Tag: The Lodge

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April 14 – Day 20, Journal

Passover is timed perfectly this year – a bright spot halfway through level 4 lockdown in New Zealand. I am grateful for the abundance of good food and good vibes.

There’s a palpable difference in the air now that Alma has disappeared. Peter says that she has to stay in bed, as the accident caused severe vertigo.

Lieutenant Christine has risen to the occasion splendidly! Christine knows order, and her voice strengthens every day as she’s learning to impose it on this unruly community. We all pitch in, with vigor and honor, if not enthusiasm. The chores are easy when there are so many hands to help. And I think we all respect her authority because nobody wants the responsibility of attachment to this lodge.

I think They are finally starting to understand that I’m not a part of their cult. I’ve always been quite honest about my spirituality; I’ll express joy and gratitude towards God without shame. This does overlap with Christianity, so I can see where i might have been misleading.

Papa is part of their cult, so they probably assumed I was indoctrinated, and that’s why they were so happy to have me. And probably why Peter gave me free wifi. I think they’re struggling to understand me – I wish they’d just ask, instead of not allowing me to teach yoga and meditation, as if that would keep things safe. I wonder if I could really channel demons in meditation. Surely that’s redundant because the Absolute encompasses both angels and demons.

Christine keeps trying to pin down my beliefs, but I don’t want to tell her that I believe that her beliefs are antiquated and misogynistic and invasive. My number one rule is still to do no harm. Ahimsa. I’ve been neatly dodging her with: “I believe that Jesus was a good guy, and his messages of love and peace are exactly right.”

I will challenge her very gently; just enough spine to uphold my own beliefs. I don’t want to lose my place here.

She has reverence for the wonder and beauty of her spirit, and of course it’s natural to experience that in a church. She’s trapped in her preconditioning, poor girl. This is such a delightful age; 21, and she doesn’t even see the wonderful buffet of life in front of her.

After the Seder, I was far enough away from Christine, Peter, and Jessica to respond truthfully when Ariel needled me about my beliefs. I think i’m still uncategorized in most of the Israelis’ minds, and that’s a barrier that i’d like to remove.

“Do you really believe like them?” Ariel asked. He’d caught me rolling my eyes during hour 2 of the PowerPoint-assisted Messianic sermon.

“Uh, no. Not at all. This was my father: these are his beliefs that he pushed on me when I was a child. So, I understand it, i know what these people are, and they mostly have good hearts. But no. These beliefs are limiting and destructive.”

“I do believe in God, but not like them. I believe God to be life force that is not restricted to one form or expression, but is limitless, and therefore in all forms and expressions. This conversation is God. I am God, you are God, the peach tree is God…”

At this point I trailed off into laughter that echoed the welcoming grin on Ariel’s face. I love him – that grin is ten miles wide, and there’s always a vague naughtiness in his eyes. He’s loud, restless, single, charismatic, and of there was a rebellion here, he’d end up being the leader of it.

This is the kind of spirit that I am grateful to witness and enjoy.

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April 12 – Day 18, Journal

A sudden rainshower disturbed my copasetic yoga practice this morning. I wonder what Alma’s up to, with her poor broken face. We often suffer injury at our weakest point.

It was starting to rain, so I thought to bring in the communal towels that were drying outside. As I folded in the foyer, Avi came through, and we marvelled at how it was raining in the bright sun on one side of the house, but not on the other.

Peter, Alma’s husband and servant, came through a few moments later, and I asked after her health. Folding the towels is Alma’s domain.

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” I widened my eyes to indicate the vastness of anything, met his fearful gaze, and felt the sex spark unexpectedly deep in my uterus.

Feelings aren’t that powerful unless they are acknowledged by more than one person. Who started that spark? Am I just receptive, empathic and feminine enough to feel people’s feelings, or can I use my own sex-energy to fuck with people?

A storm is brewing to the northwest. Miriam thinks that a storm is brewing inside as well. I hope so! I feel so alive, so happy here! I haven’t been this happy since Pup.

I’m finding more joy in these social interactions than I thought was possible.

Moshe hurt his back playing volleyball while Davina and I were making peach jam from the generous tree in the backyard. A disc injury in the lower back, above the 2nd or 3rd vertebrae.

Same as the tension in Avi’s back. Typical of a young man spending too much time in front of a screen – i’ve seen the same tightness in almost every man I’ve dated.

Avi asked me for some yoga moves to help his back, and Miriam assisted in our healing session. She kind of cock-blocked me without knowing it, but he has Sara, and I adore Sara as much as I adore everyone here. What is wrong with me? A vast heart.

Miriam is a healer, too. It’s so good to talk with someone who understands energy in people. She’s lived life and she gets it, like a mother does. I love her, too. I sometimes wish I was the kind of person who could be a good friend.

Davina, too. I love her, too – her depth, her earthiness, her Israeli bluntness and her Scandinavian sweetness. I think i inadvertently hurt her when I said that I wish I could be playing volleyball while we were making jam together. But, of course, I wanted to be there with Davina and the jam! That’s why I chose to be there, and not at the ill-fated volleyball match that caused such injury to Moshe’s back.

It seemed like the whole compound was at the match except Davina and I, so I only heard what happened second-hand. There were several games, and Moshe landed on a previously injured spot on his back during a heroic save.

I thought I could help Moshe that evening, and I tried to place healing energy into his back. He said that he didn’t feel a difference, but my bones felt shaken and my shins tingled heavily, like dull brass.

Sometime during the second game, Jessica got offended and flounced off the court. She told me it was because Ariel gave her an exasperated look after she missed several shots in a row. Everyone else told me it was because she’s a bitch.

I can see that Jessica is having a difficult time in this strange situation. She’s more and more inclined inwards, and i see her getting lost in her fears. Some days she just won’t respond to my (admittedly far too cheerful) greetings. She’s always looking down and in – her phone, her laptop, the oven, the stove, the Bible… I guess whatever’s there is making her grumpy.

She did say that her hormones got out of control in the weeks before her time of the month, and it made her cranky. Well, here we are. I think she needs to get laid.

The 4 single guys (room 5) were hanging out in the dining room a few days ago and i asked them if they’d decided who would get Jessica and who would get Christine.

“If this really was the end of the world,” I asked them, “if the Coronavirus destroyed mankind, and all that was left was this one bubble of the Zula, what would happen? We’d have to repopulate the planet, for sure, with as much genetic diversity as possible. You’re the single guys – that means one of you has to take Jessica and one of you has to take Christine. It’s your duty to the entire species.”

A good-natured argument ensued, with much finger-pointing and bawdy laughter. I love these guys! Ariel and Itai agreed they’d rather be with each other than with Christine. Jessica’s fate was unclear.

It’s surprising to me that these young ladies have such lovely figures but such repellant personalities. Not that being attractive sexually has anything to do with one’s value. It’s just that the pieces are all there inside of these young women (warmth, kindness… nu, what else do you need to be a pleasant human?) and these pieces don’t match up to make a whole that is desirable.

I just wanna juggle those pieces around, match up some edges for them. But dammit, it’s none of my business.

