Tag: God

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July 22, 2020, Journal

This is almost impossible. Almost. But for the Divine, nothing is impossible and the improbable is hilarious.

I got to Pohara Beach yesterday, (just outside of Takaka) and I like it here. Being alone has given me the gift of slowly reconnecting to my faith. That sounds Christian. That is not at all what I mean.

Faith is essential in yoga, and if I follow any written rules, it’s those in the yoga sutras1. Clearly, brahmicharya2 (abstinence) has been a problem for me recently. Faith in a higher power, ishvara pranidhana3, is the last in the list of 5 niyamas4 (observances) that tell us how to take care of ourselves in order to enjoy yoga (union).

This is how we align our inner moral fibers so that they, as well as our muscles and nerves, can be an efficient conduit for God. Everything doesn’t have to be aligned perfectly for the spine to be a divine superhighway, but the more of your being that is set straight and smooth, the more inviting of a pathway it is. It’s just a matter of allowing enough linear space within you to let the river flow. It took me a decade.

That superhighway, once built, has always been there for me, but it can be difficult to access if you allow the weeds and brambles of the world to obfuscate the path. It’s best to keep it in good repair with daily maintenance: yoga, meditation, oil massage, time in nature, correct eating and sleeping habits… All these observances take up about half of my time, money, and attention. Just so that I can get high from feeling a strong current of God pulsing through me.

Is this wrong somehow? It feels so good to carry a live current in my spine. Feeling heaven must be wrong.

Ishvara pranidhana is when you surrender to being the wire and you let your life whip wildly across the cosmos as that live current sizzles home to itself.

Where did it start? When I made the decision to go north to Takaka last week? When I decided to extend Pup’s life by a year with evil surgeries? When the great human chessboard of the Covid-19 Lockdown was set into position in March? When I slept with Moshe in April? Is this because I made a wrong turn back in Nelson two days ago and ended up at a hippy crystal shop buying weirdo crystals like vanadinite and apophyllite?

This morning, I spent an hour searching the internet for my next safe haven. Following the path of least resistance (well, more accurately, of least investment), I found a very inexpensive room in Westport on AirBnB. There’s always a very good reason why a room is inexpensive, and at the peak of winter in the South Island of New Zealand, that reason was often a lack of heat. That wasn’t the case with this particular room – the host specifically mentioned a space heater. I scoured the listing. A kitchen, an indoor bathroom, a comfortable-looking bed, access to the washing machine… I kept scrolling down… where was the reason? Perfect reviews… a pleasant suburban location… the page ended with a profile of the host. His photo had been taken from a distance, so his round face occupied no more than 24 blurry, brown pixels.

Nevertheless, my heart lifted and I smiled at the certainty of our confluence. Yes. That One. And I knew that was the reason. There’s always a reason.

The room in Westport wasn’t going to be available until the following night, though, so I had to find shelter in Takaka one last time.

Did God take the reins today in the café at noon, when I read an ad for discounted accommodation at a local hostel? When I decided to have the half-price chocolate-hazelnut croissant that has given me no end of belly cramps? As I smoked a mostly medicinal joint in the alleys between route 60 and Motupipi Street? When I rolled into the parking lot of Takaka’s tourist information center5 around 2:34pm? Did I make even one single decision today? Ever?

Carmen’s wheels hadn’t even settled into the parking spot I’d chosen before a dented mustard-yellow caravan pulled into the lot. It parked near the pay showers, and I thought I saw a familiar face through the windshield. Impossible.

I tried and tried for a better look as I walked up to the tourist information center, but all I could see was a pair of eyes watching me over the caravan. I couldn’t be sure because it was almost impossible. I mean, the odds are so slim. In this exact town, at this exact time? Highly improbable.

As I spoke to the woman at the front desk about my options for accommodation tonight, I found it hard to remain the dutiful tourist. The woman (Yvette, if her name tag is to be trusted) had a bright, earnest presence, like a high school girl friend that could keep any secret. Nervous with the impossibility of this moment, and excited by this rare chance to converse with an intelligent, friendly woman, I kept peering out the window to confirm the impossible. I think the isolation of the Covid lockdown was my excuse for telling kind Yvette every detail of my amorous adventures in Otago. Everyone was hungry for interaction. It was so exciting to tell my story and to be able to point out one of its characters in this very parking lot! He hid behind the caravan for a thousand years, rooting around for showering supplies until I gave up. Then I saw his face for a moment when he came around to the back of his caravan – yes!

It was him! It was Moshe from the Lodge! I’d travelled almost 800 kilometers and almost 11 hours to get away from my lovers in Lake Hawea. The one Israeli that I slept with during the lockdown was somehow a few dozen steps away. And he seemed to be avoiding me.

Clearly, the universe wants me to have sex. I can’t escape my dharma. Neither should he.

Doubt and that old fear of having a twisted and untrue perspective came up to my surface. Do I accept this dance from the universe? Or is this another cosmic joke?

“The bay has a way of bringing people together,” Yvette said, as serious as a witch. She was lovely and young, and she had this job because she has experience in this town.

I want to understand how it works. How do certain places hold and direct energy? Does it have something to do with astrology or geology or our own flawed search for meaning? I struggled with my determinism as well as Moshe’s, and asked Yvette whether or not I should approach him.

