent about your safety!

Wear your mask, your gloves all the way home! Wash your gloves and ruchki each time you come home and then, face, too. leave the shoes near the door, leave your clothes, too, near the door or wash as I do. I do a shower each time I coming from outside.

Remember 6 feet distance from every enemy on your way! It is plague and dangerous, it does not make anti-bodies! So people got sick and do not know it, ok! Lucky! Then they got sick the second time, it is harder, and than third time – it is even worse!

Do not take chances! No one is invincible! Бережённого – Бог бережёт! God saves the one who saves himself!

Do not “try” God’s patience, it looks to me – this thing has come to the limit with the introduction of COVID-19. Just let us be wise for a while – all our life is in front of us. I do not scare you, I want you to be safe as much as is humanely possible. Turn off the panic, turn on the logic, coolness, and wisdom. That is all.

Whatever you are socializing there now – enjoy it! Here – it is a different reality! We must adjust ourselves to it and prepare ourselves for the alternated life – it will not what you left here in October. Whatever you remember – it is your past.

Just remember: our family went through so many crises – it is not fun to count them. but it gave us the strength to know – we will overcome this one, too. God made his mission – to safe us and He always saves us, doesn’t matter what happens.

He never forgets His promises to our family, to chosen people. [“chosen” people -is such an old saw, and now all those Christians love using it: “Let them sneeze on me! Nothing would happen to me! Jesus blood on me!” TV news] I hate to use it, too. But it is what it is.

I do not think, God had have smeared his blood on me, but I think He gave me the wits to think about how to protect myself from all evilness and evil people’s sneezes! So, I will use His wisdom.

DO not worry, be happy. You would come here and start the new page of your life. Didn’t you wanted to do so from the beginning, huh?! We did it so many times, we will do it again. Enjoy every day you have there, every moment, even, when it looks like someone puts brakes to your wheels – you will see it why when you turn the next corner!

God is always kind, loving, thoughtful, compassionate. Have a wonderful day! And, if those stupids do not see the handsome boy, go ahead and enjoy his company yourself!

Love, love a lot, and some more, Mother

Tags coronavirus, God, judgement, lockdown, parents

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April 6 – Day 12, Journal

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date June 12, 2020

I feel more things than I was taught to comprehend, so the words that I must use to describe my experiences in life are always a pale approximation of the true moment. But truth is important. And truth is stranger than fiction, and naturally more interesting.

I feel more things. I feel people’s moods and emotions when i walk into a room, and sometimes I don’t know if I’m experiencing their emotions or mine.

So, I have to be careful and discerning. When I feel something, I need to step back from that feeling (thank you, yoga) and see if belongs to me. Then, I can decide how to proceed in a given moment.

It’s taken years of being alone to understand what feelings come from me. I’ve found that I’m not that emotional anymore because every feeling is tempered and sweetened by the peace which passeth understanding.

Is it wrong, then, to eavesdrop on other people’s feelings? They don’t know that they’re oozing emotion, and that I soak it up like a sponge. And I can’t really help it. I just become inundated with the energy around me.

That’s why I’m very careful with the people and environment around me. I want to be who I am: healthy, happy, creative and completely unafraid. Somehow, I’m not strong enough to be myself in an overwhelming environment. When I’m stuck with people who are fearful or angry or twisted inside, I start to become like that, too. I can usually tell, now, which energy is mine, and which is a lie.

All of it is an untruth in some way: all of these emotions are smudges on the clear glass through which the divine within us perceives this moment, this life. To see clearly, you’ve got to clean the smudges. But I do see, I have seen, the piercing diamond clarity of God. And it seems like God enjoys the smudges because they’re interesting, because they are all aspects of God.

Being God, is it not my duty to experience the infinite?

Of course I should climb the most dramatic mountains, search out the most idyllic streams, and find the loveliest views of this grand country. Of course, I must spend hours basking in the sun and the Source, existing in the purity of nature – that’s where it’s easy to be God.

It’s less easy and more interesting to be God in a house full of different aspects of God. I am so lucky (SO lucky!!) to be amongst people who are not deeply twisted or angry or fearful. These fellow inmates of mine are kind, honest, and fun! I am endlessly grateful for getting stuck with such lovely people.

It was probably the third evening when Miriam (the mother of the little family) and I were talking over dinner about the dynamics of the group. There are 3 or 4 of the young Israelis who are less enthusiastic about cleaning, and we were considering the balance of effort in our group.

“I can tell that the girls are going to be the problem,” Miriam told me, “They’re difficult.”

She pointed her chin at Natalie, whose delicately authoritative face shone with the light of aloof youth. Did she sit more and work less than the others? Natalie seemed cold to me at first, but I somehow was blessed by affection from her. I say that completely without cynicism – her true smile was a pink rose blooming, and I am so grateful to know her.

