new zealand Archives - Page 6 of 6 - Thousand Petals Project

I feel more things than I was taught to comprehend, so the words that I must use to describe my experiences in life are always a pale approximation of the true moment. But truth is important. And truth is stranger than fiction, and naturally more interesting.

I feel more things. I feel people’s moods and emotions when i walk into a room, and sometimes I don’t know if I’m experiencing their emotions or mine.

So, I have to be careful and discerning. When I feel something, I need to step back from that feeling (thank you, yoga) and see if belongs to me. Then, I can decide how to proceed in a given moment.

It’s taken years of being alone to understand what feelings come from me. I’ve found that I’m not that emotional anymore because every feeling is tempered and sweetened by the peace which passeth understanding.

Is it wrong, then, to eavesdrop on other people’s feelings? They don’t know that they’re oozing emotion, and that I soak it up like a sponge. And I can’t really help it. I just become inundated with the energy around me.

That’s why I’m very careful with the people and environment around me. I want to be who I am: healthy, happy, creative and completely unafraid. Somehow, I’m not strong enough to be myself in an overwhelming environment. When I’m stuck with people who are fearful or angry or twisted inside, I start to become like that, too. I can usually tell, now, which energy is mine, and which is a lie.

All of it is an untruth in some way: all of these emotions are smudges on the clear glass through which the divine within us perceives this moment, this life. To see clearly, you’ve got to clean the smudges. But I do see, I have seen, the piercing diamond clarity of God. And it seems like God enjoys the smudges because they’re interesting, because they are all aspects of God.

Being God, is it not my duty to experience the infinite?

Of course I should climb the most dramatic mountains, search out the most idyllic streams, and find the loveliest views of this grand country. Of course, I must spend hours basking in the sun and the Source, existing in the purity of nature – that’s where it’s easy to be God.

It’s less easy and more interesting to be God in a house full of different aspects of God. I am so lucky (SO lucky!!) to be amongst people who are not deeply twisted or angry or fearful. These fellow inmates of mine are kind, honest, and fun! I am endlessly grateful for getting stuck with such lovely people.

It was probably the third evening when Miriam (the mother of the little family) and I were talking over dinner about the dynamics of the group. There are 3 or 4 of the young Israelis who are less enthusiastic about cleaning, and we were considering the balance of effort in our group.

“I can tell that the girls are going to be the problem,” Miriam told me, “They’re difficult.”

She pointed her chin at Natalie, whose delicately authoritative face shone with the light of aloof youth. Did she sit more and work less than the others? Natalie seemed cold to me at first, but I somehow was blessed by affection from her. I say that completely without cynicism – her true smile was a pink rose blooming, and I am so grateful to know her.

The girls were in the minority: 10 to 12, if you count the children. Four available young men, and only 3 available women: me and the 2 super-Christians, Jessica and Christine. So, most of the women have men, and they can afford to slack off because they have their men to cover for them. They’re young; drunk with the power of fresh relationships and expendable incomes. It’s fine. They’ve all been through the army and they know cooperation. I trust these young ones to put in as much effort as I will. After all, I’m the only one taking Shabbat off. Maybe nobody’s noticed – I haven’t been called out yet.

Nobody’s perfect. Most of them are quite young – just trying on adulthood for the first time. They do well! Everyone cooperates with our cleaning duties, more or less. Nobody has a sour attitude… Except my roommate.

Jessica told me that she has some mental health imbalances like anxiety and depression, especially around her time of the month. She’s been friendly so far, and we’ve had some great conversations about hair and religion. I can see that she’s uncomfortable in this situation, though. Sometimes she’ll go inside herself, and i can almost hear the defeating, depressive cycles of thought.

Jessica doesn’t like most of the Israelis because they’re loud and irreverent. I guess i can never tell her that i couldn’t sleep the first night because she was talking so loudly with Christine in the hall until midnight.

She’s so American. Thank God for Christine. They’re great friends; Jessica and Christine, always talking, cooking, sharing, and doing their daily devotions. Jessica needs a friend like that. I think it keeps her balanced.

