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July 29, 2020, Journal

Unending ribbons of rain prevented me from taking my regular morning excursion, which ostensibly involves a benign mixture of yoga, tourism, and tramping through the West Coast’s forests. It’s far too damp to pretend that being outside is synonymous with ‘vacation’.

Today, the Regent’s company will have to serve as my daily distraction from the pain of being unlovable and barren. He’s so alive; so eager to talk about anything. Was it just the four months of Covid-19 isolation that we’d all endured, or was it a longer loneliness that had been begging for dissolution? His expressiveness reminds me of the few times in my childhood when I’d taken a precious school friend up to my room, my sacred space, and shown her all the treasures that I’d collected in my handful of years: shells and dolls, plastic horses and dream castles, books and bones and a long, shimmering snakeskin. Those rare friends slithered out of my life consistently, but I do remember how joyous that initial intimacy was.

Show-and-tell to a loving and genuinely interested audience is a childhood fantasy come true. The Regent deserves that. Why not? He loves to talk, like all men do, but our relationship is something special. He’s read my blog, and he knows who I am… at least to some extent, at least between March 23 and April 22 of this year.1

This blog is written in my honest voice. I really like it, and I want to share it, but I reckon everyone feels the same way about their voice. My voice is usually drowned out by the voices of other, more important people, and I always end up hating those relationships. Sharing my words with the Regent so early on might not have been the wisest idea, given the content herein, but it’s put me in a unique position of power. I’ve been heard on my terms. Is this the first time that a person has voluntarily taken the time to listen to me?

Of course, you talk to men on dates, but they don’t listen. They just stare at your flesh and think of their next brilliant quip. If you do manage to capture their interest with words, they’ll twist that connection into a competition and tell you how they’ve done it better or more dramatically. I always end up wasting my night, staring at them in forced adoration as they orate ad infinitum. Every time, I pray that we can stop this dick parade and maybe discuss something like two human beings. They never notice my kindness and respect in letting them drone on, and they absolutely never allow me to drone on. If I go on for more than five or six consecutive sentences, they stopper my lips with a kiss and move right on to sex.

Funny. If you replace the sex and kisses with yelling and whippings, they’d be exactly like my parents. Funny, funny patterns.

This is different, though. The Regent already knows me. My parents have never read my words. None of my exes have, either, except the Quaker, back in 2018. The thing is, I’m not sure that I want them to see my strength. They love me for my softness.

My words are my weapon. Divorce taught me that. I destroyed my ex-husband with my words, as much as one can destroy a vampire. He conquered me physically so many times, but I used my exquisite, sharp words to claw away at his deformed heart until it finally bled tears in recompense for the pain that he’d caused me. They were all so surprised that I’d hurt him. They thought I was prey, too.

It would be lovely and marketable if the sword of truth that my writing wields was a handy kitchen tool that I could use to slice off a piece of New Zealand to share with the world. But it is a weapon. Slicing away the Veil, sentence after sentence; a sword destroys boundaries. Humans love to peer within the hidden architecture of our character to find the juicy flow of life, a reminder of their own vitality. It’s the same old story: following the Universe’s injunction to look, perceive, know… to penetrate darkness with light. Then we can fulfill the only desire of the Universe: to lovingly see Itself in all Its naked glory.

Finally, that primal hunger to be truly seen and known is being sated. In my fantasies, that is love. I’m often wrong about such things.

The Regent hasn’t mentioned my writing, but it seems to have created a shortcut to our friendship. He sees me as a person without him ever having to listen to me speak. I feel heard, and he feels secure. I also feel exposed, as I cannot forget that these words expose my vulnerable vital organs to the world. He seems enchanted by my boldness. Is it a fox’s fixation on a mouse?

These rainy days have been ideal for working on my blog. Like everything I do, it takes forever because I like things just so. The tricky part is presentation. It’s always got to be fresh… new words to say the same things, covering up the obvious: that it’s all just a pile of zeros and ones; shaken, stirred, and served fresh daily!

This sort of mental and emotional challenge requires all of my attention. Sitting on the Regent’s guest couch, I fall into the memory of those lockdown days at the Lodge as though I’m falling into a hypnotic state and diligently tap my story into my cell phone. Sometimes I’ll sit there for two or more hours, and I often feel the Regent considering me from a distance. I’m spending as much time typing as I am hitting that tiny delete button with my fat, almost-40-year-old fingers. I need a proper keyboard.

It occurred to me that I might be able to buy a used laptop online if I could use the Regent’s address as a destination, so I asked him for permission yesterday. I love watching him be generous. Pride sits well on a Maori. That lifted barrel chest displays his culture just as obviously as the Regent’s full lips and well-creased eyes.

This morning, the Regent was eager to show me his Virtual Reality toys. In his casual Kiwi way, he waved at the small stack of VR units still in their boxes under his TV.

“I got a great deal on these,” he explained, “I want to set up a gaming room in downtown Westport.”

“Really?” This was the first time he’d mentioned any sort of career or community involvement. “What a cool idea! We need more social spaces, and I bet you’d get tons of business.”

“Nah, yeah, I’ve got a connection, and I can get a good space for cheap. It’ll just be a bunch of VR stations where you can rent these by the hour, and just play and chill.”

The way he said ‘chill’ made me giggle.

“Chell.” I mimicked his accent as well as I could, trying to curl the outer edges of my lower lip down and in so I could achieve the same delicate conch-shell shape. “Where’s the ‘i’? I think you mixed it up with your ‘iggs’ for breakfast.”

“Eegs!” the Regent insisted with mock outrage. “They’re eegs. Always been eegs. How do you say it?”

“Eggs… it’s almost an ‘a’ sound, actually.” I laughed at my American assumptions. “I guess it makes more sense your way. You say the ‘e’ sound and then a ‘g’… what else does a person need from two letters? It’s perfect.”

“Yeah, sweet as.”

“Another one!” I pointed to a Kiwiana poster at the far end of the living room that was simply a collection of Kiwi sayings and slang2 in a variety of jazzy fonts. “There, on the left: sweet as! You really do say all of the stereotypical words! I love it. And I especially love that it’s completely unironic. You’re a perfect tour guide.”

“I’m Kiwi as.” the Regent’s puffy chest rose as he laughed. “Here’s one that’s not on that poster: jafa. Have you ever heard that one?”

“Jaffa? A city in Israel? No… Sounds like something I’ve eaten before, though… Isn’t it a sort of chocolate-orange cookie?”

“No,” the Regent smiled wide and enlightened me. “Jafa, with one ‘f’. It stands for ‘Just Another Fucking Aucklander.’”

“Ahh! Awesome! Is there some sort of rivalry between the big-town snobs and the rural salt of the earth? Are Aucklanders really terrible or something?” It felt like getting the goss from the girls at work after a few days off – my ears were tingling to know about the juicy local social alliances.

“Auckland is just full of these assholes who think they’re king shit, with their huge cars and their fancy clothes. If they could, they’d buy up all the land and make wineries. The rest of New Zealand can’t be bothered with them.” The Regent shrugged. “You’ll see, if you ever get there.”

“Pff.” My disdain was obvious. “Doubt it. Sounds like Americans. Sounds like exactly the type of person that would destroy a continent for financial gain. Sounds like what I’m running from. It makes me so happy that there is a derogatory word specifically for city folk like that.”

“They’re basically wanna-be Australians. And Australians are wanna-be Americans. Out here on the South Island is where you get the real New Zealand.”

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be a citizen here?” I was serious for a moment. “This country is so real, and pure, and people are actually reasonable! I mean, they actually have common sense and they use it! You have no idea how rare this is in the States. I hate it there, and I don’t want to go back.” I heard my petulance, and I rushed to justify my discontent. “Americans are scared, stupid, and angry. I mean, you know. You’ve watched TV.”

“Yeah. The whole world knows what Americans are like.” the Regent’s chin wobbled in unambiguous assent. “Why don’t you stay here?”

“Can I?” I shrugged away his answer. “Everything’s still so strange with Covid. Do I belong here? Can I afford it? Maybe once we get to Level 2, I can look for a job.”