The girls were in the minority: 10 to 12, if you count the children. Four available young men, and only 3 available women: me and the 2 super-Christians, Jessica and Christine. So, most of the women have men, and they can afford to slack off because they have their men to cover for them. They’re young; drunk with the power of fresh relationships and expendable incomes. It’s fine. They’ve all been through the army and they know cooperation. I trust these young ones to put in as much effort as I will. After all, I’m the only one taking Shabbat off. Maybe nobody’s noticed – I haven’t been called out yet.

Nobody’s perfect. Most of them are quite young – just trying on adulthood for the first time. They do well! Everyone cooperates with our cleaning duties, more or less. Nobody has a sour attitude… Except my roommate.

Jessica told me that she has some mental health imbalances like anxiety and depression, especially around her time of the month. She’s been friendly so far, and we’ve had some great conversations about hair and religion. I can see that she’s uncomfortable in this situation, though. Sometimes she’ll go inside herself, and i can almost hear the defeating, depressive cycles of thought.

Jessica doesn’t like most of the Israelis because they’re loud and irreverent. I guess i can never tell her that i couldn’t sleep the first night because she was talking so loudly with Christine in the hall until midnight.

She’s so American. Thank God for Christine. They’re great friends; Jessica and Christine, always talking, cooking, sharing, and doing their daily devotions. Jessica needs a friend like that. I think it keeps her balanced.

I went to devotions with them once. Peter and Alma have these hour-long sessions in their home every weekday morning at 9am. On the fourth or fifth day, i joined them, just to see. It was horrifically boring, just like going to church. Peter spoke at length, occasionally looking to Alma for approval. She only called him out once on the history of Babylon, and that’s when i heard the iron in her voice. As sweet as she is, there’s no doubt that she’s in charge.

We looked at Daniel, and his prophecies of Babylon or something. It seemed very important to them to make this ancient hallucination relevant to them and their sober, modern lives. It’s strange that they glorify Daniel’s visions on one hand, while forbidding meditation on the other.

I still do it. Meditate. In that state, I can feel the emotions and energy around me without letting them sink in, maybe because I’m already full with the Divine. I’m getting better, too! I can maintain my Self, even though I’m soaked through with others’ emotions.

And I like these emotions! Happy, sociable, hedonistic, adventurous, rebellious… These are the young, delightful feelings around me; this is the water in which I’m stewing. It’s a lot of testosterone. I love testosterone! It makes me giddy with joy and power. I’ve spent a lot of time with women in my line of work, and i do prefer the energy of men.

Testosterone is life-energy to me. It turns me on, gets me moving, and unleashes that fearless joy that makes life worthwhile. I crave it. I wilt without it. With it, I am complete and powerful.

If only men weren’t such dicks, I could be king of the world!

I can feel the testosterone here – so young and fresh! I’m always a little turned on. I feel alive and open and generous.

That’s probably what attracted the Mormon. A few days ago, I went for my daily walk to clear out the lodge energy and to refresh the peaceful purity of myself. We are so lucky to have these beautiful walks around us, and so lucky that we are allowed to disappear into the wilderness for hours on end with no questions asked.

He was walking his dog, Rex, and for some reason, i got pulled into chatting with him. His English accent is so charming.

We maintained our distance – 6 feet apart at all times.We walked together along the river for an hour, dipping into the woods to follow a dusty trail where rabbits burrowed thickly, like Jews in Florida. The land rose quickly, and we scrabbled up the perforated hills until we found a fine spot to sit and talk.

We spoke about the pandemic, society, revolution, and rabbits. He had a rollie, and told me he’d bring something so that we could smoke together next time. The light slanted through the dense pines and Rex dug a fine hole in the hill upon which we were sitting.

We walked back to his car, and he gave me his number, scrawled on the back of a business card that was already tattooed with the number of a Charlene.

“Never mind that,” he said, “I don’t need that anymore.” He leaned in, then remembered the virus, and then leaned back in, cautiously extending a hand. Hesitantly, I took his hand. And with that little gesture, I popped the bubble that protected our lovely lodge from the deadly Coronavirus.

Tags bubble, coronavirus, Covid-19, emotional well-being, empath, God, lockdown, meditation, Miriam, neighbors, new zealand, Rex, testosterone, The Christians, the Israelis, The Lodge, the Mormon

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March 31 – Day 6, Correspondence

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date May 8, 2020

Emails between Sister and I

Hi Sister! I’m glad you guys are feeling better – I imagine, over the next few weeks, you won’t have to deal with any more bugs since you are all cozy at home. Happy Birthday to your little one!!! Did you have a little party?

I did find a place, with Papa’s help – he has a network of these messianic people around the world somehow. His friend led me to another friend, who owns a backpacker lodge near Wanaka, right in the middle of the south island.

This lodge caters to Israelis – they love Israelis, although they are from south africa and self-described ‘goyim’. They love Israelis so much that they (this couple, Peter and Alma, who are funded by some ministry) offer them 3 free nights of lodging (i mean in the normal world, not just during the lockdown).

Why would they lose so much money on purpose? So that they can minister to them. They trap Israelis and try to gently convert them with pamphlets and twice-weekly prayer nights. I don’t know how to feel about this. They probably feel the same about me. They assumed that i was part of their herd because of Papa, and i tried to pretend for a couple days, but i am far too honest and independent for that silliness to continue.

