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July 15, 2020, Journal
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July 13, Correspondence
Texts between the Mormon and I
On July 13, at 11:44am, the Mormon wrote:
got there ok? How are you getting on?
3:57pm – Hi! Yeah, all good, thanks.
I had the chance to visit with one of my lockdown friends!
It was so good to see her again!
But she says there are no jobs around here.
Think I might head north tomorrow.
How are you?
Texts between Drew the Drug Dealer and I
On July 13, at 7:04pm, I wrote:
Hi Drew! We met maybe a month ago and the Mormon gave me your number.
I’m traveling up your way again, and I was wondering if you could hook me up?
If not, no worries – I know this is kinda out of nowhere.
7:06 – Give me a holla when you’re in town and I’ll see what I can do
7:06 – Sweet! thanks
Emails between Sister and I
On July 1, 2020, at 7:35am, Sister wrote:
Hi Sister? Did you feel the earthquake in NZ? Are you still there?
The European Union banned travelers coming from USA. Travelers from New Zealand are allowed.
Anyway I hope you are ok
On July 9, 2020, at 4:09pm, I wrote:
Hi Sister! I hope the kids have a wonderful vacation, even though things are still upside down. They look happy!
I still don’t have a good plan. I would love to visit – thank you so much for that joyous possibility! But I checked out the travel restrictions, and they say only EU citizens are allowed to travel to France right now. I saw that they would accept more people (just health workers and students though?) after July 10, including New Zealand citizens – would I count? I wrote an email to French Foreign Affairs, and we shall see what they say! I would probably need to do 2 weeks of quarantine anyway.
The Mormon is gone, finally. He was lazy and a nudnik, and I’m pretty sure that all the good guys are taken. There’s no good reason to be here. Sorry, I wish I had some news. I didn’t even feel the earthquake! Mama is pushing me to stay here. I’ve been able to delay my taxes and yearly eye exam, so I might as well stay for another few weeks. But I truly have no idea what I’m doing here. I’ll be headed out of the Otago area (where the Mormon lives) towards Christchurch again this weekend. The Mormon was right – this place will suck you in. I think some locations are like that – our hometown, too. It’s often seemed like a black hole to me. We both escaped!!
Anyway, this hotel is nice, and i’ve been able to heal a lot in the past week or so. My back and right hip and ankle are bothering me from driving or from the cold – I am so old! Mama was right – arthritis is no good! But they have a good bed and hot showers here. I’m enjoying healthy food and a good sleep schedule and I feel better than I’ve felt in weeks. Can I blame the Mormon? Probably not.
How does the summer feel? Are people relaxing finally? I guess if hotels are closed, there are still no tourists? I finally got a haircut last week and it feels so good! I got rid of 4 or 5 inches of dead stuff. And a few days later, one Mormon.
I miss him a little. But this short and ungraceful relationship is giving me a lot to write about, so I’m so grateful for all of my experiences here. So, my days are writing and yoga and cooking now, hopefully to be repeated in several choice locations around this sweet island for a little longer!
I’ll let you know when I get a response from the French Foreign Affairs office. I’ll be going to the American Embassy in Christchurch on Monday to try and figure out a plan of sorts. I hope all is well. Sometimes I imagine that, by the time I leave NZ, the whole world will have already gotten the coronavirus, and I’ll have to contract it anyway just to be a part of society once I’m off this island. Maybe it’s best just to catch it and survive it?
I love you and thank you and wish you and the family a happy Bastille Day!
On July 10, 2020, at 10:30am, Sister wrote:
X? you are alive! It so nice to hear from you! I did not realize my last email was so cold and rigid. Sorry about that!
What guy exists that is NOT lazy and a nudnik? All the ones I’ve ever met are! Did you have to develop arthritis in those freezing conditions in the van? That is too much!
We are getting old, eh? What was that you said?
Here are some news updates that accumulated while you were cloistered up as a hermit (but not too crabby… gosh, my sense of humor is getting progressively stale as the years go by).
They voted green in my city! Our mayor is an ecologist. She is going to develop the parks and maybe make tram free for all children under 18 and other people too. That will make it easier for me – i won’t have to do all that extra multiplication in my head every time the children ask to go to Orangerie! We actually just walked there the last 2 times. It was a disaster. The eldest stepped on a bee the last time… we had to walk all the way home. Luckily a handy banana peel soothed her foot temporarily… until it kept slipping out of her sandal. Poor girl.
On Monday, the synogogue gave the children gifts, as usual at the end of the year. Hebrew books mostly… but the eldest got a surprise gift, some kind of blue-tooth earphones. The children were so excited with it; it worked with my phone. But the fourth child did not go to Hebrew school, so she had no gift. She cried in the secretary’s office – but a cute, quiet crying, she had tears in her eyes, “why don’t I have a gift, too?” so the secretary found some sticker book and gave it to her. Then she was happy.
The eldest with her new headphones forced me to figure out what the heck is bluetooth. I felt like some primitive caveman with all my lack of knowledge. She’s already better than me with my own phone! (she’s giving me lessons on it) How embarrassing!