“Well, while we’re still stuck at home, do you want to try the VR?” The Regent really is good company. I must remember to compliment his excellent hosting skills when I write my review for AirBnB.

“A hundred percent.”

“Here, start with this.” He flipped through the options that popped up on his TV and rested on an Aquarium Immersion. “It’s just a small interactive world where you can try out the controls and see what it’s all about.”

A heavy set of goggles was strapped to my head, and the Regent pressed little control sticks into each of my hands. Darkness cleared, and the goggles showed me that I was underwater, facing a digital reef that swayed to a digital current. The sticks allowed me to navigate, as though I was propelling a little metal cage that defined the inside edges of this virtual aquarium. Fish swam past, traversing the field of my goggles with long, elegant strokes while anemones pulsed beneath me.

Visually, it truly seemed immersive; in a false, cartoonish way. VR could feasibly be quite entertaining. During my ten-minute session, I was extremely aware of two simultaneous realities: moving the hand controls and goggles to accurately interact with a world which only I can see, and how insane I looked as I did so. The cognitive dissonance was too much for me to bear, so I gently removed the lie from my head. It felt like quitting a job. I returned the VR set to the Regent with much gratitude for this new technological experience.

“It really feels like you’re surrounded by water! Amazing!” I used the moment to add some encouragement around his idea of opening a gaming room. He’s clearly lonely here in Westport.

“I’ve got stacks of these in the garage,” the Regent boasted. “I knew VR was going to hit big, so I wanted to get ahead of the game. Once Covid dies down, I can get the business into gear.”

“Once Covid dies down… How many times are we going to say that over the next few months?”

“It just won’t go away. And people are acting like eegs, making it worse. Did you hear about the idiots that escaped from quarantine last week?”

“What?! No, what happened?”

“They just had to get out of isolation,” he shrugged, “I guess they flew in from Australia and were under quarantine. It was a handful of people that just fucking jumped the fence and made a break for it. It was up north. They’ve been at Level 4 lockdown basically since this whole thing started: shelter in place, that sort of thing. We’re lucky to be at Level 3 and to be able to travel between towns. They’re going nuts with all the restrictions up there.”

“I got the impression that Kiwis were happy to follow the rules, or at least the Covid rules that impact public health.”

“Down here, yeah. We kind of go along to get along on the South Island.”

“There aren’t many people here. I guess that helps you respect and appreciate boundaries?”

The Regent pursed his curvy lips. “Yeah, and a lot of the farmers are used to being isolated and chained to their farms. They’re very conservative here in the South, especially when you get down towards Invercargill. Strangers bring change, and they don’t like either of those things. Lockdown was just fine by them.”

“And that’s not the case in Auckland?”

“Mostly, yeah, Kiwis will follow the restrictions. We’re all about family, whanau3, and we want to protect each other. Whanau isn’t just your immediate family, it’s your cousins and their cousins and anyone that we want to include in our circle. But we definitely have our share of radicals. That’s where Greenpeace was created, and those hippies are serious.” The Regent was flipping through his phone to find evidence for his assertions. A rather dry timeline of New Zealand’s Covid events appeared.

“See, here,” he scrolled, then paused. “24 July… five people abscond from a managed isolation facility, making a total of eight who have done so.”4

“Abscond!” I laughed heartily. “I love it here! They make it sound like Scooby-Doo and his gang are in trouble! Do they seriously need to keep Auckland under quarantine for so long? I know we’ve had new cases, but there’s been basically almost no deaths, and absolutely none since May 28th.”

“We’ve had 22 die.” The Regent’s pride was also a remembrance. “The first one was right here in Westport.”

“I’m so sorry. I forgot about that.”

“No, compared to the death toll in America, it is almost nothing.”

“America could use a culling.”

“America could use whanau.”

1 thousandpetalsproject.com/april-22-day-28-journal/

2 https://www.shopnz.com/blogs/nz-travel-and-culture/nz-slang-words-and-what-they-mean-to-us

3 https://www.janeshearer.com/a-meaning-of-whanau

4 https://www.nzdoctor.co.nz/timeline-coronavirus

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July 13, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

On July 13, at 11:44am, the Mormon wrote:

got there ok? How are you getting on?

3:57pm – Hi! Yeah, all good, thanks.
I had the chance to visit with one of my lockdown friends!
It was so good to see her again!
But she says there are no jobs around here.
Think I might head north tomorrow.
How are you?

Texts between Drew the Drug Dealer and I

On July 13, at 7:04pm, I wrote:

Hi Drew! We met maybe a month ago and the Mormon gave me your number.
I’m traveling up your way again, and I was wondering if you could hook me up?
If not, no worries – I know this is kinda out of nowhere.

7:06 – Give me a holla when you’re in town and I’ll see what I can do

7:06 – Sweet! thanks

Sunset near Lake Tekapo

Emails between Sister and I

On July 1, 2020, at 7:35am, Sister wrote:

Hi Sister? Did you feel the earthquake in NZ? Are you still there? 
The European Union banned travelers coming from USA. Travelers from New Zealand are allowed.

Anyway I hope you are ok

On July 9, 2020, at 4:09pm, I wrote:

Hi Sister! I hope the kids have a wonderful vacation, even though things are still upside down. They look happy! 

I still don’t have a good plan. I would love to visit – thank you so much for that joyous possibility! But I checked out the travel restrictions, and they say only EU citizens are allowed to travel to France right now. I saw that they would accept more people (just health workers and students though?) after July 10, including New Zealand citizens – would I count? I wrote an email to French Foreign Affairs, and we shall see what they say! I would probably need to do 2 weeks of quarantine anyway.

The Mormon is gone, finally. He was lazy and a nudnik, and I’m pretty sure that all the good guys are taken. There’s no good reason to be here. Sorry, I wish I had some news. I didn’t even feel the earthquake! Mama is pushing me to stay here. I’ve been able to delay my taxes and yearly eye exam, so I might as well stay for another few weeks. But I truly have no idea what I’m doing here. I’ll be headed out of the Otago area (where the Mormon lives) towards Christchurch again this weekend. The Mormon was right – this place will suck you in. I think some locations are like that – our hometown, too. It’s often seemed like a black hole to me. We both escaped!!

Anyway, this hotel is nice, and i’ve been able to heal a lot in the past week or so. My back and right hip and ankle are bothering me from driving or from the cold – I am so old! Mama was right – arthritis is no good! But they have a good bed and hot showers here. I’m enjoying healthy food and a good sleep schedule and I feel better than I’ve felt in weeks. Can I blame the Mormon? Probably not.

How does the summer feel? Are people relaxing finally? I guess if hotels are closed, there are still no tourists? I finally got a haircut last week and it feels so good! I got rid of 4 or 5 inches of dead stuff. And a few days later, one Mormon. 

I miss him a little. But this short and ungraceful relationship is giving me a lot to write about, so I’m so grateful for all of my experiences here. So, my days are writing and yoga and cooking now, hopefully to be repeated in several choice locations around this sweet island for a little longer!

I’ll let you know when I get a response from the French Foreign Affairs office. I’ll be going to the American Embassy in Christchurch on Monday to try and figure out a plan of sorts. I hope all is well. Sometimes I imagine that, by the time I leave NZ, the whole world will have already gotten the coronavirus, and I’ll have to contract it anyway just to be a part of society once I’m off this island. Maybe it’s best just to catch it and survive it?

I love you and thank you and wish you and the family a happy Bastille Day!

On July 10, 2020, at 10:30am, Sister wrote:

X? you are alive! It so nice to hear from you! I did not realize my last email was so cold and rigid. Sorry about that!

What guy exists that is NOT lazy and a nudnik? All the ones I’ve ever met are! Did you have to develop arthritis in those freezing conditions in the van? That is too much!

We are getting old, eh? What was that you said?

Here are some news updates that accumulated while you were cloistered up as a hermit (but not too crabby… gosh, my sense of humor is getting progressively stale as the years go by).

