Tag: Covid-19

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July 29, 2020, Journal

Unending ribbons of rain prevented me from taking my regular morning excursion, which ostensibly involves a benign mixture of yoga, tourism, and tramping through the West Coast’s forests. It’s far too damp to pretend that being outside is synonymous with ‘vacation’.

Today, the Regent’s company will have to serve as my daily distraction from the pain of being unlovable and barren. He’s so alive; so eager to talk about anything. Was it just the four months of Covid-19 isolation that we’d all endured, or was it a longer loneliness that had been begging for dissolution? His expressiveness reminds me of the few times in my childhood when I’d taken a precious school friend up to my room, my sacred space, and shown her all the treasures that I’d collected in my handful of years: shells and dolls, plastic horses and dream castles, books and bones and a long, shimmering snakeskin. Those rare friends slithered out of my life consistently, but I do remember how joyous that initial intimacy was.

Show-and-tell to a loving and genuinely interested audience is a childhood fantasy come true. The Regent deserves that. Why not? He loves to talk, like all men do, but our relationship is something special. He’s read my blog, and he knows who I am… at least to some extent, at least between March 23 and April 22 of this year.1

This blog is written in my honest voice. I really like it, and I want to share it, but I reckon everyone feels the same way about their voice. My voice is usually drowned out by the voices of other, more important people, and I always end up hating those relationships. Sharing my words with the Regent so early on might not have been the wisest idea, given the content herein, but it’s put me in a unique position of power. I’ve been heard on my terms. Is this the first time that a person has voluntarily taken the time to listen to me?

Of course, you talk to men on dates, but they don’t listen. They just stare at your flesh and think of their next brilliant quip. If you do manage to capture their interest with words, they’ll twist that connection into a competition and tell you how they’ve done it better or more dramatically. I always end up wasting my night, staring at them in forced adoration as they orate ad infinitum. Every time, I pray that we can stop this dick parade and maybe discuss something like two human beings. They never notice my kindness and respect in letting them drone on, and they absolutely never allow me to drone on. If I go on for more than five or six consecutive sentences, they stopper my lips with a kiss and move right on to sex.

Funny. If you replace the sex and kisses with yelling and whippings, they’d be exactly like my parents. Funny, funny patterns.

This is different, though. The Regent already knows me. My parents have never read my words. None of my exes have, either, except the Quaker, back in 2018. The thing is, I’m not sure that I want them to see my strength. They love me for my softness.

My words are my weapon. Divorce taught me that. I destroyed my ex-husband with my words, as much as one can destroy a vampire. He conquered me physically so many times, but I used my exquisite, sharp words to claw away at his deformed heart until it finally bled tears in recompense for the pain that he’d caused me. They were all so surprised that I’d hurt him. They thought I was prey, too.

It would be lovely and marketable if the sword of truth that my writing wields was a handy kitchen tool that I could use to slice off a piece of New Zealand to share with the world. But it is a weapon. Slicing away the Veil, sentence after sentence; a sword destroys boundaries. Humans love to peer within the hidden architecture of our character to find the juicy flow of life, a reminder of their own vitality. It’s the same old story: following the Universe’s injunction to look, perceive, know… to penetrate darkness with light. Then we can fulfill the only desire of the Universe: to lovingly see Itself in all Its naked glory.

Finally, that primal hunger to be truly seen and known is being sated. In my fantasies, that is love. I’m often wrong about such things.

The Regent hasn’t mentioned my writing, but it seems to have created a shortcut to our friendship. He sees me as a person without him ever having to listen to me speak. I feel heard, and he feels secure. I also feel exposed, as I cannot forget that these words expose my vulnerable vital organs to the world. He seems enchanted by my boldness. Is it a fox’s fixation on a mouse?

These rainy days have been ideal for working on my blog. Like everything I do, it takes forever because I like things just so. The tricky part is presentation. It’s always got to be fresh… new words to say the same things, covering up the obvious: that it’s all just a pile of zeros and ones; shaken, stirred, and served fresh daily!

This sort of mental and emotional challenge requires all of my attention. Sitting on the Regent’s guest couch, I fall into the memory of those lockdown days at the Lodge as though I’m falling into a hypnotic state and diligently tap my story into my cell phone. Sometimes I’ll sit there for two or more hours, and I often feel the Regent considering me from a distance. I’m spending as much time typing as I am hitting that tiny delete button with my fat, almost-40-year-old fingers. I need a proper keyboard.

It occurred to me that I might be able to buy a used laptop online if I could use the Regent’s address as a destination, so I asked him for permission yesterday. I love watching him be generous. Pride sits well on a Maori. That lifted barrel chest displays his culture just as obviously as the Regent’s full lips and well-creased eyes.

This morning, the Regent was eager to show me his Virtual Reality toys. In his casual Kiwi way, he waved at the small stack of VR units still in their boxes under his TV.

“I got a great deal on these,” he explained, “I want to set up a gaming room in downtown Westport.”

“Really?” This was the first time he’d mentioned any sort of career or community involvement. “What a cool idea! We need more social spaces, and I bet you’d get tons of business.”

“Nah, yeah, I’ve got a connection, and I can get a good space for cheap. It’ll just be a bunch of VR stations where you can rent these by the hour, and just play and chill.”

The way he said ‘chill’ made me giggle.

“Chell.” I mimicked his accent as well as I could, trying to curl the outer edges of my lower lip down and in so I could achieve the same delicate conch-shell shape. “Where’s the ‘i’? I think you mixed it up with your ‘iggs’ for breakfast.”

“Eegs!” the Regent insisted with mock outrage. “They’re eegs. Always been eegs. How do you say it?”

“Eggs… it’s almost an ‘a’ sound, actually.” I laughed at my American assumptions. “I guess it makes more sense your way. You say the ‘e’ sound and then a ‘g’… what else does a person need from two letters? It’s perfect.”

“Yeah, sweet as.”

“Another one!” I pointed to a Kiwiana poster at the far end of the living room that was simply a collection of Kiwi sayings and slang2 in a variety of jazzy fonts. “There, on the left: sweet as! You really do say all of the stereotypical words! I love it. And I especially love that it’s completely unironic. You’re a perfect tour guide.”

“I’m Kiwi as.” the Regent’s puffy chest rose as he laughed. “Here’s one that’s not on that poster: jafa. Have you ever heard that one?”

“Jaffa? A city in Israel? No… Sounds like something I’ve eaten before, though… Isn’t it a sort of chocolate-orange cookie?”

“No,” the Regent smiled wide and enlightened me. “Jafa, with one ‘f’. It stands for ‘Just Another Fucking Aucklander.’”

“Ahh! Awesome! Is there some sort of rivalry between the big-town snobs and the rural salt of the earth? Are Aucklanders really terrible or something?” It felt like getting the goss from the girls at work after a few days off – my ears were tingling to know about the juicy local social alliances.

“Auckland is just full of these assholes who think they’re king shit, with their huge cars and their fancy clothes. If they could, they’d buy up all the land and make wineries. The rest of New Zealand can’t be bothered with them.” The Regent shrugged. “You’ll see, if you ever get there.”

“Pff.” My disdain was obvious. “Doubt it. Sounds like Americans. Sounds like exactly the type of person that would destroy a continent for financial gain. Sounds like what I’m running from. It makes me so happy that there is a derogatory word specifically for city folk like that.”