I went to devotions with them once. Peter and Alma have these hour-long sessions in their home every weekday morning at 9am. On the fourth or fifth day, i joined them, just to see. It was horrifically boring, just like going to church. Peter spoke at length, occasionally looking to Alma for approval. She only called him out once on the history of Babylon, and that’s when i heard the iron in her voice. As sweet as she is, there’s no doubt that she’s in charge.

We looked at Daniel, and his prophecies of Babylon or something. It seemed very important to them to make this ancient hallucination relevant to them and their sober, modern lives. It’s strange that they glorify Daniel’s visions on one hand, while forbidding meditation on the other.

I still do it. Meditate. In that state, I can feel the emotions and energy around me without letting them sink in, maybe because I’m already full with the Divine. I’m getting better, too! I can maintain my Self, even though I’m soaked through with others’ emotions.

And I like these emotions! Happy, sociable, hedonistic, adventurous, rebellious… These are the young, delightful feelings around me; this is the water in which I’m stewing. It’s a lot of testosterone. I love testosterone! It makes me giddy with joy and power. I’ve spent a lot of time with women in my line of work, and i do prefer the energy of men.

Testosterone is life-energy to me. It turns me on, gets me moving, and unleashes that fearless joy that makes life worthwhile. I crave it. I wilt without it. With it, I am complete and powerful.

If only men weren’t such dicks, I could be king of the world!

I can feel the testosterone here – so young and fresh! I’m always a little turned on. I feel alive and open and generous.

That’s probably what attracted the Mormon. A few days ago, I went for my daily walk to clear out the lodge energy and to refresh the peaceful purity of myself. We are so lucky to have these beautiful walks around us, and so lucky that we are allowed to disappear into the wilderness for hours on end with no questions asked.

He was walking his dog, Rex, and for some reason, i got pulled into chatting with him. His English accent is so charming.

We maintained our distance – 6 feet apart at all times.We walked together along the river for an hour, dipping into the woods to follow a dusty trail where rabbits burrowed thickly, like Jews in Florida. The land rose quickly, and we scrabbled up the perforated hills until we found a fine spot to sit and talk.

We spoke about the pandemic, society, revolution, and rabbits. He had a rollie, and told me he’d bring something so that we could smoke together next time. The light slanted through the dense pines and Rex dug a fine hole in the hill upon which we were sitting.

We walked back to his car, and he gave me his number, scrawled on the back of a business card that was already tattooed with the number of a Charlene.

“Never mind that,” he said, “I don’t need that anymore.” He leaned in, then remembered the virus, and then leaned back in, cautiously extending a hand. Hesitantly, I took his hand. And with that little gesture, I popped the bubble that protected our lovely lodge from the deadly Coronavirus.

Emails between Sister and I

Dear Sister, Yes, you know how Mama tries to brainwash!

It’s too obvious, though – whenever she reaches a particular stage of passion on her chosen subject, i automatically start doubting the truth of her words. I feel bad that i don’t take her seriously, but her truth is different than the real truth sometimes – it’s colored to protect her.

She always tells the story of her divorce where i stayed with Papa and rejected her, as if i deserted her, as if i made a decision against her. Well, yeah, i can’t live with her, but i stayed with Papa because i felt sorry for him and i wanted to live in a safe, stable place after Australia and before college.

My decision had little to do with her. Well, maybe i wanted to avoid her excessive emotions, but i was 16! I had to worry about applying for college and prom, not soothing her and counselling her.

She is very obsessed with her own perspective. Even when i correct her about how things happened, she still only remembers her own story.

I see that she also wants me to be obsessed with her perspective – always pushing her ideas – but i’ve learned to detach. I really enjoy figuring out my own perspective. It’s fun, like a puzzle – what is the truest truth for me in a situation?

Frankly, it’s rude that someone would take that joy away from me. Not just Mama; Papa, too, with his religious ideas.

His perspective of the truth is not even his perspective. It’s someone else’s (Moses’? John’s? Scott Brown’s? Who knows) and he’s just so pleased with it that he’s memorized that perspective and spits it out to anyone who will listen.