They voted green in my city! Our mayor is an ecologist. She is going to develop the parks and maybe make tram free for all children under 18 and other people too. That will make it easier for me – i won’t have to do all that extra multiplication in my head every time the children ask to go to Orangerie! We actually just walked there the last 2 times. It was a disaster. The eldest stepped on a bee the last time… we had to walk all the way home. Luckily a handy banana peel soothed her foot temporarily… until it kept slipping out of her sandal. Poor girl.

On Monday, the synogogue gave the children gifts, as usual at the end of the year. Hebrew books mostly… but the eldest got a surprise gift, some kind of blue-tooth earphones. The children were so excited with it; it worked with my phone. But the fourth child did not go to Hebrew school, so she had no gift. She cried in the secretary’s office – but a cute, quiet crying, she had tears in her eyes, “why don’t I have a gift, too?” so the secretary found some sticker book and gave it to her. Then she was happy.

The eldest with her new headphones forced me to figure out what the heck is bluetooth. I felt like some primitive caveman with all my lack of knowledge. She’s already better than me with my own phone! (she’s giving me lessons on it)  How embarrassing!

The eldest actually says she remembers Grandma (our mother) and trying to repeat some Russian words after her… and you! She remembers stuff I already forgot, like when Auntie slammed the door after she was playing with your bra?? There were other instances… it all seems funny now (at least to me…) when you were angry because of a pipi the second child did on the floor? The eldest actually dreamed about you a week or two ago. She said we were all in a haunted house (dirty, no light at all) and then you prayed in her dream (yes! Auntie X in the eldest’s dream was praying), and the whole house was filled with light. I hope things are OK over there! You’re so far away from everyone! 

I better go! Sorry for babbling away as we Geminis sometimes tend to do! Love, Sister

Grafitti on a water tank in Geraldine

Emails between Mother and I:

On July 8, 2020, at 2:35pm, Mother wrote:

Today, as never before, please, stay put where are you! Read the news from the Babel, the USA. I do not see any improvement, not in the COVID-19 numbers, not in the political shifts.

The head of the country – is stupid. His policies are harmful to the country, for our lives, health, business, promised happiness. Money for the people and unemployment lost in Kushner’s and Trump’s many companies’ deep pockets. The unemployment rate is growing, as is homelessness, the random crime and racism. I do not believe I am living in this kind of time, I thought they were finished and past away in my Grandparents’ lives. 

Please, my Darling X! Do everything which is in your power and what is LEGAL to stay in New Zealand, appeal to the right instances, people, offices. I know how much you hate bureaucracy and meaningless running from one to another but no one could do it for you today, just you. Please, be kind to yourself and stay there now. Wait for the changes in this country. Hopefully for good. You know. You know the rest. Love my precious daughter with all of my heart, Mother.

On July 12, 2020, at 7:36am, Mother wrote:

Hello, X! Shabbat Shalom to you! I hope you are alright. 

I saw your pictures on Instagram. Such beautiful places. Please, be safe, keep yourself healthy, write to me if you need help. Help me help you. But stay there as long as you may do so!

I saw another article today: they want to free 8,000 criminals in in California because of the corona. You are so much safer there, so much more! Ain li milim! I am speechless! I miss you. I wish I could hug you and hide you. But it is so much better for you to be in NEW ZEALAND today than in the USA. People are crazy, dying like flys and still do not wear the masks! Some Karma is boomeranging the USA for all the racism and hypocracy they did to me, to you, to blacks and to native Americans. I do not know other interpretation for all this. Love, Mother.

Looking at the Southern Alps from the Canterbury Plains

On July 13, 2020, at 6:19am, Mother wrote:

How right you were!

On July 13, 2020, at 6:31pm, I wrote:

Hi Mama, 

Of course I’m right – I’m YOUR daughter!

Ha! I knew a nonviolent revolution could succeed! Tell me, how did they pull it off? Did the rebels band together and march on the White House? Was it an internet coup?

I hope you are doing well? I guess I will stay here for 3 more weeks, at least. I seem to say that every 3 weeks! I’m back in the north part of the south island for the warmer weather. I still don’t know what to do or where to go. I hoped there would be more clarity after Mercury went out of retrograde, but there isn’t, and I’ve had delays in my travels. I think I can put off my life in the US a little longer. I am not sure that I can afford a life here, but so far I am ok, I think. I need to figure out how to check my savings account, and then I can tell you whether or not I have a money problem.

Thanks so much for offering to help! But I do feel guilty – the money is yours and I am wasting time here. I need to find a solution where I don’t have to take from you.

I heard that some states are closing again. Are you ok? I hope that you are enjoying the summer a little? It must be so nice and warm there!

I know it’s been a while since I wrote, but there’s not much news. I’m still floating around the country… You’ve seen the pictures! I’m in a town called Geraldine, for another night anyway, and then maybe I will go find a warm beach further north. Not that warm, though! It really is winter here.

I bought a space heater at a thrift store, and I’ve been taking it into all my hostel rooms because they are stingy with heat here. This room doesn’t even have a heater! And it’s a nice place, too – you would like the chandelier in the bathroom. Thank you for your letters! I love to read them, even if I am lazy on responding. It is good to know what’s going on over there, and I’m glad you think I’m in the right place for now. The tourist visa that I got when I arrived is good for 2 years, actually. I’m just not supposed to earn money. Well, these poor Kiwis are trying to restart the tourism business here with no tourists, so I guess I am helping their economy as much as I can with my American dollars. At least I’m doing one productive thing here!

I love you very very very much!!

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July 9, Journal and Correspondence

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July 2, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

On July 2, 1:13pm, the Mormon wrote:

How are you going? Sleep better I hope?

1:27pm – Hi Yes! I got 9 solid hours last night! How are you?

1:28 – Should I come over or are you working?

1:32 – Just finishing off the bottom of the field then ill be free. Say 1 hour we go for a walk down the lake wig the dog then we can hang out for a bit?

1:33 – Ok! See you then!

Emails between Mother and I

On June 15, 8:16pm, Mother wrote:

The most precious thing in my life! How do you do? Should I even ask?!

Before I will forget all those many words: About the taxes: file for an extension online. Go to the free IRS website and file form 4868 – so the penalty will be lower, or none. You have time before July 15th to file it so you will be out of their hook and have space to breathe.

2- Your ex-mother-in-law. No, I didn’t talk to her on the telephone, she spared me this torture. She reached me via Facebook. Oh! Truly! Why you? Out of all the children and relatives she has, she chose you to cry on your shoulder? It is strange to me. At the same time your ex-husband is bragging there he has 2500 jumps! Why he is not at the bedside of his dying grandfather? She calls you to come to sit at his bedside from NZ? I am dumb or I do not see the logic here. 

I think something else there went wrong, it is all about the money, maybe they are all fighting for it already now and she feels isolated and treated unfairly? Do I care? I feel sorry for a person in her situation, but not more than this. Also, she was very nasty to me and you, in general, even when she thought she is “nice” to you! Keep in mind. It is maybe, he put you in his will and she tries to wiggle, extort it from you? Just a random thought.

When you receive it, [IF] say: thank you, God, it is some righteous judgment there, in the Heavens! Take it and go into your new life! If not, well! Say thank you, God, I knew one grandfather whom I loved and it is good. 

About the grandfather. My dear! If he has stage 4 lung cancer and a stroke… I’m not sure you will be able to see him if you try come here just for it. It is a lost cause if taken to account his age. It is all noble of you, but …strange is the fact that she reaches you and no one else! After her mother passed away they had a big fat birthday party for him. I didn’t see you on any of those pictures! Some hypocrisy there is going on. Countryside mentality, I never can understand it. 

3- So, make this reason to come to the USA the last thing on your list. His life, very long and happy life is over. Your life is in front of you. Let him go in peace. Now you are in the tunnel of time where you are the most important person in your life whom you should cherish and think about.

4- How did your father send you money? I have an idea to send you some money, so you don’t have to deal with him. You must tell me some things like addresses or numbers? I was thinking about the Moneygram? DO not worry about it – it is extra money, that I got from Father when he sold the house. In a sense, it is your money, too.