“They’re basically wanna-be Australians. And Australians are wanna-be Americans. Out here on the South Island is where you get the real New Zealand.”

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be a citizen here?” I was serious for a moment. “This country is so real, and pure, and people are actually reasonable! I mean, they actually have common sense and they use it! You have no idea how rare this is in the States. I hate it there, and I don’t want to go back.” I heard my petulance, and I rushed to justify my discontent. “Americans are scared, stupid, and angry. I mean, you know. You’ve watched TV.”

“Yeah. The whole world knows what Americans are like.” the Regent’s chin wobbled in unambiguous assent. “Why don’t you stay here?”

“Can I?” I shrugged away his answer. “Everything’s still so strange with Covid. Do I belong here? Can I afford it? Maybe once we get to Level 2, I can look for a job.”

“Well, while we’re still stuck at home, do you want to try the VR?” The Regent really is good company. I must remember to compliment his excellent hosting skills when I write my review for AirBnB.

“A hundred percent.”

“Here, start with this.” He flipped through the options that popped up on his TV and rested on an Aquarium Immersion. “It’s just a small interactive world where you can try out the controls and see what it’s all about.”

A heavy set of goggles was strapped to my head, and the Regent pressed little control sticks into each of my hands. Darkness cleared, and the goggles showed me that I was underwater, facing a digital reef that swayed to a digital current. The sticks allowed me to navigate, as though I was propelling a little metal cage that defined the inside edges of this virtual aquarium. Fish swam past, traversing the field of my goggles with long, elegant strokes while anemones pulsed beneath me.

Visually, it truly seemed immersive; in a false, cartoonish way. VR could feasibly be quite entertaining. During my ten-minute session, I was extremely aware of two simultaneous realities: moving the hand controls and goggles to accurately interact with a world which only I can see, and how insane I looked as I did so. The cognitive dissonance was too much for me to bear, so I gently removed the lie from my head. It felt like quitting a job. I returned the VR set to the Regent with much gratitude for this new technological experience.

“It really feels like you’re surrounded by water! Amazing!” I used the moment to add some encouragement around his idea of opening a gaming room. He’s clearly lonely here in Westport.

“I’ve got stacks of these in the garage,” the Regent boasted. “I knew VR was going to hit big, so I wanted to get ahead of the game. Once Covid dies down, I can get the business into gear.”

“Once Covid dies down… How many times are we going to say that over the next few months?”

“It just won’t go away. And people are acting like eegs, making it worse. Did you hear about the idiots that escaped from quarantine last week?”

“What?! No, what happened?”

“They just had to get out of isolation,” he shrugged, “I guess they flew in from Australia and were under quarantine. It was a handful of people that just fucking jumped the fence and made a break for it. It was up north. They’ve been at Level 4 lockdown basically since this whole thing started: shelter in place, that sort of thing. We’re lucky to be at Level 3 and to be able to travel between towns. They’re going nuts with all the restrictions up there.”

“I got the impression that Kiwis were happy to follow the rules, or at least the Covid rules that impact public health.”

“Down here, yeah. We kind of go along to get along on the South Island.”

“There aren’t many people here. I guess that helps you respect and appreciate boundaries?”

The Regent pursed his curvy lips. “Yeah, and a lot of the farmers are used to being isolated and chained to their farms. They’re very conservative here in the South, especially when you get down towards Invercargill. Strangers bring change, and they don’t like either of those things. Lockdown was just fine by them.”

“And that’s not the case in Auckland?”

“Mostly, yeah, Kiwis will follow the restrictions. We’re all about family, whanau3, and we want to protect each other. Whanau isn’t just your immediate family, it’s your cousins and their cousins and anyone that we want to include in our circle. But we definitely have our share of radicals. That’s where Greenpeace was created, and those hippies are serious.” The Regent was flipping through his phone to find evidence for his assertions. A rather dry timeline of New Zealand’s Covid events appeared.

“See, here,” he scrolled, then paused. “24 July… five people abscond from a managed isolation facility, making a total of eight who have done so.”4

“Abscond!” I laughed heartily. “I love it here! They make it sound like Scooby-Doo and his gang are in trouble! Do they seriously need to keep Auckland under quarantine for so long? I know we’ve had new cases, but there’s been basically almost no deaths, and absolutely none since May 28th.”

“We’ve had 22 die.” The Regent’s pride was also a remembrance. “The first one was right here in Westport.”

“I’m so sorry. I forgot about that.”

“No, compared to the death toll in America, it is almost nothing.”

“America could use a culling.”

“America could use whanau.”

1 thousandpetalsproject.com/april-22-day-28-journal/

2 https://www.shopnz.com/blogs/nz-travel-and-culture/nz-slang-words-and-what-they-mean-to-us

3 https://www.janeshearer.com/a-meaning-of-whanau

4 https://www.nzdoctor.co.nz/timeline-coronavirus

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July 23, 2020, Correspondence

Texts between the Moshe and I

On July 23, at 4:05pm, Moshe wrote:

Hi X, I passed Takaka yesterday but my phone had no battery and I moved on to the west coast :/
Enjoy your trip, maybe we’ll meet again in the future!

4:22pm – Hi Moshe! That’s cool, Takaka was a little weird for me somehow. I’m actually heading to an AirBnB in Westport tonight. I’ll be there for a week, so let me know if you’re in the area and want to hang out.

5:23pm – Seriously? I’m currently in a free campground in Westport and heading south tomorrow so we should meet tonight. If that’s cool with you if I can take a shower in your Airbnb that would be awesome!

6:09pm – Cool! I just got on the road, so i won’t be there until about 8:30, but i will text the guy and ask

6:22 – Sorry he says it’ll be too late at night. He says there’s a public pool with a shower – Pulse?

6:26pm – Ok thanks!

Emails between Dad and I

On July 22, 2020, at 5:18am, I wrote:

Hi Papa! I was staying up in Takaka yesterday, in the Golden Bay area, and there was a cute little lake a few blocks away from the hostel called Lake Killarney! So, of course i thought of you!

How are you? It’s been a while since i heard from you, and i hope that you and your wife are enjoying the summer! How is everything in MD? Are you able to go out and get some sun, or is it all under lockdown still? I hope you’ve both been happy and healthy! Have you been able to go to services?

I think I’ll stay here in NZ for another few weeks… Again! Seems like every time i think about scheduling a flight home, Covid gets worse over there, or there’s some sort of chaos. I don’t know, i worry about you guys! I’m doing well – i found a nice cheap place to stay in Westport for the next 5 days, so i’ll have a relaxing weekend, maybe spending time on the (cold and windy) beach or hunting for jade. I love you and i miss you both, X.

On July 22, 2020, at 6:28pm, Dad wrote:

Hi X,

Thanks for the Killarney Lake photo, and the news included.

I just sent you $75. Let me know if you need more.

Today and yesterday we had tremendous thunderstorms. Before that we had a week and a half of humid heat wave.
Did you receive my email and text msg from, I think, Friday? Before then, we didn’t have any communication between June 27 and now.

I am so glad to hear from you, and to know that you are okay.