We are 22. Mostly young Israelis, fresh out of the army, and one Israeli family with 3 kids, aged 7 to 14. My roommate is the other American… Strangely, she’s from Maryland, about 15 minutes away from where i used to live. She is 23, and drank the Koolaid because that’s how she grew up. Jessica is happy about the daily devotions that they do because she wants to grow in Christ.

She’s already been here for a few weeks, long enough that she is best friends with Christine from Austria, the 21yo niece of Peter and Alma that has been living here for months and helps take care of this place. Christine is strong in their faith. She is young, and is frightened of new things, and knows nothing because she’s afraid of evil spirits. Indoctrinated.

Alma is in charge, although you never see her – Peter is the one that communicates with us. Alma is the wizard behind the curtain, and she loves the bible. We had a beautiful shared Shabbat meal last night, and she read from the bible and touted Jesus and played a hymn for us at 8:30pm as we were hungry and waiting for our beautiful food.

Luckily, the father of the Israeli family used to be a chef, and he loves to cook mountains of food! Not always kosher food.

You may laugh, but I am actually the strongest Jew here. These Israeli kids don’t care – they and the family are not at all religious. But they (and i) noticed when we had a strange 5 candles for shabbat. The goyim have no clue what it means to be Jewish, but they are adamant that their God (of Avraham, Itzhak and Jaacov) is the correct one, and that they love Jews.

What will Passover be like? Will I be the one leading it? Hah! Never in my life could I imagine this odd circumstance. Last night, someone asked if we had to participate in the daily chores today, on shabbat. Peter and Alma laughed… Hahaha… You’re not getting away with it that easy, they said.

That felt so wrong. I know I am not the best Jewess, but I love the traditions. It gives me the connection to a tribe that i crave. My beliefs are very personal – they are formed from my direct experience, so I can’t share them with anyone. But you need a community, ancestors, roots.

To put it in yoga terms: the root chakra – this is the part of our being that is about basic survival: food and warmth and community and safety. Without it, your upper 6 chakras cannot function as well.

Maybe you know the feeling of having no roots. I’ve felt it often while travelling, because it’s nearly impossible to root while moving. You feel shaky, ungrounded, like dandelion fluff on the wind, because there’s absolutely nothing or nobody to anchor you in this time and place.

I’ve anchored myself with habits and patterns and these last vestiges of my ancestors. Also with literal rocks. I’m so silly. I spent 3 days at a place called gemstone beach, and 4 days searching for Pounamu, the sacred jade tears that wash down the rivers from the mountain to the sea as the Maori god Poutini mourns the loss of his beloved.

I found some! In a river called Styx. My souvenirs are an opal from Australia, a wee bit of a carved sandstone column in the Angkor Wat, my Pounamu, and a blue topaz ring.

One thing that’s become incredibly important to me since my divorce is Shabbat. I’ve been fired from a few jobs because i won’t work on Shabbat. I’ve lost friends, and i’ve lost countless opportunities to make money. How many hundreds was I unable to apply for because they insist that i work on Shabbat? So many.

I could be such a respectable and wealthy citizen if i would just bend my stiff neck and labor on the Sabbath. People think i’m lazy, maybe, or snobby, but i have fought so so hard to stick to this one conviction.

Just one! Just one day that is for me and God alone. We Jews have fought for this! This shouldn’t be an issue in this modern time. But it’s made me poor and unpopular in the job market.

Why is this so important to me? Maybe because people are exhausting and i need to be away from social interaction for 24 hours a week. Maybe because I need this hellish, relentless world to just leave me alone. Maybe because I deserve one good day out of seven.

I didn’t say anything, but i skipped out on chore time. It’s just half an hour of cleaning -really not bad, and i’m on kitchen duty, which is easy.

We are allowed to go on walks, and the kiwis know how to set up walks. There are four or five trails in our area, most of which go for 6-8km into the surrounding wilderness. The snow-capped, jagged mountains are the dramatic background, but we are in a more gentle area.

There are several crystal clear rivers tumbling over pale grey pebbles. Crystal clear, yet somehow fantastically tinted turquoise. It’s unreal how perfect these little rivers are.

And nobody with megaphones! People are about, walking and biking and keeping their distance because New Zealanders thrive in these conditions. As do I!

Anyway, I went for a long walk on Shabbat and got back an hour after chore time. A few people asked where I’d been, but it seems there weren’t any consequences to my disobedience. I haven’t told anyone about my Sabbath convictions, and I’m afraid to. Should i? Would they understand or just laugh?

Maybe I would be happy to be kicked out of this place. I am so cold. Winter is coming, and they are cheap with the heat. I wear 2 or 3 pants and at least 2 wool sweaters at all times. But the toilets flush and the bed is warm. Mostly because I have my own extra blanket.

The owners (what shall I call them? The bible thumpers) are exactly what we grew up with. Small-minded and absolutely sure that they are right and that everybody should think just like them. They instantly reject anything outside of their bible. (Except working on Shabbat??!)

