Tag: the Israelis

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April 22 – Day 28, Journal

The Devil. Lust and addiction.

Ace of Wands. Lust and inspiration.

And the Moon. Today is the new moon; the fresh turning of a page.

The next full moon will be in Scorpio! Secrets will surface, and submerged passions will bare themselves in the light of that moon. Hopefully, right? That’s what makes this lockdown so fun!

But that’s 2 weeks away! I can’t wait that long. I’ll have to immerse myself in the darkness of the new moon, to practice surrendering to the empty page.

It’s cooling off as autumn progresses, and it seems that most of the Israeli kids don’t go out for a daily walk, especially not alone. I wish they all would spend some time alone with nature, because i enjoy it so much, and i want them to experience God like that, too.

Today, I shared one of my secret spots with a bunch of the Israeli kids. It was nearby and easily accessible to Moshe, who is only now trying to walk after being on bed rest. It’s been maybe 2 weeks since he hurt his back. He’s been in considerable pain, but he’s managing to self-medicate fairly well.

I visited him once or twice while he was immobile, since Room 5 is just across the hall from Jessica and I. He was weak and vulnerable and alone – a predator’s dream! I hoped at least to set some foundations for a friendship that might have benefits. Maternal sympathy for his poor back always won out over lust, of course, and I couldn’t figure out what to do with him, so I slunk away and let it go.

It turned out that the crowd that would be following me to my secret spot was rather large. We’d been told to stay in groups smaller than 4 when we left the compound so that our bubble of 22 would be less intrusive to the locals.

The locals had been horrified when a large group of the Israeli kids – about 10 of them – had made an exhilarating game of jumping off the Albert Town bridge into the cool aquamarine river 10 meters below. This happened only a few days into lockdown, when it was still warm and fear was still poisoning peoples’ hearts. Numbers were called, videos were taken, fingers flew, bubbles shuddered, and Peter had to give the kids a stern talking-to on behalf of the police sergeant.

So, we left for my hidden cove without warning. It was a wink and a word from Ariel, and i grabbed the bong and whisked the kids away with confidence.

I wanted to take them into the little bower that the Mormon had found. There would be plenty of space in the dappled shade of the willow for us all to spread out along the river and watch its current flow.

They didn’t want to go all the way into the bush where we’d be truly hidden under the tree, in our own world. I didn’t press them too far, because they are so young, and must be forgiven for being timid. Cautious. Wise to an old predator’s tricks.

How do i separate one from the group?

It was enough that they were in the sun and off the compound, so we huddled in a somewhat secluded area on the grassy riverbank. Secluded enough to break out the bong and a baggie and a case of beer, anyway.

Finally! We were out in nature, laughing together, softening together. Now, if only i could engineer inner joy and outer silence for these cute kids, they’d be well on their way to bliss. But that’s not my journey, not my business.

Silence is a challenge for most people. When silence blessed our mellow group, it rested for less than a minute before sweet, bright Joseph murmured:

“How many different birds can you hear right now?”

They eagerly rose to the challenge: 3, 6, maybe 5; the numbers popped up to replace the avian symphony with the human ego. They joked lightly, and I heard Shira’s razor-sharp wit for the first time.

Shira looks suspiciously like Venus posing on the half-shell; her rich golden-brown hair waving long and loose almost to the waist. She’s Joseph’s girlfriend. Shira’s smile is wide and sexy, so it was easy to think that she got along with the guys so well because she was the most relaxed of all the Israeli girls. She drank and smoked and jumped off the Albert Town bridge in a bikini like a gangster.

My inability to understand Hebrew kept me from hearing her clever tongue. Today, they all spoke in English for me (God, i love these kids) and I finally got to hear a perfectly-timed retort from her sword-sharp mind. This is why she’s so beautiful!

She came up with a fun little game: we’d just go around and disclose our favorite animal and the color of our underwear. They all had such sweet animal totems: Shira was giraffe, Ariel was a sea turtle, Moshe was a whale, Joseph was a penguin. I chose a wolf. We laughed at the color of our undergarments, and then we had to go around and make the noise of the animal we’d chosen. What does a sea turtle or penguin even say? Giggles and guesses sufficed. I was the last to go, and I’m proud that i only hesitated for a moment.

I’ve practiced my howl, in the dark emptiness after my dogs’ deaths. I know the timbre of that foreign tongue, even if i’m not fluent in the language. It’s wildness and pride and grief and surrender. It’s the heart of the Earth singing both sides of the story: both love and sorrow.

I kept it light and short, but i didn’t deny myself the truth of the wolf’s voice. I threw my head back so that my throat was in line with heaven and earth and the despair of everlasting love poured into the clear sky like a column of smoke.

We laughed at ourselves and gently stumbled home before it got too dark.

On the way, Itai told me that the door to Room E in the vacant lodge across the street was open. Just unlocked – anyone could walk right in and have their own private space.

In return, i told him that i’d found the key to Room 8 in our lodge. Room 8 has been locked since the beginning, since we fill the other 7 rooms evenly, if not comfortably. That room was kept unoccupied, presumably for use as a quarantine chamber. I snuck in and found a nice double bed and a bunk in Room 8. Seems like a good shag pad to me, but i didn’t tell Itai that.

Our bubble is expanding.

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April 21 – Day 27, Journal

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April 15, Day 21, Journal

They’re all late risers. I want to say slackers, but I’m not one to judge – I rarely do anything productive with this abundance of free time. I wish I could stay up past 9:30pm and hang with these kids – it seems like their evenings are so fun!

“Sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll,” Davina stated, with a little disdain, “That’s what it’s all about after you and the family go to bed.”

I’m on Davina’s cleaning team, along with her boyfriend, and we were cleaning the lounge together yesterday. She spoke of “them” as well.