On July 23, 2020, at 2:31pm, I wrote:

I’m so happy to hear from you! It’s great that those storms cleared the humidity out of the air, but it sounds like they gave you a show! I hope there weren’t any downed trees or floods.

I didn’t get either your text or email last week, sorry. My phone number is a NZ number now, so the old 240 number won’t work for texts, but i don’t know why i didn’t get your email. I can send you the new number if you like?

I just wanted to check in and make sure that you two are still happy and healthy! I know it can’t be easy under all these restrictions. I hope that you’re able to go out a little!

Thanks, i did get the $75, and it is appreciated. I’m still in my holding pattern – wandering through NZ, staying at hostels and checking the news from home often. The news is a little worrisome! Stay safe!

I love you tons! X

On July 23, 2020, at 1:25am, Dad wrote:

Hi X,

We are both healthy. My wife saw the dermatologist surgeon, and he spliced and stitched up her lower right ear lobe. She hasn’t worn an earring for years. She should be able to wear earrings in 3 months. The stitches get removed in 2 weeks.
In the last email, I didn’t say anything about the situation here.

It’s about the same as before – public buildings require mask, interaction with service requires mask, wash hands after shopping or office visits, restaurants open with spacing, churches open with spacing & also have zoom meetings.
Airplanes with mask. Hotels you must ask / and if open- reserve.

Some states (democrat influence maybe) are trying to push tests on as many as they can everywhere. I have been without any symptom. All the doctor visits (about 8 of them) and the Ben Weiser the dentist are satisfied to just take our temperature and question us at the entry. But this one gum-surgeon dentist insists that all his patients get an official test and in addition self-quarantine for a week regardless. I decided to postpone only this gum-surgeon, as I am not in pain and don’t feel decay where one of my crowns are off. It smells of politics to me, just sayin’.

Anyway, I am not on “lockdown” or as some call it “self-quarantine”. I go out to the grocery store once a week, pick up at the pharmacy once a week, take walks in a park twice a week (everyday around the apartments outdoors), visit a doctor every other week – you get the idea. I won’t hire someone to goof it up for me. I’m somewhat of a caretaker and I absolutely need my freedom of movement. Sorry for the “rant”.

I am not sure if the $75 will do much good. I had to pay a high income tax for the year 2019, because it was such a good year for stocks. It doesn’t matter that 2020 was a lousy year basically at the start of covid (job losses, stores closing giving me a 15% loss in investments), but my fiduciaries are doing a good job. The value is on its way back, maybe catching up by September to what I had in February, as each week in April-July there was a 1.5% gain in my investments.
Hold your head up high, daughter! We shall get through this.

Love,
Papa

Emails between Mother and I

On July 22, 2020, at 4:54am, Mother wrote:

Good morning, my Darling X!

I hope you have money for the internet, huh? I got this dream: we are with my schoolmate filling up the lottery tickets and I say: I will take this, you take that. Guess what! I won $12 and she won $110 000! My boyfriend tells me: why you gave her your numbers? I say: she needs the house, I do not need a house, I have one! Yes, it is a section 8, but it is luxury apartment building!

It reminds me that that they were talking about Leo can win the lottery in this new moon on July 20-23! X, if you can spare a dollar or two buy a ticket, try your luck, you need the extra money so much! Good luck, my darling baby!

I talked to my boyfriend, and he said: I hope she would ask for help before she is in the situation when she doesn’t have money for the internet after it is already not a situation – it will be a disaster! Please, be kind to yourself.

I tried to call your father on e-mail, he has not answered about three days. He usually answers in two hours. I hope he is alright. Can I send just a check to you personally if your account is not working? I put aside [how it is helping now?!] $1250 for you, so, after all the penalties you will have at least $1000 on your hands. Maybe, we can send you in the form of travelers check, huh? Maybe, it is the best way to deal with it, just you must have the address where you be receiving it. Nu, how to do it? Don’t be quiet, help me, X!

But your horoscopes are so good, all of them say. From your side, you are tired of them saying it and the situation is the same. What can I say?! Just don’t lose the hope, without the hope it is hard to push the tractor up to the hill.  Love my precious baby, love a lot and some more, 

Have a wonderful sunny day,

Love, Mother

On July 22, 2020, at 6:22am, Mother wrote again:

The last one I listened to about your horoscope, she said: you are worried about the documents because you do not know what is going on there. It will be untangled at the end of July so you will be able to breathe freely.

And everything about your papers, immigration “status”, or any other “status” will be clearer at the end of July and the beginning of August until August 6. The heavy Saturn [of hard labor and the discipline] is coming out on July 20 but good planets are coming in. Whatever you do for yourself in this period until August 6, will bring the fruition in November, December. The keyword: do! So many good things she spoke about [not only she, about three other people] about the good things which would happen in your life from now on. I am even afraid to mention. Yes! I am mention or not, they will happen anyway as it was in the case of your Sister! What I can do?! Things happen because they are written in the stars not because I want them to happen or not!

Good luck with everything. Yes, it tells: you will radically change your career [I do not know how, when Kiwis are not very kind on opening their doors to the new immigrants! but it is not up to my little brain to grasp].

It said: you all of sudden realized that you came to the end of your previous career, you know about it all that you wanted to know, and now it is boring for you. You feel you need the next level. Something you hold in the secret for a while – it would be public- and it will give you a new success [in society], new life, new direction. You will be popular to have a lot of new friends and admirers. Find ones who have a substance,  can actually help you with your “papers”, who is kind to you, understanding you and not using the situation against you. And all other real [not fake] good things. You will see it, I better do not talk about it now. Be safe, healthy, happy as it is possible when you are in the foreign land. 

Love my baby so much, and some more, Mother.

And still, I think it is a miracle that God holds you there, in the land far away from all the disaster Trump brought upon this land. At least, you are physically safe from covid19, do not have to walk around in a mask. I hate it so much! But I have not a choice – I do not want to go to the hospital or on a ventilator, so I am wearing it at public places, which are starting the moment I leave my apartment, just in the hallway!

The last week they opened the pool, but I wasn’t there yet: you must get a ticket for a day, each day a new ticket, no guests allowed to be in the pool. The ticket is for just two hours, no more than 20 people at once. 20 people! It is like soup there would be!

If I am going out, to groceries or post office, or CVS, I am taking the shower after to wash the germs out of my body and face. Try my best to not get it, it is a spook again here, but it looks worse that it was at the beginning, even in Maryland. But it is safe here. At least, I asked in the lobby, they didn’t have any cases in the building.

X, help me to send this money to you at least for your birthday! Also, I thought, you are self-conscious about it, but how much I owe you, huh?! You did me favors good as no one else would do, and I still didn’t pay to you for them, for cleaning up, for moving me here!!!! Think about it! You earned it! It is yours! 

Love my baby. Love her a lot. Mother

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July 13, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

On July 13, at 11:44am, the Mormon wrote:

got there ok? How are you getting on?

3:57pm – Hi! Yeah, all good, thanks.
I had the chance to visit with one of my lockdown friends!
It was so good to see her again!
But she says there are no jobs around here.
Think I might head north tomorrow.
How are you?