They don’t make informed decisions, they allow their church to decide what to believe and accept. I think that is mental and spiritual weakness. Laziness, even. Like sheep… Just stupid.

Which is fine, except these people have power. Stupids trying to force others into their mindless ways.

I am extra upset because of the yoga incident. I mentioned that i was a yoga teacher to the mother of the family, Miriam, and she wanted a class! So, i taught a class to 3 people, and it was good.

Before the class, we were talking about it, and Christine heard, and her huge cow eyes widened behind her huge glasses.

Infidels! I could see her panic, and she immediately started talking about how yoga might harm the spirit.

I told her that yoga is what you want it to be, and that i usually teach from a purely physical standpoint (put your hand here, inhale to reach your leg back…). She thinks that yoga is Buddhism, and i did not correct her, because the truth is probably more threatening.

Yoga developed in India alongside Hindu deities, but it is actually it’s own thing. Yoga is a science, not a by-product of a religion.

The tricky thing is that it is a spiritual science. It is instructions on how to access God within you.

I mean, it takes decades to master, and most people don’t have the patience. But yoga doesn’t tell you what to believe, it tells you how to figure it out for yourself.

So, it’s not a pursuit for lazy, stupid sheep that just want to be told what to do. And, extra bonus, just moving your body in a way that opens its channels is physically healing. Pains go away, tensions are released so that habitual motions don’t cause permanent physical damage, and you can find peace. Peace, calmness, equanimity, utter relaxation… It just takes a little intelligent movement, and it’s exactly what we need right now.

Did i say any of this when Alma came to me afterwards and told me i am not allowed to teach ever again?

No. I saw that her mind is closed, and i didn’t want to waste my time and words with her. I complied, with a smile and that sweet equanimity that comes from balancing on one leg for 3 minutes. It’s what Krishna would do. Even, steady, balanced in body, mind, and heart.

Maybe she will see my good example and realize that yoga is helpful. But she never knew me before. She doesn’t know how much damage (caused by her stupid righteous religion) i had to heal.

But what can I do? She has power, and I do not. Alma said that yoga goes against their ministry and that meditation allows evil demons to enter.

Meditation is simply clearing the mind and dwelling in inner peace. Does she imagine that demons are lurking, waiting for a moment of complete silence in the spirit to jump into a person and possess them?

And what would happen then? This demon would smile peacefully and say Namaste? And that would bring fire and brimstone raining down upon us?

Of course, she won’t know because she would never try it. Of course it is a sin to look inside of your own heart. Of course, it is the ultimate blasphemy to see God within you rather than within the pages of a book!

I want to go, but i don’t know if i can. Essential travel only. But, it may be essential to escape from this spiritual prison. Maybe this is my lot in life because it is the lot of all Jews and yogis through time to be spiritually oppressed. Maybe this is a big fat helping of karma to work through.

Can I resolve childhood wounds here? Can I transform this place and these people into a cult of peace and love and open-hearted acceptance? Will I ever be warm again? Should i run away, knowing this beast for what it is?

The time of this stupid lumbering beast is over, though. I went to one devotions study with the bible-thumpers, and that’s what we listened to – Daniel 7, I think, with visions of beasts.

How does Alma think Daniel got these visions? Probably through meditation, and definitely through being open and not suppressing his spirit, no matter how strange or scary.

Ugh. Sorry. Another epic letter. It’s almost 10am, i’d better go… People are going to wake up soon. I usually wake up at 5:30am because that’s what my body does, and i have this entire place to myself for almost 5 hours every day. Not a single soul stirs…not even to use the restroom.

It is kinda great. Their loss – the sunrise is the best part of the day, and it doesn’t even rise until 7:30. It’s ok – it’s normal for children, and the.

Ok. I’ll go. I just have so much to share and nobody to share it with. Maybe I can be friend with Miriam, the mother. I hope all is well with you- I love you! And the whole family!

On Mar 27, 2020, 1:19 AM, Sister wrote:

Dear X, it was so nice to get your email! I took so long to respond, I am sorry! Yesterday I had a surprise. The youngest one found her sister’s paint and decided to paint a paper.. and the floor… and clothes.

Worst part is that I just washed and dried ( by hand, as usual) all her bedsheets for passover. wringing them gets heavy when they are wet. Well, she also enjoyed drawing hearts on her nice, kosher-for-passover bedsheets in the evening. No, I don’t feel guilty for giving her the sheets with ugly paint blotch design. Her scribbles do compliment the blotches . Luckily, it was washable marker, but there is no way I’m going to handwash all those sheets again until i absolutely have to. I thought i would have more time stuck at home, but with the workload, it’s quite the opposite!

I am glad you have a decent place to stay ( though 22 is a big group. you have to share the room?), but so sorry you are stuck with Papa’s overly blind religious acquaintances. And them trampling Shabbat.. that is a bummer.

The reason I quit my job in 2006 was for that: work always scheduled me on Shabbat. it was so insensitive. i did not know it was important to you, too. I feel closer to you when we have this in common.