The eldest actually says she remembers Grandma (our mother) and trying to repeat some Russian words after her… and you! She remembers stuff I already forgot, like when Auntie slammed the door after she was playing with your bra?? There were other instances… it all seems funny now (at least to me…) when you were angry because of a pipi the second child did on the floor? The eldest actually dreamed about you a week or two ago. She said we were all in a haunted house (dirty, no light at all) and then you prayed in her dream (yes! Auntie X in the eldest’s dream was praying), and the whole house was filled with light. I hope things are OK over there! You’re so far away from everyone!
I better go! Sorry for babbling away as we Geminis sometimes tend to do! Love, Sister
Emails between Mother and I:
On July 8, 2020, at 2:35pm, Mother wrote:
Today, as never before, please, stay put where are you! Read the news from the Babel, the USA. I do not see any improvement, not in the COVID-19 numbers, not in the political shifts.
The head of the country – is stupid. His policies are harmful to the country, for our lives, health, business, promised happiness. Money for the people and unemployment lost in Kushner’s and Trump’s many companies’ deep pockets. The unemployment rate is growing, as is homelessness, the random crime and racism. I do not believe I am living in this kind of time, I thought they were finished and past away in my Grandparents’ lives.
Please, my Darling X! Do everything which is in your power and what is LEGAL to stay in New Zealand, appeal to the right instances, people, offices. I know how much you hate bureaucracy and meaningless running from one to another but no one could do it for you today, just you. Please, be kind to yourself and stay there now. Wait for the changes in this country. Hopefully for good. You know. You know the rest. Love my precious daughter with all of my heart, Mother.
On July 12, 2020, at 7:36am, Mother wrote:
Hello, X! Shabbat Shalom to you! I hope you are alright.
I saw your pictures on Instagram. Such beautiful places. Please, be safe, keep yourself healthy, write to me if you need help. Help me help you. But stay there as long as you may do so!
I saw another article today: they want to free 8,000 criminals in in California because of the corona. You are so much safer there, so much more! Ain li milim! I am speechless! I miss you. I wish I could hug you and hide you. But it is so much better for you to be in NEW ZEALAND today than in the USA. People are crazy, dying like flys and still do not wear the masks! Some Karma is boomeranging the USA for all the racism and hypocracy they did to me, to you, to blacks and to native Americans. I do not know other interpretation for all this. Love, Mother.
On July 13, 2020, at 6:19am, Mother wrote:
How right you were!
On July 13, 2020, at 6:31pm, I wrote:
Hi Mama,
Of course I’m right – I’m YOUR daughter!
Ha! I knew a nonviolent revolution could succeed! Tell me, how did they pull it off? Did the rebels band together and march on the White House? Was it an internet coup?
I hope you are doing well? I guess I will stay here for 3 more weeks, at least. I seem to say that every 3 weeks! I’m back in the north part of the south island for the warmer weather. I still don’t know what to do or where to go. I hoped there would be more clarity after Mercury went out of retrograde, but there isn’t, and I’ve had delays in my travels. I think I can put off my life in the US a little longer. I am not sure that I can afford a life here, but so far I am ok, I think. I need to figure out how to check my savings account, and then I can tell you whether or not I have a money problem.
Thanks so much for offering to help! But I do feel guilty – the money is yours and I am wasting time here. I need to find a solution where I don’t have to take from you.
I heard that some states are closing again. Are you ok? I hope that you are enjoying the summer a little? It must be so nice and warm there!
I know it’s been a while since I wrote, but there’s not much news. I’m still floating around the country… You’ve seen the pictures! I’m in a town called Geraldine, for another night anyway, and then maybe I will go find a warm beach further north. Not that warm, though! It really is winter here.
I bought a space heater at a thrift store, and I’ve been taking it into all my hostel rooms because they are stingy with heat here. This room doesn’t even have a heater! And it’s a nice place, too – you would like the chandelier in the bathroom. Thank you for your letters! I love to read them, even if I am lazy on responding. It is good to know what’s going on over there, and I’m glad you think I’m in the right place for now. The tourist visa that I got when I arrived is good for 2 years, actually. I’m just not supposed to earn money. Well, these poor Kiwis are trying to restart the tourism business here with no tourists, so I guess I am helping their economy as much as I can with my American dollars. At least I’m doing one productive thing here!
I love you very very very much!!
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July 10, Journal
6:30am
A virile young couple has moved in next door at the lodge. The waves of testosterone are making me dizzy.
I’ve got to get out of here. One more bowl of oatmeal, one more orgasmic shower under the lodge’s hot, clit-punishing showerhead, and I’m out. I don’t even try to keep my moans quiet anymore.
9:25am
Turban’s kiss was as pillowy as his thick brown lips promised. They cushioned mine against the shock of their proximity; seemingly appearing out of nowhere after a long, sexually charged good-bye hug in the lodge’s communal kitchen. We pressed our lips earnestly together a few times before Turban snaked a pointed tongue into the crevice between mine. I welcomed its slickness with soft licks, and our hungry bodies pressed together indecently. Resenting every woolly layer of clothing that kept my skin away from his, I caressed his bare neck and let my fingertips slide over the back of his exotic black turban. We kissed away the long minutes until the 10am check-out time, when I had to reluctantly pull away from our warm embrace in the bright morning sun.
If there wasn’t a horny Mormon waiting for me less than a mile away, I’d have found a way to get naked with Turban. Why did he wait to express his interest until the evening before my departure? We could have fucked a lot in this past week, but it never occurred to me to make a move because Turban was the manager here, and he had been commendably professional. As it was, we only got half an hour together with our desire exposed, and this belly-melting kiss is all that we’ll ever have time for. Time is a funny thing. The story of Turban and I lasted exactly as long as it was supposed to, I guess: we were allotted one kiss, and it was delightful.