Texts between Drew the Drug Dealer and I

On July 13, at 7:04pm, I wrote:

Hi Drew! We met maybe a month ago and the Mormon gave me your number.
I’m traveling up your way again, and I was wondering if you could hook me up?
If not, no worries – I know this is kinda out of nowhere.

7:06 – Give me a holla when you’re in town and I’ll see what I can do

7:06 – Sweet! thanks

Sunset near Lake Tekapo

Emails between Sister and I

On July 1, 2020, at 7:35am, Sister wrote:

Hi Sister? Did you feel the earthquake in NZ? Are you still there? 
The European Union banned travelers coming from USA. Travelers from New Zealand are allowed.

Anyway I hope you are ok

On July 9, 2020, at 4:09pm, I wrote:

Hi Sister! I hope the kids have a wonderful vacation, even though things are still upside down. They look happy! 

I still don’t have a good plan. I would love to visit – thank you so much for that joyous possibility! But I checked out the travel restrictions, and they say only EU citizens are allowed to travel to France right now. I saw that they would accept more people (just health workers and students though?) after July 10, including New Zealand citizens – would I count? I wrote an email to French Foreign Affairs, and we shall see what they say! I would probably need to do 2 weeks of quarantine anyway.

The Mormon is gone, finally. He was lazy and a nudnik, and I’m pretty sure that all the good guys are taken. There’s no good reason to be here. Sorry, I wish I had some news. I didn’t even feel the earthquake! Mama is pushing me to stay here. I’ve been able to delay my taxes and yearly eye exam, so I might as well stay for another few weeks. But I truly have no idea what I’m doing here. I’ll be headed out of the Otago area (where the Mormon lives) towards Christchurch again this weekend. The Mormon was right – this place will suck you in. I think some locations are like that – our hometown, too. It’s often seemed like a black hole to me. We both escaped!!

Anyway, this hotel is nice, and i’ve been able to heal a lot in the past week or so. My back and right hip and ankle are bothering me from driving or from the cold – I am so old! Mama was right – arthritis is no good! But they have a good bed and hot showers here. I’m enjoying healthy food and a good sleep schedule and I feel better than I’ve felt in weeks. Can I blame the Mormon? Probably not.

How does the summer feel? Are people relaxing finally? I guess if hotels are closed, there are still no tourists? I finally got a haircut last week and it feels so good! I got rid of 4 or 5 inches of dead stuff. And a few days later, one Mormon. 

I miss him a little. But this short and ungraceful relationship is giving me a lot to write about, so I’m so grateful for all of my experiences here. So, my days are writing and yoga and cooking now, hopefully to be repeated in several choice locations around this sweet island for a little longer!

I’ll let you know when I get a response from the French Foreign Affairs office. I’ll be going to the American Embassy in Christchurch on Monday to try and figure out a plan of sorts. I hope all is well. Sometimes I imagine that, by the time I leave NZ, the whole world will have already gotten the coronavirus, and I’ll have to contract it anyway just to be a part of society once I’m off this island. Maybe it’s best just to catch it and survive it?

I love you and thank you and wish you and the family a happy Bastille Day!

On July 10, 2020, at 10:30am, Sister wrote:

X? you are alive! It so nice to hear from you! I did not realize my last email was so cold and rigid. Sorry about that!

What guy exists that is NOT lazy and a nudnik? All the ones I’ve ever met are! Did you have to develop arthritis in those freezing conditions in the van? That is too much!

We are getting old, eh? What was that you said?

Here are some news updates that accumulated while you were cloistered up as a hermit (but not too crabby… gosh, my sense of humor is getting progressively stale as the years go by).

They voted green in my city! Our mayor is an ecologist. She is going to develop the parks and maybe make tram free for all children under 18 and other people too. That will make it easier for me – i won’t have to do all that extra multiplication in my head every time the children ask to go to Orangerie! We actually just walked there the last 2 times. It was a disaster. The eldest stepped on a bee the last time… we had to walk all the way home. Luckily a handy banana peel soothed her foot temporarily… until it kept slipping out of her sandal. Poor girl.

On Monday, the synogogue gave the children gifts, as usual at the end of the year. Hebrew books mostly… but the eldest got a surprise gift, some kind of blue-tooth earphones. The children were so excited with it; it worked with my phone. But the fourth child did not go to Hebrew school, so she had no gift. She cried in the secretary’s office – but a cute, quiet crying, she had tears in her eyes, “why don’t I have a gift, too?” so the secretary found some sticker book and gave it to her. Then she was happy.

The eldest with her new headphones forced me to figure out what the heck is bluetooth. I felt like some primitive caveman with all my lack of knowledge. She’s already better than me with my own phone! (she’s giving me lessons on it)  How embarrassing!

The eldest actually says she remembers Grandma (our mother) and trying to repeat some Russian words after her… and you! She remembers stuff I already forgot, like when Auntie slammed the door after she was playing with your bra?? There were other instances… it all seems funny now (at least to me…) when you were angry because of a pipi the second child did on the floor? The eldest actually dreamed about you a week or two ago. She said we were all in a haunted house (dirty, no light at all) and then you prayed in her dream (yes! Auntie X in the eldest’s dream was praying), and the whole house was filled with light. I hope things are OK over there! You’re so far away from everyone! 

I better go! Sorry for babbling away as we Geminis sometimes tend to do! Love, Sister

Grafitti on a water tank in Geraldine

Emails between Mother and I:

On July 8, 2020, at 2:35pm, Mother wrote:

Today, as never before, please, stay put where are you! Read the news from the Babel, the USA. I do not see any improvement, not in the COVID-19 numbers, not in the political shifts.

The head of the country – is stupid. His policies are harmful to the country, for our lives, health, business, promised happiness. Money for the people and unemployment lost in Kushner’s and Trump’s many companies’ deep pockets. The unemployment rate is growing, as is homelessness, the random crime and racism. I do not believe I am living in this kind of time, I thought they were finished and past away in my Grandparents’ lives. 

Please, my Darling X! Do everything which is in your power and what is LEGAL to stay in New Zealand, appeal to the right instances, people, offices. I know how much you hate bureaucracy and meaningless running from one to another but no one could do it for you today, just you. Please, be kind to yourself and stay there now. Wait for the changes in this country. Hopefully for good. You know. You know the rest. Love my precious daughter with all of my heart, Mother.

On July 12, 2020, at 7:36am, Mother wrote:

Hello, X! Shabbat Shalom to you! I hope you are alright. 

I saw your pictures on Instagram. Such beautiful places. Please, be safe, keep yourself healthy, write to me if you need help. Help me help you. But stay there as long as you may do so!

I saw another article today: they want to free 8,000 criminals in in California because of the corona. You are so much safer there, so much more! Ain li milim! I am speechless! I miss you. I wish I could hug you and hide you. But it is so much better for you to be in NEW ZEALAND today than in the USA. People are crazy, dying like flys and still do not wear the masks! Some Karma is boomeranging the USA for all the racism and hypocracy they did to me, to you, to blacks and to native Americans. I do not know other interpretation for all this. Love, Mother.

Looking at the Southern Alps from the Canterbury Plains

On July 13, 2020, at 6:19am, Mother wrote:

How right you were!

On July 13, 2020, at 6:31pm, I wrote:

Hi Mama, 

Of course I’m right – I’m YOUR daughter!