If there’s one thing that I learned from killing Pup, it’s that you shouldn’t fuck with the way things are.

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April 10 – Day 16, Journal

A hunter separates her prey from the herd. It is astonishingly hard to corner just one of the Israeli boys. They move together, like notes in a chord, like a river whose ocean seems to be a bottle of wine and a deck of cards.

I can’t violate the student/teacher contract, can I?

I can wait. Weave the web, bide my time. No need to pounce, like a cougar. Just sit back and let him come. 3 o’clock.

Alma crashed her bike, hurt her face, and bruised her brain. How will this change the power dynamic? Will she still control her kingdom – God’s kingdom – from her cold bed?

Whose God is the strongest now?

He talks a lot, but I still don’t understand him. We found a great fucking spot, in the shade of a juniper, on the long grass on top of a nearby hill. I’m not satisfied. I want another one. Or two.

Do they feel the call of the full moon, too?

The Mormon told me that he was a Roman soldier. He told me about the battle between Cain and Abel, between Lucifer’s army of fallen angels and the holy army of God, between the roiling darkness and the sacred light through all time. I didn’t interrupt to tell him that they are one and the same.

“I can’t believe I’m telling all of this to a stranger,” he said, as we walked back in the lavender dusk.

“I’m not a stranger!” I stepped in front of him and kissed him. “Do you want to have sex again?”

I did. His passion aroused me hard, but the sun was setting. No time. I should have been back at the lodge half an hour ago. I sped back to the compound with need throbbing in me.

What does this man know about the ancient battle between good and evil? Is he crazy?

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April 9, Day 15, Journal

I didn’t get lucky after the Seder last night, but I didn’t try very hard. I just ate and drank and hung out and danced and had a fantastic time.

What does it take to be a predator? I know how to be the receptive feminine. How do I send my energy towards one goal while still casting my net wide?

Ah! The spider!

She weaves. With every morning, she creates her world, she defines her battleground.

Can I be a funnel? Can the full moon be my axis mundi? Am i, like the spider, completely inconsequential and uninteresting?

I feel power inside me. It rocks me hard and i want the friction of “other”. A good one this time.

Which one?

We’re all one.

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April 6 – Day 12, Journal

I feel more things than I was taught to comprehend, so the words that I must use to describe my experiences in life are always a pale approximation of the true moment. But truth is important. And truth is stranger than fiction, and naturally more interesting.

I feel more things. I feel people’s moods and emotions when i walk into a room, and sometimes I don’t know if I’m experiencing their emotions or mine.

So, I have to be careful and discerning. When I feel something, I need to step back from that feeling (thank you, yoga) and see if belongs to me. Then, I can decide how to proceed in a given moment.

It’s taken years of being alone to understand what feelings come from me. I’ve found that I’m not that emotional anymore because every feeling is tempered and sweetened by the peace which passeth understanding.

Is it wrong, then, to eavesdrop on other people’s feelings? They don’t know that they’re oozing emotion, and that I soak it up like a sponge. And I can’t really help it. I just become inundated with the energy around me.

That’s why I’m very careful with the people and environment around me. I want to be who I am: healthy, happy, creative and completely unafraid. Somehow, I’m not strong enough to be myself in an overwhelming environment. When I’m stuck with people who are fearful or angry or twisted inside, I start to become like that, too. I can usually tell, now, which energy is mine, and which is a lie.

All of it is an untruth in some way: all of these emotions are smudges on the clear glass through which the divine within us perceives this moment, this life. To see clearly, you’ve got to clean the smudges. But I do see, I have seen, the piercing diamond clarity of God. And it seems like God enjoys the smudges because they’re interesting, because they are all aspects of God.

Being God, is it not my duty to experience the infinite?

Of course I should climb the most dramatic mountains, search out the most idyllic streams, and find the loveliest views of this grand country. Of course, I must spend hours basking in the sun and the Source, existing in the purity of nature – that’s where it’s easy to be God.

It’s less easy and more interesting to be God in a house full of different aspects of God. I am so lucky (SO lucky!!) to be amongst people who are not deeply twisted or angry or fearful. These fellow inmates of mine are kind, honest, and fun! I am endlessly grateful for getting stuck with such lovely people.

It was probably the third evening when Miriam (the mother of the little family) and I were talking over dinner about the dynamics of the group. There are 3 or 4 of the young Israelis who are less enthusiastic about cleaning, and we were considering the balance of effort in our group.

“I can tell that the girls are going to be the problem,” Miriam told me, “They’re difficult.”

She pointed her chin at Natalie, whose delicately authoritative face shone with the light of aloof youth. Did she sit more and work less than the others? Natalie seemed cold to me at first, but I somehow was blessed by affection from her. I say that completely without cynicism – her true smile was a pink rose blooming, and I am so grateful to know her.

The girls were in the minority: 10 to 12, if you count the children. Four available young men, and only 3 available women: me and the 2 super-Christians, Jessica and Christine. So, most of the women have men, and they can afford to slack off because they have their men to cover for them. They’re young; drunk with the power of fresh relationships and expendable incomes. It’s fine. They’ve all been through the army and they know cooperation. I trust these young ones to put in as much effort as I will. After all, I’m the only one taking Shabbat off. Maybe nobody’s noticed – I haven’t been called out yet.

Nobody’s perfect. Most of them are quite young – just trying on adulthood for the first time. They do well! Everyone cooperates with our cleaning duties, more or less. Nobody has a sour attitude… Except my roommate.

Jessica told me that she has some mental health imbalances like anxiety and depression, especially around her time of the month. She’s been friendly so far, and we’ve had some great conversations about hair and religion. I can see that she’s uncomfortable in this situation, though. Sometimes she’ll go inside herself, and i can almost hear the defeating, depressive cycles of thought.

Jessica doesn’t like most of the Israelis because they’re loud and irreverent. I guess i can never tell her that i couldn’t sleep the first night because she was talking so loudly with Christine in the hall until midnight.

She’s so American. Thank God for Christine. They’re great friends; Jessica and Christine, always talking, cooking, sharing, and doing their daily devotions. Jessica needs a friend like that. I think it keeps her balanced.

I went to devotions with them once. Peter and Alma have these hour-long sessions in their home every weekday morning at 9am. On the fourth or fifth day, i joined them, just to see. It was horrifically boring, just like going to church. Peter spoke at length, occasionally looking to Alma for approval. She only called him out once on the history of Babylon, and that’s when i heard the iron in her voice. As sweet as she is, there’s no doubt that she’s in charge.

We looked at Daniel, and his prophecies of Babylon or something. It seemed very important to them to make this ancient hallucination relevant to them and their sober, modern lives. It’s strange that they glorify Daniel’s visions on one hand, while forbidding meditation on the other.

I still do it. Meditate. In that state, I can feel the emotions and energy around me without letting them sink in, maybe because I’m already full with the Divine. I’m getting better, too! I can maintain my Self, even though I’m soaked through with others’ emotions.

And I like these emotions! Happy, sociable, hedonistic, adventurous, rebellious… These are the young, delightful feelings around me; this is the water in which I’m stewing. It’s a lot of testosterone. I love testosterone! It makes me giddy with joy and power. I’ve spent a lot of time with women in my line of work, and i do prefer the energy of men.