I’ll have to practice noticing and taking more opportunities for sex. It’s a shame to miss this ride when I have no fear or reticence holding me back. Shy dicks need riding, too, but only the bold ones get wet.
10:11am
I’ve just pulled in to the Mormon’s farm and Rex is running in happy circles around me. Turban’s kiss turned me on so much that I am going to fuck that Mormon limp.
He’s just walking towards me now, smiling his lopsided Wolverine smile, and my heart has flipped and melted like a chocolate chip pancake. The Mormon is everything that I do and don’t want in a partner, and I need to be safe in his sexy arms before I leave him behind in the dust. I’ve completely forgotten what Turban’s lips felt like.
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July 9, Journal and Correspondence
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July 8, Journal
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July 4, Journal
10am
I’m relishing the marvelous variety of emotions that my heart is feeling. What a gift it is to be human! My mind is trying hard to sort out the story, but I’ve relieved it of the burden of attachment.
It’s the Sabbath, and a lunar eclipse is nigh. This morning, I opened and consulted my plastic baggie full of the weed that the Mormon and I had bought in Motueka. We’d split an ounce, and half of my half consisted of one massive, sticky bud that celebrated my future joy with an explosion of plush brown hairs. The rest of my half was respectable, of course: average-sized buds and a little shake, but that one superstar bouquet was thicker than the Mormon’s cock, if not quite as long.
This morning, that large, fine specimen of marijuana was gone.
That thieving Mormon!
It must have been him. He’s the only one who could’ve gotten to the baggie. My bedroom door locks automatically when I leave, and Turban, the manager with the only master key, is way too hard-working to be an avaricious stoner. It was equally ludicrous to think that I accidently dropped the monster bud somewhere – you don’t lose something that large that easily, especially when it’s such a lovely, treasured specimen.1
I insisted upon sleeping alone last night because I’m finally getting some good rest at this lodge. Does the Mormon feel as though he deserves to stay in my warm, comfortable space because he’s fucking me? Did he steal the bud as compensation? He must know that I don’t enjoy his company, and that I’m trying to break up with him. Is this his preemptive revenge; his odd sense of justice righting the wrong of my frustration with him?
But it’s such an obvious theft. Surely the Mormon could have been more sly.
Did he lose respect for me after our vacation to Castle Hill? Or does the Mormon have some sort of compulsion? I’ve seen how naturally he takes whatever he can from the hotel rooms that I book for us: soaps and shampoos, sugar and tea packets, and even a stray towel or two. That joke about how easy it would be to ‘lift’ the TV from our room in Fox Glacier must have required a little pre-meditative investigation. There were many such jokes, and I couldn’t forget his slippery ease at breaking into our locked AirBNB in Canterbury.
The heart swells sweetly with attachment so that the keen sense of betrayal can nestle deeper, like slicing fresh bread.
My mind is spinning with this creative new twist on the story that New Zealand is telling of my life.
I think I finally have a valid excuse to visit Farmer Colin at his new campsite! He has a digital scale. I’ll tell him that I want to weigh my baggie to prove to myself that the monster bud hadn’t just magically broken up into smaller bits overnight. Farmer Colin might even share a hug of commiseration with me or some valuable advice about the Mormon’s character. Maybe these past two weeks without his girlfriend, Colette, had been a bit lonely for him.
I’d planted the seed of desire in him last week. It’s been long enough. Time to see if the seed has germinated.
2:18pm
Farmer Colin’s campsite is number 108.
I waited until noon to visit him, but I still woke him with my tap-tapping on his mustard-yellow caravan’s door. His caravan looked well in the park-like campground on the southwestern edge of Lake Hawea; its mellow yellow blended lovingly with the dry winter grass and brittle green pines. Apologizing for my intrusion, I told him I’d return when he was more awake, but Farmer Colin insisted that I stay. The shadow of Lockdown’s isolation still hung over us all.
The story of The Heinous Weed Theft spilled out after he’d dressed for the cold outside of his fluffy covers and made himself a cup of coffee.
“How well do you know the Mormon?” I asked Farmer Colin, cradling the cup of tea he’d brewed for me in my still-gloved hands. “Am I over-reacting? Is he trustworthy?”
Colin shrugged, three heavy sweaters obscuring the motion of his lithe shoulders. The heat from the fire that he’d started in his little iron stove remained stubbornly sequestered at the far end of his narrow home. His large eyes were bright with interest as he rummaged through the dusty boxes and piles squatting in the corners of his graffitied caravan.
“The Mormon’s always been straight with me,” he said, slightly furrowing his kingly brow. “I know he was in some trouble back in England, but I don’t know what that was about.”
Colin straightened to standing, his beautiful eyes touching mine.
“Sorry, I can’t even find my scales in this mess.”
“No worries.” I paused to take a swallow of the hot tea, warming my nose in its steam. “It doesn’t really matter: it is what it is. The weed is gone. Even if the Mormon did take it, he’d never admit it or give it back. I guess it’s karma2 somehow. I wish I knew what I did to deserve this.”
“Did anything happen between you two?”