5- Oh! I am so happy that you started to write! You are good at it, you are the best in it from all people I know! Good luck with it! Oh! I am so happy to hear it! It will make you happy! I told you, money is not a problem, ok, it is a big problem, but it is solvable! But, to find the time to write – it is difficult – and you have it as a gift! I am glad you are using it so creatively! 

6- before you come here tune-up to the news on the USA motherland and make the plans for your trip back home accordingly! See: where are floods, fires, unrests are here – Now it looks as though in the northern states there are fewer problems, but you do it according to the news. Now it is too early to talk about it.

7- do not worry about the money or your trip. Worry today about today’s problems. Tomorrow – God will give you means and wisdom to solve tomorrow’s problems.Yes! I am so glad that you are in NZ now! and a bit more. Maryland is stable now, for a week. So they think to open the state on or after June 22, today I heard.

8- about the July 12th -if you like this date for your return – do it. I will look at what my usual astrologists are talking about and come back on it to you later on it – too many of them! but trust your guts! Be courageous! Do it and be glad about your decisions!

Next month, if it will work, I will try to send you some more money, so you do not have to feel limited. I am glad you got some good warm clothes! Why you went to the south and not to the north where you said is warmer? It is cheaper here? Or there were the traveling restrictions? Don’t worry – everything will shape up. Eventually. It always does.

Have a wonderful day! Good luck with your writing! Maybe it is your happy future, who knows? I love my baby so much! God bless you in everything you think, create, do, planning. God will guard you, save you, and light your way to freedom. My prayers and my heart is with you,
Love, Mother

On July 1, 5:34pm, Mother wrote:

My dear?!

If you forgot about Mother’s existence, I didn’t about yours! I hope you are safe and healthy. How are your writings are coming along? Are you enjoying your new project?

I assume, you are reading/watching the latest news from the USA, that why you do not communicate with me? Also, I understood you do not want any help from me?! Nu, X, you are an adult young lady. I assume you know what to do. Or, you are angry because I am poor?! I have no idea why you are do not want to communicate with people who care for you for real, not fake.

Do you want to come back now, or in Autumn? Please, let me know a month or two before it. I must talk to the office to be sure that you will have space here in the building. With me, maybe, you would be able to live about a month before they notice it and it is legal, but you are used to such wild freedom – with me you will feel suffocated. I am afraid I will irritate you with my presence, my habits, words, whatever differences we have not according to your book of proper Mothers.

I love you this way or another, but you are different now. Excitement will wear out in three days and then you will notice I don’t conform to your standards. Me? I just want you to be happy, satisfied, have peace in your heart and your soul.  I always wanted it, but it is not enough, huh? You must remember, I am in a different phase of life. It still surprises me, but I am 65 years old lady! I never knew I can live for so long! Nevertheless, my Granny lived up to 93 or so, and her grandmother up to 111 or 112, when her husband left this world young, at 108! 

If you need help, you must let us know about it. We are here for you. Do not tell it too late when we will be unable to do something to be helpful. Reset your connectivity with the world, it is about time.

I enjoy your pictures. A lot. However, they are all taken in such desolate places, like you are alone in the wilderness. It makes my heart sink to the first floor when my body is still stuck on the seventh floor. Can you have a safer way to have fun? 

Have a beautiful enjoyable day! God bless you in everything you do, you think, you decided to do. As I said before [blame on my intuition, again!] taking the route which is parallel to Canada, or in Canada, and then down around the Great Lakes, New York, Maryland. I feel it is a safer way home. But you are the smartest person in the room, I trust you’ll do it right. 

My prayers and my heart with you. Love my baby, love a lot, and some more, Mother

On July 2, 5:22pm, I wrote:

Hi Mama! I did my extension – thank you! I filed form 4868, and it was a small challenge, but thank you so much for helping me. I still don’t know what to do. The psychics were right – there has been a resurgence of the virus. So, all I can think of is to wait to come home until July 13, when Mercury goes out of retrograde. I have no better information upon which to base my life decisions!

I don’t know if there is anything here for me in NZ. I’m done with the guy I was dating, and I can write from anywhere in the world. I don’t really want to go to the U.S., but what else am I supposed to do? 

How are things in Maryland? Have you been out in public? How is your partner? And his mom?

On July 2, 6:10pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! My dear! My partner is alright. He had the corona, he got it from Mother who had it from his sister, who didn’t wear the mask. I got it too, but I think the blood type 0 [could be?] helped me. So I am always washing my hands and wearing the mask in public.

But my partner had it stronger, and his mother the worst of all of them. I think I had it twice because each time before it I would have a dream of the coronavirus as a symbol of death in my dream: he looks at me and I look at him without blinking, he sees I am not afraid of him and he passes away.

My partner’s heart is in NY, with mother. He is rarely here. His car is broken now, it would be in the garage for a month because they have to change the engine. He feels obligated to take me to the grocery store. I buy the groceries, he is not so generous, yet. Nudnik. I am glad you got over with the forms and taxes! Congratulations! It is the worst! I love you, My prayers and my love are always with you, Have a nice day! 
Mother

On July 2, 6:59pm, I wrote:

Sorry, I didn’t finish my letter and accidently sent it. I stayed on the South Island because I heard that the ferry to the North Island is fully booked until September. Maybe it’s true, but I thought I would spend time with this guy, and now I am sick of him. He is a nudnik.

So, I have no good reason to stay except for avoiding America. Is that a good enough reason? Maybe I should face my responsibilities and real life again, but I don’t really have a real life in the US.

I don’t feel good about taking your money. You earned it, and you should enjoy it – maybe a lovely vacation! Or keep it for a rainy day. Enjoy it! Don’t worry, I will come crying to you if I really do need money. I don’t know how much money I have left. Probably enough. I really have no idea what to do or when to leave. Maybe that’s a sign that I should leave? We’ll see how the lunar eclipse goes tomorrow. I wish I could be more helpful. I know you would like to know when I’ll be home, but I don’t know.

I hope you are enjoying the pool and some wonderful summer sunshine! I love you! X

On July 2, 8:54pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! My dear! It is true! Leave the nudnik behind! It is the worst type of people, they suck you into their nudniking state and you are lost there – from my own experience! It is hard to unglue yourself from this state!

Looks to me, you didn’t see the latest news. It is 50,000 new cases in one day, Wednesday, in the USA. People are stupid here, nothing new.

What I think, if you’re not sure about the USA, maybe go to your sister in Europe: it is a less dangerous place to be, and see if you can help your little sister with her children? Take some load from her shoulders and enjoy the school of ducklings, huh? Then, maybe, you will find a right ideas for your own future actions? Also, for me, it is will easier to worry for you all if you are in one safer place. It is just an idea.

You have your own relationship with your sister and it’s so complicated! I wish you both would be less touchy when it comes to the relationship between each other, I even do not know where to start with this problem. One thing I know – you both need each other so badly, but both are so proud that you will never admit it not yourselves, not to each other, not the world!

Just lose this guy, make a space for a better person in your life. Did I think, also, maybe, you can apply to some school there in NZ? But, it also costs money! OK, don’t you mind me! 

On July 13, I am afraid some states will be “closed”. One of them is California. Maybe you shouldn’t come there in July. Talk to your sister, see what is going on; maybe it is the least painful landing for you at this time.

I am thinking more often now: How it comes, that you landed in NZ, the “clean” country from the corona out of all the countries in the world? When here the pandemic is going in circles like crazy? What does it mean? Does God hide you from this disease? Are you are so much more precious in God’s eyes that we even ever know, appreciated it?!  Does He have something so much more important for you to do in this world than just be in NZ? What is His purpose for you?

So far, staying in New Zealand looks to be a reasonable solution to your problems. I am still convinced that NZ is the safest place on the Earth today [I do not know what will be tomorrow, but the USA is for sure the hell on the Earth today] Maybe, God did guide you there to save you?! I think, the more time you are in NZ, the less you would like to come to the USA. 