Ha! I knew a nonviolent revolution could succeed! Tell me, how did they pull it off? Did the rebels band together and march on the White House? Was it an internet coup?

I hope you are doing well? I guess I will stay here for 3 more weeks, at least. I seem to say that every 3 weeks! I’m back in the north part of the south island for the warmer weather. I still don’t know what to do or where to go. I hoped there would be more clarity after Mercury went out of retrograde, but there isn’t, and I’ve had delays in my travels. I think I can put off my life in the US a little longer. I am not sure that I can afford a life here, but so far I am ok, I think. I need to figure out how to check my savings account, and then I can tell you whether or not I have a money problem.

Thanks so much for offering to help! But I do feel guilty – the money is yours and I am wasting time here. I need to find a solution where I don’t have to take from you.

I heard that some states are closing again. Are you ok? I hope that you are enjoying the summer a little? It must be so nice and warm there!

I know it’s been a while since I wrote, but there’s not much news. I’m still floating around the country… You’ve seen the pictures! I’m in a town called Geraldine, for another night anyway, and then maybe I will go find a warm beach further north. Not that warm, though! It really is winter here.

I bought a space heater at a thrift store, and I’ve been taking it into all my hostel rooms because they are stingy with heat here. This room doesn’t even have a heater! And it’s a nice place, too – you would like the chandelier in the bathroom. Thank you for your letters! I love to read them, even if I am lazy on responding. It is good to know what’s going on over there, and I’m glad you think I’m in the right place for now. The tourist visa that I got when I arrived is good for 2 years, actually. I’m just not supposed to earn money. Well, these poor Kiwis are trying to restart the tourism business here with no tourists, so I guess I am helping their economy as much as I can with my American dollars. At least I’m doing one productive thing here!

I love you very very very much!!

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July 2, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

On July 2, 1:13pm, the Mormon wrote:

How are you going? Sleep better I hope?

1:27pm – Hi Yes! I got 9 solid hours last night! How are you?

1:28 – Should I come over or are you working?

1:32 – Just finishing off the bottom of the field then ill be free. Say 1 hour we go for a walk down the lake wig the dog then we can hang out for a bit?

1:33 – Ok! See you then!

Emails between Mother and I

On June 15, 8:16pm, Mother wrote:

The most precious thing in my life! How do you do? Should I even ask?!

Before I will forget all those many words: About the taxes: file for an extension online. Go to the free IRS website and file form 4868 – so the penalty will be lower, or none. You have time before July 15th to file it so you will be out of their hook and have space to breathe.

2- Your ex-mother-in-law. No, I didn’t talk to her on the telephone, she spared me this torture. She reached me via Facebook. Oh! Truly! Why you? Out of all the children and relatives she has, she chose you to cry on your shoulder? It is strange to me. At the same time your ex-husband is bragging there he has 2500 jumps! Why he is not at the bedside of his dying grandfather? She calls you to come to sit at his bedside from NZ? I am dumb or I do not see the logic here. 

I think something else there went wrong, it is all about the money, maybe they are all fighting for it already now and she feels isolated and treated unfairly? Do I care? I feel sorry for a person in her situation, but not more than this. Also, she was very nasty to me and you, in general, even when she thought she is “nice” to you! Keep in mind. It is maybe, he put you in his will and she tries to wiggle, extort it from you? Just a random thought.

When you receive it, [IF] say: thank you, God, it is some righteous judgment there, in the Heavens! Take it and go into your new life! If not, well! Say thank you, God, I knew one grandfather whom I loved and it is good. 

About the grandfather. My dear! If he has stage 4 lung cancer and a stroke… I’m not sure you will be able to see him if you try come here just for it. It is a lost cause if taken to account his age. It is all noble of you, but …strange is the fact that she reaches you and no one else! After her mother passed away they had a big fat birthday party for him. I didn’t see you on any of those pictures! Some hypocrisy there is going on. Countryside mentality, I never can understand it. 

3- So, make this reason to come to the USA the last thing on your list. His life, very long and happy life is over. Your life is in front of you. Let him go in peace. Now you are in the tunnel of time where you are the most important person in your life whom you should cherish and think about.

4- How did your father send you money? I have an idea to send you some money, so you don’t have to deal with him. You must tell me some things like addresses or numbers? I was thinking about the Moneygram? DO not worry about it – it is extra money, that I got from Father when he sold the house. In a sense, it is your money, too.

5- Oh! I am so happy that you started to write! You are good at it, you are the best in it from all people I know! Good luck with it! Oh! I am so happy to hear it! It will make you happy! I told you, money is not a problem, ok, it is a big problem, but it is solvable! But, to find the time to write – it is difficult – and you have it as a gift! I am glad you are using it so creatively! 

6- before you come here tune-up to the news on the USA motherland and make the plans for your trip back home accordingly! See: where are floods, fires, unrests are here – Now it looks as though in the northern states there are fewer problems, but you do it according to the news. Now it is too early to talk about it.

7- do not worry about the money or your trip. Worry today about today’s problems. Tomorrow – God will give you means and wisdom to solve tomorrow’s problems.Yes! I am so glad that you are in NZ now! and a bit more. Maryland is stable now, for a week. So they think to open the state on or after June 22, today I heard.

8- about the July 12th -if you like this date for your return – do it. I will look at what my usual astrologists are talking about and come back on it to you later on it – too many of them! but trust your guts! Be courageous! Do it and be glad about your decisions!

Next month, if it will work, I will try to send you some more money, so you do not have to feel limited. I am glad you got some good warm clothes! Why you went to the south and not to the north where you said is warmer? It is cheaper here? Or there were the traveling restrictions? Don’t worry – everything will shape up. Eventually. It always does.

Have a wonderful day! Good luck with your writing! Maybe it is your happy future, who knows? I love my baby so much! God bless you in everything you think, create, do, planning. God will guard you, save you, and light your way to freedom. My prayers and my heart is with you,
Love, Mother

On July 1, 5:34pm, Mother wrote:

My dear?!

If you forgot about Mother’s existence, I didn’t about yours! I hope you are safe and healthy. How are your writings are coming along? Are you enjoying your new project?

I assume, you are reading/watching the latest news from the USA, that why you do not communicate with me? Also, I understood you do not want any help from me?! Nu, X, you are an adult young lady. I assume you know what to do. Or, you are angry because I am poor?! I have no idea why you are do not want to communicate with people who care for you for real, not fake.

Do you want to come back now, or in Autumn? Please, let me know a month or two before it. I must talk to the office to be sure that you will have space here in the building. With me, maybe, you would be able to live about a month before they notice it and it is legal, but you are used to such wild freedom – with me you will feel suffocated. I am afraid I will irritate you with my presence, my habits, words, whatever differences we have not according to your book of proper Mothers.

I love you this way or another, but you are different now. Excitement will wear out in three days and then you will notice I don’t conform to your standards. Me? I just want you to be happy, satisfied, have peace in your heart and your soul.  I always wanted it, but it is not enough, huh? You must remember, I am in a different phase of life. It still surprises me, but I am 65 years old lady! I never knew I can live for so long! Nevertheless, my Granny lived up to 93 or so, and her grandmother up to 111 or 112, when her husband left this world young, at 108! 