Yvette told me that I’d only seem creepy if I came from a creepy place, so I squared my shoulders, opened my heart, and went outside to talk to him. It appeared as though Moshe was in the shower. There were two outdoor stalls along the back edge of the visitor center parking lot, just to emphasize New Zealand’s thoughtfulness. They cost more than the showers we’d had at the Lodge during Lockdown, so I imagine that Moshe was taking every advantage of this luxury, as it appeared that he’d been living in his van. If he ever did emerge from the shower, he’d probably feel a little vulnerable. Waiting for him would be creepy, so I dared to leave a cheerful note under the windshield wipers and drove off.

And fuck if he didn’t call 3 minutes later. I almost didn’t answer, but I did. We chatted vaguely about our adventures over the past month. Moshe had explored the eastern edge of the South Island and was heading west, like me. Because I told him that I was staying in Takaka that evening, he assumed that I’d be there indefinitely. It wasn’t necessary to correct him. Moshe was on the move, and I felt a sense of relief that our relationship was so tenuous.

We’d had almost 2 months to form a bond during lockdown, but our age difference had made it easy to escape into our own respective languages and cultures, so that bond was slender and weak. I wanted a nice Jewish boy! But Moshe is really still a boy. He’s almost half my age, and frankly, he’s boring. Although I knew that it would make him infinitely more delectable, it would be unkind to show him the darkness and decay of maturity. There was really nothing else to say. I imagined him shrugging his wide, young shoulders as he closed with the hope that I might see him in a few days when he drives back through Takaka.

I won’t. That ten-minute conversation resurrected an ancient distrust of God and His Plan. As far as I can tell, the Plan involves continual mistakes and misinterpretations on my part in order to entertain the jaded Divine. This cosmic game, this lila6, has no object… How can I have faith in such devilry? It seems like allowing God to direct my life has run me headfirst into a brick wall.

Yvette seemed to think that there was unfinished business between us, but I think Moshe’s instinctive response to this afternoon’s chess board configuration was actually the wisest: duck and cover.

The golden hour in the rural hills around Golden Bay.

1 https://www.judithhansonlasater.com/writing/2014/11/20/tb7p1jhvohw7l9s03w3e6wxxtooy4p

2 dlshq.org/teachings/brahmacharya-celibacy/

3 https://www.ekhartyoga.com/articles/philosophy/understanding-the-niyamas-isvara-pranidhana

4 https://www.yogapedia.com/definition/5142/niyama

5 https://www.goldenbaynz.co.nz/directory-listings.html?id=148

6 http://www.mahavidya.ca/2017/12/27/lila-in-hinduism/

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July 2, Correspondence

Texts between the Mormon and I

On July 2, 1:13pm, the Mormon wrote:

How are you going? Sleep better I hope?

1:27pm – Hi Yes! I got 9 solid hours last night! How are you?

1:28 – Should I come over or are you working?

1:32 – Just finishing off the bottom of the field then ill be free. Say 1 hour we go for a walk down the lake wig the dog then we can hang out for a bit?

1:33 – Ok! See you then!

Emails between Mother and I

On June 15, 8:16pm, Mother wrote:

The most precious thing in my life! How do you do? Should I even ask?!

Before I will forget all those many words: About the taxes: file for an extension online. Go to the free IRS website and file form 4868 – so the penalty will be lower, or none. You have time before July 15th to file it so you will be out of their hook and have space to breathe.

2- Your ex-mother-in-law. No, I didn’t talk to her on the telephone, she spared me this torture. She reached me via Facebook. Oh! Truly! Why you? Out of all the children and relatives she has, she chose you to cry on your shoulder? It is strange to me. At the same time your ex-husband is bragging there he has 2500 jumps! Why he is not at the bedside of his dying grandfather? She calls you to come to sit at his bedside from NZ? I am dumb or I do not see the logic here. 

I think something else there went wrong, it is all about the money, maybe they are all fighting for it already now and she feels isolated and treated unfairly? Do I care? I feel sorry for a person in her situation, but not more than this. Also, she was very nasty to me and you, in general, even when she thought she is “nice” to you! Keep in mind. It is maybe, he put you in his will and she tries to wiggle, extort it from you? Just a random thought.

When you receive it, [IF] say: thank you, God, it is some righteous judgment there, in the Heavens! Take it and go into your new life! If not, well! Say thank you, God, I knew one grandfather whom I loved and it is good. 

About the grandfather. My dear! If he has stage 4 lung cancer and a stroke… I’m not sure you will be able to see him if you try come here just for it. It is a lost cause if taken to account his age. It is all noble of you, but …strange is the fact that she reaches you and no one else! After her mother passed away they had a big fat birthday party for him. I didn’t see you on any of those pictures! Some hypocrisy there is going on. Countryside mentality, I never can understand it. 

3- So, make this reason to come to the USA the last thing on your list. His life, very long and happy life is over. Your life is in front of you. Let him go in peace. Now you are in the tunnel of time where you are the most important person in your life whom you should cherish and think about.

4- How did your father send you money? I have an idea to send you some money, so you don’t have to deal with him. You must tell me some things like addresses or numbers? I was thinking about the Moneygram? DO not worry about it – it is extra money, that I got from Father when he sold the house. In a sense, it is your money, too.