“No more than usual. I’ve been less loving to him lately, for sure, because I’m fed up with his laziness. I don’t think he’s noticed. The Mormon keeps promising that he’ll get a job, but he seems quite happy to mooch off me whenever he can. He’s addicted to this sweet lifestyle that I’m giving him. As long as we’re having sex, it’s all good between us. So, we have a lot of sex.”
Groaning and laughing, Farmer Colin rolled his eyes and stretched his plaid-clad arms heavenward.
“Ah. I miss sex.”
Of course he did. A regal, virile young man like him… but it was too soon. The seedling had taken root, but the leaves had yet to unfurl.
“Yes,” I laughed with him. “Sex is kinda great. It gives me energy and makes me vibrant. That kind of connection is so vital to me. I feel like I need it to thrive. Maybe I have a problem with addiction myself.”
“Yeah, nah… You’re fine. It’s natural. I grew up on a farm, and I saw it all the time. It’s not like you’re hooked on ice.” Farmer Colin looked ruefully down at his hot, thick coffee. “We all have needs.”
“How’s it feel to be so far away from Colette after the intensity of Lockdown together?” I asked.
“It’s rough, mate.” Colin averted his gaze. “I miss her, but she has a good job up in Blenheim, and some French friends to talk to. I might go up and meet her in a month or two. It’s a long time to go without her.”
We spoke for two hours about love and life, as he downed three cups of coffee and an equal number of hand-rolled cigarettes. That sweet boy did have needs. Could I fulfill them? Not today. I’d let him simmer overnight; let the seedling reach out for sustenance of its own volition.
I’d been so hungry for this type of conversation; this kind of quick, fun repartee that lit up my neurons and opened my heart. I felt brighter, and when I left Farmer Colin’s caravan, the low sun sparkled his welcome. There would be a lunar eclipse3 tomorrow afternoon, and the naughty Earth would come between the King and Queen of our solar system. As above, so below.
1 https://wanderlust.com/journal/aparigraha-learning-to-let-go/
2 https://path.homestead.com/karma1.html
3 https://www.space.com/buck-moon-penumbral-lunar-eclipse-july-4-2020.html
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July 3, Journal
“I’m supposed to be doing something important,” I said, in frustration, to the Mormon. “Helping. Healing people or something.”
He took a drag on the joint that we were sharing to ‘sort me out’ for the ride that I’d given him to Wanaka. His sense of justice was strong. I stared out at the opulent mountains across the lake, itching to break up with him and not knowing how.
“You’ve helped me empty my sack,” the Mormon replied, his smoke rolling long into the persistent Otago wind.
Otago’s steep, barren mountainsides and wide, dry plains sharpened to crystal perfection in the winter. Clouds often loomed low, and their desolate grey chill insisted upon multiple layers of socks and sweaters. Cobalt shadows washed over snow and stone langorously throughout the short days, reluctlantly ceding the majestic landscape to the sun’s blond rays for only a few hours a week.
I found a refuge quite close to the Mormon’s trailer. It was a simple lodge with a reasonably priced double room, situated within 2km of the tiny farm that he called home. I thought that I might find a nice balance between a healthy lifestyle and regular sex if I could keep the Mormon exactly at arm’s length.
The Mormon had worked at the restaurant attached to this lodge about a year ago, and he introduced me to a few of his old co-workers: an unimpressed matron at the front desk, a short Indian fellow with a Turban, and a tall, pretty blonde woman behind the bar who didn’t have time for his grandiosity. I was still too close to the Mormon’s world, but I carefully carved time out for his sex on my own terms so that I could have the majority of the day to sink into my own world and write.
The lodge had a shared kitchen where I could cook vegetables without the Mormon’s disdainful side-eye. On the very first day, I burned my pumpkin curry, sending Turban sprinting into the kitchen to shut off the wailing smoke detector. He kindly waved aside my apologies.
There was a block of bathrooms that was only 30 or 40 steps away from the main building, so if I was quick and clever and didn’t mind two minutes of the frosty pre-dawn air on my naked skin, I could resume my daily ritual of full-body oil massage. I allowed the Mormon into my space only after I claimed it with a good rest, a comforting morning ritual of oil and meditation, and a mildly-burnt meal. After the Mormon and I fucked in the clean white sheets, I took a warm shower, revelling in the spaciousness of the cracked concrete cubicle. The water pressure was hard and enjoyably soothing to my neglected clitoris.
I returned to my bedroom, where the Mormon was idly tapping at the screen of his phone. Dropping my towel and revealing my nudity caught his attention, and he stopped me before I pulled my underwear up over my knees. I’d shaved my pubic hair a few days ago. The Mormon caressed this new genital topography, and his fingers stumbled over an ingrown hair at the top center of my pubic mound.
He picked and picked painfully at the ingrown hair with his long, wolf-like nails until it bled. I watched dispassionately. Holding a thick forefinger over the tiny wound, he looked up at me.
“That’s going to leave a mark,” the Mormon said, his English mouth holding the roundness of his vowels fully, like they were eggs in a basket. “I guess I’ve scarred you forever.”
“You certainly have, sweetie.”