If you need help, you must let us know about it. We are here for you. Do not tell it too late when we will be unable to do something to be helpful. Reset your connectivity with the world, it is about time.

I enjoy your pictures. A lot. However, they are all taken in such desolate places, like you are alone in the wilderness. It makes my heart sink to the first floor when my body is still stuck on the seventh floor. Can you have a safer way to have fun? 

Have a beautiful enjoyable day! God bless you in everything you do, you think, you decided to do. As I said before [blame on my intuition, again!] taking the route which is parallel to Canada, or in Canada, and then down around the Great Lakes, New York, Maryland. I feel it is a safer way home. But you are the smartest person in the room, I trust you’ll do it right. 

My prayers and my heart with you. Love my baby, love a lot, and some more, Mother

On July 2, 5:22pm, I wrote:

Hi Mama! I did my extension – thank you! I filed form 4868, and it was a small challenge, but thank you so much for helping me. I still don’t know what to do. The psychics were right – there has been a resurgence of the virus. So, all I can think of is to wait to come home until July 13, when Mercury goes out of retrograde. I have no better information upon which to base my life decisions!

I don’t know if there is anything here for me in NZ. I’m done with the guy I was dating, and I can write from anywhere in the world. I don’t really want to go to the U.S., but what else am I supposed to do? 

How are things in Maryland? Have you been out in public? How is your partner? And his mom?

On July 2, 6:10pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! My dear! My partner is alright. He had the corona, he got it from Mother who had it from his sister, who didn’t wear the mask. I got it too, but I think the blood type 0 [could be?] helped me. So I am always washing my hands and wearing the mask in public.

But my partner had it stronger, and his mother the worst of all of them. I think I had it twice because each time before it I would have a dream of the coronavirus as a symbol of death in my dream: he looks at me and I look at him without blinking, he sees I am not afraid of him and he passes away.

My partner’s heart is in NY, with mother. He is rarely here. His car is broken now, it would be in the garage for a month because they have to change the engine. He feels obligated to take me to the grocery store. I buy the groceries, he is not so generous, yet. Nudnik. I am glad you got over with the forms and taxes! Congratulations! It is the worst! I love you, My prayers and my love are always with you, Have a nice day! 
Mother

On July 2, 6:59pm, I wrote:

Sorry, I didn’t finish my letter and accidently sent it. I stayed on the South Island because I heard that the ferry to the North Island is fully booked until September. Maybe it’s true, but I thought I would spend time with this guy, and now I am sick of him. He is a nudnik.

So, I have no good reason to stay except for avoiding America. Is that a good enough reason? Maybe I should face my responsibilities and real life again, but I don’t really have a real life in the US.

I don’t feel good about taking your money. You earned it, and you should enjoy it – maybe a lovely vacation! Or keep it for a rainy day. Enjoy it! Don’t worry, I will come crying to you if I really do need money. I don’t know how much money I have left. Probably enough. I really have no idea what to do or when to leave. Maybe that’s a sign that I should leave? We’ll see how the lunar eclipse goes tomorrow. I wish I could be more helpful. I know you would like to know when I’ll be home, but I don’t know.

I hope you are enjoying the pool and some wonderful summer sunshine! I love you! X

On July 2, 8:54pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! My dear! It is true! Leave the nudnik behind! It is the worst type of people, they suck you into their nudniking state and you are lost there – from my own experience! It is hard to unglue yourself from this state!

Looks to me, you didn’t see the latest news. It is 50,000 new cases in one day, Wednesday, in the USA. People are stupid here, nothing new.

What I think, if you’re not sure about the USA, maybe go to your sister in Europe: it is a less dangerous place to be, and see if you can help your little sister with her children? Take some load from her shoulders and enjoy the school of ducklings, huh? Then, maybe, you will find a right ideas for your own future actions? Also, for me, it is will easier to worry for you all if you are in one safer place. It is just an idea.

You have your own relationship with your sister and it’s so complicated! I wish you both would be less touchy when it comes to the relationship between each other, I even do not know where to start with this problem. One thing I know – you both need each other so badly, but both are so proud that you will never admit it not yourselves, not to each other, not the world!

Just lose this guy, make a space for a better person in your life. Did I think, also, maybe, you can apply to some school there in NZ? But, it also costs money! OK, don’t you mind me! 

On July 13, I am afraid some states will be “closed”. One of them is California. Maybe you shouldn’t come there in July. Talk to your sister, see what is going on; maybe it is the least painful landing for you at this time.

I am thinking more often now: How it comes, that you landed in NZ, the “clean” country from the corona out of all the countries in the world? When here the pandemic is going in circles like crazy? What does it mean? Does God hide you from this disease? Are you are so much more precious in God’s eyes that we even ever know, appreciated it?!  Does He have something so much more important for you to do in this world than just be in NZ? What is His purpose for you?

So far, staying in New Zealand looks to be a reasonable solution to your problems. I am still convinced that NZ is the safest place on the Earth today [I do not know what will be tomorrow, but the USA is for sure the hell on the Earth today] Maybe, God did guide you there to save you?! I think, the more time you are in NZ, the less you would like to come to the USA. 

We are so nearsighted we know nothing about what is going on with us! But God sees all our lives from a different perspective, and also, He is Merciful, and a kind God; He is not a human, He is a Holy Creator of us. He loves us, doesn’t matter what we do, we think, we scream, He has all the kindness for us, to protect us, to save our souls and our hearts and our bodies from unnecessary hurt. I think it is rather a blessing that you landed there, a miracle, maybe, if you take to account the combination of circumstances how you got there. God is Merciful, my Darling X. I think I am starting to understand His plan for you: He wants just to save you from what is going on in the USA.

Maybe, this period of humiliation and tragedy is just over and you are ready to say to it: “bye-bye”!? Bye-bye to your ex-husband, to death, to loss, to sadness… And start a new blank page with peace in your soul and mind, with experience to reject the evil, with openness to just goodness.

I do not know. I do not know what you should do. But I am sure when you will know it, I will know it, too. I will support you 101%.

But the nudnik must go, you need space to think and create your dream, yes, one astrologer said: Be courageous and dream big because all that would be given to you.  It is a sun coming into your house, so you will see a light and with it the understanding of your situation. She also said to not lend your money, be quiet about your affairs, totally quiet about your plans, beware of backstabbers, watch that someone will not steal something from you in the beginning of July. Keep your money for yourself; you will need it later in the year. They are jealous, with their drool from their mouths for your money.

I am at home because I do not have licenses or a car, no passport, and everything is closed, anyway. My personal nudnik just promised me the vacation, but his heart is in NY, with mother. But at least he got a smaller storage room, so, on the weekend we moved all the canvases and the rest of the boxes there into the new room, which is 10X5 feet but costs 4 times less!

Also, thank you, X, for the exercises, you showed me for the nerve which goes from the spine to the legs. I do it often, or else! No, the pool I am not enjoying, or the gym room: they are closed due to the corona. If you staying in NZ just because to avoid the USA – it is the best reason to stay put there. I am sure it will be better there for you later [when the cold will go away]. 

I just worry so much: you are coming here for what? The USA does not have work for you, in fact for another 40% or so of Americans now. There are no benefits, no job for you here now! Just misery! And the same homelessness that you experience there. My partner said you may apply for the food stamps, but you will be on the very bottom of the list.