Testosterone is life-energy to me. It turns me on, gets me moving, and unleashes that fearless joy that makes life worthwhile. I crave it. I wilt without it. With it, I am complete and powerful.

If only men weren’t such dicks, I could be king of the world!

I can feel the testosterone here – so young and fresh! I’m always a little turned on. I feel alive and open and generous.

That’s probably what attracted the Mormon. A few days ago, I went for my daily walk to clear out the lodge energy and to refresh the peaceful purity of myself. We are so lucky to have these beautiful walks around us, and so lucky that we are allowed to disappear into the wilderness for hours on end with no questions asked.

He was walking his dog, Rex, and for some reason, i got pulled into chatting with him. His English accent is so charming.

We maintained our distance – 6 feet apart at all times.We walked together along the river for an hour, dipping into the woods to follow a dusty trail where rabbits burrowed thickly, like Jews in Florida. The land rose quickly, and we scrabbled up the perforated hills until we found a fine spot to sit and talk.

We spoke about the pandemic, society, revolution, and rabbits. He had a rollie, and told me he’d bring something so that we could smoke together next time. The light slanted through the dense pines and Rex dug a fine hole in the hill upon which we were sitting.

We walked back to his car, and he gave me his number, scrawled on the back of a business card that was already tattooed with the number of a Charlene.

“Never mind that,” he said, “I don’t need that anymore.” He leaned in, then remembered the virus, and then leaned back in, cautiously extending a hand. Hesitantly, I took his hand. And with that little gesture, I popped the bubble that protected our lovely lodge from the deadly Coronavirus.

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April 3 – Day 9, Correspondence

Emails between Sister and I

Dear Sister, Yes, you know how Mama tries to brainwash!

It’s too obvious, though – whenever she reaches a particular stage of passion on her chosen subject, i automatically start doubting the truth of her words. I feel bad that i don’t take her seriously, but her truth is different than the real truth sometimes – it’s colored to protect her.

She always tells the story of her divorce where i stayed with Papa and rejected her, as if i deserted her, as if i made a decision against her. Well, yeah, i can’t live with her, but i stayed with Papa because i felt sorry for him and i wanted to live in a safe, stable place after Australia and before college.

My decision had little to do with her. Well, maybe i wanted to avoid her excessive emotions, but i was 16! I had to worry about applying for college and prom, not soothing her and counselling her.

She is very obsessed with her own perspective. Even when i correct her about how things happened, she still only remembers her own story.

I see that she also wants me to be obsessed with her perspective – always pushing her ideas – but i’ve learned to detach. I really enjoy figuring out my own perspective. It’s fun, like a puzzle – what is the truest truth for me in a situation? 

Frankly, it’s rude that someone would take that joy away from me. Not just Mama; Papa, too, with his religious ideas.

His perspective of the truth is not even his perspective. It’s someone else’s (Moses’? John’s? Scott Brown’s? Who knows) and he’s just so pleased with it that he’s memorized that perspective and spits it out to anyone who will listen.

He just happens to have a mass of people behind him (the owners of this lodge, too) who are the same. At least Mama has original stories… All with the same plot, of course: the world is evil and against me, and i am an innocent victim. 

Unfortunately, we are stuck with that story in our heads, and it stains my view of the world. I see it though, and i’m trying hard to scrub that stain away so that i can have a clear, true perspective.

They are vampires! I’m always exhausted after i spend time with either one of them. They take my attention and i see how they feed off it.

I feel like they’re starving for someone to truly listen to them. Do they not get the love they need?

Why should i give my life-energy when all i get in return is bad memories from Mama and this uncomfortable box to live in from Papa? He makes me feel fake and worthless and the sad thing is, i think it makes him more comfortable to see me living inside this tiny box of what he thinks is right.

I can’t even explain that i am so much more than the child he thinks i am. I don’t think he has the capacity to understand the richness and subtlety of my adult experiences.

If i can’t be who i am, how can i relax? And if i can’t relax, how can i love?

I’m supposed to be studying hebrew verb forms, and i cannot concentrate on them! Just like my childhood. There is an adorable fellow (they’re all adorable – so young!) named Moshe who is trying to teach me hebrew. I need to be a better student, but i am struggling to focus on the grammer.

*update: poor Moshe hurt his back playing volleyball, so no lessons for a while, i guess.

So, Papa is giving us our own money so that he can feel important and gather our gratitude while he is alive? That sounds right. I thought his generosity was suspicious.

And i know the stock market is super-low right now, so basically, i am stealing from myself. He offered money several times, and I finally asked for $740, because that’s how much the new plane ticket was. I was shocked when he offered $3000!

It was really hard to find a way to transfer the money – he wanted to use a particular app, Zelle, that my bank wouldn’t accept, and it took about 3 days of writing back and forth for him to accept a different app.

And even then, he only sent $500 to see if it worked. Which is reasonable. And it did work! After another 3 days. And now he wants to wait until the 15th to send a similar amount. At this rate, it will take 2 more months to get $3000.

Is he playing some game of getting my attention? Is it cheaper for him somehow? Yeah, i really don’t like it when someone promises something and doesn’t deliver.

Just state your wishes in the beginning! If you don’t want to give me money, don’t! I never asked for $3000, and now i’m involved in this elaborate game of Chase the Money.

*update: i got the first $500, and the second $500 is en route, and now he’s asking if i want more! Did he promise $3000 or was that a joke? Do i have to beg for each $500? What game is this! I do not want to play anymore, and i do not need money from him that badly.

Yeah, the idea that his wife’s kids are getting half of our inheritance irks me, too. And they ask for it all the time! No shame! It’s a different type of person.

How did we end up with so much self-respect in ourselves? Maybe we saw that we wanted to be very separate from our parents from an early age? Because they never really fulfilled our needs so we learned to live on our own quickly?

Geez. My roommate smells. None of the boys smell this much. It’s cold, so i have to shut the window and huddle near the heater, right next to her clothes.

How does a girl smell so sweaty all the time, especially in this cold? I know, she is of a Pitta (fire) constitution, and they have the strongest smell… She can’t help it. Well, she could eat less meat and wash her clothes. But it is unpleasant, and i am rarely in my room because of it.

I’m finding ways to enjoy this situation, and i was surprised to find out yesterday that i am truly happy right now!

Really full of joy! It’s probably all this young energy around me? I feel like everyone likes me, and i really love everyone.

It’s agape love – that brotherly love that covers everyone – and it’s authentic and brings me joy. I’ve never felt like this for longer than a few days.

I’m being myself, and people here are generous and kind, and they all work together with good hearts. Maybe it helps to see the dawn over the wild ragged mountains every day, or the clean, cold river. Maybe this is the lesson here, and i was meant to experience this.

Aha!! I thought, at the beginning of my NZ trip: this is where i’ll learn about the element of air. This is a land of birds and wind and sky.

But!! Within us, the element of air is in the heart chakra (according to Vedic philosophy). So maybe, a lesson in air is actually a lesson of expansion for the heart? 