5- Oh! I am so happy that you started to write! You are good at it, you are the best in it from all people I know! Good luck with it! Oh! I am so happy to hear it! It will make you happy! I told you, money is not a problem, ok, it is a big problem, but it is solvable! But, to find the time to write – it is difficult – and you have it as a gift! I am glad you are using it so creatively! 

6- before you come here tune-up to the news on the USA motherland and make the plans for your trip back home accordingly! See: where are floods, fires, unrests are here – Now it looks as though in the northern states there are fewer problems, but you do it according to the news. Now it is too early to talk about it.

7- do not worry about the money or your trip. Worry today about today’s problems. Tomorrow – God will give you means and wisdom to solve tomorrow’s problems.Yes! I am so glad that you are in NZ now! and a bit more. Maryland is stable now, for a week. So they think to open the state on or after June 22, today I heard.

8- about the July 12th -if you like this date for your return – do it. I will look at what my usual astrologists are talking about and come back on it to you later on it – too many of them! but trust your guts! Be courageous! Do it and be glad about your decisions!

Next month, if it will work, I will try to send you some more money, so you do not have to feel limited. I am glad you got some good warm clothes! Why you went to the south and not to the north where you said is warmer? It is cheaper here? Or there were the traveling restrictions? Don’t worry – everything will shape up. Eventually. It always does.

Have a wonderful day! Good luck with your writing! Maybe it is your happy future, who knows? I love my baby so much! God bless you in everything you think, create, do, planning. God will guard you, save you, and light your way to freedom. My prayers and my heart is with you,
Love, Mother

On July 1, 5:34pm, Mother wrote:

My dear?!

If you forgot about Mother’s existence, I didn’t about yours! I hope you are safe and healthy. How are your writings are coming along? Are you enjoying your new project?

I assume, you are reading/watching the latest news from the USA, that why you do not communicate with me? Also, I understood you do not want any help from me?! Nu, X, you are an adult young lady. I assume you know what to do. Or, you are angry because I am poor?! I have no idea why you are do not want to communicate with people who care for you for real, not fake.

Do you want to come back now, or in Autumn? Please, let me know a month or two before it. I must talk to the office to be sure that you will have space here in the building. With me, maybe, you would be able to live about a month before they notice it and it is legal, but you are used to such wild freedom – with me you will feel suffocated. I am afraid I will irritate you with my presence, my habits, words, whatever differences we have not according to your book of proper Mothers.

I love you this way or another, but you are different now. Excitement will wear out in three days and then you will notice I don’t conform to your standards. Me? I just want you to be happy, satisfied, have peace in your heart and your soul.  I always wanted it, but it is not enough, huh? You must remember, I am in a different phase of life. It still surprises me, but I am 65 years old lady! I never knew I can live for so long! Nevertheless, my Granny lived up to 93 or so, and her grandmother up to 111 or 112, when her husband left this world young, at 108! 

If you need help, you must let us know about it. We are here for you. Do not tell it too late when we will be unable to do something to be helpful. Reset your connectivity with the world, it is about time.

I enjoy your pictures. A lot. However, they are all taken in such desolate places, like you are alone in the wilderness. It makes my heart sink to the first floor when my body is still stuck on the seventh floor. Can you have a safer way to have fun? 

Have a beautiful enjoyable day! God bless you in everything you do, you think, you decided to do. As I said before [blame on my intuition, again!] taking the route which is parallel to Canada, or in Canada, and then down around the Great Lakes, New York, Maryland. I feel it is a safer way home. But you are the smartest person in the room, I trust you’ll do it right. 

My prayers and my heart with you. Love my baby, love a lot, and some more, Mother

On July 2, 5:22pm, I wrote:

Hi Mama! I did my extension – thank you! I filed form 4868, and it was a small challenge, but thank you so much for helping me. I still don’t know what to do. The psychics were right – there has been a resurgence of the virus. So, all I can think of is to wait to come home until July 13, when Mercury goes out of retrograde. I have no better information upon which to base my life decisions!

I don’t know if there is anything here for me in NZ. I’m done with the guy I was dating, and I can write from anywhere in the world. I don’t really want to go to the U.S., but what else am I supposed to do? 

How are things in Maryland? Have you been out in public? How is your partner? And his mom?

On July 2, 6:10pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! My dear! My partner is alright. He had the corona, he got it from Mother who had it from his sister, who didn’t wear the mask. I got it too, but I think the blood type 0 [could be?] helped me. So I am always washing my hands and wearing the mask in public.

But my partner had it stronger, and his mother the worst of all of them. I think I had it twice because each time before it I would have a dream of the coronavirus as a symbol of death in my dream: he looks at me and I look at him without blinking, he sees I am not afraid of him and he passes away.

My partner’s heart is in NY, with mother. He is rarely here. His car is broken now, it would be in the garage for a month because they have to change the engine. He feels obligated to take me to the grocery store. I buy the groceries, he is not so generous, yet. Nudnik. I am glad you got over with the forms and taxes! Congratulations! It is the worst! I love you, My prayers and my love are always with you, Have a nice day! 
Mother

On July 2, 6:59pm, I wrote:

Sorry, I didn’t finish my letter and accidently sent it. I stayed on the South Island because I heard that the ferry to the North Island is fully booked until September. Maybe it’s true, but I thought I would spend time with this guy, and now I am sick of him. He is a nudnik.