He just happens to have a mass of people behind him (the owners of this lodge, too) who are the same. At least Mama has original stories… All with the same plot, of course: the world is evil and against me, and i am an innocent victim.

Unfortunately, we are stuck with that story in our heads, and it stains my view of the world. I see it though, and i’m trying hard to scrub that stain away so that i can have a clear, true perspective.

They are vampires! I’m always exhausted after i spend time with either one of them. They take my attention and i see how they feed off it.

I feel like they’re starving for someone to truly listen to them. Do they not get the love they need?

Why should i give my life-energy when all i get in return is bad memories from Mama and this uncomfortable box to live in from Papa? He makes me feel fake and worthless and the sad thing is, i think it makes him more comfortable to see me living inside this tiny box of what he thinks is right.

I can’t even explain that i am so much more than the child he thinks i am. I don’t think he has the capacity to understand the richness and subtlety of my adult experiences.

If i can’t be who i am, how can i relax? And if i can’t relax, how can i love?

I’m supposed to be studying hebrew verb forms, and i cannot concentrate on them! Just like my childhood. There is an adorable fellow (they’re all adorable – so young!) named Moshe who is trying to teach me hebrew. I need to be a better student, but i am struggling to focus on the grammer.

*update: poor Moshe hurt his back playing volleyball, so no lessons for a while, i guess.

So, Papa is giving us our own money so that he can feel important and gather our gratitude while he is alive? That sounds right. I thought his generosity was suspicious.

And i know the stock market is super-low right now, so basically, i am stealing from myself. He offered money several times, and I finally asked for $740, because that’s how much the new plane ticket was. I was shocked when he offered $3000!

It was really hard to find a way to transfer the money – he wanted to use a particular app, Zelle, that my bank wouldn’t accept, and it took about 3 days of writing back and forth for him to accept a different app.

And even then, he only sent $500 to see if it worked. Which is reasonable. And it did work! After another 3 days. And now he wants to wait until the 15th to send a similar amount. At this rate, it will take 2 more months to get $3000.

Is he playing some game of getting my attention? Is it cheaper for him somehow? Yeah, i really don’t like it when someone promises something and doesn’t deliver.

Just state your wishes in the beginning! If you don’t want to give me money, don’t! I never asked for $3000, and now i’m involved in this elaborate game of Chase the Money.

*update: i got the first $500, and the second $500 is en route, and now he’s asking if i want more! Did he promise $3000 or was that a joke? Do i have to beg for each $500? What game is this! I do not want to play anymore, and i do not need money from him that badly.

Yeah, the idea that his wife’s kids are getting half of our inheritance irks me, too. And they ask for it all the time! No shame! It’s a different type of person.

How did we end up with so much self-respect in ourselves? Maybe we saw that we wanted to be very separate from our parents from an early age? Because they never really fulfilled our needs so we learned to live on our own quickly?

Geez. My roommate smells. None of the boys smell this much. It’s cold, so i have to shut the window and huddle near the heater, right next to her clothes.

How does a girl smell so sweaty all the time, especially in this cold? I know, she is of a Pitta (fire) constitution, and they have the strongest smell… She can’t help it. Well, she could eat less meat and wash her clothes. But it is unpleasant, and i am rarely in my room because of it.

I’m finding ways to enjoy this situation, and i was surprised to find out yesterday that i am truly happy right now!

Really full of joy! It’s probably all this young energy around me? I feel like everyone likes me, and i really love everyone.

It’s agape love – that brotherly love that covers everyone – and it’s authentic and brings me joy. I’ve never felt like this for longer than a few days.

I’m being myself, and people here are generous and kind, and they all work together with good hearts. Maybe it helps to see the dawn over the wild ragged mountains every day, or the clean, cold river. Maybe this is the lesson here, and i was meant to experience this.

Aha!! I thought, at the beginning of my NZ trip: this is where i’ll learn about the element of air. This is a land of birds and wind and sky.

But!! Within us, the element of air is in the heart chakra (according to Vedic philosophy). So maybe, a lesson in air is actually a lesson of expansion for the heart?

See, this is where yoga goes into uncomfortable territory for these bible-thumpers. It’s too much information.