We are so nearsighted we know nothing about what is going on with us! But God sees all our lives from a different perspective, and also, He is Merciful, and a kind God; He is not a human, He is a Holy Creator of us. He loves us, doesn’t matter what we do, we think, we scream, He has all the kindness for us, to protect us, to save our souls and our hearts and our bodies from unnecessary hurt. I think it is rather a blessing that you landed there, a miracle, maybe, if you take to account the combination of circumstances how you got there. God is Merciful, my Darling X. I think I am starting to understand His plan for you: He wants just to save you from what is going on in the USA.

Maybe, this period of humiliation and tragedy is just over and you are ready to say to it: “bye-bye”!? Bye-bye to your ex-husband, to death, to loss, to sadness… And start a new blank page with peace in your soul and mind, with experience to reject the evil, with openness to just goodness.

I do not know. I do not know what you should do. But I am sure when you will know it, I will know it, too. I will support you 101%.

But the nudnik must go, you need space to think and create your dream, yes, one astrologer said: Be courageous and dream big because all that would be given to you.  It is a sun coming into your house, so you will see a light and with it the understanding of your situation. She also said to not lend your money, be quiet about your affairs, totally quiet about your plans, beware of backstabbers, watch that someone will not steal something from you in the beginning of July. Keep your money for yourself; you will need it later in the year. They are jealous, with their drool from their mouths for your money.

I am at home because I do not have licenses or a car, no passport, and everything is closed, anyway. My personal nudnik just promised me the vacation, but his heart is in NY, with mother. But at least he got a smaller storage room, so, on the weekend we moved all the canvases and the rest of the boxes there into the new room, which is 10X5 feet but costs 4 times less!

Also, thank you, X, for the exercises, you showed me for the nerve which goes from the spine to the legs. I do it often, or else! No, the pool I am not enjoying, or the gym room: they are closed due to the corona. If you staying in NZ just because to avoid the USA – it is the best reason to stay put there. I am sure it will be better there for you later [when the cold will go away]. 

I just worry so much: you are coming here for what? The USA does not have work for you, in fact for another 40% or so of Americans now. There are no benefits, no job for you here now! Just misery! And the same homelessness that you experience there. My partner said you may apply for the food stamps, but you will be on the very bottom of the list.

People are fooling around with signs: BLM! and others are with weapons or the loops for hanging. So stupid! They didn’t solve the 400 years old problem and now the LAND here is like a disease, open wound here! It looks like we are on the brink of the revolution or something like this. It is not your problem. If you can, wait there for them to calm down, then come, when it will be some normality here. If you will tell the truth to the NZ government that you just afraid to come back now to the USA – they will understand you more than you know it. They see the news more than you and they know more what is going on here! It is just you that is oblivious!

I wish you would have a real friend and not a nudnik on your side there!
God bless you, He would save you, I am sure He has a purpose for you. He has for everyone. He will reveal it to you soon. It is just a time in your life, like a… gum. It will be stronger, more stable, I am sure of it.

OK. The last pictures you took of the ocean and those spheres are so beautiful, it feels that your mood comes better. It reminds me of the art of some Asian artist who doing art and destroying it as a part of the creative process, part of the artistic performance; as here the water of ocean would erase your artworks later… It is some symbolism in it.

What you say, huh? I love you so much, my heart is bleeding for you. But one is never to know what a great plan or projects God has for you. Let us trust Him. He is a faithful God, only that I know from my life experience.
The rest… we will see and understand later when the blinders will fall off our eyes. Just do not be frightened, be strong, confident. Because you are not alone: mine and your father’s [I am sure of it!] prayers are with you. Also, God is with you. With Him, any situation is always a winning situation. God is always with you to bless you, your mind, your heart, your soul.
I love you, Mother 

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June 15, Correspondence

Emails between Sister and I

On June 1, 7:43pm, Sister wrote:

Hello! I forgot to wish you a happy Shavouot! It is already passed, but today; June 1 2020, is Pentecost Monday in France, nothing is open, so it reminded me. These holidays always have beautiful weather over here. God bless you, Sister!

 https://youtu.be/NrsCej6SVxM

On June 5, 2:12pm, I wrote:

Dearest Sister,

Hello! Mama wrote and said you were sick with a virus – I hope you are ok?! Of course I worry about you and the family in such a populated area. Have you been to the doctor? Does the honey help? I’m so sorry, I wish I could help. Actually, maybe I can – let me know if there’s anything I can do. Maybe I can even fly to you if you would like that?

I just heard that my ex-husband’s grandfather had a stroke. It’s hard. I love him – he’s such a loving, strong male influence in my life (better than Papa, by a long shot). He’s helped me, especially with my dog, Rogue, and he really listens to me (unlike most men). Should I run back, as my ex-mother-in-law hopes, to be by his death-bed?

He’s the only one of that family that I care for, and I know I should just let them go. But I am so loyal to my stupid heart. I want to help – I know I can help – but why? Stupid love. It always overwhelms me and distracts me from doing anything productive for myself.

And what am I doing here? Drifting around aimlessly with an English bloke and wasting money. I might as well do that in the States, right?

Sister, fight this virus! Rest well! I hope you have good nourishing soups and stuff. I will pray for you. And this English bloke is a Mormon, and he says he can get other Mormons to pray for you, too. He’s a little weird, but adorable. And I’ll have to break up with him because I’m paying for everything and he talks too much.

I have to make all the decisions for 2 people – he has no input and a lot to say. A man-child, I guess. And I guess that’s why I’ll run from New Zealand; maybe soon.

I tried living with him in his caravan for a week, but it was very cold, and the owners of the property said I couldn’t stay, so here we are, drifters. Ridiculous.

I don’t think there’s anything here for me. You’re so lucky to have a stable base. Please feel better soon! Sorry i haven’t written much lately. Stupid Mormon. I love you!

On Jun 6, 9:48am, Sister wrote:

Dear Sister, I do not know exactly what the headache and fever were from. I did not say it was coronavirus, but maybe? Today, my partner, out of the kindness of his heart, made a very delicious beef stew. Plus, we had some cherries. My headache diminished after that (almost completely gone), I felt more energy, and the fever disappeared.

Who knows? Maybe it was just a lack of iron. I did take a spoonful of honey, it was very delicious, it helped too. I stopped coughing. We took a walk despite rainy weather, and went home to light Shabbat candles as a family. As usual I have to keep the two eldest children from being pyromaniacs🙄.  

Gosh the owners of the property are lame. What kind of help is that- they just kicked you out in the middle of winter? It doesn’t seem too pleasant to be in a cold caravan either. You are certainly roughing it.

I did not realize there are British Mormons. I though they didn’t drink caffeine. Tea is lighter than coffee though, and a British Mormon probably couldn’t drop that. I loved JD Fitzgerald’s Great Brain books, so after I found all in the series, I also got his books “Papa married a Mormon” and “Mamma’s boarding house”. They are a tad more violent/ adult content books, but the same writer, so I enjoyed them.

My eldest devoured all the Great Brain books- I guess those books spoiled her – she was less interested in Roald Dahl and had almost zero interest in French books. I feel bad about it because I have no direction to give her in French literature, except boring college texts… I liked Phèdre.. but it’d be too much for her age.

What is happening in America is interesting to the whole world. They had some manifestations in England, in France too, against police brutality. Even in my city, I think my partner said, in front of the American consulate, they walked on their knees to protest.

Are you sure you would come to coronavirus capital in France? I know Frenchies are not yet allowed to go out of France. I think to come into France it is still complicated (quarantine). Maybe since you are from NZ they’d be nice about it though.

I don’t know what to suggest about your ex-grandfather-in-law. I tell my third child: stop getting distracted… just find your goal… and do it. (it is like pulling teeth to get her to finish whatever she starts – even that delicious stew or the cherries). That’s the advice I’ve been recently cranking out, so I’ll try to sell it to you, too😋. 

That is nice your dude is cute and all, but honestly! He needs to man up and pay his part! It is hard enough being a woman, even without social inequality – just having a woman’s body is simply quite painful – a little gratitude on his end would be nice.

I will pray for you to have direction and make the right decision where to go. I know my partner used to pray for you when you were in conflict with your ex-husband; he was scared your ex-husband could kill you with some of those guns. Take good care of yourself,

Shabbat Shalom
Love, Sister

Emails between Mother and I

On June 7, 9:50am, I wrote:

Hi Mama!