Davina sees herself as outside of the group, and she is. Her Norwegian roots are obvious in her thick golden-brown hair, languid ocean eyes, and independent spirit. I don’t know whether she holds back from others or just clings to herself. Her English is almost as fluent as her native Hebrew, so we connect as outsiders.

She has that bold Israeli way of stating her mind in a forthright manner with a sword-like precision, but without tact or softness. It’s like they want the connection between two people to be a live wire. I love it! I hope I can take on that aspect of being Israeli and really integrate it into my character. It is my birthright, after all!

Sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll… Davina wants something better, but that sounds absolutely wonderful to me. But I’m too old, too different, too foreign to stay up and play with these kids. It’s a moment in life that I could have had, and that door is no longer open for me. And that’s fine because I’ve experienced a lot of other fantastic doors.

I’ve walked the yoga path for so long that I’ve worn a groove in the turntable of my life. I can’t help getting up at 5:30am. It’s what my body does, whether I like it or not. It doesn’t matter if I go to bed at 9pm or 3am, I’ll still wake up at 5:30. Given these parameters, I might as well be kind to myself and give myself 8 hours of sleep every night.

The patterns of my life set me apart. I enjoy being alone in the dark cold hours before sunrise. I can’t do my abhyanga (oil massage) every day here, because I’m too cheap to spend $2 on a hot shower every day. So, i do that every 3 days, when my hair needs a wash. I’m grateful that I have the privacy of 7am for that lengthy ritual.

Otherwise, I just wash in a bowl filled with hot water from the kitchen – top and tails, you know. It’s exhausting on the days when I see the Mormon, because he’s put his lemongrass-resistant smells all over me.

My patterns and rituals push me outside of most groups. I think it helps. I tend to allow the outside world to soak in and influence me. I think it’s important to preserve myself. To preserve these ways that i’ve learned of loving and respecting this particular vessel.

My environment dictates who I am, and I don’t like that, because I want to be me. I feel Jessica’s despair, Davina’s hurt ankle, Moshe’s pain, and Peter’s frustration. I especially feel and enjoy testosterone: the Mormon’s lust and the Israeli kids’ hedonism.

It is a priority for me to go out alone in nature every day so that I can get a strong dose of pure majesty and peace to balance these strong influences. With enough reserves, I can withstand the onslaught.

Avi always wakes up around 8:30 to call his parents, so he’s usually the first adult I greet in the morning. It’s always a truly pleasant greeting. I love his spirit. It’s sincere, kind, thoughtful, and open-hearted. The good ones are always taken.

The children get up at that time, too, to watch morning cartoons, which usually prompts me to leave them alone with the TV in the lounge. Jessica and Christine usually get up and have breakfast just before 9am devotions at Peter and Alma’s house. This is the only time that I get Room 3 to myself, so I usually head back to make my bed and get dressed. Until chore-time, the only signs of life will be groggy coffee-making in the kitchen, shrill children fighting in the hallway, and a silent, determined parade through the bathrooms.

This is one of my favorite times to meditate, because people are half-awake, and sometimes our consciousnesses overlap. Sometimes I feel naughty and I sink into the lushness of testosterone, following the lines of energy back to their source.

I wonder of it’s all in my head. I hope so. I don’t think I’m hurting anyone.

Sometimes I wonder what it might be like to be a succubus, and I wander through the sticky minds of these nice young men like a lioness. If I’m attentive and diligent in meditation, I can ride their sexual experience. I can guide them (and myself) to bliss.

I can feed off that sweet release, extending the moment to minutes for both of us. The mind is powerful. Is this harmless fun? Is this totally in my head?

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April 12 – Day 18, Journal

A sudden rainshower disturbed my copasetic yoga practice this morning. I wonder what Alma’s up to, with her poor broken face. We often suffer injury at our weakest point.

It was starting to rain, so I thought to bring in the communal towels that were drying outside. As I folded in the foyer, Avi came through, and we marvelled at how it was raining in the bright sun on one side of the house, but not on the other.

Peter, Alma’s husband and servant, came through a few moments later, and I asked after her health. Folding the towels is Alma’s domain.

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” I widened my eyes to indicate the vastness of anything, met his fearful gaze, and felt the sex spark unexpectedly deep in my uterus.

Feelings aren’t that powerful unless they are acknowledged by more than one person. Who started that spark? Am I just receptive, empathic and feminine enough to feel people’s feelings, or can I use my own sex-energy to fuck with people?

A storm is brewing to the northwest. Miriam thinks that a storm is brewing inside as well. I hope so! I feel so alive, so happy here! I haven’t been this happy since Pup.

I’m finding more joy in these social interactions than I thought was possible.

Moshe hurt his back playing volleyball while Davina and I were making peach jam from the generous tree in the backyard. A disc injury in the lower back, above the 2nd or 3rd vertebrae.

Same as the tension in Avi’s back. Typical of a young man spending too much time in front of a screen – i’ve seen the same tightness in almost every man I’ve dated.

Avi asked me for some yoga moves to help his back, and Miriam assisted in our healing session. She kind of cock-blocked me without knowing it, but he has Sara, and I adore Sara as much as I adore everyone here. What is wrong with me? A vast heart.

Miriam is a healer, too. It’s so good to talk with someone who understands energy in people. She’s lived life and she gets it, like a mother does. I love her, too. I sometimes wish I was the kind of person who could be a good friend.

Davina, too. I love her, too – her depth, her earthiness, her Israeli bluntness and her Scandinavian sweetness. I think i inadvertently hurt her when I said that I wish I could be playing volleyball while we were making jam together. But, of course, I wanted to be there with Davina and the jam! That’s why I chose to be there, and not at the ill-fated volleyball match that caused such injury to Moshe’s back.

It seemed like the whole compound was at the match except Davina and I, so I only heard what happened second-hand. There were several games, and Moshe landed on a previously injured spot on his back during a heroic save.

I thought I could help Moshe that evening, and I tried to place healing energy into his back. He said that he didn’t feel a difference, but my bones felt shaken and my shins tingled heavily, like dull brass.