People are fooling around with signs: BLM! and others are with weapons or the loops for hanging. So stupid! They didn’t solve the 400 years old problem and now the LAND here is like a disease, open wound here! It looks like we are on the brink of the revolution or something like this. It is not your problem. If you can, wait there for them to calm down, then come, when it will be some normality here. If you will tell the truth to the NZ government that you just afraid to come back now to the USA – they will understand you more than you know it. They see the news more than you and they know more what is going on here! It is just you that is oblivious!

I wish you would have a real friend and not a nudnik on your side there!
God bless you, He would save you, I am sure He has a purpose for you. He has for everyone. He will reveal it to you soon. It is just a time in your life, like a… gum. It will be stronger, more stable, I am sure of it.

OK. The last pictures you took of the ocean and those spheres are so beautiful, it feels that your mood comes better. It reminds me of the art of some Asian artist who doing art and destroying it as a part of the creative process, part of the artistic performance; as here the water of ocean would erase your artworks later… It is some symbolism in it.

What you say, huh? I love you so much, my heart is bleeding for you. But one is never to know what a great plan or projects God has for you. Let us trust Him. He is a faithful God, only that I know from my life experience.
The rest… we will see and understand later when the blinders will fall off our eyes. Just do not be frightened, be strong, confident. Because you are not alone: mine and your father’s [I am sure of it!] prayers are with you. Also, God is with you. With Him, any situation is always a winning situation. God is always with you to bless you, your mind, your heart, your soul.
I love you, Mother 

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June 28, Correspondence

Emails between Sister and I

On June 17, 9:22am, I wrote:

Happy happy birthday, dearest Sister!!!

I hope it is a beautiful day for you! Have fun! Will there be a celebration? Maybe some more beautiful cherries? How are you feeling? Has the fever gone away? I hope you are feeling healthy and bright on your birthday!

I’ve been in Te Anua for the past few days, near the Fjordlands in the south, taking a break from the Englishman. He talks too much and is scared of my driving. The roads here are pretty wild, but I think I’ve done a fantastic job of keeping the car upright. I’m heading back to him tonight, I guess – we haven’t communicated at all. It’s been far too cold and rainy and windy to see the sights around here.

I’d like to go north again, but I don’t know if I should bring the Englishman. Sometimes he is so caring and sweet, and sometimes he doesn’t seem to care about anything but himself. And I feel like I’m too fancy for him when I insist on things like vegetables and heat and soap with no nasty chemicals.

He seems to think I’m too precious or high-class, and wouldn’t my life be way less stressful if I could just be happy with a serving of fries for dinner and a frosty shed to sleep in?

Kiwis take pride in how tough they are, and that attitude is admirable and contagious. I want to be strong, too! But my body is so much happier with proper food and good sleep. You and I have both worked our whole lives to learn what it takes to keep our organisms functioning well. Is it so wrong to be functioning optimally?

I feel so nice after 5 days in a heated room (with its own kitchen – free upgrade!). Even though the community bathroom is a little walk away, (like 50 meters maybe) it’s heated, too!! I don’t have to put a pair of fuzzy socks on the toilet seat just so I don’t freeze my butt off. And there is plenty of hot water! I just took a 25 minute shower as a kind of revenge for all those 2 minute showers I’ve rushed through in the past few months.

Obviously, I can’t afford this high-class travelling life; which, incidentally, costs just as much as “normal” life in the states. Cheap rent there is basically $50/day, same as a cheap hotel room, and just as hard to find. I spend so many hours researching prices and places online. If the Mormon could just take some of that burden off my back… He doesn’t even have to pay, just spend an hour on those travel and hotel websites to find a good, cheap place with heat and a kitchen… I would love to stop worrying about where I’m going to sleep tomorrow. 

Flying back to the States isn’t going to change that. I don’t have a home there, either. But I guess I have to? The Englishman isn’t enough to hold me here, and I don’t know what else to do in New Zealand. He’s not a very good Mormon, although he really believes. He sometimes has a cider or wine. And yes, his tea is not only caffeinated, it’s a hot beverage, which Joseph Smith would disapprove of, for sure. Also, having a relationship with me is probably bad as well!

How are all the kids? And your partner? It was sweet of him to make a soup for you! I guess we do need meat sometimes. They farm deer here. It’s weird to see them fenced in. I’m accustomed to seeing them running wild through the forests, and I don’t like the fences. I think I am super cold because I’m not eating much meat at all. Except fish and chips once a month. But kumara (sweet potato) chips! How cool is it that kumaras are native plants here?

I’d better go – check out is in 30 minutes, and I need to pack up. I really would love to see you and the family sometime. I don’t know how or when, but if you ever want me there, just say the word, and I will find a ticket! If not, no worries at all! I love you across time and space!
X

On June 28, 2:17am, Sister wrote:

Hi X! It has been almost 2 weeks since you wrote: I am sorry I did not reply sooner. I got caught up with school since the children were obligated to return until July 4. One more week til “vacation”! not sure what kind of “vacation” that will mean! They did open the German border though, so we actually did go to Kehl. 

Germans are a tad stricter. Children have to wear masks from 6 yrs old and up (in France, children are obligated from 11 years old). They were getting ready to call the cops on me because I didn’t get it, and Lila was telling me she felt like her mask was suffocating her… that was the 1 euro shop. (It’s all of a sudden become the 1.10 € shop.) I remembered enough German to figure it out in time.

Is the English dude still in the picture, or is he gone with the wind?
It has already been a long winter for you in NZ. But the cases in the USA are spiking! Do you have a plan?!

If you want to come here, the hotels are still closed, but one of Aziz’s friends could possibly produce an apartment for you for free whenever or however long you want. You probably won’t have to see Aziz’s friend at all, he’s busy with his family. The cleanliness of his friend is questionable (Aziz said he saw a mouse there once). I have never seen it in person, but it has got to be better than a truck. It has its own kitchen, bath, toilet, and the dude’s neighbor said she would clean it, as she does on occasion.

France is in “state of emergency” until July 10 , so I don’t think foreigners (outside of UE) can enter until then. If you come should we keep it a secret from the Parents? Or does it matter? It might even be eventually possible to find a job or at least social security here?

Not much else is going on. I was forced to wait in a thunderstorm for the kids to get out of school yesterday. Luckily we got home before the real downpour started. Today is a bright, sunny day. 

Well, keep in touch.
Love, 
Sister

Emails between Father and I

On June 25, 8:23am, Father wrote:

To our friends that helped us realize our dream,
We watched and remembered you all in the wedding video that Rob Tanin made for us. My partner and I celebrated last night at il Porto restaurant, that had just opened its indoors to customers (note our lowered masks while we dined).

On June 28, 10:57am, I wrote:

Happy Anniversary! Thanks so much for sending the photos – it was so wonderful to enjoy those memories of your wedding! It was such a beautiful day!

I’m glad to hear that you were able to celebrate properly, too. Looks like dinner was wonderful! Are things returning to normal? I heard that there was a spike in cases recently. Do you think it’s a good time to return to the states? I miss you!