That little scratch was nothing compared to the long scratch that ran down my right butt cheek, about two inches away from and perfectly parallel to my crack. An outdoor tryst with him in the warm days of early autumn had been responsible for that scar (probably some stick or rock cut a groove into me while I’d see-sawed back and forth in Missionary). Subsequent outdoor fucking had peppered my ass and legs with dozens of sandfly bites that left constellations of discolored dots to remind me of our fulfilled desire. The wounds in my heart and mind are already scabbed over, so I’ll let that intangible substance heal in its own way, without disruption.
I destroyed the Mormon’s assumption that he’d be spending the night here in the lodge with me. If he wanted a warm, comfortable bed and a hot, healthy meal, he’d have to pay for it himself. This wide bed was all mine. The Mormon earned his bed by planting garlic, and I’d earned this one with an 11-year marriage.
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July 2, Correspondence
Texts between the Mormon and I
On July 2, 1:13pm, the Mormon wrote:
How are you going? Sleep better I hope?
1:27pm – Hi Yes! I got 9 solid hours last night! How are you?
1:28 – Should I come over or are you working?
1:32 – Just finishing off the bottom of the field then ill be free. Say 1 hour we go for a walk down the lake wig the dog then we can hang out for a bit?
1:33 – Ok! See you then!
Emails between Mother and I
On June 15, 8:16pm, Mother wrote:
The most precious thing in my life! How do you do? Should I even ask?!
Before I will forget all those many words: About the taxes: file for an extension online. Go to the free IRS website and file form 4868 – so the penalty will be lower, or none. You have time before July 15th to file it so you will be out of their hook and have space to breathe.
2- Your ex-mother-in-law. No, I didn’t talk to her on the telephone, she spared me this torture. She reached me via Facebook. Oh! Truly! Why you? Out of all the children and relatives she has, she chose you to cry on your shoulder? It is strange to me. At the same time your ex-husband is bragging there he has 2500 jumps! Why he is not at the bedside of his dying grandfather? She calls you to come to sit at his bedside from NZ? I am dumb or I do not see the logic here.
I think something else there went wrong, it is all about the money, maybe they are all fighting for it already now and she feels isolated and treated unfairly? Do I care? I feel sorry for a person in her situation, but not more than this. Also, she was very nasty to me and you, in general, even when she thought she is “nice” to you! Keep in mind. It is maybe, he put you in his will and she tries to wiggle, extort it from you? Just a random thought.
When you receive it, [IF] say: thank you, God, it is some righteous judgment there, in the Heavens! Take it and go into your new life! If not, well! Say thank you, God, I knew one grandfather whom I loved and it is good.
About the grandfather. My dear! If he has stage 4 lung cancer and a stroke… I’m not sure you will be able to see him if you try come here just for it. It is a lost cause if taken to account his age. It is all noble of you, but …strange is the fact that she reaches you and no one else! After her mother passed away they had a big fat birthday party for him. I didn’t see you on any of those pictures! Some hypocrisy there is going on. Countryside mentality, I never can understand it.
3- So, make this reason to come to the USA the last thing on your list. His life, very long and happy life is over. Your life is in front of you. Let him go in peace. Now you are in the tunnel of time where you are the most important person in your life whom you should cherish and think about.
4- How did your father send you money? I have an idea to send you some money, so you don’t have to deal with him. You must tell me some things like addresses or numbers? I was thinking about the Moneygram? DO not worry about it – it is extra money, that I got from Father when he sold the house. In a sense, it is your money, too.
5- Oh! I am so happy that you started to write! You are good at it, you are the best in it from all people I know! Good luck with it! Oh! I am so happy to hear it! It will make you happy! I told you, money is not a problem, ok, it is a big problem, but it is solvable! But, to find the time to write – it is difficult – and you have it as a gift! I am glad you are using it so creatively!
6- before you come here tune-up to the news on the USA motherland and make the plans for your trip back home accordingly! See: where are floods, fires, unrests are here – Now it looks as though in the northern states there are fewer problems, but you do it according to the news. Now it is too early to talk about it.
7- do not worry about the money or your trip. Worry today about today’s problems. Tomorrow – God will give you means and wisdom to solve tomorrow’s problems.Yes! I am so glad that you are in NZ now! and a bit more. Maryland is stable now, for a week. So they think to open the state on or after June 22, today I heard.
8- about the July 12th -if you like this date for your return – do it. I will look at what my usual astrologists are talking about and come back on it to you later on it – too many of them! but trust your guts! Be courageous! Do it and be glad about your decisions!
Next month, if it will work, I will try to send you some more money, so you do not have to feel limited. I am glad you got some good warm clothes! Why you went to the south and not to the north where you said is warmer? It is cheaper here? Or there were the traveling restrictions? Don’t worry – everything will shape up. Eventually. It always does.
Have a wonderful day! Good luck with your writing! Maybe it is your happy future, who knows? I love my baby so much! God bless you in everything you think, create, do, planning. God will guard you, save you, and light your way to freedom. My prayers and my heart is with you,
Love, Mother
On July 1, 5:34pm, Mother wrote:
My dear?!
If you forgot about Mother’s existence, I didn’t about yours! I hope you are safe and healthy. How are your writings are coming along? Are you enjoying your new project?
I assume, you are reading/watching the latest news from the USA, that why you do not communicate with me? Also, I understood you do not want any help from me?! Nu, X, you are an adult young lady. I assume you know what to do. Or, you are angry because I am poor?! I have no idea why you are do not want to communicate with people who care for you for real, not fake.