Sometime during the second game, Jessica got offended and flounced off the court. She told me it was because Ariel gave her an exasperated look after she missed several shots in a row. Everyone else told me it was because she’s a bitch.

I can see that Jessica is having a difficult time in this strange situation. She’s more and more inclined inwards, and i see her getting lost in her fears. Some days she just won’t respond to my (admittedly far too cheerful) greetings. She’s always looking down and in – her phone, her laptop, the oven, the stove, the Bible… I guess whatever’s there is making her grumpy.

She did say that her hormones got out of control in the weeks before her time of the month, and it made her cranky. Well, here we are. I think she needs to get laid.

The 4 single guys (room 5) were hanging out in the dining room a few days ago and i asked them if they’d decided who would get Jessica and who would get Christine.

“If this really was the end of the world,” I asked them, “if the Coronavirus destroyed mankind, and all that was left was this one bubble of the Zula, what would happen? We’d have to repopulate the planet, for sure, with as much genetic diversity as possible. You’re the single guys – that means one of you has to take Jessica and one of you has to take Christine. It’s your duty to the entire species.”

A good-natured argument ensued, with much finger-pointing and bawdy laughter. I love these guys! Ariel and Itai agreed they’d rather be with each other than with Christine. Jessica’s fate was unclear.

It’s surprising to me that these young ladies have such lovely figures but such repellant personalities. Not that being attractive sexually has anything to do with one’s value. It’s just that the pieces are all there inside of these young women (warmth, kindness… nu, what else do you need to be a pleasant human?) and these pieces don’t match up to make a whole that is desirable.

I just wanna juggle those pieces around, match up some edges for them. But dammit, it’s none of my business.

If there’s one thing that I learned from killing Pup, it’s that you shouldn’t fuck with the way things are.

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April 6 – Day 12, Journal

I feel more things than I was taught to comprehend, so the words that I must use to describe my experiences in life are always a pale approximation of the true moment. But truth is important. And truth is stranger than fiction, and naturally more interesting.

I feel more things. I feel people’s moods and emotions when i walk into a room, and sometimes I don’t know if I’m experiencing their emotions or mine.

So, I have to be careful and discerning. When I feel something, I need to step back from that feeling (thank you, yoga) and see if belongs to me. Then, I can decide how to proceed in a given moment.

It’s taken years of being alone to understand what feelings come from me. I’ve found that I’m not that emotional anymore because every feeling is tempered and sweetened by the peace which passeth understanding.

Is it wrong, then, to eavesdrop on other people’s feelings? They don’t know that they’re oozing emotion, and that I soak it up like a sponge. And I can’t really help it. I just become inundated with the energy around me.

That’s why I’m very careful with the people and environment around me. I want to be who I am: healthy, happy, creative and completely unafraid. Somehow, I’m not strong enough to be myself in an overwhelming environment. When I’m stuck with people who are fearful or angry or twisted inside, I start to become like that, too. I can usually tell, now, which energy is mine, and which is a lie.

All of it is an untruth in some way: all of these emotions are smudges on the clear glass through which the divine within us perceives this moment, this life. To see clearly, you’ve got to clean the smudges. But I do see, I have seen, the piercing diamond clarity of God. And it seems like God enjoys the smudges because they’re interesting, because they are all aspects of God.

Being God, is it not my duty to experience the infinite?

Of course I should climb the most dramatic mountains, search out the most idyllic streams, and find the loveliest views of this grand country. Of course, I must spend hours basking in the sun and the Source, existing in the purity of nature – that’s where it’s easy to be God.

It’s less easy and more interesting to be God in a house full of different aspects of God. I am so lucky (SO lucky!!) to be amongst people who are not deeply twisted or angry or fearful. These fellow inmates of mine are kind, honest, and fun! I am endlessly grateful for getting stuck with such lovely people.

It was probably the third evening when Miriam (the mother of the little family) and I were talking over dinner about the dynamics of the group. There are 3 or 4 of the young Israelis who are less enthusiastic about cleaning, and we were considering the balance of effort in our group.

“I can tell that the girls are going to be the problem,” Miriam told me, “They’re difficult.”

She pointed her chin at Natalie, whose delicately authoritative face shone with the light of aloof youth. Did she sit more and work less than the others? Natalie seemed cold to me at first, but I somehow was blessed by affection from her. I say that completely without cynicism – her true smile was a pink rose blooming, and I am so grateful to know her.

The girls were in the minority: 10 to 12, if you count the children. Four available young men, and only 3 available women: me and the 2 super-Christians, Jessica and Christine. So, most of the women have men, and they can afford to slack off because they have their men to cover for them. They’re young; drunk with the power of fresh relationships and expendable incomes. It’s fine. They’ve all been through the army and they know cooperation. I trust these young ones to put in as much effort as I will. After all, I’m the only one taking Shabbat off. Maybe nobody’s noticed – I haven’t been called out yet.

Nobody’s perfect. Most of them are quite young – just trying on adulthood for the first time. They do well! Everyone cooperates with our cleaning duties, more or less. Nobody has a sour attitude… Except my roommate.

Jessica told me that she has some mental health imbalances like anxiety and depression, especially around her time of the month. She’s been friendly so far, and we’ve had some great conversations about hair and religion. I can see that she’s uncomfortable in this situation, though. Sometimes she’ll go inside herself, and i can almost hear the defeating, depressive cycles of thought.

Jessica doesn’t like most of the Israelis because they’re loud and irreverent. I guess i can never tell her that i couldn’t sleep the first night because she was talking so loudly with Christine in the hall until midnight.

She’s so American. Thank God for Christine. They’re great friends; Jessica and Christine, always talking, cooking, sharing, and doing their daily devotions. Jessica needs a friend like that. I think it keeps her balanced.