So, I have no good reason to stay except for avoiding America. Is that a good enough reason? Maybe I should face my responsibilities and real life again, but I don’t really have a real life in the US.

I don’t feel good about taking your money. You earned it, and you should enjoy it – maybe a lovely vacation! Or keep it for a rainy day. Enjoy it! Don’t worry, I will come crying to you if I really do need money. I don’t know how much money I have left. Probably enough. I really have no idea what to do or when to leave. Maybe that’s a sign that I should leave? We’ll see how the lunar eclipse goes tomorrow. I wish I could be more helpful. I know you would like to know when I’ll be home, but I don’t know.

I hope you are enjoying the pool and some wonderful summer sunshine! I love you! X

On July 2, 8:54pm, Mother wrote:

Oh! My dear! It is true! Leave the nudnik behind! It is the worst type of people, they suck you into their nudniking state and you are lost there – from my own experience! It is hard to unglue yourself from this state!

Looks to me, you didn’t see the latest news. It is 50,000 new cases in one day, Wednesday, in the USA. People are stupid here, nothing new.

What I think, if you’re not sure about the USA, maybe go to your sister in Europe: it is a less dangerous place to be, and see if you can help your little sister with her children? Take some load from her shoulders and enjoy the school of ducklings, huh? Then, maybe, you will find a right ideas for your own future actions? Also, for me, it is will easier to worry for you all if you are in one safer place. It is just an idea.

You have your own relationship with your sister and it’s so complicated! I wish you both would be less touchy when it comes to the relationship between each other, I even do not know where to start with this problem. One thing I know – you both need each other so badly, but both are so proud that you will never admit it not yourselves, not to each other, not the world!

Just lose this guy, make a space for a better person in your life. Did I think, also, maybe, you can apply to some school there in NZ? But, it also costs money! OK, don’t you mind me! 

On July 13, I am afraid some states will be “closed”. One of them is California. Maybe you shouldn’t come there in July. Talk to your sister, see what is going on; maybe it is the least painful landing for you at this time.

I am thinking more often now: How it comes, that you landed in NZ, the “clean” country from the corona out of all the countries in the world? When here the pandemic is going in circles like crazy? What does it mean? Does God hide you from this disease? Are you are so much more precious in God’s eyes that we even ever know, appreciated it?!  Does He have something so much more important for you to do in this world than just be in NZ? What is His purpose for you?

So far, staying in New Zealand looks to be a reasonable solution to your problems. I am still convinced that NZ is the safest place on the Earth today [I do not know what will be tomorrow, but the USA is for sure the hell on the Earth today] Maybe, God did guide you there to save you?! I think, the more time you are in NZ, the less you would like to come to the USA. 

We are so nearsighted we know nothing about what is going on with us! But God sees all our lives from a different perspective, and also, He is Merciful, and a kind God; He is not a human, He is a Holy Creator of us. He loves us, doesn’t matter what we do, we think, we scream, He has all the kindness for us, to protect us, to save our souls and our hearts and our bodies from unnecessary hurt. I think it is rather a blessing that you landed there, a miracle, maybe, if you take to account the combination of circumstances how you got there. God is Merciful, my Darling X. I think I am starting to understand His plan for you: He wants just to save you from what is going on in the USA.

Maybe, this period of humiliation and tragedy is just over and you are ready to say to it: “bye-bye”!? Bye-bye to your ex-husband, to death, to loss, to sadness… And start a new blank page with peace in your soul and mind, with experience to reject the evil, with openness to just goodness.

I do not know. I do not know what you should do. But I am sure when you will know it, I will know it, too. I will support you 101%.

But the nudnik must go, you need space to think and create your dream, yes, one astrologer said: Be courageous and dream big because all that would be given to you.  It is a sun coming into your house, so you will see a light and with it the understanding of your situation. She also said to not lend your money, be quiet about your affairs, totally quiet about your plans, beware of backstabbers, watch that someone will not steal something from you in the beginning of July. Keep your money for yourself; you will need it later in the year. They are jealous, with their drool from their mouths for your money.

I am at home because I do not have licenses or a car, no passport, and everything is closed, anyway. My personal nudnik just promised me the vacation, but his heart is in NY, with mother. But at least he got a smaller storage room, so, on the weekend we moved all the canvases and the rest of the boxes there into the new room, which is 10X5 feet but costs 4 times less!

Also, thank you, X, for the exercises, you showed me for the nerve which goes from the spine to the legs. I do it often, or else! No, the pool I am not enjoying, or the gym room: they are closed due to the corona. If you staying in NZ just because to avoid the USA – it is the best reason to stay put there. I am sure it will be better there for you later [when the cold will go away]. 

I just worry so much: you are coming here for what? The USA does not have work for you, in fact for another 40% or so of Americans now. There are no benefits, no job for you here now! Just misery! And the same homelessness that you experience there. My partner said you may apply for the food stamps, but you will be on the very bottom of the list.