See, this is where yoga goes into uncomfortable territory for these bible-thumpers. It’s too much information.

If you breathe and stretch the heart-space open, you will expand the heart and loosen the knots of fear and past trauma trapped there. Yes, it is an excellent exercise for the cardiovascular system, but feelings will arise.

These people are afraid of feelings (fear is the opposite of love). Why, i don’t know. You have to feel to heal.

When I first got here, I laid down for 20 minutes on my back with a large pile of laundry under my rib cage and then had a good cry, and I feel wonderful! There is now space to contain this strange, all-encompassing love. 

That’s the thing with yoga – it can heal physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually – it’s up to you how far you want to take it.

You can feel energies in your body and learn to shape them. To me, this is understanding God.

Defining the location and function of the energies by calling them chakras is necessary because english doesn’t have words for it. Sanskrit just another language – it’s not evil.

It really bothers me that they consider everything outside of the Bible as evil. The world is bigger than that, and God is bigger than that. 

Ok – too much with the yoga, I know. In general, all is well, and I hope I can use the ticket that I bought to go home on the 28th. Should I try to start something with one of the boys?

There are 4 single ones, between 22 and 24, and I’m looking for a diversion. I love being old and divorced and not caring at all what anyone thinks of me. 

Well, all the best to you and the family! Good luck with school! Will you be finished with that in May? I’m so happy that the river is cleaner! This pandemic could be a restart for our civilization if we allow it. Sorry for the very long email.
I love you!

On Apr 2, 2020, 11:43 AM, Sister wote:

hi X, i hope mama did not brainwash you with that old “you tried to run away from us but we are your family engraved in your heart”. you don’t have to bear that. 

Papa is NOT your family. Even Mama is NOT your family.

All they did from the beginning is tear us down ( and they are still doing it).

Both of them are vampires.

Just God alone is your family.  

We are NOT engraved in your heart: you are free and independant. The only one engraved in your heart is God alone, and not your mean family.

I know how you feel because she tries to push this idea of family on me. but i just don’t feel the vibe because of all the mean things they said and did. 

Mark 3:33 “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.

34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 

35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

Well, I’ll let you figure what god’s will is. At least it is not lying (or defending other people’s lies) and manipulating. I am not sure how you can get out of that stuffy house .

when I was taught Yoga, I always considered it a sport, not a religion, so I’m still quite confused by that idea that yoga is harmful to your soul. I am sorry, but i do not understand.

I heard that idea before. when I took yoga classes, I enjoyed stretching… I did not find it spiritually dangerous. at least not more than swimming.

I wish you could make a beautiful new start in new zealand, far away from the parents. But with papa’s connections, it is a bad start. How can you escape?

Papa did not hesitate to send praises to God to everyone he knows for the result of his righteous acts. one small problem: they are spiritually hurting and undermining you. I hope you can get out of this situation without too much damage.

did you ever get the money or was it all a show? (like I said, it is not from his pocket, but he takes it “on bad rates” from your own inheritance account. I’m not sure if our step-brothers have an account or if papa sends them money from his own pocket. either way it is insulting that he puts a satanic witch’s children on the same level as his own flesh and blood).

Good-bye. I hope I did not gossip too much or hurt your ears. I am just concerned. Love, Sister

On Friday April 3, at 5:02AM, Mama wrote:

My Dearest X!
I listened to one video while I was eating my breakfast. The point she made there is the people who are strong inside are usually are surviving all of these epidemics. People, who have support from the people surround them. 

If you feel you are not fit and feel the prosecution – you better go away from those people. Now as never before we need the inner stability, inner KNOWLEDGE  that we are excepted, we loved, and just left at peace and will be not pocked!

She said we were taught for many years: give the other cheek, forgive, don’t pay attention. She said: now is time: to put your foot down on a brake, Do not let no one humiliate you, keep distances.

If a person harassing you – tell her/him what you think about her behavior. Keep the hygiene, keep the distancing. Stick with relatives – who loves you [it is me] and kick the relatives who have nothing to do with your well being. which is Papa.

Make sharp divisions, borders. The inner confidence will save you, every one of us. That what she said.By being there – is violates all of your rights and it is NOT right.

The little bitch – is a little bitch -she is not a little, she is growing to be a big bitch. You do not have to tolerate her will to dominance. You can’t? – you go away. I feel, as more, you sit there the fewer options you have for the defense of your physical body, LIFE.

I am very concerned and worry about you. The fucker will survive because you let her win, you will be sick because you will feel that all the world hates you. and your world now it a fucking cult fatherjaka put you in.

I divorced him. it is time for you to divorce him, too. Fucker is a fucker – it is a Constant – it will NEVER change.

Once, in Israel, when I was pregnant with you in the 9th month! It is about a month before your birth, father has this idea from the blue: we must go to the moshav and live in the community of the pioneers-holy-people-disciples.

We went to Finland’s moshav near Jerusalem and “settled”. The fuck was – they hated me from the first glance. They thought: it is not ‘modest” to be so pregnant. what I can do in this stage of pregnancy?!

They thought: I am eating too much in the fucking dining hall, and it is was impossible to hide any food in the room where the temperature is 90-103 degrees Fahrenheit every day and night and mosquitos -like crazy eat you alive day and night.

They like Father: he looked like them: worked in the wooden shop talked the language they understood, and I spoke Hebrew, and they hated the sound of it! I even didn’t know how to cook, so they could use me just like the dishwasher and not for a long – my eczema started to bloom like madness!

In the end: they have had dogs, like nazi around the compound to protect the property. They unleashed on me one mad dog on command! I felt on the ground because it hit me, but I do not afraid of dogs: she thought I will run and be damaged more: but I was so mad: I started to scream on him on a top of my longs: get out of me! And he will not go!

Until she casually called him. Father didn’t get the key for action, but I said I do not do this fuck any more and the next day went to mama. He came after, he couldn’t understand why I can’t forgive and forget. ask now: he is still do not have a clue!

I am urging you: it the government of New Zealand allowed yet to move away from this place – do it for the sake of your physical body, your mind, and soul. YOU do not have to go through this intimidation.   

They are breaking the law by putting you with a stinky person in one room. Where is your isolation is there? It is not! You are not allowed to do yoga – it is what you are all about! It is fascist compound- run, run away and far away from this satanic place. PLEASE.

Also, you were mention of the truck, some kind of the trailer? – NEVER  go there! You are NOT white trash – you do NOT know how to be it, so – even do not try it! Stop experimenting with your luck, safety and trying God’s patience!

Berezhjonogo – Bog berezhjot! God keeping safe who are keeping safe themselves!

It is time to come to civilization where you belong. Stop playing the underdog -as you know – you are NOT it. YOu can’t tolerate even the thought of it! Stop fighting yourself – love yourself, respect yourself, appreciate yourself.

Enough of father’s brainwash, Stop it! NOW.

It is time to save yourself and not to spread yourself thin. Really, X, I mean it. Not because I hate father guts it is nothing to do with it now – because I do not want more damage to you!

He damaged me, it is past. Your life is in front of you. Fuck him and run to the safety.