Wow – that’s very cool of the DC mayor to paint ‘Black Lives Matter’ on the city streets! So, what do you think? Is the US safe now?

I haven’t made any solid plans for a flight home, but I’m spending so much money here. I have to do something differently. I’m up in the north part of the South Island again, because it’s warmer here! I wanted to visit the North Island, but the ferry is booked until September.

Also, I found a nice Englishman for company, but he’s not a keeper. It’s been hard finding a cheap place to stay. The kiwi harvests are in, though, and there’s cheap fruit everywhere. We’ve been eating tons of golden kiwis. I love you!

On June 7, 12:40pm, Mother wrote:

I love my daughter!

He-he! About the Englishman I knew, it is in your horoscope. Also, it said that you will figure out some ‘secret’ about him, as if he is a ‘married’ man or some other lie and will decide to shovel him out of life if even you had plans to marry. It is alright if it is in the stars. 

The next will be a better catch! It will be always better. According to my life experience! But I like the fact, that you are together today, you need support in the foreign country. Also, I think it is lucky and a beautiful country! It is hard to get a real working visa in order to lead a dignifying life there?

I assume you didn’t apply for a visa until now, huh? Do not be afraid, go ahead, try! It just feels strange and frightening, but you never know it until you try it – it doesn’t cost money, but may bring some income so you will feel better about yourself, though.

People are people there – they would understand you and your situation if even your own [divorced!] parents tell you to hold on horses and do not come now! About the money. I talk to your father last month he said, proudly, that he is supporting you financially in the NZ. Is this true? Then why money is a problem? Say: Thank you, Papa! And use his generosity while it lasts!

It shouldn’t be a problem. I think, with the horrifying experience of divorce you lost the perspective of the world and the sense of self-security. Do not worry about money. Never. I know, it sounds crazy, but this what my mother taught me, I think from her experience.

All the time you are alive there would be money for you to survive. It is not a teaching of the “rich dad” who would teach you to save, collect money, become rich, and some more… It is the words of a person who stayed alive in the circumstances when other people lost the hope and gone under the water. What I try to say: now – this is a crisis and not just in your life: you are the lucky one.

It sounds surprising but so true! You are in NZ! Your life is safe from the strange and evil disease, from the cops, from the horrific unrests, as if GOD took you into His hands and carefully placed you there for the time being. Your goal is to solve the puzzle of survival in NZ side of the world. That how I see it.

About the question: if it is safe to come back and when. It is a serious question and deserves a serious answer. Let us do some research. Now, my partner is in the car on his way to NY [what is new?]. He said to me there is some four stages plan to re-open the country. Now we are on the stage One, although, people are opening the businesses, which is maybe not very wise, but are people are tired of self-isolation.

He will see how it works in the government’s many papers and graphs tomorrow and tell me. He thought maybe in Autumn, but then it would be a second wave of it. But he is the one who must see from every possible angle before he says something.

He is a nudnik but at least, trustworthy. One just has to learn some patience lessons with him and then everything falls in the right place. It is good you didn’t do something definite about it so you would have some flexibility. I know, it sucks, defeats the whole purpose of following the Sun as it was planned, but it is a small price to pay, believe me.

When it will be all over you would look back and say: Praise the God! It was a very good experience for me, though! I am glad you are in the warmer place now. If you can go to an even warmer place – I will be just glad for you: at least there would be a little baby step towards the Sun in this journey for you! 

I love the fact that you eat kiwi a lot, and the fruits are cheap now! It is good for your constipation problems, sorry, I cannot find a prettier word for it. But I thought about it a lot, that you may be suffering from it because of your irregular schedule of life. 

I love you so much. If you ever knew how much. I have never worried about your sister to this extent. Please, be safe, be smart, wise, protected. Think about your personal safety first. The rest would fall into the place itself. God bless you, save you, guide you, give you His wisdom, and ease of understanding of the situation. I love you so much, and some more. 

Maybe, it is a time for you to write this book that you hold in your mind, heart, huh? You have a lot of time now, do the best with it!
Be in touch, Love,
Mother

https://news.yahoo.com/university-washington-forecasts-145-000-020151153.html

On Jun 13, 2020, 5:55pm, Mother wrote:

How do you do, babe? Is it clearer your journey today? 

One day I saw you in my dream: you were looking for your horoscope, or teaching it over the internet, and telling me abruptly: “Be quiet! Don’t you see, I am busy?!” 

Then, I got an idea, what is new? I listened to several ladies and gentlemen for your horoscope, and they are do not know each other, but essentially telling the same: you have some love, but after you realized the lie he is feeding you, don’t be sorry about it: kick his ass out of your life so you can make a space for real love with fulfillment, love, understanding, the real thing in September -Oct.-Dec. [there were three cards, but of course! I forgot them, but they are all good and kind to you.]

Second, they mentioned about the plans to travel to faraway lands. [What a surprise!] You would see, the plans are scrambled, but don’t worry, it is good to not travel because there is some corridor of eclipses from June 5, to June 22, and July 5. It is not a good time for travel, especially by air. [several of them said.]

And try to not be on a road a lot these days, and be aware of the sharp objects. It is time to relax, reflect on what you learned in the past 12-18 months, make the conclusions, and go ahead [as: not backward]. Those lessons were spiritual, not for physical life. They called it: karmic lessons. If you graduated, got some more self-esteem, self-awareness, that you will not have to go back, but come to nirvana, according to one of the lecturers.

However, another said that if you have something to change in your outer look that you wanted to do for a while, but was afraid, wasn’t sure; do it in June. It would be successful and you will be so beautiful and love yourself. It would be reflected in your image and will draw to you the right, kind, good people that you need in your life. It could be a haircut, some cosmetic stuff, spa, or whatever is connected with your look.

Yes, another, the previous lecturer, not with the connection to Leos, but about something else he talked: We sat in isolation so long and we need the haircut. Go cut it as short as you can for your face because in the length of our hair we are accumulating the sadness of the past – cut it away and feel free of its load!

I am, too, gonna cut my hair. Do not worry, and be safe, I love you, my Darling. You are always in my heart and in my prayers.

Do, and do not be sorry about your decision: it is done because I decided such! You will be so pleased with yourself and your decisions! But do not do them on the empty place: listen to the news, understand them, draw the conclusions. Make plans and maps of your actions. If you have to stay in NZ until September, so be it! Father is not leaving you in limbo.

Oh! It reminds me, one of them said: be vigilant in June: someone looking for your money, to steal, do not give anyone the opportunity to do such a crime! Save his karma from this sin! Kick his ass before he would have an opportunity! Good luck! Those things I wanted to share with you for your goodness. 

Also, you probably already saw some emails from your ex-mother-in-law. She asked me yesterday to call you and ask you to call her. I think, her Dad is in bad shape and she thought you are in the country, so she can ask you the favor to stay with him. [as if she doesn’t have a very big family, children, and their families as well!] Or, she just wanted to cry on your shoulder, as if she doesn’t have anyone else[?]

But I sound clinical, and it is maybe not good. She wasn’t nice before and now I do not know how to react when she is in such trouble! I wish I could be helpful. From another side, I feel like in the situation with my relatives: the moment they would finish using me they would do something so backstabbing so I will remember never to show up and remind them with my presence of the worst, miserable, and most shameful moments of their lives.

So, I said kindly that I am sorry about the situation with her dad. Also, that you have had respect for Grandma and Grandfather since you were in college! It is not corona. He had the last stage of lung cancer and now, ten days ago, he got a stroke. But you maybe know it better than I did. Also, I said yes, I will tell you all of this, but you never call me either, just once or lesser a month! When you will call I will tell you it all.

Please, be safe, be beautiful, be wise. God bless you in every moment of your life, in any direction you go or think. Enjoy this country while you can. Each moment counts. I hope you went to the north of the country and not the south, where it is cold for you, huh?