But the whole world is observing an extended Shabbat, whether they like it or not. It has become quiet outside. Maybe New Zealand already had less pollution, and you can’t really see the difference there.. but every day in Strasbourg, the air is cleaner, the water is even more clear.. animals starting to appear in the bushes…

I hope you are able to have some private space there. During this time, i did not even want to see my nice neighbor. All she wanted was to give me her children’s old stuff before she was moving out!

I try to put the bags on “quarantine” for a week, just in case some coronavirus-balls are stuck there… but children see it, they want to grab and play immediately. So I finally wrote her , ” if you don’t need your daughter’s old boots, leave them outside my door, i will pick them up. my children had a fever and I have a sore throat. “

That was all true, anyway. I am still clueless if we got this or not. but I’m still scared to get it, in case we had just a regular cold. With all these deaths and suffering… i don’t need it NOW.

i needed to die before, when i had no hope. i need at least to finish my current crochet project before i die.

I hope you are OK. I hope Papa’s communication is not bothering you too much. I am so upset with his reflection , sometimes I have to take a distance.

He is not only a follower and defender of Trump, but Papa IS the Trump of our family. All the frustration of the New York governor to Trump, is just like ours to Papa. He was only taking the money from your personal inheritance to be generous (it is not exactly straight from his pocket). It would be nice if he was more honest or clear on this subject.

Are you able to go out for 1 hour per day for exercise, like we can? I have to bring a signed paper saying what I’m doing to avoid a 135€ fine, but police never asked me for that paper yet.
Have a nice day, Love, Sister

On Mar 19, 2020, 8:26 PM, X wrote:

Hi Sister!! Thanks so much for your advice. It’s good to hear the story from your perspective. I guess it’s serious, but I am also pleased about the side-effects. I am so happy that you can open your windows and enjoy the fresh air!

That’s how it should be! There are just too many people everywhere. Crawling all over the entire globe – every corner! Not that I want people to be sick, but imagine how nice and open all the parks are!

That’s the only thing that’s really irritated me on this trip – the hoards of tourists ruining the view. I want to see the grand canyon and the Angkor Wat properly! With peace and quiet. Man… I bet the airports are a dream right now…

That’s what’s nice about New Zealand. It’s empty. Sometimes I drive for an hour without seeing a single person – no cars in either direction, and empty forests all around.

And there are so many stars! There’s only a million people on the south island… after thailand, this place feels deeply good.

However, i’m having trouble finding free wifi so i can make some calls and change my flight. After your email, i will have to stay here. I didn’t know if the parents were overreacting, because you know how the stupid the american media is. Always trying to get people to feel afraid.

Mama is so bad about that. Telling me stories so that i will feel fear. Fear is unpleasant and unhelpful. I think that’s mean and silly for her to try to manipulate my emotions. Fear is simply a lack of faith, I think. And faith is the whole point.

Honestly, there are 2 things that could happen in this situation. Either I get sick or I don’t. If I don’t, I’ve been feeling the misery of fear for nothing. If I do, the fear is also pointless, because I’m already sick.

Everything happens exactly as it will happen. Either you get better or worse. I personally would not mind dying. I have absolutely nothing to live for. Why be afraid when God already has a plan?

I say that, and I still feel anxious that I can’t get through to the airline or the booking website because I can’t get wifi. I have been practicing having faith that everything is already exactly perfect. Because it is.

I’m kinda ready to go home, honestly. Not to the parents!! They drive me crazy. I just want to hang up my clothes, have a reliable source of warmth and water, and just stop running around.

I’m always moving, always lining up the next cold hostel or creepy airbnb. I’ve stayed in 2 hoarders’ sheds so far! For the low low price of $40/night. Worth it? At least i got to sleep alone.

I mean, without humans. The mice woke me at 2:11am, so I will go to bed early tonight. This hostel has mattresses with springs!!! And hot showers! So what if the kitchen is outside – at least these toilets flush!

I miss my home and my routine. What home? Is that exactly perfect, too?

But of course, i have no home. Mama thinks i will live with her when i return, but there is no way noooo way that I can do that. I have enough trouble with neutral roommates. Papa is offering to give me money. Should i take it?

I’ve realized that i’m writing you another long letter which will undoubtedly go badly somehow. I’m a little lonely and i miss conversations, though. And i’m a little depressed and anxious, so please excuse my annoying attitude.

How long are you on lockdown? You are so lucky to have a place to call your own and people to talk with. Where did they put all the bums in your city? Who released the coronavirus?
Stay healthy!
With love, X

On Mar 18, 2020, 12:05 AM, Sister wrote:

Hi Y, Papa and Mama are all saying you are making a decision whether to stay or go to US. I will give you my personal opinion… but it might not be the most economic. I don’t know how you can do it money-wise.

But I suggest you to STAY THERE. I have a hunch that the virus is stuck on the plane seats and airports.
Can I share about our experience here? Mine is the hardest-hit region in France ( lucky me! 😰 )

In France there are not enough places/ equipment in hospitals- and 29 and 30-year-olds need the intensive care units just like the 80 yr olds. In Italy they are forced to let the old people die to leave place for younger who have more chance to survive.