If you breathe and stretch the heart-space open, you will expand the heart and loosen the knots of fear and past trauma trapped there. Yes, it is an excellent exercise for the cardiovascular system, but feelings will arise.

These people are afraid of feelings (fear is the opposite of love). Why, i don’t know. You have to feel to heal.

When I first got here, I laid down for 20 minutes on my back with a large pile of laundry under my rib cage and then had a good cry, and I feel wonderful! There is now space to contain this strange, all-encompassing love.

That’s the thing with yoga – it can heal physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually – it’s up to you how far you want to take it.

You can feel energies in your body and learn to shape them. To me, this is understanding God.

Defining the location and function of the energies by calling them chakras is necessary because english doesn’t have words for it. Sanskrit just another language – it’s not evil.

It really bothers me that they consider everything outside of the Bible as evil. The world is bigger than that, and God is bigger than that.

Ok – too much with the yoga, I know. In general, all is well, and I hope I can use the ticket that I bought to go home on the 28th. Should I try to start something with one of the boys?

There are 4 single ones, between 22 and 24, and I’m looking for a diversion. I love being old and divorced and not caring at all what anyone thinks of me.

Well, all the best to you and the family! Good luck with school! Will you be finished with that in May? I’m so happy that the river is cleaner! This pandemic could be a restart for our civilization if we allow it. Sorry for the very long email.
I love you!

On Apr 2, 2020, 11:43 AM, Sister wote:

hi X, i hope mama did not brainwash you with that old “you tried to run away from us but we are your family engraved in your heart”. you don’t have to bear that.

Papa is NOT your family. Even Mama is NOT your family.

All they did from the beginning is tear us down ( and they are still doing it).

Both of them are vampires.

Just God alone is your family.

We are NOT engraved in your heart: you are free and independant. The only one engraved in your heart is God alone, and not your mean family.

I know how you feel because she tries to push this idea of family on me. but i just don’t feel the vibe because of all the mean things they said and did.

Mark 3:33 “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.

34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers!

35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

Well, I’ll let you figure what god’s will is. At least it is not lying (or defending other people’s lies) and manipulating. I am not sure how you can get out of that stuffy house .

when I was taught Yoga, I always considered it a sport, not a religion, so I’m still quite confused by that idea that yoga is harmful to your soul. I am sorry, but i do not understand.

I heard that idea before. when I took yoga classes, I enjoyed stretching… I did not find it spiritually dangerous. at least not more than swimming.

I wish you could make a beautiful new start in new zealand, far away from the parents. But with papa’s connections, it is a bad start. How can you escape?

Papa did not hesitate to send praises to God to everyone he knows for the result of his righteous acts. one small problem: they are spiritually hurting and undermining you. I hope you can get out of this situation without too much damage.

did you ever get the money or was it all a show? (like I said, it is not from his pocket, but he takes it “on bad rates” from your own inheritance account. I’m not sure if our step-brothers have an account or if papa sends them money from his own pocket. either way it is insulting that he puts a satanic witch’s children on the same level as his own flesh and blood).

Good-bye. I hope I did not gossip too much or hurt your ears. I am just concerned. Love, Sister

On Friday April 3, at 5:02AM, Mama wrote:

My Dearest X!
I listened to one video while I was eating my breakfast. The point she made there is the people who are strong inside are usually are surviving all of these epidemics. People, who have support from the people surround them.

If you feel you are not fit and feel the prosecution – you better go away from those people. Now as never before we need the inner stability, inner KNOWLEDGE that we are excepted, we loved, and just left at peace and will be not pocked!

She said we were taught for many years: give the other cheek, forgive, don’t pay attention. She said: now is time: to put your foot down on a brake, Do not let no one humiliate you, keep distances.

If a person harassing you – tell her/him what you think about her behavior. Keep the hygiene, keep the distancing. Stick with relatives – who loves you [it is me] and kick the relatives who have nothing to do with your well being. which is Papa.

Make sharp divisions, borders. The inner confidence will save you, every one of us. That what she said.By being there – is violates all of your rights and it is NOT right.