People are fooling around with signs: BLM! and others are with weapons or the loops for hanging. So stupid! They didn’t solve the 400 years old problem and now the LAND here is like a disease, open wound here! It looks like we are on the brink of the revolution or something like this. It is not your problem. If you can, wait there for them to calm down, then come, when it will be some normality here. If you will tell the truth to the NZ government that you just afraid to come back now to the USA – they will understand you more than you know it. They see the news more than you and they know more what is going on here! It is just you that is oblivious!

I wish you would have a real friend and not a nudnik on your side there!
God bless you, He would save you, I am sure He has a purpose for you. He has for everyone. He will reveal it to you soon. It is just a time in your life, like a… gum. It will be stronger, more stable, I am sure of it.

OK. The last pictures you took of the ocean and those spheres are so beautiful, it feels that your mood comes better. It reminds me of the art of some Asian artist who doing art and destroying it as a part of the creative process, part of the artistic performance; as here the water of ocean would erase your artworks later… It is some symbolism in it.

What you say, huh? I love you so much, my heart is bleeding for you. But one is never to know what a great plan or projects God has for you. Let us trust Him. He is a faithful God, only that I know from my life experience.
The rest… we will see and understand later when the blinders will fall off our eyes. Just do not be frightened, be strong, confident. Because you are not alone: mine and your father’s [I am sure of it!] prayers are with you. Also, God is with you. With Him, any situation is always a winning situation. God is always with you to bless you, your mind, your heart, your soul.
I love you, Mother 

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April 18 – Day 24, Correspondence

On April 18, 2020, at 2:48PM, X wrote:

Hi Sister! That last letter was brewing for a while, but i wanted to quickly thank you for the news and the adorable photos of the kids!

It is so cool that you put treasures inside real eggs for them!! They must have had so much fun breaking them open. You’re such a good mama!

I’m in a good spot here, i think – the population is small, and we’re all doing a good job of isolating ourselves, but of course i will take extra precautions. Thanks 💛

I will finish the other letter soon – sorry for being slow. I love you!

On April 15, 2020, at 6:44AM, Sister wrote:

Dear X, I know how humiliating and hurtful it is when Papa does that. He did the same to me around February. I had asked him for some money because we never had a vacation since… well… as long as I can remember.

The children do not know what a beach is. They have seen beaches in pictures and ask if it really exists. They never rode in a plane, train, or even car, or been in a hotel. Well, the car was trashed when the oldest was a baby, so technically, she was in the car but it was so, so long ago that she does not remember it at all. It was by no means a vacation though- it was a doctor’s visit for eczema.

Year after year we are stuck in the same city, because we haven’t the means to do better. So when I explained all this, Papa actually offered $3000 also- which was more than I thought he would give, too. I started getting all excited, making plans…  but in the end, he decided not to. His excuse was he always has to ask his wife’s permission for money transfers. 

I was totally humiliated too . I asked the same questions you are asking: why offer the money in the first place? does he need attention? No one seemed to understand. But now he is playing the same tricks on you, without even leaning on his wife for an excuse.

I guess it was so long ago for Mama, so when I complained to her, her response was a tad numb. My partner maybe thought it was funny. but I felt and still feel deeply hurt by Papa’s technique.

When a person promises something to you – and backs out, even though he is more than able to help – it is no different than stealing. I felt quite the same as when the random dude stole my camera with my children’s irreplaceable photos.

So from my experience, don’t take any guarantees from Papa. Don’t even expect an inheritance… just protect your heart from getting trampled on. 
I’ll answer the rest of your letter when I have time. I had to send this message urgently so you’d have something to brace yourself against. You are not alone! I better run

On April 18, 2020, at 6:19AM, Sister wrote:

Hi X! I finally had a moment to sit down and read more thoroughly your litterature – it is so very true about the parents!

About your roommate: you think the stink might come partially from sugar? I made an amazing discovery: when I cut out sugar ( and white flour and white rice, etc…) my stinky stink mysteriously vanished.. I did not need deodorant or even baking soda.. but if ever I have the urge or obligation for something with sugar or refined carbs, I have to use deodorant.

Well, good luck with that one. maybe you can powder her clothes with baking soda when she’s not looking.. not sure if it will help though.😒

Actually about a month ago I told Papa that I felt he saw me as a child, without responsibilities, like I don’t have a family to take care of. He said it is “not true”. But whatever. You felt it too… so maybe it is not all in my head..

I can’t stand people like Trump who are so sure of their lies that nothing is clear to me at all. They have so much in common. Trump and Papa both married some Asian looking woman. Then Trump’s own face looks like Papa’s wife’s ( how could she and Papa NOT love Trump?) both are narcissistic.

Papa uses money ( whatever power he has) to humiliate people. Trump withdraws funding from the WHO to humiliate them – though what he accused them of doing, was his own crime. Trump writes his own name on the next check to Americans, as if it is from his own pocket, and not the taxpayer’s. And Papa – well, you know. they both crave praise. They are both spiritual on purpose in front of an audience.

I just want to see the end of the matter. I want to know if their lies are a figment of my imagination, or if God saw their acts and words in the depths of my humiliation.