I went to devotions with them once. Peter and Alma have these hour-long sessions in their home every weekday morning at 9am. On the fourth or fifth day, i joined them, just to see. It was horrifically boring, just like going to church. Peter spoke at length, occasionally looking to Alma for approval. She only called him out once on the history of Babylon, and that’s when i heard the iron in her voice. As sweet as she is, there’s no doubt that she’s in charge.

We looked at Daniel, and his prophecies of Babylon or something. It seemed very important to them to make this ancient hallucination relevant to them and their sober, modern lives. It’s strange that they glorify Daniel’s visions on one hand, while forbidding meditation on the other.

I still do it. Meditate. In that state, I can feel the emotions and energy around me without letting them sink in, maybe because I’m already full with the Divine. I’m getting better, too! I can maintain my Self, even though I’m soaked through with others’ emotions.

And I like these emotions! Happy, sociable, hedonistic, adventurous, rebellious… These are the young, delightful feelings around me; this is the water in which I’m stewing. It’s a lot of testosterone. I love testosterone! It makes me giddy with joy and power. I’ve spent a lot of time with women in my line of work, and i do prefer the energy of men.

Testosterone is life-energy to me. It turns me on, gets me moving, and unleashes that fearless joy that makes life worthwhile. I crave it. I wilt without it. With it, I am complete and powerful.

If only men weren’t such dicks, I could be king of the world!

I can feel the testosterone here – so young and fresh! I’m always a little turned on. I feel alive and open and generous.

That’s probably what attracted the Mormon. A few days ago, I went for my daily walk to clear out the lodge energy and to refresh the peaceful purity of myself. We are so lucky to have these beautiful walks around us, and so lucky that we are allowed to disappear into the wilderness for hours on end with no questions asked.

He was walking his dog, Rex, and for some reason, i got pulled into chatting with him. His English accent is so charming.

We maintained our distance – 6 feet apart at all times.We walked together along the river for an hour, dipping into the woods to follow a dusty trail where rabbits burrowed thickly, like Jews in Florida. The land rose quickly, and we scrabbled up the perforated hills until we found a fine spot to sit and talk.

We spoke about the pandemic, society, revolution, and rabbits. He had a rollie, and told me he’d bring something so that we could smoke together next time. The light slanted through the dense pines and Rex dug a fine hole in the hill upon which we were sitting.

We walked back to his car, and he gave me his number, scrawled on the back of a business card that was already tattooed with the number of a Charlene.

“Never mind that,” he said, “I don’t need that anymore.” He leaned in, then remembered the virus, and then leaned back in, cautiously extending a hand. Hesitantly, I took his hand. And with that little gesture, I popped the bubble that protected our lovely lodge from the deadly Coronavirus.

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March 31 – Day 6, Correspondence

Emails between Sister and I

Hi Sister! I’m glad you guys are feeling better – I imagine, over the next few weeks, you won’t have to deal with any more bugs since you are all cozy at home. Happy Birthday to your little one!!! Did you have a little party?

I did find a place, with Papa’s help – he has a network of these messianic people around the world somehow. His friend led me to another friend, who owns a backpacker lodge near Wanaka, right in the middle of the south island.

This lodge caters to Israelis – they love Israelis, although they are from south africa and self-described ‘goyim’. They love Israelis so much that they (this couple, Peter and Alma, who are funded by some ministry) offer them 3 free nights of lodging (i mean in the normal world, not just during the lockdown).

Why would they lose so much money on purpose? So that they can minister to them. They trap Israelis and try to gently convert them with pamphlets and twice-weekly prayer nights. I don’t know how to feel about this. They probably feel the same about me. They assumed that i was part of their herd because of Papa, and i tried to pretend for a couple days, but i am far too honest and independent for that silliness to continue.

We are 22. Mostly young Israelis, fresh out of the army, and one Israeli family with 3 kids, aged 7 to 14. My roommate is the other American… Strangely, she’s from Maryland, about 15 minutes away from where i used to live. She is 23, and drank the Koolaid because that’s how she grew up. Jessica is happy about the daily devotions that they do because she wants to grow in Christ.

She’s already been here for a few weeks, long enough that she is best friends with Christine from Austria, the 21yo niece of Peter and Alma that has been living here for months and helps take care of this place. Christine is strong in their faith. She is young, and is frightened of new things, and knows nothing because she’s afraid of evil spirits. Indoctrinated. 

Alma is in charge, although you never see her – Peter is the one that communicates with us. Alma is the wizard behind the curtain, and she loves the bible. We had a beautiful shared Shabbat meal last night, and she read from the bible and touted Jesus and played a hymn for us at 8:30pm as we were hungry and waiting for our beautiful food.

Luckily, the father of the Israeli family used to be a chef, and he loves to cook mountains of food! Not always kosher food. 

You may laugh, but I am actually the strongest Jew here. These Israeli kids don’t care – they and the family are not at all religious. But they (and i) noticed when we had a strange 5 candles for shabbat. The goyim have no clue what it means to be Jewish, but they are adamant that their God (of Avraham, Itzhak and Jaacov) is the correct one, and that they love Jews.

What will Passover be like? Will I be the one leading it? Hah! Never in my life could I imagine this odd circumstance. Last night, someone asked if we had to participate in the daily chores today, on shabbat. Peter and Alma laughed… Hahaha… You’re not getting away with it that easy, they said.

That felt so wrong. I know I am not the best Jewess, but I love the traditions. It gives me the connection to a tribe that i crave. My beliefs are very personal – they are formed from my direct experience, so I can’t share them with anyone. But you need a community, ancestors, roots.

To put it in yoga terms: the root chakra – this is the part of our being that is about basic survival: food and warmth and community and safety. Without it, your upper 6 chakras cannot function as well.

Maybe you know the feeling of having no roots. I’ve felt it often while travelling, because it’s nearly impossible to root while moving. You feel shaky, ungrounded, like dandelion fluff on the wind, because there’s absolutely nothing or nobody to anchor you in this time and place.