I will help you. I do not have any expenses now. I bought all the furniture, all the food for 3 months stash. Go ahead, find the dignifying place and live there in peace until you will be able to come back. After they will clean up your passage to home from this virus.

Straighten up your inner centerline, the rhachis. Think. What is BEST FOR YOU. Act. With all of my good intentions and love – I wish you good health, clarity of mind, wisdom, strength, luck. You have to do what you have to do! No one will do it for you.

I do not know. It is some epicenters of the virus there in NZ. You may be listening to the news there, you know where they are. Please, avoid those places, but go out of this compound of satanic cockroaches. Go across the street but go away! Go where you feel you will be safe mentally and physically.

Yes, one of the points this philosopher has made is: when you are mentally fit -you will survive the epidemic no matter what. You can’t be fit in this environment of harassment, it is ridiculous fucking disgusting. I know you – you can’t. What else is holding glued you there?!

You are in my every moment prayers and thoughts.We are all worried about you. Please, please! survive this epidemic! Save yourself! It is worse than anyone thought. It does not discriminate, not young age not nothing. Please! Be safe, keep distances, please! do not be sick! I love you so much! Mother

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March 31 – Day 6, Journal

I am establishing my role as distant friend and eccentric spiritual leader. I don’t know what I’m doing here, in this little town on the south island of New Zealand. If we could just banish the idea of property, what a difference that would make in the world.

My yoga classes are none of my doing. The people here are wonderful. All these aspects of God shining honestly.

22 is a big number. It was Mark from Nimbin’s life number. He has Papa’s birthday tattooed on his neck, except it’s exactly 50 years later. That’s the birthday of his son.

It was so easy with Mark. We felt like we already knew each other. And I saw every one of my ex-boyfriends in him. Jason’s possessiveness, Keith’s denseness, and James’ blackfella-ness. Ben’s devotion, the magician’s desire, and the Canadian’s need for gratification.

He was incomprehensible and impotent like the Mexican waiter, he was insistent and irate like the half-Filipino drug dealer, and he naturally took charge like Paul. He was unstable like Mike, and talkative like Jake, although those two don’t count as boyfriends.

He was oblivious, like every single one of them, to the nature of God within him.

It seems like I’m the only one that sees myself when I look into other people’s eyes, but I know that can’t be true.

Pup is the only one, and Rogue, too; they know the truth of One-ness.

And the dog at the beach near Nelson, too; the black-and-white shepherd mix with intelligent amber eyes. I loved her for her proud carriage and impeccable guardianship of her lonely blonde mistress, swathed in black flannel.

My eyes shone to see her goodness, and our eyes met as the two passed, her jaunty tail held high, mistress downcast. They walked on and I lingered. I poked through the sand for seashells (and possibly Pounamu) and padded through the gentle waves.

They returned, the mistress breezing past first, dark and silent. I’d turned in the other direction (probably south-east) and i didn’t see her coming. The dog approached me from behind as well, two moments later.

Long, silky fur brushed past my left side, and the dog paused and looked up into my face. Clear, honest amber eyes filled my vision and the words, “so KIND” filled my mind.

A second later, she was gone, trotting close to her brittle mistress.

How can any of this be true?

How can I be stuck for 4 weeks in a messianic lodge in the middle of New Zealand with 17 Israelis and 4 fundamentalist Christians?

What am I?

God.

What game is God playing?

Global pandemic?

I don’t understand this comfortless reality without Pup. I don’t like it.

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March 31 – Day 6, Correspondence

Emails between Sister and I

Hi Sister! I’m glad you guys are feeling better – I imagine, over the next few weeks, you won’t have to deal with any more bugs since you are all cozy at home. Happy Birthday to your little one!!! Did you have a little party?

I did find a place, with Papa’s help – he has a network of these messianic people around the world somehow. His friend led me to another friend, who owns a backpacker lodge near Wanaka, right in the middle of the south island.

This lodge caters to Israelis – they love Israelis, although they are from south africa and self-described ‘goyim’. They love Israelis so much that they (this couple, Peter and Alma, who are funded by some ministry) offer them 3 free nights of lodging (i mean in the normal world, not just during the lockdown).

Why would they lose so much money on purpose? So that they can minister to them. They trap Israelis and try to gently convert them with pamphlets and twice-weekly prayer nights. I don’t know how to feel about this. They probably feel the same about me. They assumed that i was part of their herd because of Papa, and i tried to pretend for a couple days, but i am far too honest and independent for that silliness to continue.

We are 22. Mostly young Israelis, fresh out of the army, and one Israeli family with 3 kids, aged 7 to 14. My roommate is the other American… Strangely, she’s from Maryland, about 15 minutes away from where i used to live. She is 23, and drank the Koolaid because that’s how she grew up. Jessica is happy about the daily devotions that they do because she wants to grow in Christ.

She’s already been here for a few weeks, long enough that she is best friends with Christine from Austria, the 21yo niece of Peter and Alma that has been living here for months and helps take care of this place. Christine is strong in their faith. She is young, and is frightened of new things, and knows nothing because she’s afraid of evil spirits. Indoctrinated. 

Alma is in charge, although you never see her – Peter is the one that communicates with us. Alma is the wizard behind the curtain, and she loves the bible. We had a beautiful shared Shabbat meal last night, and she read from the bible and touted Jesus and played a hymn for us at 8:30pm as we were hungry and waiting for our beautiful food.

Luckily, the father of the Israeli family used to be a chef, and he loves to cook mountains of food! Not always kosher food. 

You may laugh, but I am actually the strongest Jew here. These Israeli kids don’t care – they and the family are not at all religious. But they (and i) noticed when we had a strange 5 candles for shabbat. The goyim have no clue what it means to be Jewish, but they are adamant that their God (of Avraham, Itzhak and Jaacov) is the correct one, and that they love Jews.

What will Passover be like? Will I be the one leading it? Hah! Never in my life could I imagine this odd circumstance. Last night, someone asked if we had to participate in the daily chores today, on shabbat. Peter and Alma laughed… Hahaha… You’re not getting away with it that easy, they said.

That felt so wrong. I know I am not the best Jewess, but I love the traditions. It gives me the connection to a tribe that i crave. My beliefs are very personal – they are formed from my direct experience, so I can’t share them with anyone. But you need a community, ancestors, roots.

To put it in yoga terms: the root chakra – this is the part of our being that is about basic survival: food and warmth and community and safety. Without it, your upper 6 chakras cannot function as well.

Maybe you know the feeling of having no roots. I’ve felt it often while travelling, because it’s nearly impossible to root while moving. You feel shaky, ungrounded, like dandelion fluff on the wind, because there’s absolutely nothing or nobody to anchor you in this time and place.

I’ve anchored myself with habits and patterns and these last vestiges of my ancestors. Also with literal rocks. I’m so silly. I spent 3 days at a place called gemstone beach, and 4 days searching for Pounamu, the sacred jade tears that wash down the rivers from the mountain to the sea as the Maori god Poutini mourns the loss of his beloved.

I found some! In a river called Styx. My souvenirs are an opal from Australia, a wee bit of a carved sandstone column in the Angkor Wat, my Pounamu, and a blue topaz ring.  