New Zealand has 12 cases, US has upwards of 4,000. Trump was probably already vaccinated before coronavirus was released in china, how else can we explain his complacency? The US health care system is still heavy, but hopefully they will lighten it up for the people.

In the meantime, I think you should stay where you are until it’s safer. But who are you going to run to in America? Your sharp, clever Father and loving stepmother? your mother who always has a gentle word? is there anything you need from them?

That is my advice. Of course you know the best option for yourself. I am not sure if the American or New Zealand Embassy has better ideas, but I think this is the worst time to go to America.

They’re not testing all their cases. They have-and will have- more unless their measures are stricter.
I took the last opportunity to go out with the children this morning.

This afternoon the total lockdown begins: police + army will force people to stay inside except for groceries (135€ fine if it is not respected).

Grocery shopping is already complicated. Opening hours are reduced, and 1 meter distance is controlled. Anyway, I ordered some vitamin D online, i hope it comes… ( i already miss sunshine😵)

Seeing and smelling clean streets is now very convenient for me. We live by a bunch of restaurants and bars. There was always the smell of cigarettes, car pollution, and old, fried oil.

I had to shut all the windows in the evening , because they make a lot of noise, too. Very disruptive noise! Drunk people often yelled and sung in the streets well after midnight.

Now it is so beautiful! the streets are clean! no noise, no strife, no bad smells, no bums! I am so happy with this arrangement, I can finally open the windows.

Apparently it is not allowed to walk directly next to the water. Last time I was there , i heard a police on a megaphone on the other side of the road… apparently that was for us 😳… In Nice and Paris they are using drones. Our city is relatively obedient, I guess, that’s why the old-fashioned megaphone is still sufficient.

Good luck with the lockdown. It is quite nice, isn’t it? We both dislike meeting people anyway. So i love this. the gov’t wants me to be alone.. well… it’s not bad at all. gives us more time to concentrate on creative work. do you have any supplies to pass the time? a ball of yarn? some beads? at least a book?
I picked up work from the school before they closed (apparently everyone is now being home-schooled). So that is how life is now. I hope you’re doing well and will be successful with your decisions.
Toodle-oo!
Love, Sister

On Mar 17, 2020, 3:57 AM Y wrote:

Yeah, it’s kind of great not to do Passover cleaning! I love you for your sharpness! It’s a good balance for my mushy self.

There were 2 cases in Nelson (the town where i’m staying) yesterday – people here are worried too. I can’t run away – there’s nowhere to hide!

So, i’m just going to keep doing what i’ve been doing this whole vacation… Just float down the path of least resistance so that i can be placed where i’m supposed to be. Everyone’s closing their borders. I hope i can figure something out at the airport tomorrow.

I’m so glad you have a stash of masks – I’ve been washing my hands like crazy, especially on this 7 hour bus ride to Christchurch on a full bus.

It’s not surprising that the U.S. is out of control. I agree, Trump is a puppet, and he’s smart like a businessman. He just sounds stupid, and he is definitely not smooth.

Everyone knows that the older generations are too much for the medical system and the financial institutions. They did everything right, and now they want their savings, and it’s probably ruining some rich person’s plan. But who are these rich people? And who gave them that kind of power to decimate the population?

Is this something we’re supposed to fight? Or do we just survive the best we can in their world? Is it even possible to be strong enough to face them, these spectres?

It’s like a good movie. And i think it’s true; that there are powers that are deliberately keeping us in a certain way of life for their benefit.

What have i been saying since 1999? La Revolution!!!

But revolution must be deep.
A complete 180.

If we fight with their weapons, we can never win. There has to be a way: maybe as simple as using love to combat fear.

Well, yeah, the hippies failed at that, but the Man was just coming into his strength in the 60s. Maybe decadence has spoiled him, and now we have a chance? That’s why i don’t think voting works – same system, same politicians… And this is the system that basically runs the entire world.

Every country I’ve visited…they all complain about corrupt politicians and how the guys at the top have everything, and people struggle for success at the bottom. It’s worldwide, this power, this uncomfortable framework around which we’re supposed to build our lives.

But what can we (or anyone) do? We all have to act together massively. Is that possible without them knowing through their surveillance?

Good thing this email is free to fly to you right now. People here are talking about the long-term effects of this pandemic, saying that the world will change after this. I guess we’ll see!

How’s your world? How is the home schooling going? Are people breaking the lockdown? Because they are in Australia, and people here are upset about it.

I have a tourist visa for NZ good for 2 years(!) But i can’t earn money with it. But i will hopefully be able to bend the rules – people are friendly and astoundingly reasonable here.

They look into your eyes when they talk and they don’t fake their feelings. You say: how are you, and they respond exactly like i would: with the exact truth and no fake-o pasty smiles.

They’re tough and honest. I think they would help me out. I did accept money from Papa – he was generous! It’s such a relief to know that i have backup.