I’ve anchored myself with habits and patterns and these last vestiges of my ancestors. Also with literal rocks. I’m so silly. I spent 3 days at a place called gemstone beach, and 4 days searching for Pounamu, the sacred jade tears that wash down the rivers from the mountain to the sea as the Maori god Poutini mourns the loss of his beloved.

I found some! In a river called Styx. My souvenirs are an opal from Australia, a wee bit of a carved sandstone column in the Angkor Wat, my Pounamu, and a blue topaz ring.  

One thing that’s become incredibly important to me since my divorce is Shabbat. I’ve been fired from a few jobs because i won’t work on Shabbat. I’ve lost friends, and i’ve lost countless opportunities to make money. How many hundreds was I unable to apply for because they insist that i work on Shabbat? So many.

I could be such a respectable and wealthy citizen if i would just bend my stiff neck and labor on the Sabbath. People think i’m lazy, maybe, or snobby, but i have fought so so hard to stick to this one conviction.

Just one! Just one day that is for me and God alone. We Jews have fought for this! This shouldn’t be an issue in this modern time. But it’s made me poor and unpopular in the job market.

Why is this so important to me? Maybe because people are exhausting and i need to be away from social interaction for 24 hours a week. Maybe because I need this hellish, relentless world to just leave me alone. Maybe because I deserve one good day out of seven.

I didn’t say anything, but i skipped out on chore time. It’s just half an hour of cleaning -really not bad, and i’m on kitchen duty, which is easy.

We are allowed to go on walks, and the kiwis know how to set up walks. There are four or five trails in our area, most of which go for 6-8km into the surrounding wilderness. The snow-capped, jagged mountains are the dramatic background, but we are in a more gentle area.

There are several crystal clear rivers tumbling over pale grey pebbles. Crystal clear, yet somehow fantastically tinted turquoise. It’s unreal how perfect these little rivers are.

And nobody with megaphones! People are about, walking and biking and keeping their distance because New Zealanders thrive in these conditions. As do I!

Anyway, I went for a long walk on Shabbat and got back an hour after chore time. A few people asked where I’d been, but it seems there weren’t any consequences to my disobedience. I haven’t told anyone about my Sabbath convictions, and I’m afraid to. Should i? Would they understand or just laugh?

Maybe I would be happy to be kicked out of this place. I am so cold. Winter is coming, and they are cheap with the heat. I wear 2 or 3 pants and at least 2 wool sweaters at all times. But the toilets flush and the bed is warm. Mostly because I have my own extra blanket.

The owners (what shall I call them? The bible thumpers) are exactly what we grew up with. Small-minded and absolutely sure that they are right and that everybody should think just like them. They instantly reject anything outside of their bible. (Except working on Shabbat??!)

They don’t make informed decisions, they allow their church to decide what to believe and accept. I think that is mental and spiritual weakness. Laziness, even. Like sheep… Just stupid.

Which is fine, except these people have power. Stupids trying to force others into their mindless ways. 

I am extra upset because of the yoga incident. I mentioned that i was a yoga teacher to the mother of the family, Miriam, and she wanted a class! So, i taught a class to 3 people, and it was good.

Before the class, we were talking about it, and Christine heard, and her huge cow eyes widened behind her huge glasses.

Infidels! I could see her panic, and she immediately started talking about how yoga might harm the spirit.

I told her that yoga is what you want it to be, and that i usually teach from a purely physical standpoint (put your hand here, inhale to reach your leg back…). She thinks that yoga is Buddhism, and i did not correct her, because the truth is probably more threatening.

Yoga developed in India alongside Hindu deities, but it is actually it’s own thing. Yoga is a science, not a by-product of a religion.

The tricky thing is that it is a spiritual science. It is instructions on how to access God within you.

I mean, it takes decades to master, and most people don’t have the patience. But yoga doesn’t tell you what to believe, it tells you how to figure it out for yourself.

So, it’s not a pursuit for lazy, stupid sheep that just want to be told what to do. And, extra bonus, just moving your body in a way that opens its channels is physically healing. Pains go away, tensions are released so that habitual motions don’t cause permanent physical damage, and you can find peace. Peace, calmness, equanimity, utter relaxation… It just takes a little intelligent movement, and it’s exactly what we need right now.

Did i say any of this when Alma came to me afterwards and told me i am not allowed to teach ever again?

No. I saw that her mind is closed, and i didn’t want to waste my time and words with her. I complied, with a smile and that sweet equanimity that comes from balancing on one leg for 3 minutes. It’s what Krishna would do. Even, steady, balanced in body, mind, and heart.

Maybe she will see my good example and realize that yoga is helpful. But she never knew me before. She doesn’t know how much damage (caused by her stupid righteous religion) i had to heal.

But what can I do? She has power, and I do not. Alma said that yoga goes against their ministry and that meditation allows evil demons to enter.

Meditation is simply clearing the mind and dwelling in inner peace. Does she imagine that demons are lurking, waiting for a moment of complete silence in the spirit to jump into a person and possess them?

And what would happen then? This demon would smile peacefully and say Namaste? And that would bring fire and brimstone raining down upon us?

Of course, she won’t know because she would never try it. Of course it is a sin to look inside of your own heart. Of course, it is the ultimate blasphemy to see God within you rather than within the pages of a book! 

I want to go, but i don’t know if i can. Essential travel only. But, it may be essential to escape from this spiritual prison. Maybe this is my lot in life because it is the lot of all Jews and yogis through time to be spiritually oppressed. Maybe this is a big fat helping of karma to work through.

Can I resolve childhood wounds here? Can I transform this place and these people into a cult of peace and love and open-hearted acceptance? Will I ever be warm again? Should i run away, knowing this beast for what it is?

The time of this stupid lumbering beast is over, though. I went to one devotions study with the bible-thumpers, and that’s what we listened to – Daniel 7, I think, with visions of beasts.