Do you want to come back now, or in Autumn? Please, let me know a month or two before it. I must talk to the office to be sure that you will have space here in the building. With me, maybe, you would be able to live about a month before they notice it and it is legal, but you are used to such wild freedom – with me you will feel suffocated. I am afraid I will irritate you with my presence, my habits, words, whatever differences we have not according to your book of proper Mothers.
I love you this way or another, but you are different now. Excitement will wear out in three days and then you will notice I don’t conform to your standards. Me? I just want you to be happy, satisfied, have peace in your heart and your soul. I always wanted it, but it is not enough, huh? You must remember, I am in a different phase of life. It still surprises me, but I am 65 years old lady! I never knew I can live for so long! Nevertheless, my Granny lived up to 93 or so, and her grandmother up to 111 or 112, when her husband left this world young, at 108!
If you need help, you must let us know about it. We are here for you. Do not tell it too late when we will be unable to do something to be helpful. Reset your connectivity with the world, it is about time.
I enjoy your pictures. A lot. However, they are all taken in such desolate places, like you are alone in the wilderness. It makes my heart sink to the first floor when my body is still stuck on the seventh floor. Can you have a safer way to have fun?
Have a beautiful enjoyable day! God bless you in everything you do, you think, you decided to do. As I said before [blame on my intuition, again!] taking the route which is parallel to Canada, or in Canada, and then down around the Great Lakes, New York, Maryland. I feel it is a safer way home. But you are the smartest person in the room, I trust you’ll do it right.
My prayers and my heart with you. Love my baby, love a lot, and some more, Mother
On July 2, 5:22pm, I wrote:
Hi Mama! I did my extension – thank you! I filed form 4868, and it was a small challenge, but thank you so much for helping me. I still don’t know what to do. The psychics were right – there has been a resurgence of the virus. So, all I can think of is to wait to come home until July 13, when Mercury goes out of retrograde. I have no better information upon which to base my life decisions!
I don’t know if there is anything here for me in NZ. I’m done with the guy I was dating, and I can write from anywhere in the world. I don’t really want to go to the U.S., but what else am I supposed to do?
How are things in Maryland? Have you been out in public? How is your partner? And his mom?
On July 2, 6:10pm, Mother wrote:
Oh! My dear! My partner is alright. He had the corona, he got it from Mother who had it from his sister, who didn’t wear the mask. I got it too, but I think the blood type 0 [could be?] helped me. So I am always washing my hands and wearing the mask in public.
But my partner had it stronger, and his mother the worst of all of them. I think I had it twice because each time before it I would have a dream of the coronavirus as a symbol of death in my dream: he looks at me and I look at him without blinking, he sees I am not afraid of him and he passes away.
My partner’s heart is in NY, with mother. He is rarely here. His car is broken now, it would be in the garage for a month because they have to change the engine. He feels obligated to take me to the grocery store. I buy the groceries, he is not so generous, yet. Nudnik. I am glad you got over with the forms and taxes! Congratulations! It is the worst! I love you, My prayers and my love are always with you, Have a nice day!
Mother
On July 2, 6:59pm, I wrote:
Sorry, I didn’t finish my letter and accidently sent it. I stayed on the South Island because I heard that the ferry to the North Island is fully booked until September. Maybe it’s true, but I thought I would spend time with this guy, and now I am sick of him. He is a nudnik.
So, I have no good reason to stay except for avoiding America. Is that a good enough reason? Maybe I should face my responsibilities and real life again, but I don’t really have a real life in the US.
I don’t feel good about taking your money. You earned it, and you should enjoy it – maybe a lovely vacation! Or keep it for a rainy day. Enjoy it! Don’t worry, I will come crying to you if I really do need money. I don’t know how much money I have left. Probably enough. I really have no idea what to do or when to leave. Maybe that’s a sign that I should leave? We’ll see how the lunar eclipse goes tomorrow. I wish I could be more helpful. I know you would like to know when I’ll be home, but I don’t know.
I hope you are enjoying the pool and some wonderful summer sunshine! I love you! X
On July 2, 8:54pm, Mother wrote:
Oh! My dear! It is true! Leave the nudnik behind! It is the worst type of people, they suck you into their nudniking state and you are lost there – from my own experience! It is hard to unglue yourself from this state!
Looks to me, you didn’t see the latest news. It is 50,000 new cases in one day, Wednesday, in the USA. People are stupid here, nothing new.
What I think, if you’re not sure about the USA, maybe go to your sister in Europe: it is a less dangerous place to be, and see if you can help your little sister with her children? Take some load from her shoulders and enjoy the school of ducklings, huh? Then, maybe, you will find a right ideas for your own future actions? Also, for me, it is will easier to worry for you all if you are in one safer place. It is just an idea.
You have your own relationship with your sister and it’s so complicated! I wish you both would be less touchy when it comes to the relationship between each other, I even do not know where to start with this problem. One thing I know – you both need each other so badly, but both are so proud that you will never admit it not yourselves, not to each other, not the world!
Just lose this guy, make a space for a better person in your life. Did I think, also, maybe, you can apply to some school there in NZ? But, it also costs money! OK, don’t you mind me!
On July 13, I am afraid some states will be “closed”. One of them is California. Maybe you shouldn’t come there in July. Talk to your sister, see what is going on; maybe it is the least painful landing for you at this time.