Ok, you and the kids stay healthy, please! We’re almost in Christchurch. Thank you for your letter!
Lots of love, Y

Tags 22, Alma, coronavirus, daily life, demons, Messianic Judaism, Otago, parents, roots, Shabbat, sister, south island, The Christians, the Israelis, The Lodge, travel, Trump, walks, yoga

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March 30 – Day 5, Correspondence

Post author By ThousandPetalsProject
Post date May 8, 2020

Emails between Mother and I

Hi Mamaschka! No, I don’t have internet here – I have to pay $5 for 1mb of data, which is not a lot of data for all of the problems I have to solve online.

My post office box has been rejecting mail, so I wonder if I will ever get that check from the government. I tried to call and sat on the phone, wasting my precious data on hold for an hour with no results. And my bank decided to change their system, so now I have to waste an hour trying to figure it out and probably another hour trying to understand how to sign up for Zelle so Papa can send me money. Wow. I guess I am in the mood for complaining! I’m sure things are not so bad.

Ugh. My roommate is so nice and American, but she smells. She has a fire constitution, so it is to be expected, but it is too cold to open the window all the time. And maybe i stink, too – i’ve only taken one shower since i’ve been here. I don’t know how cold it has to be for the heater to work, maybe 55 or 60 degrees? But i can’t change the temperature, so i am snuggled into my nice warm bed now. I have 3 blankets, so i sleep well.

I share my room with Jessica, the only other American, there is one Austrian girl, the owners (Peter and Alma) are from South Africa (but they are white), and everyone else is Israeli. There are 22 of us.

Why so many Israelis? Ah! Because this lodge offers 3 free nights of accommodation to Israelis (in normal life…in this lockdown, i think it is free for everyone for the month? Nobody has mentioned money at all. Except the showers cost $2 and the wifi is $5 and laundry is $2).

Anyway, you might ask – why are they so generous to Israelis? Ah ha! So they can preach to them about Jesus!!

Surprise! This place is run by some ministry that loves Israel and Jesus and wants them to be together forever for the glory of their God (of Avraham, Yitzhak ve Jaacov).

Well, you remember congregation – they are the same type of people. Very nice, and very small-minded. Everything goes according to the bible. Except Shabbat. They still want us to do chores on Shabbat.

I am not ok with that, so I skipped it yesterday. We are allowed to take walks around this beautiful countryside, so i took an extra long one and came back an hour after chore-time. I haven’t gotten in trouble for it, so i haven’t had to fight for my Saturday yet. Maybe it will happen next week. I’ve been fired a couple of times because i didn’t want to work on Shabbat, so I’m not afraid of it happening again. There is a camper van up in the northern part of the island that i can rent for $200 a week if i need it.

They have forbidden me from teaching yoga. I was asked to teach (I didn’t advertise!), and the Austrian girl, (Christine) who is very Christian and young and brainwashed, got scared.

She talked to me and another girl about it, and thought that maybe evil influences could sneak in while the door was open. I didn’t really understand what she meant by that – i guess if you do anything that is outside of the bible, you are susceptible to evil influences? Well, it’s a good thing that murder and war and rape are already in the bible! We wouldn’t want too much evil sneaking in!

Anyway, Christine tattled to the owners, and about an hour after my class, Alma told me that i wasn’t allowed to teach. It’s not in line with their mission. And, if you meditate, demons will surely enter you. That’s what she said! It sounds like something a child would say.

Of course, she is so small-minded that she would never try it for herself, and see that maybe it’s nice to be calm and have less pain. And maybe there are no demons. Are there even demons in the bible? I don’t remember any stories with demons, but then again, i am an infidel myself. An infidel who believes very strongly in keeping Shabbat.

None of the Israelis are religious, so i may be the only one that keeps Passover here. It is so ironic! Me, the religious one? One girl, Davina, asked me to do a guided meditation today, so we snuck off the property to meditate. It was lovely! And we didn’t get caught, so maybe we can do it regularly.

There are some very cool people here – Davina works in wildlife conservation, and her boyfriend, Nathan, spends his free time carving wooden spoons. There is an Israeli family with 3 kids, ages 7 – 13… the Dad is an ex-chef and the Mom is a therapist.

My roommate works with disabled kids, and i think there might be hope for her. She is strong in their faith, but she has a nose ring and a tattoo and we talked about astrology, so she is more open-minded. I’m sure i’ll get to know the others better – they’re all so young!

Well, I am fine. This is a good place in general. Maybe I’m supposed to work through some karma here.

I wish I was alone. I wish I was back in the United States. I should have tried harder to return.

This is a magnificently beautiful place. There are huge, dramatic mountains and a river that is crystal clear and tinted turquoise – impossibly beautiful! We can go on walks, and there are 5 trails in the area.

I guess I have everything i need. I just can’t stand being locked down with 22 people.

How are you? Are you bored yet? I hope you’re doing well!

Much love, X

On Fri, Mar 27, 2020, 6:29 PM Mama wrote:

How do you do? How are things shaping up, going on? I am so glad you are there and not here. It is a disaster here and they say it is just the beginning of it. The census job I was talking about: the census is post- pointed to September. People losing jobs by millions every day.