How does Alma think Daniel got these visions? Probably through meditation, and definitely through being open and not suppressing his spirit, no matter how strange or scary. 

Ugh. Sorry. Another epic letter. It’s almost 10am, i’d better go… People are going to wake up soon. I usually wake up at 5:30am because that’s what my body does, and i have this entire place to myself for almost 5 hours every day. Not a single soul stirs…not even to use the restroom.

It is kinda great. Their loss – the sunrise is the best part of the day, and it doesn’t even rise until 7:30. It’s ok – it’s normal for children, and the. 

Ok. I’ll go. I just have so much to share and nobody to share it with. Maybe I can be friend with Miriam, the mother. I hope all is well with you- I love you! And the whole family!


On Mar 27, 2020, 1:19 AM, Sister wrote:

Dear X, it was so nice to get your email! I took so long to respond, I am sorry! Yesterday I had a surprise. The youngest one found her sister’s paint and decided to paint a paper.. and the floor… and clothes.

Worst part is that I just washed and dried ( by hand, as usual) all her bedsheets for passover. wringing them gets heavy when they are wet. Well, she also enjoyed drawing hearts on her nice, kosher-for-passover bedsheets in the evening. No, I don’t feel guilty  for giving her the sheets with ugly paint blotch design. Her scribbles do compliment the blotches . Luckily, it was washable marker, but there is no way I’m going to handwash all those sheets again until i absolutely have to. I thought i would have more time stuck at home, but with the workload, it’s quite the opposite!

I am glad you have a decent place to stay ( though 22 is a big group. you have to share the room?), but so sorry you are stuck with Papa’s overly blind religious acquaintances. And them trampling Shabbat.. that is a bummer.

The reason I quit my job in 2006 was for that: work always scheduled me on Shabbat. it was so insensitive. i did not know it was important to you, too. I feel closer to you when we have this in common.  

But the whole world is observing an extended Shabbat, whether they like it or not. It has become quiet outside. Maybe New Zealand already had less pollution, and you can’t really see the difference there.. but every day in Strasbourg, the air is cleaner, the water is even more clear.. animals starting to appear in the bushes…

I hope you are able to have some private space there. During this time, i did not even want to see my nice neighbor. All she wanted was to give me her children’s old stuff before she was moving out! 

I try to put the bags on “quarantine” for a week, just in case some coronavirus-balls are stuck there… but children see it, they want to grab and play immediately. So I finally wrote her , ” if you don’t need your daughter’s old boots, leave them outside my door, i will pick them up. my children had a fever and I have a sore throat. “

That was all true, anyway. I am still clueless if we got this or not. but I’m still scared to get it, in case we had just a regular cold. With all these deaths and suffering… i don’t need it NOW.

i needed to die before, when i had no hope. i need at least to finish my current crochet project before i die.

I hope you are OK. I hope Papa’s communication is not bothering you too much. I am so upset with his reflection , sometimes I have to take a distance.

He is not only a follower and defender of Trump, but Papa IS the Trump of our family. All the frustration of the New York governor to Trump, is just like ours to Papa. He was only taking the money from your personal inheritance to be generous (it is not exactly straight from his pocket). It would be nice if he was more honest or clear on this subject.

Are you able to go out for 1 hour per day for exercise, like we can? I have to bring a signed paper saying what I’m doing to avoid a 135€  fine, but police never asked me for that paper yet.
Have a nice day, Love, Sister

On Mar 19, 2020, 8:26 PM, X wrote:

Hi Sister!! Thanks so much for your advice. It’s good to hear the story from your perspective. I guess it’s serious, but I am also pleased about the side-effects. I am so happy that you can open your windows and enjoy the fresh air!

That’s how it should be! There are just too many people everywhere. Crawling all over the entire globe – every corner! Not that I want people to be sick, but imagine how nice and open all the parks are!

That’s the only thing that’s really irritated me on this trip – the hoards of tourists ruining the view. I want to see the grand canyon and the Angkor Wat properly! With peace and quiet. Man… I bet the airports are a dream right now… 

That’s what’s nice about New Zealand. It’s empty. Sometimes I drive for an hour without seeing a single person – no cars in either direction, and empty forests all around.

And there are so many stars! There’s only a million people on the south island… after thailand, this place feels deeply good.

However, i’m having trouble finding free wifi so i can make some calls and change my flight. After your email, i will have to stay here. I didn’t know if the parents were overreacting, because you know how the stupid the american media is. Always trying to get people to feel afraid.

Mama is so bad about that. Telling me stories so that i will feel fear. Fear is unpleasant and unhelpful. I think that’s mean and silly for her to try to manipulate my emotions. Fear is simply a lack of faith, I think. And faith is the whole point. 

Honestly, there are 2 things that could happen in this situation. Either I get sick or I don’t. If I don’t, I’ve been feeling the misery of fear for nothing. If I do, the fear is also pointless, because I’m already sick.

Everything happens exactly as it will happen. Either you get better or worse. I personally would not mind dying. I have absolutely nothing to live for. Why be afraid when God already has a plan?

I say that, and I still feel anxious that I can’t get through to the airline or the booking website because I can’t get wifi. I have been practicing having faith that everything is already exactly perfect. Because it is. 

I’m kinda ready to go home, honestly. Not to the parents!! They drive me crazy. I just want to hang up my clothes, have a reliable source of warmth and water, and just stop running around.

I’m always moving, always lining up the next cold hostel or creepy airbnb. I’ve stayed in 2 hoarders’ sheds so far! For the low low price of $40/night. Worth it? At least i got to sleep alone.

I mean, without humans. The mice woke me at 2:11am, so I will go to bed early tonight. This hostel has mattresses with springs!!! And hot showers! So what if the kitchen is outside – at least these toilets flush!

I miss my home and my routine. What home? Is that exactly perfect, too?