It must be a drag to have winter all over again. I am impressed by the NZ prime minister.. she’s the opposite of Trump. I wish you could enjoy spring there. I bet you would be happy to live there, more than in America, if you could find a foothold away from those overly religious folk.

About the boys… sure, you don’t have to care what people think, and everyone will probably just go away eventually. But still. You do care about what God thinks of you, right?. It might not feel like God is always watching you, but in the end, all of these details will come up.

Did you respect your own body? if you did not like it when people preyed on you just for fun, not sincere love, why would you do it to someone else?  Especially in this time.

The apocalypse is nearing. it is not only Covid-19, it is the locust plague in Africa, the severe earthquakes, the tornadoes that are strangely worse than usual – all grouped together in this time. Is it not evidence of God’s wrath on the people? it is time to be so serious now , not a time to play. The angel of death is stalking the streets as I say this.

Even if I got it all wrong and the End is still hundreds of thousands of years away, everything we do and say is being recorded- but enough of my blabbering. I am just concerned for you. I know you are sincere.

Ok ok maybe it is coming through… I have to be strict because my main job is making sure my own children are on the right path.🤓

They might be back to school as early as May 11, but I doubt it. I think they will only open up the less affected areas first. We might not get back til … well… September.

This one of the worst regions for Coronavirus, just right after Paris. Plus, I deeply suspect we already got it … I feel like I’ve had weird symptoms twice already. But nothing too bad, just the same dry cough, diarrhea, which came and went. Scientists are confused too, they think people can get it more than once. I guess I’ll never know.

I am not only a tad scared to see a doctor, but it is so complicated to see a doctor in the first place. You need a special document or a video conference ( too technologically advanced for the likes of me!) .. our symptoms were not too interesting anyway. Maybe it was just too much Matzah. But … matzah and diarrhea?? whatever. maybe my gluten intolerance to matzah.

Have a beautiful weekend, if possible! I hope you are allowed to keep your shabbat freely (?) 😚Love, Sister

On Apr 18, 2020, 9:00 PM, Mama wrote:

My Darling!
I don’t know what to do with your post office problems. It is a problem, I do not have a car, and my partner is going to NY periodically, then he has to stay in quarantine for the next 14 days and then, again! [So, if you want me to go I can do it on May 3 and on]

He just must control his Mother, and she needs it, she is so helpless, her cognitive qualities are going down, she forgets to eat, to take bath…She just never forgets to talk to him every day for hours on a time!

I am afraid for him: he is not the superhero as he thinks he is he is in the “risk” category person, and he is going to the epicenter of disaster in this country.

And what about me? Something is not really right. Nu, ladno, he puts himself on quarantine for 14 days and not visiting me. OK, but I rather have him here sometimes! Also, I would like to have him alive for as long as it is possible!

Also, I know how much you are tired to be a traveler and live with the stink pile in the room! I think, maybe it is an opportunity to ask to move you to another room so she will not jump on you when her craziness will workout again, maybe, it not worth waiting for this episode to happen, huh? it is dangerous to live with some mentally coo-coo head. It is scaring me.

Also, your sister wrote me a letter and said: maybe it is for good that you are there in the safe spot on the Earth, maybe, you should think about somehow settle there for a while, huh? At least to the begging of June? When restrictions here will be lifted a bit?

Also, you are maybe relaxed there, but we are going to the store for groceries [pharmacy] only once in two weeks with masks and gloves on – it is the law now in Maryland, if not – there is a fine. I forgot it is $ 300 or $ 600 now. six feet social distancing, too. 

Lapochka Sheli! It is not flu – it is some more dangerous than we thought it is. You are just in the place where the government consists of normal people who took it seriously on time to prevent the disaster.

Here is the situation not like that, really. Some money thirsty fool is on the throne in here! His every next decision for the country is more foolish than the previous, and the one after this is one… you already think – worth can’t be it is impossible – noop! He will top it!

Also, when you come all fresh here be so careful, so diligent about your safety!

Wear your mask, your gloves all the way home! Wash your gloves and ruchki each time you come home and then, face, too. leave the shoes near the door, leave your clothes, too, near the door or wash as I do. I do a shower each time I coming from outside.

Remember 6 feet distance from every enemy on your way! It is plague and dangerous, it does not make anti-bodies! So people got sick and do not know it, ok! Lucky! Then they got sick the second time, it is harder, and than third time – it is even worse!

Do not take chances! No one is invincible!  Бережённого – Бог бережёт! God saves the one who saves himself!

Do not “try” God’s patience, it looks to me – this thing has come to the limit with the introduction of COVID-19. Just let us be wise for a while – all our life is in front of us. I do not scare you, I want you to be safe as much as is humanely possible. Turn off the panic, turn on the logic, coolness, and wisdom. That is all.

Whatever you are socializing there now – enjoy it! Here – it is a different reality! We must adjust ourselves to it and prepare ourselves for the alternated life – it will not what you left here in October. Whatever you remember – it is your past.

Just remember: our family went through so many crises – it is not fun to count them. but it gave us the strength to know – we will overcome this one, too. God made his mission – to safe us and He always saves us, doesn’t matter what happens.

He never forgets His promises to our family, to chosen people. [“chosen” people -is such an old saw, and now all those Christians love using it: “Let them sneeze on me! Nothing would happen to me! Jesus blood on me!” TV news] I hate to use it, too. But it is what it is.