I wish I could have celebrated Father’s day with you. Much love, X

On June 28, 12:58pm, Father wrote:

Hi X,

I miss you a lot. Maryland is gradually returning to normal. Social distancing is still there, as well as wearing a mask in buildings or while interacting with services. Haircut, and nails are by appointment. I think your yoga studio opened, too. The boats at Lake Needwood have opened for the summer on Thursdays thru Sundays. The Putt-Putt will open up in a couple weeks for the summer. No outdoor fireworks though, just virtual is planned.

Last week there was a surge in Covid-19 mostly in California, Texas, Arizona and Florida. That may throw a “stick in the spokes” of your plans.

How are you doing for cash? I could send some if you like.
Love,
Papa

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April 6 – Day 12, Journal

I feel more things than I was taught to comprehend, so the words that I must use to describe my experiences in life are always a pale approximation of the true moment. But truth is important. And truth is stranger than fiction, and naturally more interesting.

I feel more things. I feel people’s moods and emotions when i walk into a room, and sometimes I don’t know if I’m experiencing their emotions or mine.

So, I have to be careful and discerning. When I feel something, I need to step back from that feeling (thank you, yoga) and see if belongs to me. Then, I can decide how to proceed in a given moment.

It’s taken years of being alone to understand what feelings come from me. I’ve found that I’m not that emotional anymore because every feeling is tempered and sweetened by the peace which passeth understanding.

Is it wrong, then, to eavesdrop on other people’s feelings? They don’t know that they’re oozing emotion, and that I soak it up like a sponge. And I can’t really help it. I just become inundated with the energy around me.

That’s why I’m very careful with the people and environment around me. I want to be who I am: healthy, happy, creative and completely unafraid. Somehow, I’m not strong enough to be myself in an overwhelming environment. When I’m stuck with people who are fearful or angry or twisted inside, I start to become like that, too. I can usually tell, now, which energy is mine, and which is a lie.

All of it is an untruth in some way: all of these emotions are smudges on the clear glass through which the divine within us perceives this moment, this life. To see clearly, you’ve got to clean the smudges. But I do see, I have seen, the piercing diamond clarity of God. And it seems like God enjoys the smudges because they’re interesting, because they are all aspects of God.

Being God, is it not my duty to experience the infinite?

Of course I should climb the most dramatic mountains, search out the most idyllic streams, and find the loveliest views of this grand country. Of course, I must spend hours basking in the sun and the Source, existing in the purity of nature – that’s where it’s easy to be God.

It’s less easy and more interesting to be God in a house full of different aspects of God. I am so lucky (SO lucky!!) to be amongst people who are not deeply twisted or angry or fearful. These fellow inmates of mine are kind, honest, and fun! I am endlessly grateful for getting stuck with such lovely people.

It was probably the third evening when Miriam (the mother of the little family) and I were talking over dinner about the dynamics of the group. There are 3 or 4 of the young Israelis who are less enthusiastic about cleaning, and we were considering the balance of effort in our group.

“I can tell that the girls are going to be the problem,” Miriam told me, “They’re difficult.”

She pointed her chin at Natalie, whose delicately authoritative face shone with the light of aloof youth. Did she sit more and work less than the others? Natalie seemed cold to me at first, but I somehow was blessed by affection from her. I say that completely without cynicism – her true smile was a pink rose blooming, and I am so grateful to know her.

The girls were in the minority: 10 to 12, if you count the children. Four available young men, and only 3 available women: me and the 2 super-Christians, Jessica and Christine. So, most of the women have men, and they can afford to slack off because they have their men to cover for them. They’re young; drunk with the power of fresh relationships and expendable incomes. It’s fine. They’ve all been through the army and they know cooperation. I trust these young ones to put in as much effort as I will. After all, I’m the only one taking Shabbat off. Maybe nobody’s noticed – I haven’t been called out yet.

Nobody’s perfect. Most of them are quite young – just trying on adulthood for the first time. They do well! Everyone cooperates with our cleaning duties, more or less. Nobody has a sour attitude… Except my roommate.

Jessica told me that she has some mental health imbalances like anxiety and depression, especially around her time of the month. She’s been friendly so far, and we’ve had some great conversations about hair and religion. I can see that she’s uncomfortable in this situation, though. Sometimes she’ll go inside herself, and i can almost hear the defeating, depressive cycles of thought.

Jessica doesn’t like most of the Israelis because they’re loud and irreverent. I guess i can never tell her that i couldn’t sleep the first night because she was talking so loudly with Christine in the hall until midnight.

She’s so American. Thank God for Christine. They’re great friends; Jessica and Christine, always talking, cooking, sharing, and doing their daily devotions. Jessica needs a friend like that. I think it keeps her balanced.

I went to devotions with them once. Peter and Alma have these hour-long sessions in their home every weekday morning at 9am. On the fourth or fifth day, i joined them, just to see. It was horrifically boring, just like going to church. Peter spoke at length, occasionally looking to Alma for approval. She only called him out once on the history of Babylon, and that’s when i heard the iron in her voice. As sweet as she is, there’s no doubt that she’s in charge.

We looked at Daniel, and his prophecies of Babylon or something. It seemed very important to them to make this ancient hallucination relevant to them and their sober, modern lives. It’s strange that they glorify Daniel’s visions on one hand, while forbidding meditation on the other.

I still do it. Meditate. In that state, I can feel the emotions and energy around me without letting them sink in, maybe because I’m already full with the Divine. I’m getting better, too! I can maintain my Self, even though I’m soaked through with others’ emotions.

And I like these emotions! Happy, sociable, hedonistic, adventurous, rebellious… These are the young, delightful feelings around me; this is the water in which I’m stewing. It’s a lot of testosterone. I love testosterone! It makes me giddy with joy and power. I’ve spent a lot of time with women in my line of work, and i do prefer the energy of men.

Testosterone is life-energy to me. It turns me on, gets me moving, and unleashes that fearless joy that makes life worthwhile. I crave it. I wilt without it. With it, I am complete and powerful.

If only men weren’t such dicks, I could be king of the world!

I can feel the testosterone here – so young and fresh! I’m always a little turned on. I feel alive and open and generous.

That’s probably what attracted the Mormon. A few days ago, I went for my daily walk to clear out the lodge energy and to refresh the peaceful purity of myself. We are so lucky to have these beautiful walks around us, and so lucky that we are allowed to disappear into the wilderness for hours on end with no questions asked.

He was walking his dog, Rex, and for some reason, i got pulled into chatting with him. His English accent is so charming.

We maintained our distance – 6 feet apart at all times.We walked together along the river for an hour, dipping into the woods to follow a dusty trail where rabbits burrowed thickly, like Jews in Florida. The land rose quickly, and we scrabbled up the perforated hills until we found a fine spot to sit and talk.

We spoke about the pandemic, society, revolution, and rabbits. He had a rollie, and told me he’d bring something so that we could smoke together next time. The light slanted through the dense pines and Rex dug a fine hole in the hill upon which we were sitting.

We walked back to his car, and he gave me his number, scrawled on the back of a business card that was already tattooed with the number of a Charlene.

“Never mind that,” he said, “I don’t need that anymore.” He leaned in, then remembered the virus, and then leaned back in, cautiously extending a hand. Hesitantly, I took his hand. And with that little gesture, I popped the bubble that protected our lovely lodge from the deadly Coronavirus.