One thing that’s become incredibly important to me since my divorce is Shabbat. I’ve been fired from a few jobs because i won’t work on Shabbat. I’ve lost friends, and i’ve lost countless opportunities to make money. How many hundreds was I unable to apply for because they insist that i work on Shabbat? So many.

I could be such a respectable and wealthy citizen if i would just bend my stiff neck and labor on the Sabbath. People think i’m lazy, maybe, or snobby, but i have fought so so hard to stick to this one conviction.

Just one! Just one day that is for me and God alone. We Jews have fought for this! This shouldn’t be an issue in this modern time. But it’s made me poor and unpopular in the job market.

Why is this so important to me? Maybe because people are exhausting and i need to be away from social interaction for 24 hours a week. Maybe because I need this hellish, relentless world to just leave me alone. Maybe because I deserve one good day out of seven.

I didn’t say anything, but i skipped out on chore time. It’s just half an hour of cleaning -really not bad, and i’m on kitchen duty, which is easy.

We are allowed to go on walks, and the kiwis know how to set up walks. There are four or five trails in our area, most of which go for 6-8km into the surrounding wilderness. The snow-capped, jagged mountains are the dramatic background, but we are in a more gentle area.

There are several crystal clear rivers tumbling over pale grey pebbles. Crystal clear, yet somehow fantastically tinted turquoise. It’s unreal how perfect these little rivers are.

And nobody with megaphones! People are about, walking and biking and keeping their distance because New Zealanders thrive in these conditions. As do I!

Anyway, I went for a long walk on Shabbat and got back an hour after chore time. A few people asked where I’d been, but it seems there weren’t any consequences to my disobedience. I haven’t told anyone about my Sabbath convictions, and I’m afraid to. Should i? Would they understand or just laugh?

Maybe I would be happy to be kicked out of this place. I am so cold. Winter is coming, and they are cheap with the heat. I wear 2 or 3 pants and at least 2 wool sweaters at all times. But the toilets flush and the bed is warm. Mostly because I have my own extra blanket.

The owners (what shall I call them? The bible thumpers) are exactly what we grew up with. Small-minded and absolutely sure that they are right and that everybody should think just like them. They instantly reject anything outside of their bible. (Except working on Shabbat??!)

They don’t make informed decisions, they allow their church to decide what to believe and accept. I think that is mental and spiritual weakness. Laziness, even. Like sheep… Just stupid.

Which is fine, except these people have power. Stupids trying to force others into their mindless ways. 

I am extra upset because of the yoga incident. I mentioned that i was a yoga teacher to the mother of the family, Miriam, and she wanted a class! So, i taught a class to 3 people, and it was good.

Before the class, we were talking about it, and Christine heard, and her huge cow eyes widened behind her huge glasses.

Infidels! I could see her panic, and she immediately started talking about how yoga might harm the spirit.

I told her that yoga is what you want it to be, and that i usually teach from a purely physical standpoint (put your hand here, inhale to reach your leg back…). She thinks that yoga is Buddhism, and i did not correct her, because the truth is probably more threatening.

Yoga developed in India alongside Hindu deities, but it is actually it’s own thing. Yoga is a science, not a by-product of a religion.

The tricky thing is that it is a spiritual science. It is instructions on how to access God within you.

I mean, it takes decades to master, and most people don’t have the patience. But yoga doesn’t tell you what to believe, it tells you how to figure it out for yourself.

So, it’s not a pursuit for lazy, stupid sheep that just want to be told what to do. And, extra bonus, just moving your body in a way that opens its channels is physically healing. Pains go away, tensions are released so that habitual motions don’t cause permanent physical damage, and you can find peace. Peace, calmness, equanimity, utter relaxation… It just takes a little intelligent movement, and it’s exactly what we need right now.

Did i say any of this when Alma came to me afterwards and told me i am not allowed to teach ever again?

No. I saw that her mind is closed, and i didn’t want to waste my time and words with her. I complied, with a smile and that sweet equanimity that comes from balancing on one leg for 3 minutes. It’s what Krishna would do. Even, steady, balanced in body, mind, and heart.

Maybe she will see my good example and realize that yoga is helpful. But she never knew me before. She doesn’t know how much damage (caused by her stupid righteous religion) i had to heal.

But what can I do? She has power, and I do not. Alma said that yoga goes against their ministry and that meditation allows evil demons to enter.

Meditation is simply clearing the mind and dwelling in inner peace. Does she imagine that demons are lurking, waiting for a moment of complete silence in the spirit to jump into a person and possess them?

And what would happen then? This demon would smile peacefully and say Namaste? And that would bring fire and brimstone raining down upon us?

Of course, she won’t know because she would never try it. Of course it is a sin to look inside of your own heart. Of course, it is the ultimate blasphemy to see God within you rather than within the pages of a book! 

I want to go, but i don’t know if i can. Essential travel only. But, it may be essential to escape from this spiritual prison. Maybe this is my lot in life because it is the lot of all Jews and yogis through time to be spiritually oppressed. Maybe this is a big fat helping of karma to work through.

Can I resolve childhood wounds here? Can I transform this place and these people into a cult of peace and love and open-hearted acceptance? Will I ever be warm again? Should i run away, knowing this beast for what it is?

The time of this stupid lumbering beast is over, though. I went to one devotions study with the bible-thumpers, and that’s what we listened to – Daniel 7, I think, with visions of beasts.

How does Alma think Daniel got these visions? Probably through meditation, and definitely through being open and not suppressing his spirit, no matter how strange or scary. 

Ugh. Sorry. Another epic letter. It’s almost 10am, i’d better go… People are going to wake up soon. I usually wake up at 5:30am because that’s what my body does, and i have this entire place to myself for almost 5 hours every day. Not a single soul stirs…not even to use the restroom.

It is kinda great. Their loss – the sunrise is the best part of the day, and it doesn’t even rise until 7:30. It’s ok – it’s normal for children, and the. 

Ok. I’ll go. I just have so much to share and nobody to share it with. Maybe I can be friend with Miriam, the mother. I hope all is well with you- I love you! And the whole family!


On Mar 27, 2020, 1:19 AM, Sister wrote:

Dear X, it was so nice to get your email! I took so long to respond, I am sorry! Yesterday I had a surprise. The youngest one found her sister’s paint and decided to paint a paper.. and the floor… and clothes.

Worst part is that I just washed and dried ( by hand, as usual) all her bedsheets for passover. wringing them gets heavy when they are wet. Well, she also enjoyed drawing hearts on her nice, kosher-for-passover bedsheets in the evening. No, I don’t feel guilty  for giving her the sheets with ugly paint blotch design. Her scribbles do compliment the blotches . Luckily, it was washable marker, but there is no way I’m going to handwash all those sheets again until i absolutely have to. I thought i would have more time stuck at home, but with the workload, it’s quite the opposite!

I am glad you have a decent place to stay ( though 22 is a big group. you have to share the room?), but so sorry you are stuck with Papa’s overly blind religious acquaintances. And them trampling Shabbat.. that is a bummer.