I do not think, God had have smeared his blood on me, but I think He gave me the wits to think about how to protect myself from all evilness and evil people’s sneezes! So, I will use His wisdom.

DO not worry, be happy. You would come here and start the new page of your life. Didn’t you wanted to do so from the beginning, huh?! We did it so many times, we will do it again. Enjoy every day you have there, every moment, even, when it looks like someone puts brakes to your wheels – you will see it why when you turn the next corner!

God is always kind, loving, thoughtful, compassionate. Have a wonderful day! And, if those stupids do not see the handsome boy, go ahead and enjoy his company yourself!

Love, love a lot, and some more, Mother

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April 14 – Day 20, Journal

Passover is timed perfectly this year – a bright spot halfway through level 4 lockdown in New Zealand. I am grateful for the abundance of good food and good vibes.

There’s a palpable difference in the air now that Alma has disappeared. Peter says that she has to stay in bed, as the accident caused severe vertigo.

Lieutenant Christine has risen to the occasion splendidly! Christine knows order, and her voice strengthens every day as she’s learning to impose it on this unruly community. We all pitch in, with vigor and honor, if not enthusiasm. The chores are easy when there are so many hands to help. And I think we all respect her authority because nobody wants the responsibility of attachment to this lodge.

I think They are finally starting to understand that I’m not a part of their cult. I’ve always been quite honest about my spirituality; I’ll express joy and gratitude towards God without shame. This does overlap with Christianity, so I can see where i might have been misleading.

Papa is part of their cult, so they probably assumed I was indoctrinated, and that’s why they were so happy to have me. And probably why Peter gave me free wifi. I think they’re struggling to understand me – I wish they’d just ask, instead of not allowing me to teach yoga and meditation, as if that would keep things safe. I wonder if I could really channel demons in meditation. Surely that’s redundant because the Absolute encompasses both angels and demons.

Christine keeps trying to pin down my beliefs, but I don’t want to tell her that I believe that her beliefs are antiquated and misogynistic and invasive. My number one rule is still to do no harm. Ahimsa. I’ve been neatly dodging her with: “I believe that Jesus was a good guy, and his messages of love and peace are exactly right.”

I will challenge her very gently; just enough spine to uphold my own beliefs. I don’t want to lose my place here.

She has reverence for the wonder and beauty of her spirit, and of course it’s natural to experience that in a church. She’s trapped in her preconditioning, poor girl. This is such a delightful age; 21, and she doesn’t even see the wonderful buffet of life in front of her.

After the Seder, I was far enough away from Christine, Peter, and Jessica to respond truthfully when Ariel needled me about my beliefs. I think i’m still uncategorized in most of the Israelis’ minds, and that’s a barrier that i’d like to remove.

“Do you really believe like them?” Ariel asked. He’d caught me rolling my eyes during hour 2 of the PowerPoint-assisted Messianic sermon.

“Uh, no. Not at all. This was my father: these are his beliefs that he pushed on me when I was a child. So, I understand it, i know what these people are, and they mostly have good hearts. But no. These beliefs are limiting and destructive.”

“I do believe in God, but not like them. I believe God to be life force that is not restricted to one form or expression, but is limitless, and therefore in all forms and expressions. This conversation is God. I am God, you are God, the peach tree is God…”

At this point I trailed off into laughter that echoed the welcoming grin on Ariel’s face. I love him – that grin is ten miles wide, and there’s always a vague naughtiness in his eyes. He’s loud, restless, single, charismatic, and of there was a rebellion here, he’d end up being the leader of it.

This is the kind of spirit that I am grateful to witness and enjoy.

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April 6 – Day 12, Journal

I feel more things than I was taught to comprehend, so the words that I must use to describe my experiences in life are always a pale approximation of the true moment. But truth is important. And truth is stranger than fiction, and naturally more interesting.

I feel more things. I feel people’s moods and emotions when i walk into a room, and sometimes I don’t know if I’m experiencing their emotions or mine.

So, I have to be careful and discerning. When I feel something, I need to step back from that feeling (thank you, yoga) and see if belongs to me. Then, I can decide how to proceed in a given moment.

It’s taken years of being alone to understand what feelings come from me. I’ve found that I’m not that emotional anymore because every feeling is tempered and sweetened by the peace which passeth understanding.

Is it wrong, then, to eavesdrop on other people’s feelings? They don’t know that they’re oozing emotion, and that I soak it up like a sponge. And I can’t really help it. I just become inundated with the energy around me.

That’s why I’m very careful with the people and environment around me. I want to be who I am: healthy, happy, creative and completely unafraid. Somehow, I’m not strong enough to be myself in an overwhelming environment. When I’m stuck with people who are fearful or angry or twisted inside, I start to become like that, too. I can usually tell, now, which energy is mine, and which is a lie.

All of it is an untruth in some way: all of these emotions are smudges on the clear glass through which the divine within us perceives this moment, this life. To see clearly, you’ve got to clean the smudges. But I do see, I have seen, the piercing diamond clarity of God. And it seems like God enjoys the smudges because they’re interesting, because they are all aspects of God.