I am thinking more often now: How it comes, that you landed in NZ, the “clean” country from the corona out of all the countries in the world? When here the pandemic is going in circles like crazy? What does it mean? Does God hide you from this disease? Are you are so much more precious in God’s eyes that we even ever know, appreciated it?! Does He have something so much more important for you to do in this world than just be in NZ? What is His purpose for you?
So far, staying in New Zealand looks to be a reasonable solution to your problems. I am still convinced that NZ is the safest place on the Earth today [I do not know what will be tomorrow, but the USA is for sure the hell on the Earth today] Maybe, God did guide you there to save you?! I think, the more time you are in NZ, the less you would like to come to the USA.
We are so nearsighted we know nothing about what is going on with us! But God sees all our lives from a different perspective, and also, He is Merciful, and a kind God; He is not a human, He is a Holy Creator of us. He loves us, doesn’t matter what we do, we think, we scream, He has all the kindness for us, to protect us, to save our souls and our hearts and our bodies from unnecessary hurt. I think it is rather a blessing that you landed there, a miracle, maybe, if you take to account the combination of circumstances how you got there. God is Merciful, my Darling X. I think I am starting to understand His plan for you: He wants just to save you from what is going on in the USA.
Maybe, this period of humiliation and tragedy is just over and you are ready to say to it: “bye-bye”!? Bye-bye to your ex-husband, to death, to loss, to sadness… And start a new blank page with peace in your soul and mind, with experience to reject the evil, with openness to just goodness.
I do not know. I do not know what you should do. But I am sure when you will know it, I will know it, too. I will support you 101%.
But the nudnik must go, you need space to think and create your dream, yes, one astrologer said: Be courageous and dream big because all that would be given to you. It is a sun coming into your house, so you will see a light and with it the understanding of your situation. She also said to not lend your money, be quiet about your affairs, totally quiet about your plans, beware of backstabbers, watch that someone will not steal something from you in the beginning of July. Keep your money for yourself; you will need it later in the year. They are jealous, with their drool from their mouths for your money.
I am at home because I do not have licenses or a car, no passport, and everything is closed, anyway. My personal nudnik just promised me the vacation, but his heart is in NY, with mother. But at least he got a smaller storage room, so, on the weekend we moved all the canvases and the rest of the boxes there into the new room, which is 10X5 feet but costs 4 times less!
Also, thank you, X, for the exercises, you showed me for the nerve which goes from the spine to the legs. I do it often, or else! No, the pool I am not enjoying, or the gym room: they are closed due to the corona. If you staying in NZ just because to avoid the USA – it is the best reason to stay put there. I am sure it will be better there for you later [when the cold will go away].
I just worry so much: you are coming here for what? The USA does not have work for you, in fact for another 40% or so of Americans now. There are no benefits, no job for you here now! Just misery! And the same homelessness that you experience there. My partner said you may apply for the food stamps, but you will be on the very bottom of the list.
People are fooling around with signs: BLM! and others are with weapons or the loops for hanging. So stupid! They didn’t solve the 400 years old problem and now the LAND here is like a disease, open wound here! It looks like we are on the brink of the revolution or something like this. It is not your problem. If you can, wait there for them to calm down, then come, when it will be some normality here. If you will tell the truth to the NZ government that you just afraid to come back now to the USA – they will understand you more than you know it. They see the news more than you and they know more what is going on here! It is just you that is oblivious!
I wish you would have a real friend and not a nudnik on your side there!
God bless you, He would save you, I am sure He has a purpose for you. He has for everyone. He will reveal it to you soon. It is just a time in your life, like a… gum. It will be stronger, more stable, I am sure of it.
OK. The last pictures you took of the ocean and those spheres are so beautiful, it feels that your mood comes better. It reminds me of the art of some Asian artist who doing art and destroying it as a part of the creative process, part of the artistic performance; as here the water of ocean would erase your artworks later… It is some symbolism in it.
What you say, huh? I love you so much, my heart is bleeding for you. But one is never to know what a great plan or projects God has for you. Let us trust Him. He is a faithful God, only that I know from my life experience.
The rest… we will see and understand later when the blinders will fall off our eyes. Just do not be frightened, be strong, confident. Because you are not alone: mine and your father’s [I am sure of it!] prayers are with you. Also, God is with you. With Him, any situation is always a winning situation. God is always with you to bless you, your mind, your heart, your soul.
I love you, Mother
Categories
June 28, Correspondence
Emails between Sister and I
On June 17, 9:22am, I wrote:
Happy happy birthday, dearest Sister!!!
I hope it is a beautiful day for you! Have fun! Will there be a celebration? Maybe some more beautiful cherries? How are you feeling? Has the fever gone away? I hope you are feeling healthy and bright on your birthday!
I’ve been in Te Anua for the past few days, near the Fjordlands in the south, taking a break from the Englishman. He talks too much and is scared of my driving. The roads here are pretty wild, but I think I’ve done a fantastic job of keeping the car upright. I’m heading back to him tonight, I guess – we haven’t communicated at all. It’s been far too cold and rainy and windy to see the sights around here.
I’d like to go north again, but I don’t know if I should bring the Englishman. Sometimes he is so caring and sweet, and sometimes he doesn’t seem to care about anything but himself. And I feel like I’m too fancy for him when I insist on things like vegetables and heat and soap with no nasty chemicals.