The reason I quit my job in 2006 was for that: work always scheduled me on Shabbat. it was so insensitive. i did not know it was important to you, too. I feel closer to you when we have this in common.  

But the whole world is observing an extended Shabbat, whether they like it or not. It has become quiet outside. Maybe New Zealand already had less pollution, and you can’t really see the difference there.. but every day in Strasbourg, the air is cleaner, the water is even more clear.. animals starting to appear in the bushes…

I hope you are able to have some private space there. During this time, i did not even want to see my nice neighbor. All she wanted was to give me her children’s old stuff before she was moving out! 

I try to put the bags on “quarantine” for a week, just in case some coronavirus-balls are stuck there… but children see it, they want to grab and play immediately. So I finally wrote her , ” if you don’t need your daughter’s old boots, leave them outside my door, i will pick them up. my children had a fever and I have a sore throat. “

That was all true, anyway. I am still clueless if we got this or not. but I’m still scared to get it, in case we had just a regular cold. With all these deaths and suffering… i don’t need it NOW.

i needed to die before, when i had no hope. i need at least to finish my current crochet project before i die.

I hope you are OK. I hope Papa’s communication is not bothering you too much. I am so upset with his reflection , sometimes I have to take a distance.

He is not only a follower and defender of Trump, but Papa IS the Trump of our family. All the frustration of the New York governor to Trump, is just like ours to Papa. He was only taking the money from your personal inheritance to be generous (it is not exactly straight from his pocket). It would be nice if he was more honest or clear on this subject.

Are you able to go out for 1 hour per day for exercise, like we can? I have to bring a signed paper saying what I’m doing to avoid a 135€  fine, but police never asked me for that paper yet.
Have a nice day, Love, Sister

On Mar 19, 2020, 8:26 PM, X wrote:

Hi Sister!! Thanks so much for your advice. It’s good to hear the story from your perspective. I guess it’s serious, but I am also pleased about the side-effects. I am so happy that you can open your windows and enjoy the fresh air!

That’s how it should be! There are just too many people everywhere. Crawling all over the entire globe – every corner! Not that I want people to be sick, but imagine how nice and open all the parks are!

That’s the only thing that’s really irritated me on this trip – the hoards of tourists ruining the view. I want to see the grand canyon and the Angkor Wat properly! With peace and quiet. Man… I bet the airports are a dream right now… 

That’s what’s nice about New Zealand. It’s empty. Sometimes I drive for an hour without seeing a single person – no cars in either direction, and empty forests all around.

And there are so many stars! There’s only a million people on the south island… after thailand, this place feels deeply good.

However, i’m having trouble finding free wifi so i can make some calls and change my flight. After your email, i will have to stay here. I didn’t know if the parents were overreacting, because you know how the stupid the american media is. Always trying to get people to feel afraid.

Mama is so bad about that. Telling me stories so that i will feel fear. Fear is unpleasant and unhelpful. I think that’s mean and silly for her to try to manipulate my emotions. Fear is simply a lack of faith, I think. And faith is the whole point. 

Honestly, there are 2 things that could happen in this situation. Either I get sick or I don’t. If I don’t, I’ve been feeling the misery of fear for nothing. If I do, the fear is also pointless, because I’m already sick.

Everything happens exactly as it will happen. Either you get better or worse. I personally would not mind dying. I have absolutely nothing to live for. Why be afraid when God already has a plan?

I say that, and I still feel anxious that I can’t get through to the airline or the booking website because I can’t get wifi. I have been practicing having faith that everything is already exactly perfect. Because it is. 

I’m kinda ready to go home, honestly. Not to the parents!! They drive me crazy. I just want to hang up my clothes, have a reliable source of warmth and water, and just stop running around.

I’m always moving, always lining up the next cold hostel or creepy airbnb. I’ve stayed in 2 hoarders’ sheds so far! For the low low price of $40/night. Worth it? At least i got to sleep alone.

I mean, without humans. The mice woke me at 2:11am, so I will go to bed early tonight. This hostel has mattresses with springs!!! And hot showers! So what if the kitchen is outside – at least these toilets flush!

I miss my home and my routine. What home? Is that exactly perfect, too?

But of course, i have no home. Mama thinks i will live with her when i return, but there is no way noooo way that I can do that. I have enough trouble with neutral roommates. Papa is offering to give me money. Should i take it?

I’ve realized that i’m writing you another long letter which will undoubtedly go badly somehow. I’m a little lonely and i miss conversations, though. And i’m a little depressed and anxious, so please excuse my annoying attitude.

How long are you on lockdown? You are so lucky to have a place to call your own and people to talk with. Where did they put all the bums in your city? Who released the coronavirus?
Stay healthy!
With love, X


On Mar 18, 2020, 12:05 AM, Sister wrote:

Hi Y, Papa and Mama are all saying you are making a decision whether to stay or go to US. I will give you my personal opinion… but it might not be the most economic. I don’t know how you can do it money-wise.

But I suggest you to STAY THERE. I have a hunch that the virus is stuck on the plane seats and airports. 
Can I share about our experience here? Mine is the hardest-hit region in France ( lucky me! 😰 )

In France there are not enough places/ equipment in hospitals- and 29 and 30-year-olds need the intensive care units just like the 80 yr olds. In Italy they are forced to let the old people die to leave place for younger who have more chance to survive. 

New Zealand has 12 cases, US has upwards of 4,000. Trump was probably already vaccinated before coronavirus was released in china, how else can we explain his complacency? The US health care system is still heavy, but hopefully they will lighten it up for the people.

In the meantime, I think you should stay where you are until it’s safer. But who are you going to run to in America? Your sharp, clever Father and loving stepmother? your  mother who always has a gentle word? is there anything you need from them?

That is my advice. Of course you  know the best option for yourself. I am not sure if the American or New Zealand Embassy has better ideas, but I think this is the worst time to go to America.

They’re not testing all their cases. They have-and will have- more unless their measures are stricter. 
I took the last opportunity to go out with the children this morning.

This afternoon the total lockdown begins: police + army will force people to stay inside except for groceries (135€ fine if it is not respected).

Grocery shopping is already complicated. Opening hours are reduced, and 1 meter distance is controlled. Anyway, I ordered some vitamin D online, i hope it comes… ( i already miss sunshine😵)

Seeing and smelling clean streets is now very convenient for me. We live by a bunch of restaurants and bars. There was always the smell of cigarettes, car pollution, and old, fried oil.

I had to shut all the windows in the evening , because they make a lot of noise, too. Very disruptive noise! Drunk people often yelled and sung in the streets well after midnight.

Now it is so beautiful! the streets are clean! no noise, no strife, no bad smells, no bums! I am so happy with this arrangement, I can finally open the windows.

Apparently it is not allowed to walk directly next to the water. Last time I was there , i heard a police on a megaphone on the other side of the road… apparently that was for us 😳… In Nice and Paris they are using drones. Our city is relatively obedient, I guess, that’s why the old-fashioned megaphone is still sufficient.