Love you. Yes, she said [another one of the horoscopes]: it is such a bad year for everyone – with 5 eclipses in it – to marry or to get pregnant. Do not marry or get a child this year so the memory of 2020 will not be imprinted on its DNA and karma. I don’t know! I maybe shouldn’t listen to them.

But if you remember, once, the one Russian said: it will be a revolution in the USA. I thought: how much one should have a brainwashed hatred towards the USA to tell such stupidity from the blue! Look at us today! I do not believe my eyes!

But I am glad – it is long overdue: the Time has come. Also, I am glad that you are not here, you are young, you would be mingled in between all of them and everyone is so righteous! Oh! Maybe, God just stuck you there in order to save you?! Maybe, He has better plans for you that we even can imagine?! Maybe, God loves you more than we ever imagined?! Who knows?! Just God does.

Also, another one said: it is a year of the global changes and new, higher spiritual vibrations. We will feel it after the middle of June. Trust your intuition but be vigilant about nosy people who are too much into your business. Maybe, it is for me, too? I am also a too trustful person, it is embarrassing to admit! 

In June it is starting a new cycle of 60 years – on a new vibrational level, whatever this means. Whatever was important before will be not anymore, it would be a shift into different priorities and perspectives. But you maybe know it better, because you did all of this labor of the cleansing.

OK, this is it. Be in touch, tell me where are you now? How do you do, feel, what is on your mind? Yes, they all said that June is not a good time for traveling, but a time for relaxing, observing, and thinking. A lot. OK, Please, be safe, be happy, maybe, you can find some synagogue there, huh? Just a thought. Love, love a lot, and some more, Mother

On June 15, 2020, 2:53pm, I wrote:

Hi Mama!

I’ve taken a break from the Englishman (he was annoying me) so I could have some time to think. I’m in a nice room with a kitchen in the southwest corner of NZ, but it is too cold and rainy to explore the area. I’m getting used to the cold, and I found some great wool clothes in their secondhand stores for $2!

Papa did send me money, but it isn’t enough. I don’t want to deal with him, so I just shut up and said thank you. He sent me a total of $2500, which seems like a lot of money! That was 2 months ago, and I gave the lodge $500 for keeping me through lockdown, and spent $750 on the rental car. I’m struggling to find rooms cheaper than $50 per night – it only takes 20 nights to waste $1000. And food is expensive, too.

I can’t solve the puzzle. It’s the exact same puzzle in the United States, though. I guess I have to come home? I got an email from my ex-mother-in-law about her father and his stroke. I feel so bad for him. I should go back and be by his bedside or something.

I do find it strange that my ex-mother-in-law needs so much emotional support from me, especially since I’ve been trying to distance myself. I’m sorry that you had to talk to her on the phone. Thank you. I know you are so good at being there for people when they need help, and I hope it wasn’t too negative for you.

I will look for a ticket home sometime after July 5 – I might as well wait for a day when the stars are aligned in a good way! On July 12, mercury goes out of retrograde, so maybe I should wait until then! Oh! But my taxes! I should get home earlier to do them. 

Well. I haven’t really made much progress in the 4 days that I’ve been alone, but you will be happy to hear that I am writing. Feel free to prune any plants that you need to – I am just happy if anything survives! Thank you!

I hope you are doing well? We are down to level 1 lockdown, with no new cases in NZ! I’m so proud of us! I love you!

Emails between my ex-mother-in-law and I

On June 5, 2020, 11:15am, Ex-mother-in-law wrote:

Hey girl, just a note to give you an update on Dad. Today is Thursday. On Monday, Dad had a stroke. It was very scary and I’ve been quite upset about it. Obviously we had to take him to the emergency room and he was admitted. He is hopefully leaving on Friday to go to a nursing home for a short stay to get some physical therapy and speech therapy.

The stroke was the type that only affected his expression. This means he cannot speak well at all nor can he write to tell us what he wants or can he gesture to tell us what he needs. Some therapy may improve this a little but probably not a whole lot. It is going to be very frustrating to care for him if he gets to come home.

We really did not want to send him to a nursing home, but both his doctors highly recommended it for a short stay to help improve his physical ability to make it safer for him to come home. Once we do bring him home it will probably be under hospice care so that I have some help in taking care of him. Even before the stroke he was going downhill very rapidly.

I’m so sorry to be the one to give you this bad news, but I knew you would want to know. The part that is really hard is that we can’t even see him in the hospital, and once he transfers to the nursing home, we still can’t see him or be with him because of the virus. We may be able to do window visits at the nursing home.

Please let me know as soon as you are back in the area. I’m sure you might want to try and visit. His time is running out. 😥😥 Love you.

On June 13, 2020, 1:59am, I wrote:

Oh my God!

Sorry, I just saw this – I hope Grandpa is recovering well. I’m so sorry to hear about his stroke – that must have been so frightening. How is he? Is he back at home yet? How are you doing?

I am so worried for Grandpa. Thanks so much for letting me know. I will be back in July – not sure if I’ll have to do 2 weeks of quarantine or not, but I’ll let you know as soon as I can see you and Grandpa. I just can’t believe it – Grandpa is supposed to be strong forever.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Much love to you both, X.

On June 13, 2020, 2:39am, Ex-mother-in-law wrote:

No he is in nursing home for now. Could be a few weeks. I hate that I can’t go see him. We can do phone calls and visit at his window. You stay safe and let me know the minute you are home. 

On June 12, 2020, at 9:59am, I wrote:

Will do! It really sucks that you can’t visit him properly. Hope he’s starting to get better. Take care of yourself, too.

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May 26, Correspondence

On May 14, at 2:20am, Sister wrote:

Hi X! Thank you, I got the package from New Zealand today! what a surprise!! Manuka honey is so special and healthy! The chai looks delicious…  I loved the note written on the receipt – a relic from New Zealand. I totally understand because we had the same paper crisis.

The stores are  starting to open up.. yesterday I finally bought a pack of paper for school and drawing. We also had to be creative before. The kids were writing their schoolwork on the back of some coloring book paper (to take photos and send to the teacher). They might not go to school until next September.

I took the tram today. Masks are mandatory, plus they glued a sign on every other seat so people will not sit in them. I like the arrangement – who wants to sit close to smelly strangers anyway?

I am just guessing you were tired of Mam’s and my own foolishness. I got wind of that sensation the other day.. sometimes mam goes on in circles about armegeddon.. it was too much and I am not sure how to respond. Then I realized I did the same to you.

well, coronavirus restrictions are lifting here, but the crisis is still bad in the US. I am starting to feel hope and relief, but mama is probably feeling how I did 2 months ago. But they found coronavirus has been circulating in France since late december, before China declared its  emergency.

How have you been? is everything ok? is the flight home fixed? I hope you are well. I have to calm the children down.. my deal was some chips if they will choose a movie they can agree on (and let their father get some sleep!!)
Love, sister

On May 23, at 10:16am, I wrote:

Yay!! The package made it!! I’m happy and only a little surprised! I sent it 2 days before lockdown because i wanted to make sure you guys got the honey. It really is healing inside and out.

I put some on a pimple; it disappeared, i put some on a frightening itchy red spot between my toes; it disappeared, and i even tried it on a monstrous cyst that was appearing on my chin way under the surface; it disappeared after one application of about an hour!

Sorry i haven’t been responsive. You never bother me! I always enjoy your emails! With Mama, it is always a matter of life and death, and i must agree with her, or else i’m stupid and evil. You abstain ever so kindly from that craziness – thanks! 

Actually, i met an english bloke, and we’ve been hanging out for the past few weeks, so i’ve been too distracted to be a responsible human being. My ticket is still set for the end of May, but i don’t want to go. But the obligations at home are starting to pile up! Once again, i am lost in indecision. 

The rational part of me knows it will be very difficult to make a living here. I see how people struggle to find jobs, and there’s not enough money in the economy to support an artist – especially a foreign one. I’d probably end up working at a restaurant or hotel, which is fine for a year, but i’m too old for stupid jobs. what about retirement?

But it’s the same thing almost in the US right now. No jobs, more fear. People are cool here. But my mailbox and my appointments at home! But what if i can never return to NZ? This is such an amazing place. See, i even said it “N-Zed” in my head!