But of course, i have no home. Mama thinks i will live with her when i return, but there is no way noooo way that I can do that. I have enough trouble with neutral roommates. Papa is offering to give me money. Should i take it?

I’ve realized that i’m writing you another long letter which will undoubtedly go badly somehow. I’m a little lonely and i miss conversations, though. And i’m a little depressed and anxious, so please excuse my annoying attitude.

How long are you on lockdown? You are so lucky to have a place to call your own and people to talk with. Where did they put all the bums in your city? Who released the coronavirus?
Stay healthy!
With love, X


On Mar 18, 2020, 12:05 AM, Sister wrote:

Hi Y, Papa and Mama are all saying you are making a decision whether to stay or go to US. I will give you my personal opinion… but it might not be the most economic. I don’t know how you can do it money-wise.

But I suggest you to STAY THERE. I have a hunch that the virus is stuck on the plane seats and airports. 
Can I share about our experience here? Mine is the hardest-hit region in France ( lucky me! 😰 )

In France there are not enough places/ equipment in hospitals- and 29 and 30-year-olds need the intensive care units just like the 80 yr olds. In Italy they are forced to let the old people die to leave place for younger who have more chance to survive. 

New Zealand has 12 cases, US has upwards of 4,000. Trump was probably already vaccinated before coronavirus was released in china, how else can we explain his complacency? The US health care system is still heavy, but hopefully they will lighten it up for the people.

In the meantime, I think you should stay where you are until it’s safer. But who are you going to run to in America? Your sharp, clever Father and loving stepmother? your  mother who always has a gentle word? is there anything you need from them?

That is my advice. Of course you  know the best option for yourself. I am not sure if the American or New Zealand Embassy has better ideas, but I think this is the worst time to go to America.

They’re not testing all their cases. They have-and will have- more unless their measures are stricter. 
I took the last opportunity to go out with the children this morning.

This afternoon the total lockdown begins: police + army will force people to stay inside except for groceries (135€ fine if it is not respected).

Grocery shopping is already complicated. Opening hours are reduced, and 1 meter distance is controlled. Anyway, I ordered some vitamin D online, i hope it comes… ( i already miss sunshine😵)

Seeing and smelling clean streets is now very convenient for me. We live by a bunch of restaurants and bars. There was always the smell of cigarettes, car pollution, and old, fried oil.

I had to shut all the windows in the evening , because they make a lot of noise, too. Very disruptive noise! Drunk people often yelled and sung in the streets well after midnight.

Now it is so beautiful! the streets are clean! no noise, no strife, no bad smells, no bums! I am so happy with this arrangement, I can finally open the windows.

Apparently it is not allowed to walk directly next to the water. Last time I was there , i heard a police on a megaphone on the other side of the road… apparently that was for us 😳… In Nice and Paris they are using drones. Our city is relatively obedient, I guess, that’s why the old-fashioned megaphone is still sufficient.


Good luck with the lockdown. It is quite nice, isn’t it? We both dislike meeting people anyway. So i love this. the gov’t wants me to be alone.. well… it’s not bad at all. gives us more time to concentrate on creative work. do you have any supplies to pass the time? a ball of yarn? some beads? at least a book?
I picked up work from the school before they closed (apparently everyone is now being home-schooled). So that is how life is now. I hope you’re doing well and will be successful with your decisions. 
Toodle-oo!
Love, Sister

On Mar 17, 2020, 3:57 AM Y wrote:

Yeah, it’s kind of great not to do Passover cleaning! I love you for your sharpness! It’s a good balance for my mushy self. 

There were 2 cases in Nelson (the town where i’m staying) yesterday – people here are worried too. I can’t run away – there’s nowhere to hide!

So, i’m just going to keep doing what i’ve been doing this whole vacation… Just float down the path of least resistance so that i can be placed where i’m supposed to be. Everyone’s closing their borders. I hope i can figure something out at the airport tomorrow.

I’m so glad you have a stash of masks – I’ve been washing my hands like crazy, especially on this 7 hour bus ride to Christchurch on a full bus.

It’s not surprising that the U.S. is out of control. I agree, Trump is a puppet, and he’s smart like a businessman. He just sounds stupid, and he is definitely not smooth.

Everyone knows that the older generations are too much for the medical system and the financial institutions. They did everything right, and now they want their savings, and it’s probably ruining some rich person’s plan. But who are these rich people? And who gave them that kind of power to decimate the population?

Is this something we’re supposed to fight? Or do we just survive the best we can in their world? Is it even possible to be strong enough to face them, these spectres?

It’s like a good movie. And i think it’s true; that there are powers that are deliberately keeping us in a certain way of life for their benefit.

What have i been saying since 1999? La Revolution!!!

But revolution must be deep.
A complete 180.

If we fight with their weapons, we can never win. There has to be a way: maybe as simple as using love to combat fear.

Well, yeah, the hippies failed at that, but the Man was just coming into his strength in the 60s. Maybe decadence has spoiled him, and now we have a chance? That’s why i don’t think voting works – same system, same politicians… And this is the system that basically runs the entire world.

Every country I’ve visited…they all complain about corrupt politicians and how the guys at the top have everything, and people struggle for success at the bottom. It’s worldwide, this power, this uncomfortable framework around which we’re supposed to build our lives. 

But what can we (or anyone) do? We all have to act together massively. Is that possible without them knowing through their surveillance?

Good thing this email is free to fly to you right now. People here are talking about the long-term effects of this pandemic, saying that the world will change after this. I guess we’ll see!

How’s your world? How is the home schooling going? Are people breaking the lockdown? Because they are in Australia, and people here are upset about it. 

I have a tourist visa for NZ good for 2 years(!) But i can’t earn money with it. But i will hopefully be able to bend the rules – people are friendly and astoundingly reasonable here.

They look into your eyes when they talk and they don’t fake their feelings. You say: how are you, and they respond exactly like i would: with the exact truth and no fake-o pasty smiles.