Good luck with the lockdown. It is quite nice, isn’t it? We both dislike meeting people anyway. So i love this. the gov’t wants me to be alone.. well… it’s not bad at all. gives us more time to concentrate on creative work. do you have any supplies to pass the time? a ball of yarn? some beads? at least a book?
I picked up work from the school before they closed (apparently everyone is now being home-schooled). So that is how life is now. I hope you’re doing well and will be successful with your decisions. 
Toodle-oo!
Love, Sister

On Mar 17, 2020, 3:57 AM Y wrote:

Yeah, it’s kind of great not to do Passover cleaning! I love you for your sharpness! It’s a good balance for my mushy self. 

There were 2 cases in Nelson (the town where i’m staying) yesterday – people here are worried too. I can’t run away – there’s nowhere to hide!

So, i’m just going to keep doing what i’ve been doing this whole vacation… Just float down the path of least resistance so that i can be placed where i’m supposed to be. Everyone’s closing their borders. I hope i can figure something out at the airport tomorrow.

I’m so glad you have a stash of masks – I’ve been washing my hands like crazy, especially on this 7 hour bus ride to Christchurch on a full bus.

It’s not surprising that the U.S. is out of control. I agree, Trump is a puppet, and he’s smart like a businessman. He just sounds stupid, and he is definitely not smooth.

Everyone knows that the older generations are too much for the medical system and the financial institutions. They did everything right, and now they want their savings, and it’s probably ruining some rich person’s plan. But who are these rich people? And who gave them that kind of power to decimate the population?

Is this something we’re supposed to fight? Or do we just survive the best we can in their world? Is it even possible to be strong enough to face them, these spectres?

It’s like a good movie. And i think it’s true; that there are powers that are deliberately keeping us in a certain way of life for their benefit.

What have i been saying since 1999? La Revolution!!!

But revolution must be deep.
A complete 180.

If we fight with their weapons, we can never win. There has to be a way: maybe as simple as using love to combat fear.

Well, yeah, the hippies failed at that, but the Man was just coming into his strength in the 60s. Maybe decadence has spoiled him, and now we have a chance? That’s why i don’t think voting works – same system, same politicians… And this is the system that basically runs the entire world.

Every country I’ve visited…they all complain about corrupt politicians and how the guys at the top have everything, and people struggle for success at the bottom. It’s worldwide, this power, this uncomfortable framework around which we’re supposed to build our lives. 

But what can we (or anyone) do? We all have to act together massively. Is that possible without them knowing through their surveillance?

Good thing this email is free to fly to you right now. People here are talking about the long-term effects of this pandemic, saying that the world will change after this. I guess we’ll see!

How’s your world? How is the home schooling going? Are people breaking the lockdown? Because they are in Australia, and people here are upset about it. 

I have a tourist visa for NZ good for 2 years(!) But i can’t earn money with it. But i will hopefully be able to bend the rules – people are friendly and astoundingly reasonable here.

They look into your eyes when they talk and they don’t fake their feelings. You say: how are you, and they respond exactly like i would: with the exact truth and no fake-o pasty smiles.

They’re tough and honest. I think they would help me out. I did accept money from Papa – he was generous! It’s such a relief to know that i have backup. 

Ok, you and the kids stay healthy, please! We’re almost in Christchurch. Thank you for your letter!
Lots of love, Y

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March 24, Correspondence

Emails between Mother and I

Thanks, Mama! I got my rental car, and I’m feeling more optimistic. They gave me a free upgrade to an SUV, so i have plenty of space if i need it. Actually, Papa found a person from his church who lives here, and she knows a guy who has a lodge in the center of the island. So, hopefully, he can take me in – it seems like a good place. I’m waiting to hear back.

I hope you’re ok! How is the lockdown going for you? I guess it’s not a bad thing to be stuck inside. We can be so productive! I hope I do make progress in some project or another. Ok, I should go and get toothpaste while I still can. I love you!

On Tue, Mar 24, 2020, 11:14 AM Mama wrote:

My Dearest X! I love you so much! OK! I am here in a warm apartment and you are stuck there -it is easy for me to take this tone and tell you what to do, but, nu, think! You can do better than the hostel! It is no way to come back to Australia? At least it is someone you know there and it is not so cold? 

If not – Can you go to the hotel and not hostel? Father is sending you money, right? Stop mingle with this crowd! Shake yourself,  respect yourself, push yourself to find the hotel for the $ 41+$ 50+  at night and stay in place there. Even $ 79 at night – praise God!  If Father is stingy it does not mean he doesn’t have money: press and it will be given into you!

It is your money – it is your heritage! Yes, I couldn’t understand when this horoscope lady talks something about it: some money for you as a heritage coming your way, but now I see it clearly, but you must negotiate it, now I see it, she is right! what you gonna do now? sit in a comfortable hotel room and write your life story in the book! Good luck!

love,Mother 

On Tuesday, Mar 24, 2020, 12:46 PM, Papa wrote:

Dearest X, I am glad that you are witnessing the Lord’s timing and His ways. It is truly a faith experience that you will treasure.

I had no idea about how fast the lockdown was happening. I also had no idea that Tracy was a key person to orchestrate this. All I had was “gut feeling” and a couple friends in NZ. So I must give God the glory! 

Jeffery, the fiduciary that works with me, just gave orders to free up some money from my investments. It will show as “pending” deposit in my checking account, I think, tomorrow. As soon as it goes from “pending” to verified deposit, that’s when I can transfer it to your account. I plan to do a bank to bank transfer online. Your bank will then process the transfer. It may happen within this week. If you have banking online you will be able to verify it later on, whenever the process is complete. 

Love, Papa

On Monday, March 23, 2020, 04:16:34 PM EDT, X wrote:

Well, dear Mother, i’m stuck here, i guess. I booked a flight for 4/28 through NZ air. I’m not sure it was a good decision to stay here – all of NZ is on lockdown for 4 weeks, starting tomorrow. I can’t find a good place to stay, and it’s getting cold. I have a blanket, and i bought some warm underwear yesterday, but what will i do for the next 4 weeks? I can’t buy more blankets if one isn’t enough. And it won’t be if i have to sleep in a rental car.

That’s the only solid plan i have right now – rent a car for the rest of my time here, since there will be no public transportation. Airbnb has shut down. The hostels will be crawling with tourists (so many people! There were about 30 people in the massive kitchen at this hostel last night…everywhere! And so close! And never washing their dishes! What are their hands like?)

I wrote to the yoga retreat where i stayed in February – maybe they will take me in? Papa has a friend from his church here, and i emailed her this morning, asking for help or advice or anything. I have 45 minutes left at this hostel where i have free wifi. After that, no internet. No bed, no kitchen. I don’t know what to do. 4 weeks is a long time.

On Mon, Mar 23, 2020, 8:44 AM Mama wrote:

Oh!! If you can – STay behind in NEW ZEALAND! I think it is SO MUCH SAFER FOR YOU THAN COME HERE TO THE NOT PREPARED STUPID COUNTRY!

On Sunday, March 22, 2020, 11:31:55 AM EDT, X wrote:

I think the flight just got cancelled. But i will still go to the airport since i’m here. And papa is great – he’s sending me money actually.