The little bitch – is a little bitch -she is not a little, she is growing to be a big bitch. You do not have to tolerate her will to dominance. You can’t? – you go away. I feel, as more, you sit there the fewer options you have for the defense of your physical body, LIFE.

I am very concerned and worry about you. The fucker will survive because you let her win, you will be sick because you will feel that all the world hates you. and your world now it a fucking cult fatherjaka put you in.

I divorced him. it is time for you to divorce him, too. Fucker is a fucker – it is a Constant – it will NEVER change.

Once, in Israel, when I was pregnant with you in the 9th month! It is about a month before your birth, father has this idea from the blue: we must go to the moshav and live in the community of the pioneers-holy-people-disciples.

We went to Finland’s moshav near Jerusalem and “settled”. The fuck was – they hated me from the first glance. They thought: it is not ‘modest” to be so pregnant. what I can do in this stage of pregnancy?!

They thought: I am eating too much in the fucking dining hall, and it is was impossible to hide any food in the room where the temperature is 90-103 degrees Fahrenheit every day and night and mosquitos -like crazy eat you alive day and night.

They like Father: he looked like them: worked in the wooden shop talked the language they understood, and I spoke Hebrew, and they hated the sound of it! I even didn’t know how to cook, so they could use me just like the dishwasher and not for a long – my eczema started to bloom like madness!

In the end: they have had dogs, like nazi around the compound to protect the property. They unleashed on me one mad dog on command! I felt on the ground because it hit me, but I do not afraid of dogs: she thought I will run and be damaged more: but I was so mad: I started to scream on him on a top of my longs: get out of me! And he will not go!

Until she casually called him. Father didn’t get the key for action, but I said I do not do this fuck any more and the next day went to mama. He came after, he couldn’t understand why I can’t forgive and forget. ask now: he is still do not have a clue!

I am urging you: it the government of New Zealand allowed yet to move away from this place – do it for the sake of your physical body, your mind, and soul. YOU do not have to go through this intimidation.

They are breaking the law by putting you with a stinky person in one room. Where is your isolation is there? It is not! You are not allowed to do yoga – it is what you are all about! It is fascist compound- run, run away and far away from this satanic place. PLEASE.

Also, you were mention of the truck, some kind of the trailer? – NEVER go there! You are NOT white trash – you do NOT know how to be it, so – even do not try it! Stop experimenting with your luck, safety and trying God’s patience!

Berezhjonogo – Bog berezhjot! God keeping safe who are keeping safe themselves!

It is time to come to civilization where you belong. Stop playing the underdog -as you know – you are NOT it. YOu can’t tolerate even the thought of it! Stop fighting yourself – love yourself, respect yourself, appreciate yourself.

Enough of father’s brainwash, Stop it! NOW.

It is time to save yourself and not to spread yourself thin. Really, X, I mean it. Not because I hate father guts it is nothing to do with it now – because I do not want more damage to you!

He damaged me, it is past. Your life is in front of you. Fuck him and run to the safety.

I will help you. I do not have any expenses now. I bought all the furniture, all the food for 3 months stash. Go ahead, find the dignifying place and live there in peace until you will be able to come back. After they will clean up your passage to home from this virus.

Straighten up your inner centerline, the rhachis. Think. What is BEST FOR YOU. Act. With all of my good intentions and love – I wish you good health, clarity of mind, wisdom, strength, luck. You have to do what you have to do! No one will do it for you.

I do not know. It is some epicenters of the virus there in NZ. You may be listening to the news there, you know where they are. Please, avoid those places, but go out of this compound of satanic cockroaches. Go across the street but go away! Go where you feel you will be safe mentally and physically.

Yes, one of the points this philosopher has made is: when you are mentally fit -you will survive the epidemic no matter what. You can’t be fit in this environment of harassment, it is ridiculous fucking disgusting. I know you – you can’t. What else is holding glued you there?!

You are in my every moment prayers and thoughts.We are all worried about you. Please, please! survive this epidemic! Save yourself! It is worse than anyone thought. It does not discriminate, not young age not nothing. Please! Be safe, keep distances, please! do not be sick! I love you so much! Mother