Just hope, they will send you the stimulus check or put it on your account as they do to every American citizen. It is $ 1200, not bad. You was a good citizen – you have filed your taxes on time. Unlike me, today, in order that they would have my right address.

I am so glad you are there! One dude on the internet said: according to the Chinese philosophy there are meridians in general. the 40th meridian is called meridian of death: it goes through the Wohon, China, Itali, New York, Washington, DC, LA, CA… I do not sure how much I should believe him, but it made me glad that you are not here mingling with the stupid crowd here.

And I hope you are not mingling with the stupid crowd there! You have stopped to relate to me. Maybe you doing something you do not want me to know?! Or, you are in such a hell that you do not have any internet connection? I hope you are staying warm and cozy, healthy and safe. Let me know how do you do, if you can.

love, Mother

Tags 22, complaints, coronavirus, forbidden, lockdown, Messianic Judaism, mother, Otago, Shabbat, The Christians, the Israelis, yoga

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March 24, Correspondence

Emails between Mother and I

Thanks, Mama! I got my rental car, and I’m feeling more optimistic. They gave me a free upgrade to an SUV, so i have plenty of space if i need it. Actually, Papa found a person from his church who lives here, and she knows a guy who has a lodge in the center of the island. So, hopefully, he can take me in – it seems like a good place. I’m waiting to hear back.

I hope you’re ok! How is the lockdown going for you? I guess it’s not a bad thing to be stuck inside. We can be so productive! I hope I do make progress in some project or another. Ok, I should go and get toothpaste while I still can. I love you!

On Tue, Mar 24, 2020, 11:14 AM Mama wrote:

My Dearest X! I love you so much! OK! I am here in a warm apartment and you are stuck there -it is easy for me to take this tone and tell you what to do, but, nu, think! You can do better than the hostel! It is no way to come back to Australia? At least it is someone you know there and it is not so cold?

If not – Can you go to the hotel and not hostel? Father is sending you money, right? Stop mingle with this crowd! Shake yourself, respect yourself, push yourself to find the hotel for the $ 41+$ 50+ at night and stay in place there. Even $ 79 at night – praise God! If Father is stingy it does not mean he doesn’t have money: press and it will be given into you!

It is your money – it is your heritage! Yes, I couldn’t understand when this horoscope lady talks something about it: some money for you as a heritage coming your way, but now I see it clearly, but you must negotiate it, now I see it, she is right! what you gonna do now? sit in a comfortable hotel room and write your life story in the book! Good luck!

love,Mother

On Tuesday, Mar 24, 2020, 12:46 PM, Papa wrote:

Dearest X, I am glad that you are witnessing the Lord’s timing and His ways. It is truly a faith experience that you will treasure.

I had no idea about how fast the lockdown was happening. I also had no idea that Tracy was a key person to orchestrate this. All I had was “gut feeling” and a couple friends in NZ. So I must give God the glory!

Jeffery, the fiduciary that works with me, just gave orders to free up some money from my investments. It will show as “pending” deposit in my checking account, I think, tomorrow. As soon as it goes from “pending” to verified deposit, that’s when I can transfer it to your account. I plan to do a bank to bank transfer online. Your bank will then process the transfer. It may happen within this week. If you have banking online you will be able to verify it later on, whenever the process is complete.

Love, Papa

On Monday, March 23, 2020, 04:16:34 PM EDT, X wrote:

Well, dear Mother, i’m stuck here, i guess. I booked a flight for 4/28 through NZ air. I’m not sure it was a good decision to stay here – all of NZ is on lockdown for 4 weeks, starting tomorrow. I can’t find a good place to stay, and it’s getting cold. I have a blanket, and i bought some warm underwear yesterday, but what will i do for the next 4 weeks? I can’t buy more blankets if one isn’t enough. And it won’t be if i have to sleep in a rental car.

That’s the only solid plan i have right now – rent a car for the rest of my time here, since there will be no public transportation. Airbnb has shut down. The hostels will be crawling with tourists (so many people! There were about 30 people in the massive kitchen at this hostel last night…everywhere! And so close! And never washing their dishes! What are their hands like?)

I wrote to the yoga retreat where i stayed in February – maybe they will take me in? Papa has a friend from his church here, and i emailed her this morning, asking for help or advice or anything. I have 45 minutes left at this hostel where i have free wifi. After that, no internet. No bed, no kitchen. I don’t know what to do. 4 weeks is a long time.

On Mon, Mar 23, 2020, 8:44 AM Mama wrote:

Oh!! If you can – STay behind in NEW ZEALAND! I think it is SO MUCH SAFER FOR YOU THAN COME HERE TO THE NOT PREPARED STUPID COUNTRY!

On Sunday, March 22, 2020, 11:31:55 AM EDT, X wrote:

I think the flight just got cancelled. But i will still go to the airport since i’m here. And papa is great – he’s sending me money actually.

Tags coronavirus, father, lockdown, money, mother, savior, stranded, The Lodge