He seems to think I’m too precious or high-class, and wouldn’t my life be way less stressful if I could just be happy with a serving of fries for dinner and a frosty shed to sleep in?
Kiwis take pride in how tough they are, and that attitude is admirable and contagious. I want to be strong, too! But my body is so much happier with proper food and good sleep. You and I have both worked our whole lives to learn what it takes to keep our organisms functioning well. Is it so wrong to be functioning optimally?
I feel so nice after 5 days in a heated room (with its own kitchen – free upgrade!). Even though the community bathroom is a little walk away, (like 50 meters maybe) it’s heated, too!! I don’t have to put a pair of fuzzy socks on the toilet seat just so I don’t freeze my butt off. And there is plenty of hot water! I just took a 25 minute shower as a kind of revenge for all those 2 minute showers I’ve rushed through in the past few months.
Obviously, I can’t afford this high-class travelling life; which, incidentally, costs just as much as “normal” life in the states. Cheap rent there is basically $50/day, same as a cheap hotel room, and just as hard to find. I spend so many hours researching prices and places online. If the Mormon could just take some of that burden off my back… He doesn’t even have to pay, just spend an hour on those travel and hotel websites to find a good, cheap place with heat and a kitchen… I would love to stop worrying about where I’m going to sleep tomorrow.
Flying back to the States isn’t going to change that. I don’t have a home there, either. But I guess I have to? The Englishman isn’t enough to hold me here, and I don’t know what else to do in New Zealand. He’s not a very good Mormon, although he really believes. He sometimes has a cider or wine. And yes, his tea is not only caffeinated, it’s a hot beverage, which Joseph Smith would disapprove of, for sure. Also, having a relationship with me is probably bad as well!
How are all the kids? And your partner? It was sweet of him to make a soup for you! I guess we do need meat sometimes. They farm deer here. It’s weird to see them fenced in. I’m accustomed to seeing them running wild through the forests, and I don’t like the fences. I think I am super cold because I’m not eating much meat at all. Except fish and chips once a month. But kumara (sweet potato) chips! How cool is it that kumaras are native plants here?
I’d better go – check out is in 30 minutes, and I need to pack up. I really would love to see you and the family sometime. I don’t know how or when, but if you ever want me there, just say the word, and I will find a ticket! If not, no worries at all! I love you across time and space!
X
On June 28, 2:17am, Sister wrote:
Hi X! It has been almost 2 weeks since you wrote: I am sorry I did not reply sooner. I got caught up with school since the children were obligated to return until July 4. One more week til “vacation”! not sure what kind of “vacation” that will mean! They did open the German border though, so we actually did go to Kehl.
Germans are a tad stricter. Children have to wear masks from 6 yrs old and up (in France, children are obligated from 11 years old). They were getting ready to call the cops on me because I didn’t get it, and Lila was telling me she felt like her mask was suffocating her… that was the 1 euro shop. (It’s all of a sudden become the 1.10 € shop.) I remembered enough German to figure it out in time.
Is the English dude still in the picture, or is he gone with the wind?
It has already been a long winter for you in NZ. But the cases in the USA are spiking! Do you have a plan?!
If you want to come here, the hotels are still closed, but one of Aziz’s friends could possibly produce an apartment for you for free whenever or however long you want. You probably won’t have to see Aziz’s friend at all, he’s busy with his family. The cleanliness of his friend is questionable (Aziz said he saw a mouse there once). I have never seen it in person, but it has got to be better than a truck. It has its own kitchen, bath, toilet, and the dude’s neighbor said she would clean it, as she does on occasion.
France is in “state of emergency” until July 10 , so I don’t think foreigners (outside of UE) can enter until then. If you come should we keep it a secret from the Parents? Or does it matter? It might even be eventually possible to find a job or at least social security here?
Not much else is going on. I was forced to wait in a thunderstorm for the kids to get out of school yesterday. Luckily we got home before the real downpour started. Today is a bright, sunny day.
Well, keep in touch.
Love,
Sister
Emails between Father and I
On June 25, 8:23am, Father wrote:
To our friends that helped us realize our dream,
We watched and remembered you all in the wedding video that Rob Tanin made for us. My partner and I celebrated last night at il Porto restaurant, that had just opened its indoors to customers (note our lowered masks while we dined).
On June 28, 10:57am, I wrote:
Happy Anniversary! Thanks so much for sending the photos – it was so wonderful to enjoy those memories of your wedding! It was such a beautiful day!
I’m glad to hear that you were able to celebrate properly, too. Looks like dinner was wonderful! Are things returning to normal? I heard that there was a spike in cases recently. Do you think it’s a good time to return to the states? I miss you!
I wish I could have celebrated Father’s day with you. Much love, X
On June 28, 12:58pm, Father wrote:
Hi X,
I miss you a lot. Maryland is gradually returning to normal. Social distancing is still there, as well as wearing a mask in buildings or while interacting with services. Haircut, and nails are by appointment. I think your yoga studio opened, too. The boats at Lake Needwood have opened for the summer on Thursdays thru Sundays. The Putt-Putt will open up in a couple weeks for the summer. No outdoor fireworks though, just virtual is planned.
Last week there was a surge in Covid-19 mostly in California, Texas, Arizona and Florida. That may throw a “stick in the spokes” of your plans.
How are you doing for cash? I could send some if you like.
Love,
Papa