I don’t know what the right answer is. I’ve been praying on occasion, and “July” was the most direct answer, but it’s getting cold here, and the Englishman lives in an uncomfortable caravan. Level 2 lockdown ended about 2 weeks ago, and i left the lodge almost immediately to stay with him.

I think you would like me to stay here! I would, too. But what am i supposed to do? I will be out of money soon, so i can’t be a tourist for much longer.

The Englishman is sweet, but he talks too much. His place is a little… rustic, shall we say. There is a toilet and shower building about 100m away from his caravan, and there is hot water there. For his place, we get water from the tap outside and boil it in the electric kettle for innumerable cups of tea. It is so so cold though, and it’ll only get colder.

I mean, it’s a wooden box he’s living in, not a house with insulation. I think it’s time for me to go home and try to fix my problems. I will probably be covert about it and not tell Mama exactly when i’m back. It’s been a relief not to have to visit the parents regularly. Maybe i can just do my chores and head west again without telling anyone.

My ex-husband’s mother keeps emailing me, wondering when i’ll be back. I’ve been polite, but i know she just wants me to look after her father so she can take a break. Maybe that would be a good gig? I’m sure they’d pay. Life is so unclear.

You are lucky to have a solid plan: take care of the kids. That gives you some sort of frame to put your life in. I’m lost and floppy. Well, i have to go. Sorry for the strange letter So much love to you! And the kiddos! X

Ps: i wonder which movie the kids agreed on? Do they like cartoons?

On May 24, at 12:55pm, Sister wrote:

Hi ! Yes- the manuka honey is very appropriate at this time. I think you should know I secretly hoarded it in the closet so no butthead would climb shelves and dig in while I am sleeping, or else dump spoonfuls in hot tea, thus destroying raw honey properties.

I always considered the manuka honey as medicine. I broke it out today since my partner was starting again with lungs hurting / coughing fit. He had recently met people that had “healed” from coronavirus ( they had it maybe a month or two ago). You never know with this disease. they say it returns. maybe this is proof? Anyway, the honey helps.

I am surprised, I thought you had cut off all ties with your ex-husband and his family after the divorce. Ok, I don’t know, i guess if they’d pay it is a good incentive? what a weird relationship. First they raised a crocodile who destroyed the best years of your life, and now they are hinting to you take care of their grand dad.  Sorry, I’m just trying to put 2 and 2 together to make sense of it all. Pay is good, though.

if i was you i would pray for direction. this is a special time in your life you actually can find a foothold in this country, your excuse is ; “I don’t want to go to the US now, its infested with coronavirus, plus a stupid president” Maybe the NZ embassy would help.

It is ALWAYS difficult to start in a new country. But your language is the same, at least. If you file with the government and get all your social rights , you can pull through better than in the states. Their social system has got to be better, right? i am not a citizen, and I am not working. i am still getting retirement and health care, which is more than i can say for america. it is a bad country to be alive in, the states, especially now. I hope you got the US government check at least???? Why do they send checks anyway? so people like you can’t get them? in france checks are so old fashioned, the government simply wires money.

Papa said he wanted to send my photos on a CD to me. I had JUST TOLD HIM that I do not have a computer for the millionth time. I would rather he stop send me Super book and other nonsense, save his postage. It is frustrating to do schoolwork without Computer – the eldest kid is just not doing her computer technology lessons, because we can’t . I told him several times. It is about 7 years already i am cobbling things together without computer or printer. So I told him:

This reminds me of the time I told Mama I wanted to send a music CD to our ancient Russian auntie, Totya Lina. She gave me a funny look and said: “where will Totya Lina put your CD? in her butt?”. That is because Totya Lina apparently does not have something so new fangled as a CD player. It is the same in my situation. Where would I put a CD with all the photos? in my butt? I don’t have a device to read a CD at all.

Don’t worry about writing back right away,  you have a lot to do, well i completely understand if you want to keep your homecoming a secret. I’ll cooperate!!! i will keep a secret as long as you want. i learned long ago some things are just not worth discussing with them. I better go now! Good night, Love, Sister

On May 25, at 3:16pm, I wrote:

Hi Papa! Thanks so much for sending the $500 – it is greatly appreciated!!

So, i finally decided (just last night) to stay here for another month. I wanted to be home to see the spring flowers, but everyone is telling me that there’s no good reason to go to the states right now. Thanks so much for your advice and kind words – it’s so wonderful to have your understanding with making these decisions. 

Besides the chillier weather, i think it will be easier and safer to be here. NZ has only had 12 deaths! Well, they only have 5 million people, too, and isolating a couple of cute islands is a lot easier than isolating an entire continent. I hope you and Sue are still safe and happy at home! Are you able to go to services yet?

How are the spring flowers doing? I wish i could see and smell some big white peonies – i hope you can enjoy that for me! I’ve made a few friends in the Wanaka area, during lock-down and in the 2 weeks since we moved to level 2 lock-down. I think I’ll be able to stay with two or three of them, a week here and a week there… You know how it goes!

And now that we can travel again, i’m going back to some of my favorite spots, like the Nelson area up north. It’ll be warmer there! I’m so glad that the shops are open again! There’s no shortage of wool here, so I’ll get some more socks and the warmest pants i can find. I miss the lodge! It was such a great spot! But really, NZ is full of great spots and i can’t get enough of these epic mountain views.

Although i feel anxious and a little guilty, like i should get back to “real life”, i guess that doesn’t exist right now in the states, so I’m grateful to be in this lovely corner of the globe. 
Love, X

On May 26, at 10:51am, Father wrote:

Hi X,
I’m relieved that you made the decision yourself, and that you didn’t feel compelled to return to the States too soon. I’m glad that you chose to stay in NZ.

The news is calling this “the new normal”. It’s not normal at all. Many are jobless and it may be difficult for you to get a job back. Some have received deposits to their bank account from the gov’t while out of work, but that won’t last long. There have been long lines for food distribution for those in hardship.

Another concern is that the news is reporting that, during the Memorial Day weekend, many went on leave from the social distancing, especially at the beach and picnic areas. The president ordered all states to comply, for the opening of churches adhering to social distancing. Our church in had outside services yesterday.

Both my partner and I are doing fine.
Love,
Papa

On May 26, at 12:32 PM, Mother wrote:

X Sheli! How do you do? How is life in NZ?! It is too cold for you there now, huh?! It is summer here [skipped somewhat the spring time]. If the swimming pool will be open – I will believe it, though!

Where are you now? do you have new friends? how is your diet? Are you still a vegetarian? Oh! How is your stomach? Are you controlling your constipation? I hope the food choices there are more healthy than it is here, huh?

Oh! X, did you managed to change the ticket?  If you did – I am so, so, so glad for you! 

I remember now, my Grandmother was unassuming deaf to both ears person, so she didn’t talk a lot in the public, in their own little society. But people hated her guts, some of them, of course.

My Grandfather was a very tall and very handsome man-oh-man! So, a lot of them thought it is so unfair that she is having him, so there one more reason, too. but all this aside. She has this ability to predict the things which will become. No one wanted to hear it.  

The same is looks to be happening here, I have this inner feeling about the things to come and everyone is laughing [as my partner does] or starting to be angry at me as if I do it on purpose to spoil the fun or something. I have this urge to tell, to prevent if it possible of what is coming.

I think that what happened with me, the urgency, the inner push to prevent you to come here in March, April, … I remember, almost physically pushed you, preventing you from coming this way… and now – you can see what has have happened to this man in Minneapolis! Those people are evil and are no-goodnicks! I am crying each time I think about him [George Floyd].

You are was so angry with me, I willing to take it, it is a small price to pay for me – what is important – I prevented you to come here in all those months including May! I know, by now you missed home-sweet -home who wouldn’t?!

But it is good that you have to listen to me, to the reason, maybe, to other people and slowed down. maybe, these people’s and the monster’s unrest will calm down… Now, they say, that when it is hot weather, the virus is not so eagerly spreading itself. I hope your week ahead of you will be pleasant, blessed, safe, and in general, happy!
Love my precious baby! Mother