Being God, is it not my duty to experience the infinite?

Of course I should climb the most dramatic mountains, search out the most idyllic streams, and find the loveliest views of this grand country. Of course, I must spend hours basking in the sun and the Source, existing in the purity of nature – that’s where it’s easy to be God.

It’s less easy and more interesting to be God in a house full of different aspects of God. I am so lucky (SO lucky!!) to be amongst people who are not deeply twisted or angry or fearful. These fellow inmates of mine are kind, honest, and fun! I am endlessly grateful for getting stuck with such lovely people.

It was probably the third evening when Miriam (the mother of the little family) and I were talking over dinner about the dynamics of the group. There are 3 or 4 of the young Israelis who are less enthusiastic about cleaning, and we were considering the balance of effort in our group.

“I can tell that the girls are going to be the problem,” Miriam told me, “They’re difficult.”

She pointed her chin at Natalie, whose delicately authoritative face shone with the light of aloof youth. Did she sit more and work less than the others? Natalie seemed cold to me at first, but I somehow was blessed by affection from her. I say that completely without cynicism – her true smile was a pink rose blooming, and I am so grateful to know her.

The girls were in the minority: 10 to 12, if you count the children. Four available young men, and only 3 available women: me and the 2 super-Christians, Jessica and Christine. So, most of the women have men, and they can afford to slack off because they have their men to cover for them. They’re young; drunk with the power of fresh relationships and expendable incomes. It’s fine. They’ve all been through the army and they know cooperation. I trust these young ones to put in as much effort as I will. After all, I’m the only one taking Shabbat off. Maybe nobody’s noticed – I haven’t been called out yet.

Nobody’s perfect. Most of them are quite young – just trying on adulthood for the first time. They do well! Everyone cooperates with our cleaning duties, more or less. Nobody has a sour attitude… Except my roommate.

Jessica told me that she has some mental health imbalances like anxiety and depression, especially around her time of the month. She’s been friendly so far, and we’ve had some great conversations about hair and religion. I can see that she’s uncomfortable in this situation, though. Sometimes she’ll go inside herself, and i can almost hear the defeating, depressive cycles of thought.

Jessica doesn’t like most of the Israelis because they’re loud and irreverent. I guess i can never tell her that i couldn’t sleep the first night because she was talking so loudly with Christine in the hall until midnight.

She’s so American. Thank God for Christine. They’re great friends; Jessica and Christine, always talking, cooking, sharing, and doing their daily devotions. Jessica needs a friend like that. I think it keeps her balanced.

I went to devotions with them once. Peter and Alma have these hour-long sessions in their home every weekday morning at 9am. On the fourth or fifth day, i joined them, just to see. It was horrifically boring, just like going to church. Peter spoke at length, occasionally looking to Alma for approval. She only called him out once on the history of Babylon, and that’s when i heard the iron in her voice. As sweet as she is, there’s no doubt that she’s in charge.

We looked at Daniel, and his prophecies of Babylon or something. It seemed very important to them to make this ancient hallucination relevant to them and their sober, modern lives. It’s strange that they glorify Daniel’s visions on one hand, while forbidding meditation on the other.

I still do it. Meditate. In that state, I can feel the emotions and energy around me without letting them sink in, maybe because I’m already full with the Divine. I’m getting better, too! I can maintain my Self, even though I’m soaked through with others’ emotions.

And I like these emotions! Happy, sociable, hedonistic, adventurous, rebellious… These are the young, delightful feelings around me; this is the water in which I’m stewing. It’s a lot of testosterone. I love testosterone! It makes me giddy with joy and power. I’ve spent a lot of time with women in my line of work, and i do prefer the energy of men.

Testosterone is life-energy to me. It turns me on, gets me moving, and unleashes that fearless joy that makes life worthwhile. I crave it. I wilt without it. With it, I am complete and powerful.

If only men weren’t such dicks, I could be king of the world!

I can feel the testosterone here – so young and fresh! I’m always a little turned on. I feel alive and open and generous.

That’s probably what attracted the Mormon. A few days ago, I went for my daily walk to clear out the lodge energy and to refresh the peaceful purity of myself. We are so lucky to have these beautiful walks around us, and so lucky that we are allowed to disappear into the wilderness for hours on end with no questions asked.

He was walking his dog, Rex, and for some reason, i got pulled into chatting with him. His English accent is so charming.

We maintained our distance – 6 feet apart at all times.We walked together along the river for an hour, dipping into the woods to follow a dusty trail where rabbits burrowed thickly, like Jews in Florida. The land rose quickly, and we scrabbled up the perforated hills until we found a fine spot to sit and talk.

We spoke about the pandemic, society, revolution, and rabbits. He had a rollie, and told me he’d bring something so that we could smoke together next time. The light slanted through the dense pines and Rex dug a fine hole in the hill upon which we were sitting.

We walked back to his car, and he gave me his number, scrawled on the back of a business card that was already tattooed with the number of a Charlene.

“Never mind that,” he said, “I don’t need that anymore.” He leaned in, then remembered the virus, and then leaned back in, cautiously extending a hand. Hesitantly, I took his hand. And with that little gesture, I popped the bubble that protected our lovely lodge from the deadly Coronavirus.