They’re tough and honest. I think they would help me out. I did accept money from Papa – he was generous! It’s such a relief to know that i have backup. 

Ok, you and the kids stay healthy, please! We’re almost in Christchurch. Thank you for your letter!
Lots of love, Y

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March 30 – Day 5, Correspondence

Emails between Mother and I

Hi Mamaschka! No, I don’t have internet here – I have to pay $5 for 1mb of data, which is not a lot of data for all of the problems I have to solve online.

My post office box has been rejecting mail, so I wonder if I will ever get that check from the government. I tried to call and sat on the phone, wasting my precious data on hold for an hour with no results. And my bank decided to change their system, so now I have to waste an hour trying to figure it out and probably another hour trying to understand how to sign up for Zelle so Papa can send me money. Wow. I guess I am in the mood for complaining! I’m sure things are not so bad.

Ugh. My roommate is so nice and American, but she smells. She has a fire constitution, so it is to be expected, but it is too cold to open the window all the time. And maybe i stink, too – i’ve only taken one shower since i’ve been here. I don’t know how cold it has to be for the heater to work, maybe 55 or 60 degrees? But i can’t change the temperature, so i am snuggled into my nice warm bed now. I have 3 blankets, so i sleep well.

I share my room with Jessica, the only other American, there is one Austrian girl, the owners (Peter and Alma) are from South Africa (but they are white), and everyone else is Israeli. There are 22 of us.

Why so many Israelis? Ah! Because this lodge offers 3 free nights of accommodation to Israelis (in normal life…in this lockdown, i think it is free for everyone for the month? Nobody has mentioned money at all. Except the showers cost $2 and the wifi is $5 and laundry is $2).

Anyway, you might ask – why are they so generous to Israelis? Ah ha! So they can preach to them about Jesus!!

Surprise! This place is run by some ministry that loves Israel and Jesus and wants them to be together forever for the glory of their God (of Avraham, Yitzhak ve Jaacov).

Well, you remember congregation – they are the same type of people. Very nice, and very small-minded. Everything goes according to the bible. Except Shabbat. They still want us to do chores on Shabbat.

I am not ok with that, so I skipped it yesterday. We are allowed to take walks around this beautiful countryside, so i took an extra long one and came back an hour after chore-time. I haven’t gotten in trouble for it, so i haven’t had to fight for my Saturday yet. Maybe it will happen next week. I’ve been fired a couple of times because i didn’t want to work on Shabbat, so I’m not afraid of it happening again. There is a camper van up in the northern part of the island that i can rent for $200 a week if i need it. 

They have forbidden me from teaching yoga. I was asked to teach (I didn’t advertise!), and the Austrian girl, (Christine) who is very Christian and young and brainwashed, got scared.

She talked to me and another girl about it, and thought that maybe evil influences could sneak in while the door was open. I didn’t really understand what she meant by that – i guess if you do anything that is outside of the bible, you are susceptible to evil influences? Well, it’s a good thing that murder and war and rape are already in the bible! We wouldn’t want too much evil sneaking in!

Anyway, Christine tattled to the owners, and about an hour after my class, Alma told me that i wasn’t allowed to teach. It’s not in line with their mission. And, if you meditate, demons will surely enter you. That’s what she said! It sounds like something a child would say.

Of course, she is so small-minded that she would never try it for herself, and see that maybe it’s nice to be calm and have less pain. And maybe there are no demons. Are there even demons in the bible? I don’t remember any stories with demons, but then again, i am an infidel myself. An infidel who believes very strongly in keeping Shabbat.

None of the Israelis are religious, so i may be the only one that keeps Passover here. It is so ironic! Me, the religious one? One girl, Davina, asked me to do a guided meditation today, so we snuck off the property to meditate. It was lovely! And we didn’t get caught, so maybe we can do it regularly.

There are some very cool people here – Davina works in wildlife conservation, and her boyfriend, Nathan, spends his free time carving wooden spoons. There is an Israeli family with 3 kids, ages 7 – 13… the Dad is an ex-chef and the Mom is a therapist.

My roommate works with disabled kids, and i think there might be hope for her. She is strong in their faith, but she has a nose ring and a tattoo and we talked about astrology, so she is more open-minded. I’m sure i’ll get to know the others better – they’re all so young!

Well, I am fine. This is a good place in general. Maybe I’m supposed to work through some karma here.

I wish I was alone. I wish I was back in the United States. I should have tried harder to return.

This is a magnificently beautiful place. There are huge, dramatic mountains and a river that is crystal clear and tinted turquoise – impossibly beautiful! We can go on walks, and there are 5 trails in the area.

I guess I have everything i need. I just can’t stand being locked down with 22 people.

How are you? Are you bored yet? I hope you’re doing well!

Much love, X


On Fri, Mar 27, 2020, 6:29 PM Mama wrote:

How do you do? How are things shaping up, going on? I am so glad you are there and not here. It is a disaster here and they say it is just the beginning of it. The census job I was talking about: the census is post- pointed to September. People losing jobs by millions every day.

Just hope, they will send you the stimulus check or put it on your account as they do to every American citizen. It is $ 1200, not bad. You was a good citizen  – you have filed your taxes on time. Unlike me, today, in order that they would have my right address.

I am so glad you are there!  One dude on the internet said: according to the Chinese philosophy there are meridians in general. the 40th meridian is called meridian of death: it goes through the Wohon, China, Itali, New York, Washington, DC, LA, CA… I do not sure how much I should believe him, but it made me glad that you are not here mingling with the stupid crowd here.

And I hope you are not mingling with the stupid crowd there! You have stopped to relate to me. Maybe you doing something you do not want me to know?! Or, you are in such a hell that you do not have any internet connection? I hope you are staying warm and cozy, healthy and safe. Let me know how do you do, if you can.  

love, Mother